This is written for a very good friend of mine.
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Point of no Return
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I remember all that wind rushing past my hair, deafening my ears to what other sounds there could have been. I remember seeing the sky literally break in front of me as I fell towards the ground. All of this to me felt like a burdened blessing … Would I be free of this so called security that people would call the waking world … reality?
I remember Darkness. My body was numb, yet at the same time, I knew if I could feel anything, I would be in excruciating pain. That alone was enough to make me cringe. That is, if I could move a single muscle of my body … Did I even still have a body? I don't know. The blinding darkness in combination with the face I could not feel my body made it hard to know anything. Right now, I felt scared. For the first time in my miserable life, in my endless week-nights of dreaming, I felt scared. I thought if I could keep my fear from arising, looking emotionless and acting as such, I would finally be free of all those nightmares that plagued my nights.
I've grown so use to them … so why did I jump off the building like that? I knew it wasn't the only freedom I had. I really could've put my mom's hard-earned money into use and actually talked to that therapist like she wanted me too. So why … why did it seem like the only choice for me?
I hear a voice call out my name. Who is it calling me? Is it the plethora of people around me, mourning, questioning, or helplessly staring at my demise? No … No, for now, all contact with the waking world is cut off. I can't hear or see anyone. All I can do is lie helplessly in the darkness, waiting for God, the Devil, anyone to take me away. I can't stand this waking world any longer, nor can I stand the vivid nightmares I am supposedly 'blessed' with. All I want to do now is rest.
I hear my name being called again. And then a hand is outstretched towards me. Somehow, I manage to pick my hand up and clamp onto this hand. Although, now, I would regret this decision ….
This hand belonged to Masada. Seccom Masada Sensei. The 'Space Piano Teacher'. I want to let go, but I can't. No, I just can't. Every last ounce of energy I had left and I had wasted it. The opportunity to finally pass on to the spirit realm, where my dad would be waiting for me, and instead of god guiding me, I am yanked back into the nightmare realm by one who I trusted most. Masa-sensei, why? You were the very one that told me this is the only way to escape these nightmares, why would you betray me so …?
Wait … wait, I understand now.
I feel the same way, Masa-sensei …
Did you really have to go all that length just to get me here?
Am I forever stuck in this realm of nightmares, to be forever tortured by visions of death and destruction, by questionable images …?
Well …
At least you're here, Masa-sensei.
You can at least be tortured a long with me.