title: starbuck is a punk rocker
author: drollicaeipathy
summary: crack!fic. starbuck, helo, boomer, apollo, tigh. apollo wants starbuck, starbuck just wants to listen to the caprican vipers, tigh wants to put them all in the brig, hilarity ensues(?).
spoilers: if you have seen season one? you're golden.
a/n: there are a few things you have to know. without them nothing will appear wonderous. really. kara was posted on galactica directly out of academy. zak is alive (he flew raptors on the solaria but like lee was on galactica at time of attacks) and never dated kara. lee and kara only have a passing knowledge of one another. oh, and helo was with boomer when she returned from caprica.
"Hey Buck," Helo commented around a lollipop, entering officers quarters.
"Helo," she replied with a nod of her head, turning down the volume on her headphones.
"Anything good?"
"Caprican Vipers," she told him with a grin. "Their latest and greatest".
Throwing himself down on his own bunk with a smirk he added, "And last".
"Frak you," Starbuck growled sitting up to face him and removing the phones finally.
"You know they all died in the attacks," he stated, "and you really need to accept it".
"Never," she replied, smirking.
He removed his boots causing Starbuck to grimace and hold her nose against the stench. "Maybe you could lead some kind of crazy frakking mission back to Caprica and save them".
She looked at him disbelievingly, "I can't believe you didn't when you were there, frakwit".
"Whatever," Helo mumbled laying back in his rack hoping to get at least a little sleep befope the triad game that night. Standing over him, Starbuck was clearly having none of it. He groaned, "What?" She only leered. He sighed and grabbed for his boots.
----------
Apollo, the son of great war hero Bill Adama had just returned from a very sucsessful scouting mission during which time he had taken out six raiders and discovered a minable tylium source. He felt pretty good, a vital part of the Galactica team as he wandered down the corriders that afternoon.
"Hey, Apollo, congrats," Gaeta told him as he stolled past toward the CIC.
"Nice work with the tylium, Apollo!" the chief called out as he passed, slapping him on the back.
"Good job taking out those raiders," a crew member he didn't recognize commented with a grin.
"Thank you," Apollo returned to each of them, smiling and nodding his head.
As he was coming around a final corner, heading for the mess hall, the speakers above him crackled to life.
----------
"Is it on," Starbuck asked aside to Helo, he nodded and pointed to the mic in front of her.
"Captains and Leiutenants, deck-hands and viper pilots," Helo coughed, Starbuck sighed, "and raptor pilots," he grinned. "I present for your listening please," she paused, "the Caprican Vipers! Here on Galactica radio". Music exploded all over the ship and cheers were heard.
In the rec room, pilots all around Starbuck and Helo were laughing, jumping up on tables, and dancing. Boomer raced over, grabbed Helo's hands, and they began to turn in circles, boucing up and down. Starbuck stepped up on the table closest to her, turning left and right, and bobbing her head.
As the rest of the ship followed suit, chaos breaking out shipwide, the commander sent his right hand man Colonel Tigh to put an end to it. He sent the man off with a warning, "Don't be to hard on them. They're just trying to lighten spirits around here". Tigh grumbled all the way from CIC to the rec room. Starbuck was never anywhere else.
"Cut that noise right this frakking minute," he bellowed, entering the room. The pilots froze. Boomer hiding behind Helo who attempted to shelter himself behind Starbuck.
"Colonel Tigh," she excalimed, "I though you'd never join us".
"Starbuck, I want that Gods-forsaken noise off the PA system".
"Or what?" she returned with a smirk. Helo groaned.
----------
"The brig?" Helo stated, unsurprised. "Wonderful. Because you know I don't spend enough time in here".
"Can you ever?"
"Funny".
"Seriously Helo. Calm down. I've served more brig time than anyone in the history of Galactica. I'll make sure you feel right at home," Starbuck glanced at the bed and turned back to Helo, cocked her eyebrow and grinned predatorily.
Helo put his hands up in the air and backed up, "Buck," he coughed, "you, ah, know that you're my best fr…"
He was cut off as the woman across from him pulled a deck of cards out of her pocket, "Triad".
Helo sighed in relief. "You know for a minute there I thought you wanted to," he trailed off.
"What?"
"Nothing," he shook his head and repeated, "nothing".
She snorted, "Please," Helo looked up as she continued to deal, "like I would frak in the brig". They shared a laugh.
"You mean, like you haven't".
Starbuck just smirked. "Come on, we've got some time to kill before the Old Man busts us out of here and I want to be ready for that frakking triad game tonight".
"Yeah," he replied with a smile, exciting himself.
"Am I really your best friend?" When Helo looked up she continued, "I didn't know you had that few friends".
