The disclaimer telling you that I don't own any Archer characters is tied up in some legal jargon. This sort of ties in with the fic Krieger's Ark. What were Pam and Cheryl doing? Well let's see what happens in…
The Adventures Of Pamela And Glue-ise
"Are you sure this is going to be okay?" Cheryl asked Pam as she drove the white van down the streets of LA. "Not showing up at work?"
"What work? Relax," Pam waved. "They won't care if we're gone all day. Even Ms. Archer ain't coming in. And it's not like we have any cases."
"The only cases we've worked on for weeks was a case of scotch," Cheryl giggled. "And a case of glue."
"The second one is more you than the rest of us," Pam quipped.
"I deserve a break!" Cheryl grinned.
"So do your brain cells," Pam said. "Why do you need to go to the Grand Tuntwood Hotel today?"
"I have to meet one of my stupid lawyers to sign some stupid papers to either buy something or sell something," Cheryl sighed. "And I needed a ride. I figured after we do that we can go get drunk in the bar or something."
"Or hang out in your penthouse and get drunk and have lunch," Pam added. "And remember you promised me a grand."
"Relax," Cheryl waved. "I needed a ride and a witness for the stupid signing. Actually, I'm paying more so you don't blab your big mouth to the others. Especially Ms. Archer."
"I said I wouldn't!" Pam said. "Swearsies Realisies!"
"And Swearsies Realsies on the thousand," Cheryl said as she looked in the mirror and put some lipstick on. "I just hope the lawyer we meet is one of the cool ones. Some of them are real pricks."
"So who does run your company?" Pam asked. "I know it's not your brother or Tiffy."
"Ugh thank God," Cheryl waved. "I honestly don't know at this time. And I'm not saying that because of the drugs. There are just so many coups and takeovers its hard to keep track of them."
"What do you mean?"
"The Tunt Corporation is an extremely prestigious and lucrative corporation to work for," Cheryl said. "The higher you go, the more shit loads of money and power you get. And whoever is in charge of the board of directors…Besides me of course…Obviously has the most power in the company."
"You're saying there's a lot of backstabbing?"
"And a lot of literal stabbing," Cheryl added. "Apparently every fourth financial quarter is like the Purge. One year two guys shot each other at the same time another guy was arrested and another guy had a heart attack. Three guys were fired for some reason. One guy was set on fire. And yet another guy was ruined for some reason so he jumped out the window. All in the same day."
"Jesus…" Pam whistled.
"Yeah," Cheryl giggled. "That was a kick ass Christmas Party."
"Are you actually saying our office…?" Pam realized.
"Is pretty mellow compared to the Tunt Corporation," Cheryl finished. "Yes. Honestly, I don't care what my board does. As long as I'm rich and I don't have to do much work they can have a human sacrifice every week for all I care. Which between you and me, I'm pretty sure that's happened once or twice. Back in the old days when my grandfather ran the company. Before stupid labor laws took all the fun out work."
Cheryl went on. "I mean some of those old guys who have been around before God are still there. I mean they have been there forever. Ugh…I hate them. Especially Old Man McDunham. He was my father's mentor and one of his best friends and yada, yada, yada one of the most boring people ever!"
Cheryl then mocked in an old man's tone. "Work hard! Save money! Fiscal responsibility! Stop sniffing my glue you little trollop! Ughhh…And for some reason everyone on the board actually likes him."
"Maybe that's why he survived so many coups?" Pam suggested.
"Interesting strategy," Cheryl shrugged. "I just wanna get this over with and get wasted!"
Soon they were in the Grand Tuntwood Hotel and escorted to a large room. "Is it me," Pam looked around. "Or are there a lot of people in this room just for a couple of papers to sign? And it's a pretty big ass room for a paper signing."
In fact, the room was rather large with several rows of chairs. There were flowers and black decorations. There were wreaths with the words REST IN PEACE on them. Everyone in the room was wearing black. There was a podium and a table with a small urn on it. And a picture of a very old man in front.
