A sea snake ate the disclaimer telling you that I don't own any Archer characters. A couple of articles in the news inspired me to create this tiny bit of madness.
Krieger's Ark
"One good thing about all this free time," Ray remarked to Lana as he read a magazine on the couch in the bullpen. "I'm able to catch up on my reading."
"I wouldn't call Entertainment Right Now reading of any kind," Lana gave him a look. She was reading a newspaper at a chair.
"It's all the Entertainment news I need right now," Ray told her. "What more can you ask for?"
"How about the real news?" Lana asked.
"No, thank you," Ray waved. "My life is depressing enough as it is."
"You don't know what you're missing," Lana told him.
"I'm guessing taxes, death, war…" Ray drawled. "Unemployment…"
"Which is what will happen to us if we don't get any clients!" Cyril groaned as he walked over to them. "Where are Thelma and Glue-ise? I haven't seen them all day."
"Out," Ray said.
"I can see that!" Cyril snapped. "Out where?"
"I didn't ask," Ray shrugged. "They didn't tell. And yes, I do see the irony of me saying that?"
"Honestly, I'm enjoying the quiet," Lana sighed.
"I have to admit," Cyril sighed. "So am I. As long as they don't come back with lawsuits and half the police department on their asses…"
"Listen to this," Lana looked at the newspaper.
"Must we?" Cyril sighed.
Lana ignored him and read on. "More sightings of yellow bellied sea snakes have been spotted off the coast of Southern California. Scientists believe that these creatures are travelling up the coast as the oceans get warmer. See? Another instance of global warming!"
"A bunch of snakes swimming to California is proof of global warning?" Ray blinked.
"These particular snakes are usually found in tropical waters," Lana explained. "And they're very dangerous. Their venom can kill a person."
"So can pretty much half the things in the ocean," Ray remarked. "Including the ocean itself."
Lana went on. "The snakes are described as having a bright yellow underside with a flattened yellow tail…"
Ray realized something. "With black spots?"
"Yes, how did you…?" Lana did a double take. "Ray, please tell me that you once saw these snakes in an aquarium."
"If by an aquarium you mean a tank in a certain lab run by a crazy clone then yes!" Ray snapped.
"How do you…?" Cyril did a double take.
"I remember seeing a tank full of those things during one of my checkups," Ray groaned. "And it was one of the least disturbing things I've seen in there."
"Oh god…" Cyril groaned. "KRIEGER!"
"Yeeeeeesss?" Krieger walked up to them.
"Did those poisonous yellow-bellied snakes escape from your lab?" Ray asked.
"Which poisonous yellow-bellied snakes?" Krieger blinked.
"There's more than one kind?" Lana shouted.
"Oh yes," Krieger nodded. "There are plenty of wonderful varieties of poisonous snakes in the world."
"We're talking about the damn sea snakes!" Cyril snapped. "The ones with the black spots?"
"Oh, the sea snakes," Krieger realized. "No, they didn't escape."
"Good," Cyril sighed.
"I set them free months ago," Krieger waved.
"WHAT?" Cyril screamed.
"Why the hell did you do that?" Ray asked.
"Honestly, I was working more with my robot clones back then," Krieger explained. "And I kind of thought it was unfair to the snakes if I wasn't going to work with them anymore to just keep them in the lab so…"
"You just decided to set them loose?" Cyril shouted.
"So much for that global warming theory, huh Lana?" Ray looked at his friend.
"Why would you need poisonous sea snakes in the first place?" Lana snapped.
"Couple reasons actually," Krieger admitted. "Research for anti-venom serums for one. Not to mention every now and then over the years Ms. Archer has requested some actual venom for…certain projects of hers."
"You mean assassinating her rivals?" Ray groaned.
"Rivals, witnesses, old boyfriends," Krieger went on. "An occasional stubborn member of the co-opt board."
"Oh my God!" Lana gasped. "Is that what happened to Mr. Hamdersleeve?"
"Who?" Cyril asked.
"He was one of the members of Mallory's co-opt board," Lana explained. "Died of a sudden heart attack mysteriously…Oh my God! She hated him! She poisoned him, didn't she?"
"No, he really did have a heart attack," Krieger waved. "That one was a freebie. She poisoned one of the members of the co-opt board of Archer's apartment complex. And Trudy Beekman's parrot."
"I don't remember Trudy Beekman having a parrot," Ray realized.
"Well she didn't have it for very long," Krieger shrugged. "Besides that's not the only reason I had those snakes. I needed some DNA samples for my Ark Project."
"Your what now?" Lana asked.
"An Ark Project," Krieger told her. "You know? For preserving animal species in case they go extinct. Or there's a nuclear war or something."
"You mean like a Doomsday Project storage facility?" Cyril realized.
"Only much smaller," Krieger added. "And more diverse."
"What the hell is a Doomsday Project?" Ray asked.
"It's a failsafe device in the event of a nuclear war," Lana explained. "Several countries around the world including the US have seeds and DNA of plants and animals stored in cryogenic containers in order to preserve the various species and lifeforms of Earth."
"That's a thing?" Ray asked. "For real?"
"Yes," Lana said annoyed. "You'd know this if you bothered to read a real newspaper once in a while!"
"That project sounds like it came out of the comics section," Ray remarked.
"I made my own Ark Project," Krieger told them. "Only I added a few of my own combinations. You know? Just in case we need some exploding mice or laser snakes in the future."
"Of course," Cyril groaned.
"And I have some actual dodo DNA and some dinosaur DNA as well," Krieger grinned. "I really should get back to cloning extinct animals again."
"Welcome to Jerk-Tastic Park," Ray quipped.
"I have at least five thousand different species of snakes alone in my vault," Krieger grinned.
"Aren't there only about 3,400 species of snakes in the world?" Cyril realized something.
"Well recorded species yes," Krieger shrugged. "I made quite a few of my own using gene splicing. It's like eating popcorn. Once you start, you can't stop!"
"Where the hell do you have all these things?" Lana shouted.
"I have various storage facilities hidden all over the world," Krieger waved. "I have backups of backups."
"The apocalypse just got a lot scarier," Lana groaned.
"And you wonder why I don't read the newspaper?" Ray gave her a look.
"Once I'm done collecting all the samples and data I need I humanely release them into the wild where they can live free," Krieger told them.
"What do you do?" Cyril snapped. "Drive somewhere remote in the dead of night and let you wild animals loose hoping no one sees you?"
"I prefer to call it a nocturnal release," Krieger corrected him.
"Phrasing," Ray quipped.
"When do you have time to do all these projects?" Cyril shouted.
"I don't," Krieger admitted. "Hence the occasional nocturnal release."
"Just so I'm clear on this," Cyril winced. "You have weird animal and plant DNA in storage areas all over the world so you can repopulate the world with weird animals just in case of a nuclear apocalypse?"
"Or if I ever get bored," Krieger shrugged. "You know? Whichever comes first."
"Nobody tell Mallory about this," Lana groaned.
"I'm not telling anybody about this," Cyril groaned. "Except of course my court ordered therapist in the future."
"For when you snap again and try to shoot up the entire office?" Ray asked. "Yeah I can see that happening."
"That could be sooner than you think," Cyril groaned as he trudged back to his office.
"If you do go crazy and die in a shootout," Krieger called out. "Can I splice your DNA with a beaver? What? I think that animal suits him!"
"Oh my God it does," Ray groaned.
"When accounting beavers ruled the world…" Lana groaned. "And my nightmares."