My Happy Ending

'You were all the things I thought I knew

And I thought we could be...'

– Avril Lavigne, 'My Happy Ending'

It was a Thursday night.

…or was it Friday already? I didn't really keep count since it didn't really matter. This pub I really liked at the time, the Leaky Cauldron it was called, was filled with people with no better place to spend their Thursday, or possible Friday, evening. Muggles and magical folk along. I was one of them. Heartbroken and useless, drinking the umpteenth shot of Ogden's Firewhisky. It burned my throat but the throbbing sensation was welcome anyway. After finishing the shot I growled in dissatisfaction. I didn't feel any better. I didn't feel any worse either.

"One more!" I yelled to the young witch behind the desk.

"Hasn't Mister drunk enough already?" she asked with a hint of distress in her voice.

"Did I fucking stutter?" I snarled and shot her with a glare. I'm a customer. I'm right. "I said one more!"

She nodded and disappeared from my sight. I wanted to curse Lily Evans and James Potter for leaving me hanging like this. My best, and probably only, female friend and my best friend, who also happened to be my irrational longtime crush, were now officially together. I had seen it coming. James had drooled after Evans for years. I had even encouraged him at one point, wishing that Evans as stubborn as she was would never give in. I had been so wrong.

The waitress brought another shot for me, and I was ready to pass her few sickles when she interrupted my train of thought.

"Somebody already paid for your drink," she said and glanced away. Few tables on my right there was a brunet, a young man, sitting alone with a half-empty glass. He gave a small smile when he noticed I had noticed him and then he just sat up, and without a word he came to my table.

"What do you want?" I growled, annoyed. Who was this guy anyway?

He smiled nevertheless. "You seem tense," he stated and I resisted the urge to roll my eyes. Oh really, you noticed that all by yourself? Aren't you just a smartest guy around? He didn't seem to care about my inner monologue. "When was the last time you get laid?" he asked.

I almost spat out my drink. "Well, that's not your business–!" He reached over the table and leaned in, silencing me with a simple peck on the lips.

"I'd rather if we just skipped the formalities," he hummed. His breath smelled like... Was that rum? What is he? A pirate? "Your place."

I could have said no.

But well, I didn't. I guess it was the alcohol in my bloodstream making the decision. Or maybe it was because I was mad at Lily and James. Or maybe, just maybe, because when I looked closer at the brunet his whole being almost begged to be fucked. His hair was a mess but in a more sensual way than James's was. He was taller than me but not actually lanky. And his eyes were captivating. Green with specks of amber, scorching everything he happened to look. Not mention the way nibbled my lower lip. I'm twenty-one for Merlin's sake. Simple things are allowed to turn me on!

For once I hadn't problems to make the key fit into the lock of the front door of my apartment. It happened far easier than usually even though I had the guy squashed between me and the door. I slammed the door shut behind us, not caring what my old and cranky neighbors would think. They can whine to the landlady all they want, not that I care.

The brunet was more than willing to offer himself to me, and we shared rough, lustful, alcohol tasting kisses. You got the picture. I would have just screwed him senseless here on the floor against the shoe rack but we continued to my small living room, our clothes dropping on our way.

This was just what I needed. I pushed him on the bed, trying to get rid of the any remaining pieces of clothing between us. I remembered having condoms (a gift from Mary Macdonald alongside with the very kind note 'Please don't reproduce') but I don't know was it stupidity or something else when I didn't even bother to look for them. I had no lube, I had used the last remains while jerking off for the memory of naked James, and my wand was who knows where. As if I could have used my wand anyway, the guy was probably a muggle because otherwise he would have recognized me. He would freak out so no matter how intoxicated he was using charms was out of question. A bottle of hand-cream was the first thing I saw I could use as lubricant.

But when I was ready, even though I wanted, needed this, right here, right now, I hesitated. I had gorgeous, panting, brunet who was at least as ready as I was right under myself and I just stopped like a deer on headlights. What a great time for my brain to start having a moral speech. Should I really be doing this? Was it right from me to fuck this guy, even if he was the one who approached me in the first place? We could still stop.

He looked at me with a small wrinkle of worry forming between his brows as I kept him waiting. He reached for my face and pulled me down.

"Fuck me," he whispered in my ear.

Damn, that sounded erotic when he said it. And I didn't hold back anymore.

