KeyBladé GO!
I don't know what I was on when I wrote this. But whatever it was, I want it again.
Disclaimer: Not at all.
There once was an island.
And on this island was a young man.
And this young man had the worst case of Obsessive-Compulsive Disorder anyone had ever seen.
Why?
The island mentioned above was kind of, well, destroyed by a power-hungry man named Giovanni—er, Ansem. Ansem was a manipulative bastard, and used the young man's best friend against him in a high-voltage battle.
The battle had convinced the young man to find a new ambition in life. After he gets his best friend back, of course.
The young man's name? Sora.
His mission in life?
"I'm gonna be the KeyBlade Master!"
…KEY:BLADÉ:GO! Yes, this is the page break.
"Garsh Sora, are you sure we're on the right track?" Sora's taller companion, Brock--uh, Goofy, asked warily as they walked jovially down what was probably another wrong path. Sora grinned at him with a brightness that his head lacked.
"Well of course! I've got my Kanto map!" He exclaimed. The shorter of the two other companions smacked his forehead in frustration.
"Sora, we're not in Kanto. We're in the World That Never Was. And now, we're obviously lost, again." Misty—oops, Donald whined. Sora tsk'd him in annoyance.
"Such little faith in your all knowing leader. Shame Donald. Shaaaaaame." Sora reprimanded. Donald sputtered indignantly and Goofy hid his chuckles behind a gloved hand. And then as they walked down a dark alley, a voice called out to them arrogantly. Like always.
"Hey! You're a KeyBlade trainer, aren't you?!" The person asked. Sora turned around, still smiling brightly.
"So what if I am?" He retorted. The person stepped out the shadows of the dark alley, and revealed a man older than Sora by at least a decade, and wearing an eye patch.
"I'm Xigbar, and I challenge you to battle!" Xigbar proclaimed. Sora's eyes took on an excited glint and he summoned his KeyBlade with ease.
"Fine, I CHOOSE YOU, Beast!" Sora called, a light shining from his giant key and taking the form of a giant monstrous furry. Xigbar looked shocked, before pulling out two guns.
"Gooooooo Xaldin!" Xigbar yelled, and a light shone from the barrel of his left gun and took the form of a large sideburn-donned man wielding several spears with no hands.
"Beast, use HOWLING FANG!" Sora shouted, and a green triangle showed itself on the battlefield. Quickly, the green triangle began to blink as the large puppy flung himself at Xaldin and tore the poor man apart. Xigbar winced as a sideburn was ripped straight off the face and a howl of pain was heard. Seeing as how his weapon's HP was all gone, he summoned Xaldin back. Looking at Sora seriously with his one eye, Xigbar ran off with a cryptic statement.
"I bet I could straight kick your ass in 'Pin the Tail on the Ducky'!" And then Donald shot off some rather nasty sounding insults as he stomped his orange boot on the ground indignantly.
"Well, now that we over with all of that, let's go find Riku!" Sora exclaimed, and he ran down the dark alley. Goofy looked at Donald, and he shrugged. They ran after him towards the large, ominous castle that was the KeyBlading League. Or, also know as the Castle That Never Existed.
…KEY:BLADÉ:GO! Yes, this is still the page break.
They ran and ran, running into many enemies in the meantime. Like, Lexeaus and his weapon, Zexion.
Zexion was formidable opponent. Why?
He wielded a pretty damn big book. Sora shuddered as half the stuff he heard from the lilac-haired man's reading aloud repeated themselves in his brain.
"And he thrust slowly, gaining speed as his lover's cries urged him on. 'Harder!' the lithe young man moaned, arching his back in an attempt to receive more of his larger partner. The older man grinned as he granted his lover his pleasure. He felt his arousal reaching an ultimate-high and he went even faster as release came upon him. Crying out the younger man's name, he finally-"
"SHUT UP!" Sora yelled at nothing in particular, just his head's homoeroticism. He got two weird looks from his friends and he glared at them as the vivid images wouldn't leave him alone.
Next they met up with Luxord and his weapon Vexen.
Vexen was almost as hard as Zexion.
And that did sound rather naughty.
"What is the mathematical equation of 3.76³⅜+93847364.2(4)?" Vexen demanded of him immediately. Sora clutched his head in an agonizing pain as he cried tears of grievance.
"I DON'T KNOW!" Sora yelled. Vexen scoffed in disdain.
"Hmph, everyone knows the answer to that, or did you go to school?" The blond man asked haughtily. Sora looked sheepish.
"Well, there isn't really proof that I actually did go to school, more over like Kairi went to school as Riku and I were freeloading over killing you bastards. Hey, wait, where the hell did all that info come from?" Sora mused to himself. Vexen rubbed his temple in frustration and Sora grinned at him playfully.
"Gotcha!" And then he happily used Tarzan to kill Vexen.
…KEY:BLADÉ:GO! Still the page break.
Then they met up with a lone trainer, named Demyx.
Demyx gave them a hell of a hard time. Seriously.
"Beat fifty water clones in one minute!" Demyx yelled, and then instantly summoned water clones with his weapon-that-reminds-me-eerily-of-DMC3-when-Dante-got-Nevan-and-dude-wasn't-that-awesome-especially-when-he-was-all-like-"WHEEEEOOOOW!"-and-got-on-his-knees-and-rocked-like-it-was-19-19-1985, a.k.a. the sitar.
"What happens when I don't win?!" Sora asked over the onslaught of water, and Demyx shrugged.