"Ugh who cares?" Cheryl took a drink from a flask she had in her purse. "I just wanna get drunk."
"I think so does half the room," Pam remarked.
"I should have known you'd show up like this," A grey haired older man in a black suit who looked like he was born with a frown on his face approached them.
"Uggghhh…" Cheryl made a face when she saw him. "YOU? Uggghhhh…"
"The feeling is mutual Ms. Tunt," The man said. "Ms. Poovey. I'm Ulysses George Lee."
"You know what that means right?" Cheryl giggled.
"Ms. Tunt…" Mr. Lee growled.
"U.G. Lee…" Cheryl giggled. "UG-LEEE! HA HA HA!"
"Very amusing," Mr. Lee glared at her. "I've only heard that joke five hundred times this month."
"Hey, how do you know my name?" Pam realized.
"Because the board of directors makes it its business to know all the people the Tunt family associates with," Mr. Lee explained. "Ironically we actually use a real detective agency!"
"Burn," Pam winced. "Wait are you in charge of Cheryl's company?"
"Technically that's Ms. Tunt and her brother," Mr. Lee said. "I'm the acting managing director. The current managing director is currently recuperating from knee surgery. In Acapulco."
"But Ugly here has been with the company forever," Cheryl waved. "So why are all these people here? And why do they all look so depressed?"
"Yeah who died?" Pam quipped.
"Mr. McDunham," Mr. Lee said. "The previous managing director of the Tunt Corporation. This is his memorial service."
"Old Mc Dumbass is finally dead?" Cheryl gasped. "That's hilarious! How did he die? Hookers? Gruesome car accident? Auto erotic asphyxiation?"
"He was ninety-four," Mr. Lee gave her a look.
"So, it wasn't a car accident?" Cheryl pouted.
"No," Mr. Lee said. "He passed away peacefully in his sleep."
"Lame," Cheryl scoffed. "Even his death is boring. Okay, where are these papers I have to sign? I need to get blitzed so I wanna get it over with."
"I'm afraid there are no papers," Mr. Lee said. "Mr. McDunham was one of the finest businessmen I ever met. His devotion to this company deserves a proper sendoff. Which means for once you actually have to do your job!"
"Wait you lied to me?" Cheryl was stunned. "So I could attend a boring funeral?"
Mr. Lee shouted. "That's because I knew you'd blow it off like you blew off your parents' funeral!"
"Well that was totally not my fault," Cheryl said. "Blame Ms. Archer and her confusing rules about taking time off."
"Listen to Ms. Tunt," Mr. Lee was losing patience. "This isn't just me talking."
"It sure sounds like it," Cheryl pouted.
"This is the consensus of civilization," Mr. Lee went on. "That when a respected employee dies, you go to his funeral as a sign of respect!"
"Well when an employee I do respect dies I'll go!" Cheryl scoffed. "Hey! Where's that Danvers guy? He was fun! Is he still around?"
"No, he was arrested in a cocaine fueled brawl with his secretary's husband two years ago!" Mr. Lee snapped. "And then fired when it was discovered he was also selling cocaine!"
"He was still a fun guy to party with," Cheryl shrugged. "I liked it when he came around for stuff for me to sign. Because after that we always did something fun."
"I'm guessing it was usually you," Pam quipped.
"Phrasing boom!" Cheryl quipped.
"Ms. Tunt please!" Mr. Lee hissed. "This is a somber occasion! Try to act like a decent human being."
"For how long?" Cheryl asked.
"An hour tops," Mr. Lee sighed.
"Ughhh. Fine. God, I hate being guilted into doing things," Cheryl pouted. "I guess my stupid brother and his stupid girlfriend are here too."
"No, Cecil and his paramour are currently in the South Pacific on a research vessel of some kind," Mr. Lee grumbled. "There's another gadabout that's a disgrace to the name of Tunt."
"I know, right?" Cheryl laughed.