I woke up with a terrible hangover. How much had I even drunk? I sat up slowly, my mouth tasting like mix whiskey and something I couldn't quite identify. I rubbed the bridge of my nose. I drank at least few pints of beer and five, no, six shots of Firewhisky and… Did I drink rum? I didn't clearly remember leaving the pub or returning to my apartment. Then I nudged something warm and human shaped next to me.

I didn't scream. It was more like a very, very manly eep. The memories of the last night poured back to my mind. It was like taking a cold shower. On the other side of the bed, slept the brunet I had fucked the last night. I had fucked someone last night. I looked under the blanket. Yes, Sirius Black, you've been a bad boy and you didn't even clean up afterwards. As I realized that I wasn't sure what to do with the guy I shook him awake. He frowned slightly when sitting up. He yawned and I wondered if I should have just let him sleep. But then again, at Hogwarts I always woke up my partners and threw them out before James came back from wherever he and Evans had spent their night.

"Morning," he mumbled. He reached for his t-shirt and flinched. "Ouch."

"Sore?" I asked and wanted to hit myself because what kind of dumbass asks that stupid question! Apparently my brain was finally waking up. You fucked him last night! It screamed at me. Like an animal to be exact. Three times so no wonder he's sore! I wasn't the gentlest guy to sleep with, to be honest. My previous partners had all mentioned it and they hadn't particularly liked it. Was that a bite mark shaped bruise on his shoulder? Oh shit...

"Best sex in a while," he said. It kinda took me of guard.

I grinned. "Was it?" Don't be so happy about it, Black!

He just nodded and smiled, running embarrassedly his hand through his hair. That was the first time when I noticed the couple of deep scars adorning his face. There were several other scars over his chest and sides as well. Either I hadn't seen them in the dark or I had just ignored them. Either way they reminded me of something but I couldn't quite pull it back to my mind.

"Maybe we could meet sometime again?" he asked shyly.

I felt like he had just hit me on the head with a log! He was asking me out! My brain yelled at me to politely decline the offer like I always did for the people who wanted to date me after I had bedded them but instead I just stared at him like a bloody idiot. I was Sirius Black for Merlin's sake! The heartbreaker of Hogwarts! Relationships were only for fools who wanted to get hurt. I didn't do dates. I just... fucked around.

I just snapped. "I just fucked you, okay?!" I shouted at him, and he almost jumped off the bed. "It was just sex! As if it would mean anything else!"

He looked at me, his shocked expression slowly being replaced by plain calmness. He gave an unusual, bothered smile.

"I get it," he said after a moment and reached for his shirt once again, this time taking it and pulling it over his head. "I should get going."

He got dressed slowly, and I knew it would be painful move, not to mention, to walk. But I didn't get up to help him. I didn't watch him leave. I just heard the door. I lay on my bed for a long time and okay, I admitted that I was a jerk, and I cursed myself for it. He was a nice, pretty guy, and he most certainly wouldn't have deserved me acting like that. I finally stood up and I picked up my jeans, sighing. At school I would probably have taken him out couple times and then dumped in front of the whole Great Hall. The teenager me had been an asshole, Lily had told me that enough times.

A white piece of paper that dropped from within my clothes gained my attention. It was a calling card, and it definitely didn't belong to me.

"Remus Lupin?" I read aloud. "What kind of name is Remus Lupin?"

That was the name printed on the card anyway. Under it there was a phone number. There was a name of a bookshop on the other side of the card. Was it his? Had he left it, or just simply dropped it? Or did he give it to me last night? Was Remus Lupin even his name? Or had it really just fallen from him? I toyed with the idea to call to the number but at last I decided not to. Not yet at least.

I met him again later that week. Same pub, the Leaky Cauldron. Funny thing, he didn't seem to notice me. Actually I was pretty sure he noticed practically nothing. He seemed more tired, sick even. Call me a stalker if you please but if you stay at the pub and don't finish a single pint in two and half hours the joke's on you. I almost grew a backbone and went to say something to him. Like apologize, and that would have been so not me.

But then I saw that other guy approaching him. The guy had a bad posture and long black hair, not as long and beautiful as mine though and definitely much greasier than mine. I didn't see his face but he couldn't look better than me. Egocentric shit much, Black. Well apparently the brunet had been waiting for him. They were talking, the new guy hadn't even sat down, but it seemed really intense. Like they were going to fight right then and there but then the guy with greasy hair just left in a rush. The brunet didn't leave but apparently the beer started to taste better after the conversation. I ignored the guy for the rest of the night. It wasn't my business anyway.

