I sit at my desk with a stack of ungraded papers in front of me. I can't even begin to focus. This is my life. All of the lies from my childhood put behind me and still so much drama. When I asked the girls to come back I never expected any of this to happen. I wonder when my friends will start to hate me, start to regret coming to my rescue and testifying to let Charlotte lead a normal life. Hanna is seconds away from a complete nervous breakdown, her career in shambles. Spencer got shot and found out her family secrets were so much deeper than she thought, now she's not just Jason's half sister but my cousin and we know nothing of what Mary is truly capable of. Aria has something going on but it's been really hard to read her, I'm sure it's just everything between her and Ezra plus the stress of AD. And Emily, my Emily. I can't even begin to wrap my head around what's going on in that beautiful mind of hers. I can hear her say "AD stopped playing games and started playing God" on repeat. All of this haunts me, taunts me. I touch my stomach, and with a silent promise I make to myself and my child, Emily's child, our child everything will be okay.
I'm walking to my car when I hear a familiar voice call out "Hey Ali, do you mind if we talk a minute?" Although I really would prefer not to stop and talk especially after I caught her snooping through my things and I'm positive she seen my paperwork for my appointment to terminate my pregnancy, I stop to hear whatever it is she has to say. I'm uneasy around her, although I've never been afraid of Paige I will never trust her or her intentions with Emily, but I'm sure she and others will go to their graves thinking the same of me. "Ali, I just wanted to apologize for looking through your things. Emily was being very secretive about what was going on between you two and we are giving us another shot, I just was concerned and I saw the top of the paper and it all began to make sense."
"Congratulations, Emily didn't tell me about you and her, but I figured it would happen. And as far as things between Emily and I, she's always been the one who believed in me when no one else did. She's been my protector, my comforter, and my best friend for so long now the way we act is normal to us but I can see why it would cause issues with outside parties specifically significant others. The truth is your relationship with Em has been the most constant out of all of our romantic dealings, you guys made a life together and stuck to it until her dad died& you went off to Stanford. Hanna & Caleb are back together, Spencer is Spencer, Aria and Ezra are soulmates, and the only real relationship I ever had was with a fraud." I leaned against my car trying to read the emotions across her face, "I'm saying you won Paige. You win. You were always better than me at loving Emily and I can't take that away from you."
"Ali…" I got in my car as I felt tears run down my cheeks not really caring what she has to say, God forbid it be sweet. What I said was the truth, she was better at taking care of Emily than I could be. I start my car and look up to see Paige walking back to the gym being greeted by Emily with a dull smile and my heart breaks just a little more. Instead of going home I meet up with Aria at The Brew to talk, or better yet listen to her apologize over and over again. I'm not sure if it's the overwhelming circumstances of being pregnant by the love of my life who doesn't know I have such strong feelings about her, being pregnant and general, or the games being played by AD but I have no more will power and my resilience is fading. I forgive Aria because I know all of our lives have been a train wreck and I blame myself, even if they never admit it the girls blame me too. Aria got a call from Ezra and has to leave but before she does. She reminds me if I need anything to just call her and with her soft, concerned eyes then gave me the biggest Aria hug she could muster. I stayed behind and finished grading my papers. Home is no longer home, it feels like a foreign place, unless Em is there. But I'm sure she'll be at Lucas' since Hanna is losing her mind with Caleb out of town this week or with Paige since they newly rekindled their flame. I finally finish my paperwork right when I realized I was the last person in The Brew and it was about to be closing time. As I dive through the streets of these place called home, I'd never felt like such a stranger. Even when I came back from the dead the girls were there with open arms.
I pull in the driveway, grab my bag, and lock my car behind me. As I grab my keys I notice the lights are on. I didn't leave them on before I left. In a panic I grab my phone just to realize it's dead. Maybe it's Jason, maybe it's Mary, or maybe I'm walking into a death trap. Regardless the stress is all too much for the baby so I try to keep calm. I open the door slowly, hearing Jazz music and catching a whift of something amazing. I creep into the kitchen after closing the door and locking it as quietly as possible. I know at this point unless AD wants to wine and dine me I'm safe, hopefully. I walk in to see Emily plating Italian takeout from my favorite place. "Jesus Ali make a noise or something!" She turns a little red from being caught off guard.
"First of all, I thought you were AD because I didn't know you were here. Your car isn't the driveway, you didn't tell me you were stopping by when we saw each other at lunch."
"Let me stop you there. I texted you and told you I wanted to talk tonight. I just thought that dinner would be nice. When you didn't reply back I texted everyone and Aria said she was just with you. So I just assumed you were at The Brew clearing your mind, grading papers, something." The way she looks at me drives me crazy and sometimes I think she can tell that I'm in love with her. "Also Hanna has my car. She dropped me off and I might have went behind your back and made a copy of the key because I worry about you and the baby."
I sit quietly at the dinner table as I listen to her talk about her day. She mentions Paige turning down a job and I can't help but think that Paige is staying not just because she loves Emily but because she knows Em would never want me now, pregnant with some randos baby, even though the dynamics have changed since we found out it's her baby too. But a baby won't change things. I'm no good for her and she deserves to be happy. I still very much want to terminate the pregnancy because this is just messy. I didn't want a kid by a stranger, now that I know it's Emily's and someone else's it doesn't change the fact that this is not Em's responsibility. She didn't choice to have a child and definitely not with me. It would be different if I could own up to my feelings to her, or if she wasn't love with Paige. But this is my reality. "Ali, are you okay?" She touches my hand and it brings me back to reality.
"Um yeah. Just tired. I think I'm just gonna shower and go to bed." I stand up from the table looking down on my half eaten plate. "Thanks Em, dinner was great." I walk around the table to hug her. She wraps her arms around me and for the first time since I've walked into my house I feel like I'm home. "If you're staying you know where everything is and I can wake up early and so you can stop by your place & get dressed. Or if not just lock up and I'll see you tomorrow." She pulled back and mumbled something about crashing here and I told her to just wake me up in the morning. I went straight to the shower just needing to gather my thoughts. I know Emily, she's probably cleaning the kitchen. I take long, hot shower before wrapping myself in a towel and walking to my room. The guest shower is running and Emily actually has clothes here since the last few times she's stayed. I dry off, grab an oversized shirt, throw it on, and crawl in bed. I could sleep a million years, my body and mind are so exhausted. I begin to doze of when I hear light footsteps at my doorway.
"Ali, are you asleep?" she asks shakily. My breath catches and my mind drift back to the night so many years ago. The one thing no one other than us know. The night my world was turned upside down. The way she kissed me, how unrushed her hands were, how enjoyable it all was, how intense and loving it was. Then I'm ripped out of thoughts by her sitting on the edge of my bed, her hand begins to play in my hair, and I involuntarily sigh. I feel her pull the sheets back and lay besides me. She cradles me so close I feel her breath on my neck, then she places her arm around me. I stop for a minutes to think. She's with Paige, she wants to be, and I know they are so I should respect that. I turn in her arms to face her. We're so close our noses rub, I pull back and clear my throat. Her eyes search mine like they always have. I want to kiss her, just cup her face and tell her that absolutely no one has ever made me feel the way she does. That she is the greatest love I've ever experienced and I want to experience everything with her. A real relationship, a life, raising this child, marriage if she can tolerate me. But instead I wait for her to say something, to do something… anything.