"Your father and grandfather may have had their eccentricities," Mr. Lee glared at Cheryl. "But at least they knew the value of a hard day's work! They never would have shirked their responsibilities like you and your brother."
"Is this another stupid lecture?" Cheryl pouted. "Because if it is, I need to glue up."
Mr. Lee bristled. "Your father would turn in his grave if he knew how irresponsible his offspring have become. It's bad enough your brother burned through his half of the family fortune on foolish endeavors and was barely able to replace a meager pittance! But you…You do nothing all day long but get high and hang around with undesirables and riff raff!"
Mr. Lee looked at Pam. "No offense."
"Kind of offended," Pam frowned. "There are a lot worse people she hangs around than me!"
"This is true," Cheryl admitted.
"Just behave yourself," Mr. Lee warned. "Try to muster some kind of decorum. This is a funeral for God's sake. Not a Go-Go dance club!"
"Aw man," Cheryl complained.
"Is there an open bar?" Pam asked.
"No," Mr. Lee glared.
"Aw man," Pam complained.
"Just sit down and behave," Mr. Lee hissed as he directed them to some seats. "And when the service is over, give your condolences to Mr. McDunham's family."
"He had a family?" Cheryl blinked. "I always thought my grandfather carved him from a block of wood. And then the Blue Fairy brought him to life."
"If Ms. Archer was here," Pam spoke up. "She would make some kind of joke at the expense of Ray."
"Just sit down and behave!" Mr. Lee groaned.
"Oh fine! Jesus!" Cheryl groaned as she and Pam took their seats.
"So, is there like a buffet or something after the service?" Pam asked. "Or is it a sit-down meal? What? After a memorial service you're supposed to have some kind of repast!"
"Yeah!" Cheryl added. "With an open bar!"
"That is the civilized thing to do," Pam added.
"And I think all of civilization would agree with us," Cheryl remarked.
"BE QUIET!" Mr. Lee shouted. Everyone looked at him. Nervously he moved away.
"Uh this is so lame," Cheryl let out a raspberry. "I didn't even want to be in the room with the guy while he was alive. Now that he's dead he's only slightly more interesting!"
"Yeah funerals suck ass," Pam took out a Red Bull beer from her purse and opened it.
"Totally," Cheryl grumbled.
Pam gave her a sip of her beer. Cheryl burped. "God, I could go for some glue."
"Do you have any groovy bears?" Pam asked.
"No!" Cheryl grumbled. "I can't believe it! The one time I forget to pack them!"
"Look there's a bar at this joint right?" Pam whispered as the service began. "After this wraps up we can get ripped."
"I guess," Cheryl grumbled. "But I don't want to sit through this. I didn't even want to sit through my parents' funeral."
"You didn't go to your parents' funeral," Pam reminded her.
"Exactly," Cheryl nodded.
"Wait are you saying…?" Pam did a double take.
"Let's just say sometimes I only follow rules when it's convenient for me," Cheryl shrugged. "Besides I really was confused about Ms. Archer's personal leave rules."
An older woman turned around. "Shhh!"
"SHHH yourself bitch!" Pam snapped. The woman was stunned and turned back around.
"Some people are so rude," Cheryl clucked her tongue as she took a sip of Pam's beer.
"I know, right?" Pam nodded.
"Like McDumbass," Cheryl snorted. "He was so lame. Never let me have any fun whenever I went to the office. He wouldn't let me lick any lollipops in the office. Said it wasn't appropriate. Even took one from me."
"That's pretty low to take a lollipop from a little kid," Pam said.
"Actually, I didn't go to my father's office until I was seventeen," Cheryl explained. "And I was licking this lollypop in front of this really cute temp. Gorgeous blue eyes and blond hair…"
"Oh, I get it," Pam snickered. "You wanted to show him your candy shop."
"Fat chance with McDumbass," Cheryl grumbled. "He wouldn't let me lick the temp either."
"Well look at it this way," Pam pointed to the table with the urn on it. "He can't do shit now."
"That's true," Cheryl realized something. "In fact…I can do anything I want now."