"Bitch," he unwrapped a lollipop placing it between his cheek and teeth. "Deal". She did.
----------
It was before dinner, when Apollo was once again moving through the corridors talking to himself. "What don't girls go for me?" he wondered. "I'm a viper pilot, the commander's son, my face has really cleared up, and I look amazing in a towel".
Anastasia Dualla, or Dee as he had been told to call her was approaching from the opposite direction. "Hey Dee," he commented and she stopped.
"Hey Apollo," she started, her eyes scanning the hall and those passing them. "I was on the comms today during your run. Nice job on those raiders".
"Yeah, thanks," he started, placing a hand on her shoulder.
Dee looked at the hand then returned her eyes to the man in front of her, "So I'll see you around?"
Apollo was surprised that she was leaving so quickly, "Oh, sure. In the rec room? Tonight?"
She was glancing around him now, clearly intent on moving on to talk with someone else, "Sure. See you then". As she moved past him she turned and called, "Bye!"
"What happened?" he asked himself in frustration.
As he ran a hand through his hair, Cally, a deck-hand approached him. "Apollo!"
"Hey Cally, baby," he commented, attempting to ooze confidence.
She leaned up again the wall, "You going to the triad game tonight in the rec room?"
"Yeah, I might be there," he replied, remaining non-committal, nonchalant.
"Nice, maybe I'll see you around or something".
Apollo replied with a shrug, "Sure". Cally scurried off down the corridor toward a man wearing orange coveralls. When she was out of hearing distance Apollo slammed his fist against the wall, "What the frak is wrong with me?"
There was music coming from up ahead and he walked toward it. Coming from the opposite direction was Starbuck, Galactica's top gun. She had on headphones, music was blasting from them so loud that he could hear the song from where he stood. He didn't recognize it.
"Starbu…" he started but caught himself, instead going for a more casual approach he quickly arranged himself against the wall, hoping she would notice his laid back posture.
She was alone and Starbuck was never alone, there was always a hoard of people following in her wake. There was a slight skip to her step. It looked as if she was having a hard time keeping the urge to dance in.
As she moved past him Starbuck paused, leaned back and into his personal space, and looked him straight in the eye. He wanted to say something, at least say hello, but instead he coughed. She smirked in reply, reached out, buttoned the top button of his dress blues and blew him a kiss. She continued moving down the hall but with a sway to her hips that Apollo had not noticed before.
At the last moment, before turning around the corner she glanced back at him letting her eyes roam over his form before resting back on his eyes and giving him a wolfish smile. Then she was gone. The music became fainter as she left him awestruck in her wake. Apollo knew that was it, he let out a breath of air he didn't know he had been holding and placed his forehead against the cool metal wall beside him. He had to have Starbuck.
Apollo looked up. He needed to see Gaeta.
----------
"Gaeta," Apollo nodded as the man in question peered around the hatch leading into his office.
"Captain. You asked to see me?"
"Yes, come in. Close the hatch". Apollo was very serious. Gaeta took a seat on the opposite side of the desk and cleared his throat.
"Right, yes, to the point," Apollo commented, more to himself. "I was, well I heard you are the man to go to in the matters of," he didn't know how to put it, "the heart?"
"Oh," Gaeta said understanding, "you want me to set you up with one of the lovely ladies here on Galactica. That's fairly easy and comes much cheaper than extra socks these days".
Apollo sighed in relief. He had help. "I want to, well, take out Starbuck, if you can still call it that". Gaeta did not reply at first. His jaw dropped, his mouth hung open and his head lolled back. "What?"
Then finally he found his voice, "Starbuck? Are you frakking serious? What about a nice petty officer? Maybe a medical assistant".
"No," Apollo shook his head vehemently, clearly unwilling to accept any substitutes. "Starbuck is the only one I think about. Blowing raiders out of the sky, playing triad, resting in her bunk in just her bra," Gaeta gave him a strange look but he went obliviously, "sucking on one of those cigars," now Gaeta cleared his throat, shifting uncomfortably in his chair.
"You know Apollo," he told him leaning forward, "I sold you your first downed raider so that you could get a little respect around here, I mean, that was easy compared to this". He sat back, "How are you doing in the way of tradable goods?"
Apollo sat thinking for a moment before his face lit up, "I have a bottle of vintage ambrosia that I've been saving for a special occasion".
Gaeta reached forward and shook his hand, "I'll draw up the contact".
Across from his Apollo was near breathless from excitement, "So you really think she'll go for it?"
"Don't worry about that," Gaeta said, standing to leave, "I have a man on the inside". Apollo gave him stared, not questioning as Gaeta grabbed the phone and had Helo paged to the CAGs office.