It was two nights later when I was coming home from the Leaky Cauldron, yes I spent more time there than I did at my apartment, when I saw him behind my door. I had almost forgotten about him. That was a lie, of course. I hadn't forgotten about him, I just hadn't seen him at the pub after his little encounter with the greasy git. And if he had looked horrible then, he didn't look any better this time.

"What're you doing here?" I asked. "I told you we...!"

He silenced me with one simple look. "I know I was just a one night stand," he said. He avoided looking me in the eye, or maybe it was just the fact I was fascinated by the poor shape of his sneakers. "But I really don't have any other place to go so I came here." His tone was warmer, softer now and I looked up. "It would be only couple days. Please." He looked at me pleadingly. "Let me stay."

"Fine," I growled and delved the key from my pocket. "But only for couple days."

I barely had space for one since I was very lazy when it came to unpacking my stuff. Not that I had that much stuff anyway. Mostly things my dear old Mother was able to get removed from my old bedroom. Regulus had later sent them me to me after Mother had threw them out. I got rid most of trash and the living room started to look almost like someone could actually live here.

"The couch is all yours," I told, tossing a pillow to my new roommate.

He caught it clumsily and smiled at me. "Thanks."

"Oh, and before I forget..." I walked to him and offered the calling card. "You left this last time," I said. He shook his head and refused to take the card.

"I must have dropped it," he told with a shrug. "But I don't need it, though. You can keep it. I don't need it to remember my own name."

"So your name really is Remus Lupin?" I asked, raising a brow. He nodded and looked at me weirdly. Well, I didn't have a right to criticize other people's names. My name's literally 'dog-star black' so 'wolf moon' wasn't actually that bad of a name.

"What's yours?" It sounded a little like he was asking my name just because of sheer politeness instead of interest.

"Sirius Black. Just... Sirius."

"Nice to meet you then, Sirius," Remus said and offered his hand for a shake. There was something ringing in the back of my head but I chose to mute it. Instead I gave a rather awkward smile and shook hands with him. What a time to introduce ourselves...

It was around two and I had tossed and turned the whole time, unable to fall asleep. Remus wasn't sleeping either. He was just sitting there, looking outside from the window. The sky was unnaturally clear and the moon was visible. It was still almost full and yet it was getting thinner.

"Why you're still awake?" I asked, making him look at me.

"Couldn't sleep," he told and wrapped the blanket tighter around his shoulders. "It's freezing here."

Nights were indeed pretty cold, and it was October already. Not to mention my apartment was older than me and I suppose the nights had been warmer back when it had been build. The walls had barely any insulation.

"You can sleep with me," I said finally, and became immediately shocked that I had even suggested such a thing. Apparently the cold affected my brain as much as alcohol did.

"Really now?" Remus laughed a little.

"But only tonight," I said defensively. "To share the warmth."

He smiled. "Sounds fair."

Soon he had settled down next to me, his back to my back because spooning was absolutely off-limits. We were under the same blanket, actually we were under two blankets, you know, because it was a cold night. I faced the wall, keeping my eyes trained on the small tear on the wallpaper. It would've been awkward to look at him since this was different from the first time we slept together. We had both been drunk. Now we weren't.

I hadn't slept with anyone in quite long time. And I mean sleep, not have sex. Well, I hadn't had sex in a while either. Before my last encounter with Remus I had been... What? Almost two years without sex? Lusting after someone you can't get does that to man. Well, fuck you James. You should've gotten together with Evans much sooner!

"Seriously," I muttered. "Your feet are cold."

Remus pulled his legs further away from mine. "Sorry", he mumbled, his tone being a little hoarse.

I was already half asleep when I felt Remus turning around and practically wrapping his arms around me. "Warm", he murmured, cuddling closer to my back. Fuck, was he awake? Didn't we make a wordless agreement to not spoon each other?

"Remus?" I heard nothing but soft snoring. I rolled my eyes. So he was fast asleep. At least he wasn't going to catch a cold. And to be honest his chest was warm against my back.

In the morning when I woke up, Remus wasn't lying next to me. Instead I realized my wand had been on the side table the whole time and I was sure that if Remus had been smart and looked around before getting up he had surely seen it. I slowly sat up and flexed before my eyes widened. Was that blood on my bed sheets? WAS THAT BLOOD ON MY BED SHEETS? I checked myself in a hurry. No wounds.