"And anyone you want now," Pam quipped. "On my tits, what?"
"Shhh!" The woman turned around again.
"WHAT?" Pam snapped. People looked. "Take a picture bitches! It lasts longer!"
Mr. Lee winced and went to the podium. "I would like to say a few words about our beloved friend and colleague Albert Orville McDunham…"
"Ugh," Pam groaned as Mr. Lee droned on. "How much you want to bet his will be anything but a few words?"
"Pam when I give the word," Cheryl whispered. "I want you to cover me and then run."
"Cover you with what?"
"Just cover me," Cheryl said.
"What are you going to do?" Pam asked.
"I'm gonna liven this snooze fest up," Cheryl grinned as she went to the podium.
"I really shouldn't be a part of this," Pam sighed. "On the other hand, I don't have anything better to do today."
"McDunham has left a lifetime of hard work and service…" Mr. Lee was going on with his eulogy.
"Move over, Ugly!" Cheryl shoved him aside.
"I beg your pardon!" Mr. Lee sputtered.
"Pardon granted," Cheryl grinned. "I'll take over."
"Uh Ms. Tunt…" Mr. Lee sputtered.
"Hey you wanted me to come to this depressing snooze fest," Cheryl snapped. "You got it!"
"Careful what you wish for," Pam chuckled.
"So sit down Ugly," Cheryl waved. "I'm the head of the company and you're not. Last I checked that means I'm your boss and you have to do what I say!"
"LAWYERED!" Pam shouted out.
Mr. Lee sputtered but said nothing as he took his seat. Cheryl grinned. "Hello! I'm Cheryl and/or Carol Tunt. The head of the Tunt Corporation. Sorry there's no open bar. But Ugly over here screwed that up. Typical!"
"Apparently we're here to say stuff about McDunham. Or as I liked to call him Old McDumbass!"
"Old McDumbass was a jerk, E-I-E-I-O! Ha! That's a song my brother and I made up to sing behind his back. Or in front of his face. Either was good."
"I am so glad I came here," Pam snickered enjoying the horrified looks of everyone.
"You're his family huh?" Cheryl looked at the people to the side. "Wow. No wonder McDumbass never brought you to the office. If I had a family that was as ugly and as poor as yours I'd lock 'em in an attic or something."
"Oh God…" Mr. Lee groaned.
"I'm here to say stuff about McDunham," Cheryl said. "Because I was technically his boss. He was a bad, bad, bad employee. Completely boring. Nothing like Danvers. Danvers was awesome. He would give me free cocaine and we'd go out to bars and screw each other a few times."
"Oh my God! One time…One time me and Danvers were like screwing in the office on a Saturday when nobody was in. And he thought it would be hilarious if he took a huge dump right in McDunham's desk. And it was!"
"In hindsight," Mr. Lee sighed. "Perhaps I should not have tricked Ms. Tunt into coming here?"
"You think?" Another board member snapped.
"Don't get me wrong," Cheryl spoke up. "Danvers was pretty good in the sack. But if I gotta be honest Pam is like way better. And not just because she's super strong and really knows how to choke a girl. Pam stand up and let everyone see you!"
"Hey-O!" Pam stood up and waved.
"Yeah I know she's huge but…" Cheryl went on. "She knows how to have sex better than a lot of cute guys. So it all evens out. One time we were shredding documents and setting them on fire while drinking scotch and eating drugged gummy bears…"
"THAT'S ENOUGH!" Mr. Lee shouted. "Ms. Tunt I will not allow you to make a mockery out of this somber occasion! Mr. McDunham was a loyal trustworthy employee…"
"Oh please!" Cheryl snapped. "He embezzled money on the side just like every other member of the board of directors! My grandfather knew it. My father knew it. The secretary McDumbass once screwed but had to fire because she got knocked up knew it!"
There was a gasp from the family. "Oh, he never told you?" Cheryl couldn't resist. "Yeah the secretary moved to another state and he paid child support secretly for years. I'm betting his bastard offspring is here now. I mean he did give him a job years ago with the company. So which one of you is it? Come on! I know it's one of you!"
