"Shepard!" Ashley's heart nearly jumped out of her throat when she watched Saren release his grip around the man's throat. The commander's eyes when wide, realizing a moment to late he was too far away from the ledge. Urging her wounded body to move, the chief managed to snag his wrist nearly tumbling down the side of the building with him. "Hang on damn it."

Pain shot up his arm making it extremely difficult to keep his hand clasped on hers. He glanced at the drop below, knowing it would kill him. Shepard wouldn't take Ashley with him. "Let me go." He croaked struggling to find support with his feet against the flat wall and failing. "One death is I can handle today."

"I don't think so." The roar of the Normandy's engine drowned out any further protest. Not like Ashley was going to listen to them anyways. Together they managed to pull him up and over the edge.

Relief only lasted a second. Kaidan's voice screamed over the com telling them to get out before the nuke took them all out. Casting one last glance at Saren, Shepard scooped up the wounded marine and took off towards the loading ramp of the Normandy. Wrex and Tali were waiting to take Ashley, he refused to let her go. "Joker now."

"Easy there skipper." Ashley groaned as he knelt before the jerk of the ship could jolt them off his feet.

"How bad?" His face was white with fears. His hand was slick with blood, her blood. Shepard was vaguely away of someone going for the Doc, the only thing that seemed to penetrate his mind was Kadian's final goodbyes mixed in with the Chief's cry of pain. "How bad damn it?"

There was so much desperation in his voice. Blinking back the hot tears, Ashley struggled to find her own. "Armor piercing rounds. Had some med gel." She felt her fingers link with his trying to ease the fear in his eyes. "Nothing that will keep me out for long."

Shepard let out a breath he hadn't realized he'd been holding. He rested his brow against hers. The ripple of the nuke caused the ship to shutter and it finally hit him. Kaidan was gone. He had given the order to leave a friend and a damn good solider to face death. No amount of training could ever prepare for this. "Ash." He choked on tears.

"I know." Ashley placed a bloody hand on his cheek, trying to stretch out the moment for just a moment longer before she was ripped from his arms.

The moment the Doc commanded Wrex to take Ashley away Shepard felt completely vulnerable. It was a feeling that he wanted to shit out. He hadn't the time or the room for such emotions. He was the great Commander John Shepard. Nothing was supposed to faze him. So taking on more second to grieve, he stood and followed his crew.

0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0o

After searching every known place for Shepard and coming up empty, Ashley back tracked to the mess. Everyone was gathered, no one was talking or barley eating. The eerie silence chilled her to the soul. This room was always the one place in the ship that was full of laughter, pranks, and bonding over bad food. Kaidan had been the heart. It was his ability that drew everyone, both human and none, that turned this crew into a family. Fighting tears once again, Ashley scanned the faces, "Anyone seen Shepard?"

Tali frowned, well it sounded like she did anyways. It was so hard to know because of the mask. "Not since the meeting. He had a call with the council."

Ashley rubbed her broke, "He's not in the briefing room and his comm is off."

"I think it would suggest that the Commander wants to be alone." Liara spoke up and was rewarded with Ashley's heated gaze. Since she wasn't accustomed to the human grieving process she thought it best not to let her defense flair up. Her own species lived for so long that when it came to the end one was accepting of it. Even welcomed it in some cases. A human's life was so fragile. Liara didn't know just how much until no.

"I know you don't know much about humans and military." Ashley gestured to the very glum faces of Alliance personnel. "Losing a brother in arm is like having your heart ripped out. The thing is Kaidan was like a blood brother."

"Exactly. That's why someone needs to make sure he's okay." The Doc stood taking Ashley's side. Everyone looked at Shepard as some type of super hero. Like nothing bothered or hurt him. Too many people forgot behind all his accomplishments, heroics and barriers he was still in fact human. "When you find him tell him he has a family here to help him. If he chooses to be alone then we will respect his wishes."

Ashley started her search again this time starting in the cargo bay. It was completely empty, even Wrex had abandoned his post. That's when she realized where she would escape to if she wanted to be completely alone. Ashley didn't knock or announce herself, didn't want to risk him brushing her off. She eased the Mako door opened allowing light to spill in. Shepard was balled into the corner hidden by the roll of seats.

"Shut the door." Tears strained his voice.

Chocking back her own, Ashley shut the door and slid on the seat. Without a word, she guided his head to her lap and that seemed to break any hold he had left. His tears were silent, but she could feel his shoulder shutter beneath her touch. It was the first time Ashley ever recalled him showing any weak emotions. He always carried himself in a way that made men follow him without question head first into battle.

"I've had more training to last a life time. Since I've been seventeen people have lectured and molded me to handle any situation." His voice hitched on a soft sob. "It was that training that allowed me to save so many lives. My N7 training prepared me for so much. But no amount of training could prepare me to give an order to send a person to their death."

Ashley had no words of comfort so she just continued to feather her fingers through his hair.

Shepard turned into her touch soaking up the comfort he could only seem to find in her. Always her, his mind echoed. For so long he had prided himself on being able to rely on no one but himself. Growing up on ship to ship left him with very little friends. Even family wasn't something he truly had until this crew. "To tell a friend that they were being left behind."

"Kaidan," Ashley chocked on the name, "was a marine. He knew the risk better than anyone. We won't mourn him. We will celebrate the great man he was and honor his memory. And we will make sure that Saren dies knowing his name."

"The council wants me to head back to the Citadel on the double." Shepard found himself tracing a pattern on Ashley's knee. He made a promise to Kaidan and would make sure that he didn't let this opportunity to slip through his fingers. This woman made him feel so much in such a short amount of time and rules or no rules, he would find a way to be with her. "They think the threat is over, but to today was only the beginning."

"They're idoits."

"I need to contact his family." How do you tell a mother she lost her only son?

"Shouldn't-." She wiped at the tears on her cheek, "we do that in person?"

Shepard's heart warmed at the 'we'. "Yeah. I rather do that before they hear it from the brass."

"Then tell Joker to plot a course."

He stopped her from moving. He just needed a few more moments of this solitude. "I keep going through everything in my mind trying to find something I missed."

Ashley lifted his head until their gazes connected in the dim light. "You will only drive yourself insane. Every night I lay awake and think of Eden Prime and what I could have done differently."

"I should have been able to save you both. I wouldn't-Cou-."

Her fingers tightened on his wrist as panic and guilt tore through her like wild fire. "John please tell me you didn't lie? You said he was hit. You said that Kaidan didn't die because of you and I-."

Shepard snapped to full attention grasping, maybe too roughly, her face in his battered hands. "I can't lose you too Ashy. You're like this light I didn't know I needed in my life. I just lost a good friend. I won't-No can't lose you." His gaze bore into hers shedding the tears of anguish and fear. He knew that she wanted to hear the actually words, that he didn't chose her because of whatever was between them. But the words would come. He couldn't lie to her. Couldn't be for sure that his feelings had no effect on his choice to go back for her.

There it was. Everything was on his sleeve leaving him exposed. Ashley had a choice to pack up her things and walk out on him for good. Or she could do what she had never done before and give her heart to a man completely. Sighing, Ashley, pressed her brow to his, "You got me skipper." She gently wiped the tears from his face, "Like it or not I'm not going anywhere."

His entire body relaxed on a single sigh, "I can't do this alone."

"You're not alone. You never were." Ashley through of all the people gathered in the mess. "You have a family that Kaidan helped form upstairs waiting to help you."

"I just want to be simply John Shepard." He shyly confessed knowing Ashley wouldn't ever ask anything more from him than that. "I know I can't hide forever."

Ashley helped him pillow his head back on his lap and allowed him to do just that.