----------
The head was crowded, the first shift of pilots had just come off of rotation at CAP, amoung them were Starbuck, Helo, and Boomer, standing infront of a bank of sinks.
Helo leaned, his hip against the nearest sink, towel slung low over his hips and pinned his blonde best friend with a look. "What do you think of Captain Apollo?"
"Adama's son?" Boomer asked.
"Yeah".
Starbuck shrugged and smirked into the mirror. Her image smirked back and she laughed, "He's a pretty good CAG I guess but he's such a dork". Boomer nearly fell over giggling. Helo seemed perturbed.
"That's not really what I meant," he told her.
Boomer pressed between them as Starbucks glared back at Helo, "I think he's a fox. If that's what you mean". Helo and Starbuck's jaws hit the floor.
"I'm so telling the chief," Starbuck told her with barely concealed mirth.
"Go ahead," When Starbuck cocked an eyebrow in surprise, she went on, "but I will be forced to tell everyone what you said one very drunk night on Virgon". That wiped the grin off her friend's face.
"What did she say," Helo demanded.
"Don't you say one frakking word, Boomer". She didn't but smiled serenly in response.
Helo, clearly annoyed with his friends and thinking he should start spending more time with the men of Galactica, looked pointedly at Starbuck once more, "Can we get back to the topic at hand, Buck?"
She met Boomer's eyes in the mirror and winked, "And what would that be?" she asked, brushing her hair back from her face.
"Apollo," Helo groaned in exasperation.
She knew exactly what he wanted to talk about and couldn't believe that Helo would sink so low as to try and play matchmaker for her. Well, she wasn't going to make it easier for him. "Apollo is so boring his brother is an only child". The three pilots erupted into laughter; Helo couldn't help himself. Boomer fell against the sink she was standing beside and their laughter continued until Helo thought he would choke and Starbuck's towel looked precariously close to falling down.
"Well, what do you think of Zak then?" Boomer questioned. Helo shot her a look of annoyance.
"Oh please," snorted Starbuck, "he's still practically a nugget. He would need entirely to much training if you get my meaning". Helo groaned and Boomer slapped her on the back, grinning.
"Please stop," Helo started. He did not want to hear anymore. Really.
Starbuck checked her teeth and stared at herself in the mirror for a moment, "And besides, you know Jeremiah is the only one for me".
Now both Helo and Boomer groaned and Helo reminded her, "He's dead, Buck".
"You keep saying that".
"Because there is no way the Caprican Vipers got off the planets in time and if they had I think we would have heard about it on Talk Wireless by now".
"I need a frakking man, Helo. Not some daddy's boy. Someone who can drink me under the frakking table," she smirked, "or at least try". Boomer nodded in full agreement.
"And play a woman like a finely tuned…" Boomer began only to have Helo clamp a hand over her mouth.
"And be a God at the triad table as well as in the sky".
Boomer mumbled something around Helo's hand, still firmly in place. All Starbuck caught was the word, "bunk," but she knew what she meant.
"Well, obviously that Boomer". Helo looked from one woman to the other wondering how they had communicated without understandble words, he shrugged, assumed it was a female thing.
----------
"Look, all I'm saying Gaeta," Helo went on, removing the lollipop from his mouth and pointing it at the other man, "is that this is going to be a lot harder than you let on to that guy. Starbuck is onto us".
Gaeta rolled his eyes, "And what is she going to do, Helo? Steal your candy?"
Helo reeled back, narrowing his eyes, "You don't want to know the kind of things she's capable of".
That caused Gaeta to swallow more audibly but he continued, "Just try to have a little backbone. Apollo is going to be here any minute and we're going to explain the plan".
"Yeah," Helo told him, nodding slowly, "but it's his funeral".
"Don't worry. That's all covered in the contract he signed". The two men shared a grin.
Apollo entered through the hatch, glancing behind him, and shutting the door. "So, what do you have for me," he asked, rubbing his hands together with glee. It was Helo's turn to roll his eyes because the guy, CAG or not, was as Starbuck put it, a total dork.
"We think we have everything worked out for you,"Gaeta commented, "we just have to wait for the right moment but you need to be ready". Off of Apollo's confused expression he explained, "Welcome to your first practice session".
Apollo glanced between Helo, cracking his knuckles and Gaeta's pattened grin and faultered, "Couldn't I just practice with myself some more".
"I'm pretty sure you've done enough of that already," Helo mumbled in response.
Gaeta, pointedly ignoring Helo,motioned for Apollo to take a seat at the table in the room, "How good are you at triad?"
"I hold my own," Apollo told him proudly.
"Right," he motioned for Helo to take a seat as well. "Well, you're going to need to be a lot frakking better".
Helo shuffled the cards and began to deal, "Lesson the first".