"Secret's out," Pam spoke up. "You might as well say something."
"Hey Ugly!" Cheryl called out. "Which one is it? I know you're in on the secret."
"I…I…" Mr. Lee sputtered.
"It's me," A man raised his hand.
"Okay stand up and introduce yourself!" Cheryl said cheerfully. "Go on! Don't be shy."
The man stood up and looked embarrassed. "I'm Albert Smithfield. Mr. McDunham was my biological father." The crowd gasped.
"Okay so McDunhams this is your bastard brother," Cheryl introduced. "And Smithfield this is your asshole family. I'm sure you'll have lots to talk about. Or at the very least your lawyers will."
"But I'm done talking about McDumbass," Cheryl went to the urn and picked it up. "Only to say…NOW PAM! COVER ME!"
"What?" Mr. Lee's jaw fell open as Cheryl grabbed the small urn and ran off with it. "STOP HER!"
However, the few board members who did so ended up getting shoved off by Pam, who with the grace of a linebacker knocked them down easily.
"She's getting away with my father!" Smithfield gasped.
"YOU MEAN OUR FATHER?" An older woman from the McDunham family shouted. "Mother we have to get him back!"
"Forget it!" A much older woman snapped. "After how he's treated me she can have him!"
"Get after them!" Mr. Lee shouted to the other members of the board.
"Is he our supervisor?" One board member asked another.
"Just go!" The other board member groaned. Soon there was a small mob of family members and board members running after Cheryl and Pam through the lobby.
"This is your plan?" Pam shouted as they ran from the stunned but outraged small mob.
"We're gonna take Old McDumbass for a ride!" Cheryl giggled. "To the van!"
"Wait!" Pam shouted. "We valet parked!"
"Damn it!" Cheryl realized. "That's like going to take forever! Okay new plan! This way!"
Soon the two women were running through the kitchen. "Hey Kitchen Staff!" Cheryl called out. "Code 44! CODE 44!"
The kitchen staff stopped. And promptly started throwing food at Mr. Lee and the mob.
"You have a code to get your staff to throw food?" Pam gasped.
"My uncle's idea," Cheryl giggled. She put down the urn on a table and threw an orange at them. Bonking one of the board members on the head.
"Hot damn!" Pam laughed. She threw some eggs. One of them hit Mr. Lee in the face. "Bull's eye!"
"That's egg on your face Ugly!" Cheryl laughed as she picked up the urn. "Come on!" She and Pam ran out the back door.
They found themselves in an alley. "Which way?" Pam asked.
"Uhhh…" Cheryl looked around.
Something caught Pam's attention. "Hang on! I see a ride! Come on!"
Mr. Lee and the rest of the food covered mob emerged from the kitchen only to see Pam drive off in a truck labeled TUNT FARMS CHICKEN! With a huge chicken painted on the side. "See ya Ugly!" Cheryl laughed as she waved at them.
"We have to get my grandfather back!" One of the men shouted.
"I told you that bringing that Tunt girl here would be a mistake!" A board member shouted at Mr. Lee.
"Shut up Winthrop!" Mr. Lee shouted.
"We need to call the police!" A female family member of the McDunhams shouted.
"Are you mad?" Mr. Lee snapped. "We can't call the police! There would be a scandal!"
"There's already a scandal!" Winthrop snapped.
"Well we don't want it to get any worse now do we?" Mr. Lee shouted.
Meanwhile…
"I always wanted to be in a parade!" Pam whooped.
"Me too!" Cheryl agreed. She held the urn up. "Hey everyone! Look at the dead guy!"
Somehow the Tunt Chicken Van had ended up in a nearby gay pride parade. They were driving between a rainbow float and a group of multicolored clowns on stilts. "I'm amazed Ray didn't tell us about this!" Cheryl remarked.
"Well this one is put on by the LA GLBT Club," Pam explained. "I think Ray is affiliated with the international one."
