authors notes
Spoilers: My Brothers Keeper
Season: 2
Summary: You know it must be bad when Jim thinks too much….struggling with the past and a new bond in the present. Possibly a vague prequel to my fics 'Collison course' and 'Getting there.'...
New bonds,old rituals by Roo
Jim wasn't one for putting big X's on calendars for anything- not even his own birthday, but Blair rated a mark of his own. Certain dates were engrained in his memory and on his heart, inviolate and for his own private consumption.
Maybe it was morbid but he couldn't seem to help it. It was what it was. Years had slipped by to become something not quite a tradition, and more some kind of a ritual. There, he'd said it (even if only to himself) wouldn't Blair be pleased? Actually, no he probably wouldn't. And as he wasn't here right now, well, what he didn't know couldn't hurt him could it?
Other anniversaries and birthdays were lost by the wayside. Need to know basis only. The data was in his memory banks, he just chose not to do anything about them- like his father and brother's birthdays. He'd been apart from them for so long now, that he hadn't given a thought to their daily lives and whether they were okay. He assumed correctly that should anything untoward or inconvenient such as dying occur to them, someone from Ellison Corporation would inform him. Until then he wasn't going to worry about it.
But Jim was worrying about it, had worried about it. He had been almost as shocked as Blair to come across Steven at the racetrack during their last case. It knocked him for a loop. Seeing Steven again, brought him within William's orbit and he didn't want to get that close. Maybe he needed more time? So long ago and perhaps best forgotten? Only, he couldn't forget his family history any more than he could ever forget today's anniversary.
He sighed deeply, shifting on the hard court house bench, waiting not so patiently to be called as witness. He had a place he needed to be today and no way was he going to get there at this rate. He wondered if it mattered just the once if he didn't go. He shook his head. A promise was a promise. Not going 'just the once' meant it had never had meaning in the first place and that was just plain ridiculous because going was the whole point.
This year he couldn't get the day off not matter how hard he tried. The court date kept shifting- the judge got ill, new statements were added to the deposition list and so on. Simon was sorry, nothing he could do. But then he thought it was just a day off, nothing special.
And where was Blair in all this? On a study break and then to meet up with his mom Naomi at the end of it- two weeks, fourteen days, three hundred and thirty six hours, and…he paused to do the math…20160 minutes away and not here. Jim was glad for Blair, pleased for him. He worked so hard for his students that Jim felt he deserved some peer backslapping. At least he hoped that's what would be going on…and it wasn't like Naomi appeared on the horizon every day of the week. So what's a guy supposed to do? Shove his friend out the door and say have a great time see you later, that's what. And never mind that Jim's antsy, fretful and yet- zombie like- state was nothing more than the boring court case coming up. Blair, normally so clued up, tuned in and frighteningly alert about such Jim things- was totally swept away by his own little world.
Besides, Blair would notice or wheedle it out of him one day, one year and Jim wasn't quite ready for that yet. Maybe he just needed more time. Time for what? Time to get used to it, time to get over it, time to…forget it? There wasn't enough time in the world for that. Carolyn had thought he should be over it, done with it. It came between them, like a scab to be picked at and watch slowly bleed and then crust over for the next time. "They're gone. Dead and buried Jim," she'd said "Why can't you let them go?"
"Because…I can't…"
"Because you'd rather be dead with them? Than here with me? I don't get it, Jimmy. You survived for eighteen months with only the native people for conversation and whatever, and you're saying I'm crowding you?! I think maybe you're a little schizo about this- your little ceremony in the city cemetery every March….why not go to where they are actually buried?" she taunted him.
Even now several years later, he still hadn't made that trip. He still clung to his own small ritual at the plaque of a long dead Cascade policeman who happened to die on the same day as his unit's helicopter came down in Peru. Psychologists and perhaps Blair would call it replacement therapy or transfer of association. Whatever it was, it kept him going for another year on some basic level. But things were changing in Jim's world and the barriers would have to come down eventually.
Seeing his little brother had brought back all the hurt and anger that he'd carried with him when he left home to join the army. He didn't know the man Stevie had become and he was amazed that Steven was even willing to give him another chance. Buoyed up by the end of the case and the Cop of the Year award ceremony, Jim had cut loose a little with his little brother. Sure, it was strange and surreal but they had got by. After that they both seemed to be busy and not much had happened over the last few months despite Blair's not so subtle prods. Jim had a sneaky suspicion that Blair just wanted to pump his brother for 'little Jim' stories as well as trying to find out if Steven showed any special abilities.
It was during the much needed lunch break at the court house that his cell rang.
"Ellison."
"Uhh, Jim? It's Steven. Guess I should have said Ellison too…"
Jim gave a little laugh, "Yeah. What can I do for you?" he asked keeping an eye on the time and the usher corralling essential people back into court.
"It's been a while since we got together…..are you free tonight?"
"No!"
"Okay, I only asked…."
"Look, sorry. I have something else….I need…I have to…I gotta go. They're calling us back into court. Talk to you tomorrow okay?" and he ended the call abruptly leaving Steven with a dialling tone.
Seated back on the butt numbing bench once more, Jim told himself that's what he got for thinking too hard. Think of the devil and he shall appear. Okay, so Steven wasn't the devil but he had called, just after Jim had been thinking about him. He smiled to himself, Blair would love that one.
When today was over he would call his brother, he owed him another chance. They could still take it slow, getting to know each other as adults. It couldn't be that bad, could it? Like Blair said – people change. They'd been kids, young men the last time they saw one another- under the rule of William. Maybe, Jim wondered with a frown, his dad had changed for the better too. And then he dismissed that idea as being unlikely. Jim didn't want to get into the whole group-hug family thing- it was too soon. One step at a time. Sally, the housekeeper on the other hand- he had time for her. He should do something about that, he chided himself.
Tonight he had his other 'family' to honour and take care of. And he would, just as soon as the prosecutor was finished making speeches for hours and hours….
TSTSTSTSTSTSTSTSTS
Two days later….
Jim knew just when Steven was about to knock on the door and opened it, surprising his younger brother.
"God, I'd forgotten you used to do that!" Steven exclaimed.
"What?"
"That! Knowing I was there, like you could see through the door or something."
"Don't be stupid!"
"Look at us, arguing already- over you opening the door. Can't you say hello like a normal person Jim?" Steven said getting annoyed.
Jim bristled at the like a normal person comment, and then relented. This was his brother and it had taken a lot of effort on both parts to get to this point. He relaxed, and smiled
"Why don't we start over?" he said and then closed the door.
Steven blinked and after a moment knocked on the door. Jim opened it.
"Hi Steven, how are you? Come in."
"Thanks I will."
"Beer?"
"You read my mind! Why are you laughing Jim?"
"Nothing, just remind me to mention that to Blair when he gets back."
"He's not here?"
"No, just the two of us. Is that alright?"
"Yeah, I guess it is."
END