The sounds from the kitchen made me perk up.

"Hi," Remus said simply when I stepped into the small kitchen. I frowned. He seemed fine. Had I imagined the blood? "I hope you don't mind me using your kitchen," he continued. "I didn't mean to wake you up."

I shook my head. "You didn't." I had slept better than in days, not that I would've admitted that to him.

Remus smiled. "Tea?"

"...Yes please."

Our peaceful life together continued and I spent less time at the Leaky Cauldron. I started walking around London, spending time at the local cafes, getting an addiction to black coffee instead of Firewhisky. I went to see James and Lily almost every day. They were happy together. They told me Lily was pregnant. They even wanted me to become the kid's godfather. They didn't need to ask twice.

Sometimes I visited the small bookshop where Remus worked. He seemed to like it there even though they didn't get many customers and he always gave me money for the rent. I personally didn't really care for books. I had hated reading at school and mostly James and I had just copied off Evans' homework. But once or twice I read books Remus had bought. In secret, of course. I guess he knew but he never told me to back off and leave his stuff alone. I was happy with him. He made me happy somehow. Like... calm and relaxed. It was so easy being around him and yet just his presence in the same room made my heart want to burst out.

And for almost a whole month things were fine. Perfect even. But then, Remus became distant. He was gone for few days. He said he needed to take care of couple things, to go to his Aunt's funeral.

"What happened?" I asked when he came back. His left wrist was bandaged and there was a bruise next to his left eye, colored by all shades of blue and purple, alongside with deep gash. His lip had split and then healed. He had tried to hide all those small signs.

"Nothing. I just fell," he said with a smile.

I frowned. "Doesn't look like it." Of course he didn't look he had fallen. I knew what it looked like to be fallen and that wasn't even close.

"Why should you care, Sirius?" Remus asked. "You're not responsible of me. I just fell, okay? No problem."

"There is a problem."

"What is it then?"

"You," I said and crossed my arms. I stared at him. "That you're lying."

He became clearly tense but stared back nevertheless. "I'm not", he tried. His voice wavered only a little, not everyone would have heard it. I did. I knew him. Honest people like Remus didn't know how to lie believably. Remus had balled his fists. "What's wrong with you?" he shouted defensively.

"I'm worried about you," I told him rather bluntly. He didn't tell me something. I had always been fine with people keeping secrets. Regulus had had his secrets, so had Mother, and Father. I had had mine. But Remus was keeping some secret, and it was eating him alive. "Remus, please." Tell me the truth, Remus. I need to know. Remus had calmed down a bit.

"No need to be worried about me, Sirius," he said with a smile that clearly hurt. The split in his lip opened. "Really. The last night was just..." He silenced. "Never mind."

"You live with me. I have right to know. What happened yesterday?"

"I met my ex," Remus mumbled after a minute. "Didn't end well."

"He hit you?!" I was suddenly so angry. Was there some bastard who hurt Remus?

Remus shook his head. "He didn't." He sounded almost angry but more than angry… He sounded heart wrenchingly sad. "He has never hurt me. And I'm okay now. I don't want to discuss about this. It has nothing to do with you."

I let it pass then. And soon Remus returned back to normal.

The more time passed the harder it was to me to admit I wasn't attracted by Remus Lupin. Remus was so different from James. James was my best friend and I wanted him to be happy and if being with Lily made him happy I was more than fine with it. I could have a future with Remus. I could be happy with him. Christmas was approaching and I, for the first time in years, was very excited about it since I would be spending it with Remus. I was planning to tell him about my feelings. But then, just before the third Sunday of Advent when he was leaving again.

"You can stay here," I said. "Like… permanently."

Remus turned to look at me. "What did you say?"

I leaned to the doorframe and looked at Remus who was sitting on the couch and packing his bag. He always packed all his belongings when he left even though he always came back. He was confused. I could hear it in his voice, see it in his eyes. I had never really shown it to him. That I liked him more than anything before. That I wanted him to be by my side. I bit the inside of my cheek.

"I said you can stay here. With me. Two is better than one when it comes to paying bills and..."

"Thank you, Sirius," Remus said uneasily. "But I can't." I couldn't breathe. He... he rejected me...? I had never been rejected before, not like this. Was Remus leaving… for real? He looked at me in the loss of words to say. "I just..."

"No, it's fine," I said as lightly as I could. "You have found a new place to stay?"

He shook his head. "No."

"Why do you want to leave then?"

