A S T O R Y A B O U T L O V E .
Chapter one – Internal Dialogue
It must have been hard; staying in line
knowing your influences did it all the time
It must have been strange; living in blue
and see me shut down as though
it was an easy thing to do
But you could tell where I had been
by the way I held my gun
Trying to write anything while being
mocked by an off beat drum
But I was not honest
I was not healthy
I was not honest, honest.
You did the right thing, covered your scars
Challenged your faith
and closed your eyes driving cars
For all that they knew you were safe home
But you went through hell
whenever you were left alone
But you could see where I had been
from the pictures that they took
I tried to look positive at things,
Faced myself but didn't look
That was not honest
I was not healthy
I am not honest, honest.
I wish you could see yourself through my eyes
There's no need to cling to unnecessary lies
The voice in your head whose spirit you stole
left you for dead but you dug the hole
Addison Forbes Montgomery-Shepherd stepped into her 5 year old son's bedroom; Jamie was supposed to be asleep seeing it was already past 7 o'clock but Addison knew her son better than that, so as suspected, when she walked into his bedroom she saw her son under the blankets with his flashlight on.
She slowly walked further into the room, making sure to not make any noise before she jumped on the bed and wrapped her arms around the tiny bundle of blankets, pillows and stuffed animals where her son was supposed to be.
"A my little monster don't you know it's already past your bedtime?'' She asked in a pirate-like tone.
"Mommy I was already asleep you woke me up!'' Jamie said, faking a yawn.
"You little liar, haven't I told you that if you tell lies, your nose will grow and grow until it's so long everyone will see that you're a liar?'' She asked while tickling him.
"That's not true! That's not true!'' Jamie yelped out, trying to get away from his mom's hands.
"Oh really and how do you know that?''
"Well I've never seen anyone with a really big nose, except for .''
"Jamie!''
"But doesn't tell lies, she's very nice so you're the one telling lies here.''
"Am not.'' Addison replied cocky, although she laughed at her son's ability to tell people wrong.
"Am too!''
"Nuh-uh, mommies don't tell lies.''
"You're mad.'' Jamie said giggling.
"You're crazy.''
"You're crazier.''
"But now my crazy pirate, you have to sleep because it's late and your mad mom still has lots of things to do.''
"Night mommy.''
"Sweet dreams monster I love you.'' Addison said while giving him a kiss atop of his curly brown hair.
"Me you too.'' He said while stuffing his favourite stuffed animal –an elephant- under his arm before closing his eyes to drift off to sleep.
Addison smiled at her son and then walked out of the room and went down the stairs where her 6 month old baby girl Charlie was asleep in her crib.
"Oh I see you're asleep already my little baby.'' Addison softly cooed and picked her up just when she started to wake up.
"It's okay sweetie it's just mommy you can go back to sleep.''
She walked up the same stairs again and softly laid her in her bed.
When she was downstairs again she stood at the kitchen counter and looked out of the window.
She sighed deeply.
During the day she managed, she was a surgeon, a wife and a mom but during the evenings; when she already went to work, the kids were asleep and the husband was gone she was Addison just Addison.
And then she wondered…was it really bad to be just Addison?
Because most people would want her life in the blink of an eye, or so they thought.
But Montgomery-Shepherd really wasn't that perfect nor happy.
She's practically raising two children on her own, because her husband is always at work or God knows where and work was really the only time she could pretend to be in one piece and actually believe it herself, because she did good things, she saved women, mothers and babies, she does good things right?
As I turn away from the window I look into the kitchen, it was spotless I cleaned nearly the whole house when Jamie was at school. Charlie slept through most of the day, which is understandable, seeing she cried the whole night and Derek, Derek was working of course.
Derek the man whom I've been calling my husband for 11 years and my best friend for 15.
I actually don't remember much of my life before Derek, well of course I still have those memories, mostly bad ones, like the ones where my dad was an alcoholic and beat my mom, my brother, little sister and I and the memories of him jumping out of the window.
I was 13 back then and was in my first year of high school I prayed every night that my dad would pull through rehab and would come out as a better –non alcoholic- dad.
It was July 18 when he came back home, he looked sad, my dad whom all his life had this certain anger in his eyes, my dad who would walk with his back straight, daring people to comment him.
He was a great business man, that dad of mine but he was a horrible person, I hated him with all my heart but the man who walked down the gravel after 6 months wasn't my dad, this man had a lost sad look in his eyes like life had finally caught up with him, just like my mom looked after all those years.
And I was glad.
I felt this certain feeling of justice, I felt like I battled against the world and won the war, I knew I was supposed to feel sad for him, for the look in his eyes but I didn't and neither did I care.
I was sitting in class when I heard the news; it must've been about 2 months later, when I got called out by the headmaster.
When I walked towards the headmaster's office I saw my mom sitting there with my 18 year old brother Jonathon and my 7 year old sister Ada.
When they told me my dad had committed suicide I cried, I nearly cried my heart out, this man, my dad, the guy who I spend most of my life hating, was dead and I felt guilty.
Guilty for hating him while he was sick, everybody kept telling me he was sick and it was not his fault but I wouldn't listen to them.
And now he was gone and I would never have the chance to love him again, ever.
As I walk into the laundry room I start to get the clothes out of the washer, my skirts, blouses and lingerie, Jamie's jeans and t-shirts and Charlie's little onesies, and only one shirt of Derek, one shirt and a pair of boxer shorts.
I miss Derek, I miss him so much since he became so fucking absent.
It has been like this ever since Charlie was born, when I got pregnant with her we were so happy, Derek would take Jamie to the playground or the cinema so I could relax a little.
I laugh at the memory of Derek taking Jamie to the Pokemon movie, Jamie had begged him for weeks to go with him and had run screaming through the house when Derek had finally given in.