"Oh yeah," Cheryl realized. "That's the one that gives him frequent flier miles isn't it? Okay I get it now."
"Lucky we managed to drive into this parade so close to the hotel," Pam said as she waved.
"Half of my shareholders are gonna flip when they find out!" Cheryl giggled. "Remind me to make a donation so I can piss them off even more."
"Will do," Pam said. "Speaking of doing something or someone…I have an idea."
Sometime later…
"This was a great idea," Cheryl laughed as she and Pam watched several scantily clad male dancers on a stage in a male strip club. They were at a VIP booth with the urn, drinking champagne.
"You know what McDumbass?" Cheryl spoke to the urn. "I never really gave you your props. So…" She took some champagne and poured some on the urn. "There. You got your props."
"I bet this guy is having more fun dead than he ever did alive," Pam laughed.
"You're not wrong," Cheryl grinned. "Uh oh…"
She saw Mr. Lee and the small mob enter the strip club. "I think it's time to go."
"How'd they find us?" Pam asked as Cheryl grabbed the urn.
"Who cares?" Cheryl said. "Let's sneak out the back."
"Are you sure they're here?" Winthrop looked at the scene in displeasure.
"The van they stole is parked out front," Mr. Lee snapped. "Luckily it has a tracking device. They have to be here somewhere."
"This is disgraceful," One man bristled. "That my grandfather's ashes are so disrespected. Bringing them to this den of sin. Francis perhaps you and Aunt Agatha should go outside and…? Francis? Aunt Agatha?"
"WHOO HOO!" An older woman whooped as she stood at the end of the stage throwing dollar bills. "MAKE IT RAIN!"
"AUNT AGATHA!" The man gasped. "Francis, help me! FRANCIS!"
"Oh, shut up Herbert!" Francis snapped at him as some dancers grinded in front of her. "Like nobody knows about your trips to the strip club out of town!"
"Do we have to be here?" Winthrop glared at Mr. Lee. "Its bad enough we had to take that delivery van to get here."
"Well we couldn't all fit in my limo, now could we?" Mr. Lee snapped. "And it's technically not a delivery van. It's a shuttle van for the guests of the hotel."
"I don't care what it is as long as we get my father back!" Smithfield snapped.
Herbert glared at him. "He was my grandfather long before he was your father!"
"That makes absolutely no sense," Smithfield remarked. "You know I'm older than you right?"
"Can we please get back to finding Ms. Tunt and her accomplice?" Mr. Lee snapped.
"I just talked to one of the waiters," Another board member said. "Apparently they were here and ran out the back. We just missed them."
"Back in the van!" Mr. Lee snapped.
"I think Francis and I will stay here," Aunt Agatha whooped.
"NO, YOU WON'T AUNT AGATHA!" Herbert shouted.
"Who are you?" Aunt Agatha snapped. "My supervisor?"
Meanwhile Mr. Lee and the majority of the mob made it outside. Only to see Pam pull away in the shuttle van they arrived in. "They stole our van!" Winthrop gasped.
"We're just going to have to take…" Mr. Lee did a double take at the chicken van they left behind. "I say how do you lot feel about taking separate taxis?"
Soon Pam pulled up back in front of the Grand Tuntwood Hotel. "Here we are," Cheryl grinned. "Our final destination. And coincidentally, Mr. McDunham's."
"Wait," Pam did a double take. "If this was our destination in the first place, why the hell did you have me drive all around town?"
"To annoy Ugly and everyone else! Duh!" Cheryl giggled. "Come on!"
Soon they found themselves in a tastefully decorated ladies' bathroom. "What are we doing on the ladies' room in the lobby?" Pam asked.
"We're gonna give him a burial at sea," Cheryl grinned as she held the urn and opened one of the stalls.
"Man, you really hated this guy," Pam said. "I should to this to Edie if she kicks the bucket before me."