"We decided it will be couple days. I've been here almost two months."

"It doesn't bother me. And it's almost Christmas!" I tried.

"It bothers me! It's time for me to leave!"

I raised my hands. "Fine! Fine. You don't have to stay anymore. Sorry to keep you from leaving," I said bitterly and moved away from the doorframe. I had thought we were friends. These months had been... so different. I liked having Remus around. I liked reading his books. I liked... sleeping next to him and waking up in the morning and knowing he would be in the kitchen, waiting for me to join him. Fuck.

"I just can't stay. Not like this," Remus muttered and stood up. I wasn't used to this drenching feeling in my gut. I wanted an explanation. I wanted to hear anything that would tell me why Remus, my friend, wanted to get away from me so badly.

"Have I done something?"

Remus' eyes turned darker. "...Yes." Ouch. It was like a punch to guts.

"What I have done then?" I was losing my patience now. I had no idea of what I had done wrong. I hadn't repeated the mistakes of the teenage me. I hadn't slept around with other people. I had been loyal, kind and considerate. I hadn't asked about his scars. I had…

What had gone wrong?

Remus looked at me, stared, hesitating to say anything anymore.

"You've made me like you too much."

"What?" Shouldn't that be a good thing? I liked him too, for fuck's sake! Damn, I didn't even remember liking anyone ever that much. Not even James and that's saying something about me. I was in love with Remus Lupin. I was in love with–!

"I never meant to fall for Sirius Black of all people," Remus continued almost bitterly and tears started to gather to the corners of his eyes. "The arrogant and pompous and self-absorbed pureblood from Gryffindor... I only meant to teach you a lesson..."

It took me a while to process what he was saying. "You went to Hogwarts?" There went my muggle theory. "We went to Hogwarts together?" I didn't remember ever seeing Remus there. There was no way I could have forgotten about someone like him. Apparently my confusion showed from my face because Remus laughed dryly.

"No wonder you don't remember me," he said. "Lowly Remus Lupin from Slytherin was never worth the famous Sirius Black's company." His voice was quiet but his words sounded louder than banshee's screams in my ears. "I had a crush on you, Sirius. A big, ugly crush. I even asked you out once. And you and your friends laughed me out the Great Hall. On top of that, for seven years, you and James Potter mercilessly bullied me and my friend, Severus."

"Snivellus?" I blurted out. That's why the greasy git had seemed so familiar!

Remus breathed in sharply. "My ex."

Double ouch. I couldn't find any words to describe how I felt. For once the great Sirius Black was speechless. It didn't seem to matter since Remus continued anyway.

"And when I saw you at the Leaky Cauldron... Severus and I had had a fight about... Well it doesn't really matter now." He shook his head. "And then… you just happened to be there. I remembered you at instant. I remembered every jinx, every word… I remember everything. And I wanted to teach you a lesson.

"Get you in bed and in the morning reveal that I was the guy you couldn't stand at school. Wanted to show you I had gotten over you. But then at that night when we left the pub and came here... and you hesitated I just knew. The way you looked at me. I knew I wasn't over you. And I knew you weren't the same person you had been at school. And for a moment that felt like a dream I wanted to know you, get known to you.

"But when you said you didn't want to meet again it was..." Remus smiled meekly when he looked at me. "Quite of a shock actually. For a moment I thought you had remembered me but that apparently wasn't the case."

"I can say I'm sorry about that," I said, finding my voice at last. I remembered making Snivellus's life a hell at school so I couldn't have treated Remus much better. And then I had even forgotten about him. I had forgotten about him. I had forgotten about sweet and intelligent Remus. I wanted to rush to him and apologize for all what I had done.

Remus swallowed. "And now... Now that you see me as a friend I should be grateful. It's more than I'd ever asked for but... I can't stay here... I tried, and I can't. Do you understand?"

"No." I got up faster than ever and I found myself from kissing him. "No, I really don't understand." I've changed, Remus! Can't you see it? You've changed me! I held his face so he had to look at me.

"Siri... Sirius." His voice sounded so strangled, so forced when he said my name. It broke my heart. My name shouldn't sound like that when it leaves his lips. He pushed me away with tears falling down his scarred cheeks. "No."

I heard the door but I didn't realize he had left until much later.

'You were everything, everything that I wanted

We were meant to be, supposed to be but we lost it

And all of the memories, so close to me, just fade away

All this time you were pretending

So much for my happy ending'

And I broke down.