"I dunno. You'll probably be sent to the nearest KeyBlade center." He responded as he rocked some more.
"Damn. The nearest one is all the way in the Honen region!" Sora muttered angrily. Donald paused in his spell casting to smack his face in annoyance.
"For the last time Sora, this is NOT Pokémon! This is Kingdom Hearts, which is by a whole other company than Pokémon!" Donald snapped. Sora kept killing, smiling in joy as the large sign above him said '50'. He wiped the sweat (or maybe the slaughtered remnants of the water clones) off his forehead.
"What were you saying Donald?"
Now, they were almost to the final battle to save Riku!
"Prepare for trouble!"
"And make it double!"
Sora turned around in shock, only to face his worst enemies!
How were they his worst? Would you call persistent stalkers that insisted on taking everything precious to you your least?
"To rebel against a homophobic nation!" Marluxia shouted.
"To convince my officer to remove probation!" Larxene exclaimed.
"To denounce the evils of WAFF love!"
"To extend our reach to every gay club!"
"Marluxia!"
"Larxene!"
"Team Raunchy is here, so be ready to fight!"
"Surrender now or he'll take off his tights!"
"Axel, that's right!" Axel popped up from their ultra-convenient hot-air balloon. Sora clapped (because no matter how many times he saw it, he never could get over their musical intro) before summoning his KeyBlade once more.
"What do you want now?!" Sora yelled. Marluxia smirked and flipped his hair in dignity.
"What else? We want OBLIVION!" He explained in a deep satanic voice that was used mainly to emphasize his 'oblivion' point. Sora pouted and held the dark, evil KeyBlade close to his heart.
"But it's my favorite!" Sora whined. Goofy shook his head and Donald blinked in horror. Larxene scoffed and pulled some kunai out of her uniform sleeve.
"Bitch please. We care like this much." Larxene said, placing her hands together very closely. Sora looked hopeful.
"So there's a .05 percent that you might care?" He asked. Larxene looked at her hands and then clamped them together. Sora's face fell.
"Damn."
"Damn indeed!" Axel chortled, hopping down so that he was face to face with the brunette. Sora frowned and then gripped his KeyBlade that was dripping evil, emo, and darkness a little tighter.
"And by the way Sora, when we say 'Prepare for trouble', we're actually kind of serious." Marluxia said. Larxene then through a kunai at the poor young man.
"GOOOOOO ROXAS!" She yelled, and a light shone through, taking the form of a darkly cloaked teenager.
"Ready to get your ass kicked front and center? Ready to feel so much pain you're gonna wish you were born in a body bag? Ready to be embarrassed in front of your friends, asswipe?" Roxas asked cockily. Sora smirked and when onto 'Valor Drive', which was when he turned his awesome baseball cap backwards on his head.
"Please, I was born ready!" And the fight began. Roxas was truly kicking Sora's ass, front and center, and Sora was barely holding up. Seriously, he had the enemy's KeyBlade at bay, but Roxas kept beating Oblivion like it was a drum. And then, Sora's knee bent at the MOST INOPPORTUNE MOMENT IN VIDEO GAME HISTORY.
'Damn knee!' Sora spitefully thought, watching in horror as Roxas captured the KeyBlade.
'Oh snap! I'm fucked! Wait… what would Riku do in this situation?' Sora thought frantically.
"Luke, use the force…" A creepy voice whispered in his head.
'Fuck the what now?' Sora demanded.
"The force…"
'What force? My KEYBLADE is kinda CAPTURED, you know?'
"The force dumbass! SUMMON YOUR DAMN KEYBLADE!"
'Ho crap, I didn't even think of that!'
Sora concentrated as much as possible, holding his hand out and looking very much so like he was constipated. Roxas cocked his hooded head in confusion.
"Dude, are you okay?" Roxas asked, slightly scared at the bloated look on Sora's face. He looked as though he'd explode if he concentrated anymore.
"THE FORCE!" Sora yelled, his arm spazzing out as Oblivion popped out of Roxas's grasp with emo fumes and came back to Sora. Sora then got up and began to bitchslap Roxas with his dark, emo, bleeding-heart KeyBlade.
"Don't," SMACK "you," SMACK "ever" SMACKITY SMACK "touch" SMACKSMACKSMACK "my baby" SMACKAROO "again!" SMAAAAAAAACK!
Roxas grasped his painfully aching cheek with one hand as his hood fell down. Sora looked at the young face in amazement.
"Who…are you?" He asked in awe. Roxas smirked at him as he felt himself get re-summoned by Larxene.
"I am you."
"Shut up Roxas! You can't use cool lines anymore, now that you've lost!" Marluxia yelled. Roxas flipped him off and turned back to Sora.
"Would you kick their asses for me, plzkthx?" Roxas requested and Sora did a mock-salute.
"Of course!" He exclaimed. Roxas smiled at him before the light enveloped him completely.
"You make a good other."
"Oh come on! What kind of gay line was that?" Marluxia interjected once more. Sora smiled as Larxene took back her kunai.
"I'll kick their ass like pin-the-tail-on-the-ducky, Roxas!"
"And I'll kick your ass before you even try Sora."
"Whoops, sorry Donald!"
...KEY:BLADÉ:GO! Actually, no go, until Part 2 of 2.
So basically, I did this to make fun of Kingdom Hearts and Pokémon in one go. Or two goes, because this is but one of two crack-filled adventures of Sora and his Obsessive-Compulsive quest to be the KeyBlade Master and to find and save his friend Riku.