"Speaking of doing something," Cheryl said. "I was planning on taking a whiz on his ashes but I'm kind of tapped out. So…"
"Wait what?" Pam was stunned.
"I'll give you an extra grand if you piss on 'em," Cheryl said as she dumped the ashes in the toilet. "And two if you manage something extra if you get my drift."
"Are you shitting me?" Pam shouted. "Like literally?"
"What?" Cheryl asked. "It's not like no one hasn't paid you to take a dump before!"
"Yeah," Pam admitted. "But I don't exactly want that to be common knowledge."
Meanwhile Mr. Lee and the smaller all male mob arrived at the Grand Tuntwood. "I should have known they'd come back here," Mr. Lee grumbled.
"Like you should have known not to force Ms. Tunt to come here in the first place!" Winthrop snapped. "Or suggest separate cabs!"
"Yes, half of our group used them to leave," Smithfield grumbled. "And the women decided to stay at the strip club."
"That's my family you're talking about bastard!" Herbert snapped.
"Technically my family too," Smithfield remarked.
"Not now!" Mr. Lee snapped. "You can sort this out later! Right now, we need to get that urn back. Ah here's the concierge. Mr. Legrand. Did you see Ms. Tunt?"
"Yes," The concierge replied. "I saw her and her companion enter the ladies' room." He pointed.
"Good man," Mr. Lee nodded. "Now all we have to do is wait until she leaves." The men surrounded the restroom.
"I say," One man spoke up. "Doesn't this seem rather…Creepy? Just waiting around for those women to leave?"
"What do you suggest we do?" Mr. Lee snapped. "Barge in there?"
"We should have brought at least one of the women here," Another board member grumbled.
"All we have to do is wait," Mr. Lee said. "It's not like there's another way out. Is there another way out? I've never been in one of these things."
"No sir, there isn't," Mr. Legrand told him.
"See? They have to come out sooner or later," Mr. Lee said. "Then we can get the ashes back and put this whole mess behind us."
Cheryl and Pam walked out. Cheryl was carrying the urn. "Whooo what a mess!" Pam whooped.
"Amazing that it came out of your behind!" Cheryl quipped. Mr. Lee grabbed the urn. "Hey!"
"I'll take that!" Mr. Lee snapped.
"And I will take that," Smithfield reached for the urn.
"Forget it bastard!" Herbert slapped his hand away and shoved him. "He's ours!"
"He's just as much mine as yours!" Smithfield snapped.
"Not legally!" Herbert snapped. "And I'm a junior board member! And you're just a…What exactly do you do again?"
"And are you doing anyone?" Pam asked. "Because I'm available!"
"In reverse order," Smithfield said. "I'm not."
"Damn," Pam snapped her fingers.
"And I'm in the accounting department," Smithfield finished.
"Well the add this up," Herbert snapped. "I've seen my father's will and you get squat! Including his ashes!"
"Doesn't matter," Cheryl waved. "He's not in there anymore anyway."
"What?" Mr. Lee gasped.
Herbert grabbed the urn and looked in. "She's right! It's empty!"
"Where are the ashes?" Mr. Lee snapped.
"Let's just say McDunham is taking a final voyage to the ocean," Cheryl grinned. "Through the sewer system of LA."
"And let's just say I earned an easy two grand," Pam grinned.
"Doing what you do best," Cheryl quipped.
"By the way," Pam spoke up. "You might want to inform whoever does this bathroom to clean out the third stall. I kind of left part of an upper decker in there."
"Wait what?" Mr. Lee gasped. "Are you telling me that you flushed Mr. McDunham's ashes and then defecated in the toilet after him?"
"That's really close," Cheryl said. "The flushing went last so…"
"THIS IS AN OUTRAGE!" Herbert shouted. "Ms. Tunt I and my family have worked here for generations! I've had it! This is the last straw!"
"Really?" Pam asked. "You mean this is the line? Even after her uncle and grandpa who murdered and molested the help? This is worse than that?"
"That does seem kind of arbitrary," Cheryl agreed.
