A/N: This was supposed to be yet another prompt-fill, but it just didn't pan out. Joker, femShep, 70s-style porn lines. All-dialog.
Bow Chicka Bow Bow
"Whoops."
"Eighth."
"…What?"
"That's the eighth time this has happened. I'm starting to think you're not 'accidentally' forgetting to send that audio to your earpiece so much as you're trying to get a reaction."
"Actually, I'm just getting really sloppy about making sure no one hears my porn. I mean, we don't even have command deck technicians anymore. Who's left to scandalise? Don't even suggest Chambers, we all know nothing can make her blush."
"What about me? I'm standing right here."
"You're still Jane Shepard, right? I've seen your browsing history."
"I thought you said you weren't spying on me."
"Keep up, Commander. That was so two years ago."
"At least the porn I pick out doesn't have anyone sounding like they're in pain. I'm starting to think EDI wasn't joking about your bookmarks being illegal in certain regions."
"I checked; they're legal. And no one's in pain, they're just really bad actors. You should hear the lines."
"Why listen to the audio at all?"
"Are you kidding? It's unbelievable. Like this one I'm watching here. They're supposed to be C-Sec officers, and someone in the department's used forensic equipment to take a picture of their ass. It's a human ass, so the turian sergeant calls in the only human, holds up the holo and says to her 'Detective, we're conducting an investigation. Have you seen this asshole?'"
"That's…"
"Yeah, so it's not a classic line but it made me laugh."
"Wait, porn has 'classic' lines?"
"You know, I'm not surprised that you'd ask. You didn't even know most professionally-produced porn had plots until I came along."
"Until you came along? Was that one of the lines, because-?"
"…Actually, it's pretty close. Wow, I wouldn't have even noticed that. Nice."
"You don't get to make fun of my lack of observation anymore."
"Hey, Shepard."
"No."
"Come on, Shepard. Jane?"
"No."
"Jane. Janie."
"What?"
"I'm the plumber. I'm here to lay down some pipe."
"That's-?"
"Or I can just get to the part where I plug you."
"Why would-?"
"Wait, can we go to Noveria? Then I can ask you if I should go plow snow or if you'd rather I plowed you."
"You're kidding me with this, aren't you? They don't actually say stuff like-"
"Do we have pizza anywhere on board? I can give you a slice with extra pepperoni."
"How many of these lines do you have just saved up in-?"
"Hey, let's go to the med bay. I'll help you find all 206 bones in your body, then give you another one."
"Please stop."
"Okay, fine. I'm running out of good ones anyway, but you've got to let me try the last one. You'll love it."
"No I won't. But let's hear it."
"I'm the best pilot in the universe. Want a ride you'll never forget?"
"Geez, Joker…you just set yourself up for a 'standard military issue equipment' rebuttal."
"Standard? Standard my ass. We're working in the private sector now, and I got upgraded. You know it's state of the art, baby."
"You know you're killing your chances with every word that comes out of your mouth, right?"
"And how's this different from any other day?"