But after Charlie was born he would hardly ever spend time with us, he ignored me and only spoke to me if needed.
He would still do things with Jamie though, thank God but I felt so sad for my little girl, Derek neglected her most of the time he never wants to feed her or dress her or even play with her.
And I can't think of a reason, Charlie was a beautiful little baby who has done nothing but bring happiness and still her father doesn't give shit about her.
Tears spring into my eyes as I think of my little baby girl, praying that Derek won't become my dad.
That's when I scare myself by thinking of Derek as my dad, Derek doesn't hit his children or his wife and neither is he drunk everyday.
I catch myself hoping that Derek will scream at me, get mad or maybe even hit me, at least that way he acknowledges there is something wrong, instead of ignoring the family we created and pretend everything is okay.
I wipe away my tears and continue folding the laundry when I hear the backdoor in the kitchen opening; I quickly turn around and slowly walk out of the laundry room which is next to the kitchen I abruptly stop when I see Derek looking at me.
"Addi." He says, and I feel my heart missing a beat, he finished his shift 30 minutes ago but he never came home at least hours after.
"Hey." I softly say, trying to look as normal and collected as possible.
When he closes the backdoor and sets down his briefcase he walks towards me and I see him looking at me;
I gasp at this, and it's pathetic really, the most normal thing in the world, a husband looking at his wife, shocks me; he hasn't done this in what feels like decades.
He walks over to the fridge like there's noting wrong and pulls out a beer
"Want one too hun?" He asks.
"No thanks I'm fine." I answer him, still shocked; He sits down on one of the chairs at the island and I notice him looking at me as he takes a swing of his beer.
"So how was your day?"
"Normal."
"The kids?"
"Sweet, I didn't have to drag Jamie upstairs for once and Charlie has been a good girl like she always is."
"Good and you?"
"I'm fine." I lie, a little too quickly perhaps so I decide to change the subject. "How was your day?"
"Busy, lots of people coming in for dehydration and fainting, I think this is the hottest summer Seattle has ever experienced."
"Yeah probably…so you worked in the pit?" I ask him although I already know the answer and I can't help but feel my chest tighten painfully as I think of how Derek would rather spend time in the pit then with his family.
"Yep." He answers and I hope he doesn't hear my sigh. "So I was wondering," he continues, "I have the day off tomorrow so maybe we could do something with the kids."
"You have the day off?" I ask him incredulously, somewhat sarcastic maybe.
"Yeah."
"No one who wanted to go home instead?" I said, my thoughts leaving my mouth before I realize it.
"Actually, I asked for the day off." He says casually, setting his empty beer bottle on the counter.
I look at him for a few moments before asking him why.
"Why not? I want to spent some time with my family."
"That's new." I reply, rubbing the bridge of my nose before I take a deep sigh.
"I know." He whispers.
"Well that's great, but I'm afraid you can better call in at work because Jamie has a play date tomorrow."
"So? You're going to be home tomorrow right and Charlene?"
"Wow so you do know our daughters name?"
"Addison!"
"Anyway I wouldn't want to keep you away from the hospital with its great people and awesome surgeries." I spat and I hate myself for nearly breaking down in front of him.
"What are you telling me that I should quit my job?"
"No whoever told you that, it sure wasn't me, seeing we never talk anymore."
"I'm providing for my family here." He yells unbelieving, ignoring my comment
"Providing for your family, Oh Derek you are such a joke…we're rich! Providing for your family doesn't just mean having enough money."
"Don't you think I know that?"
"No I actually think you don't Derek.''
"You're wrong.''
"Than why don't you act like it?'' I yell back at him and wipe furiously at the tears that are rolling over my cheeks.
"I don't know! I'm sorry okay, I'm sorry I treat you like shit and that I never spend time with Jamie and Charlene.'' He says desperately and he lets his head fall in his hands. "I just don't know, but today I realised how quick things can end and when I came home I just hoped everything could be back how they used to be, I guess I just didn't realise how much I screwed things up.''
"What made you realise?'' I softly ask him.
"Today this woman came in with her child, the girl fell from the swing at the playground; I quickly examined the girl and nothing seemed to be wrong but we made a CAT-scan just to be sure and in the waiting room she suddenly collapsed…she was dead in a few minutes Addison…'''
"I'm sorry about that.'' I whisper, knowing how hard it is when a patient dies but it's even worse when it's a child.
"And her dad came in later, when she was already gone; His wife phoned him when she was in the hospital but he didn't think it was important enough.''
"You can't blame the guy Derek, when a child falls off a swing it's usually not that bad.'' I say softly, trying to comfort him, feeling my own anger fade away.
"I know and I'm not blaming the guy but I couldn't help but thinking that could've been Jamie or Charlie and that guy could be me, the father who will never be able to see his daughter again.''
"Derek, what happened to that family today is absolutely horrible, but Jamie and Charlie are not dead, they're sleeping upstairs.''
"I know but that's when I realised I had everything that that father could ever wish for, a beautiful wife and two healthy children and I'm throwing it away.''
"You're right you are."
"But I want that to change Addison, tell me it's not too late to change." Derek tells me as he walks over and grabs my hands, I stare at our hands and wonder what to tell him. I want to tell him that it's not too late but is he telling me the truth or is this just a temporarily thing?
"I don't know Derek but I can't go on like this."
"I'm sorry Addi, I'm so sorry for acting like a total jackass, but please, please give me another chance."
I take a deep breath and try to look everywhere but Derek but his eyes are forcing me to look into them.
"Okay." I whisper, barely audible before he draws me closer and hugs me tightly.
"Thank you, I promise you it'll be okay now baby."
"Yeah, I hope so."
& I can tell where you have been,
from the marks around your wrists.
The red water washed away your sins,
but are you as pure as this?