"I don't care how good the money is!" Herbert snapped. "I quit! I resign! I nor my family want anything more to do with this god forsaken company! And especially want nothing more to do with you damn Tunts!"
"Fine," Cheryl shrugged. She looked at Smithfield. "You want his job?"
"Do I get his paycheck?" Smithfield asked.
"Oh yeah," Cheryl nodded. "And it's a big ass load."
"Then I accept," Smithfield said.
"WHAT?" Herbert shouted. "YOU CAN'T DO THIS!"
"Uh yeah I can," Cheryl said. "Article Five Section Three of the company charter says that I have the right to put anyone I want on the board. And since you just quit I have to fill a vacancy so…"
"So you're just going to keep working for this degenerate?" Herbert shouted at Smithfield. "After what she just did to our family?"
"Oh, so suddenly it's now our family is it?" Smithfield snapped. "I get squat from the will! Remember?"
"But aren't you insulted by what she did to your father?" Mr. Lee asked.
"Not as much as you'd think," Smithfield shrugged.
"Did I mention the junior position on the board also entitles you to a company car as well as a huge raise?" Cheryl asked as she pointed at Hebert. "And this guy's office?"
"All is forgiven," Smithfield smiled.
"THAT'S IT!" Herbert shouted. "I'm getting my family from the strip club and I am out of here! Come on!" A few other of his male relatives joined him.
"Well now that that's settled," Cheryl grinned. "I believe it's time to get royally ripped! To the penthouse!"
"Show us the way Smithfield!" Pam said.
"Right this way ladies," Smithfield graciously escorted them.
"Later Ugly tater!" Cheryl laughed as they left.
"God those Tunts are insane," Winthrop groaned. "I told you…"
"Oh, get stuffed Winthrop!" Mr. Lee snapped.
"And the best part about this day," Cheryl giggled as they went to the penthouse. "Nobody back at the agency has a clue what we did!"
Meanwhile back at the Figgis Agency…
"Well I guess now we know where Pam and Cheryl went today," Ray quipped. The image of Pam and Cheryl dancing around with several colorful characters from the gay pride parade was on the news.
"And knowing is a good reason to stock up on antacids," Cyril groaned.
"I'm just glad Mallory didn't see this," Lana remarked.
"Unless she watches the evening news," Krieger said. "Or they take a picture in the paper. Or…"
"WE GET IT KRIEGER!" Cyril snapped.
"WHOO! THIS IS HOW TO END A PARADE!" Pam danced with several people in costumes. "AFTER THIS WE'RE GOING TO A STRIP CLUB!"
"A parade and a strip club where they are probably getting wasted as we speak," Cyril sighed.
"That's actually a good day for them," Ray quipped. "At least they didn't cause that much trouble."
"I'm surprised you didn't go," Lana said to Ray.
"That's because I'm on the International LGBT plan," Ray said. "And I'm going to one of their rallies next week."
"Oh right," Lana realized. "You get the frequent flier miles."
"That is a very progressive club," Krieger remarked.
"Two more parades and I get a gift card for Barney's," Ray nodded.
"Is there a Barney's in LA?" Krieger asked.
"I can always just use it on their website," Ray waved. "There are some fabulous pants I've been dying to try."
"Speaking of dying," Lana blinked. "Why is Cheryl holding an urn?"
"I don't want to know," Cyril groaned. "I just don't want to know."
The Epilogue…
"Yes, it's me," Mr. Lee spoke into his phone. "I thought I'd give you a call. The funeral? You don't want to know. About as well as you can expect with Cheryl Tunt presiding. Yes, a complete and utter disaster. That's what I'm calling about."
"You know that plan you had? To gradually buy out all the shares of the Tunt Corporations and take over the company and the entire Tunt Empire? While pushing out the remaining members of the Tunt family? Ruining the Tunts and rendering them broke and powerless?"
"Yes, that plan. Remember how I said I didn't want any part of it? How I was still loyal to the family and all that nonsense? I've changed my mind. I'm in."