The rain has always comforted me. The soft tinkling of glistening drops sliding off the roof. It made me feel peaceful inside. I was lucky to live in Forks.
I was much different from my mother, more like my father, I think. My mother always rocked me to sleep with stories of her human life, her romance with my father, and her first day at Forks. She would reminisce about how she hated anything cold and wet. Now, she was forever cold and the wet never affected her.
Ever since I was born, I was thinker. I knew too much too soon. I grew too fast and spoke to quickly. I always felt not normal. All I ever wanted was to fit it, but somehow deep inside me, I knew I never could.
Jacob has always been a part of my life, my brother, my best friend, my heart. I could not live without him. He was an extension of myself, as natural as breathing. Yet we were completely different. He was tall and strong with red-brown skin and brooding eyes. Seemingly never-aging. I was petite with pale skin and bronze hair-- still growing. Yet we had so many things in common. I could eat human food like him. I could detect different scents with my nose. Blood ran in our veins. Our hearts could beat in unison.
When I turned 3, I was physically 9. I matured at rate of three years for every one. It was an interesting year. That year, I told Jacob I wanted to marry him and convinced my parents to hold a 'pretend" wedding. Of course, Jacob did anything I wanted and he agreed.
My baby dolls were the bridesmaids and Aunt Alice found me a beautiful dress with satin trimming and lace inserts. I set my tea collection in the dining room and called it the "reception hall". I even invited my teddy bears as guests. Jacob walked around on his knees with his tux and Uncle Jasper worked my puppet Kermit who performed the ceremony. It was magic for a 9 year old. I 'felt' married to him, which meant nothing more than being my best friend. Jacob laughed heartily through the entire ceremony.
"Jacob" I said.
"Yeah Nessie" he responded, chuckling to himself.
"One day we will be like this right" I asked him. I looked up at him innocently, eyes wide seeking the hope of a real promise.
"I would do anything you asked of me Ness" He whispered solemnly.
Our lives were peaceful and passed quickly. My father schooled me. I was not allowed to go to school because people would know I was different. Father promised me I could start college once I hit maturity, age 6.
I learned at a fast pace and absorbed any knowledge around me. I would sit for hours in my father's study reading large sets of encyclopedias and novels. My mother's favorite, Wuthering Heights and other books on physics, medicine and math.
My mother was my best friend. She called me her "sponge'. I mimicked the way she acted, what she wore and how she moved. I wanted to be perfect like her. But I could never be, because I was half human, and she was not.
Jacob had a special room in our house that he could sleep in whenever he decided to crash at the house off-duty. The entire room was insulated to keep the "smell" out that he always complained of. I never understood it. Everyone smelled just fine to me.
Every night, since I learned to walk, I would crawl and sleep next to him. If he was gone, I would ache inside with loneliness. When he returned, so did my smile. I would use my special skill to torture him with my misery. I would send images of me sobbing and missing him as I touched his cheek. He always felt guilty and tried his hardest to make up for a lost night, which usually meant lots of fun for me.
"Nessie" my father called flatly from his study.
"Yes father" I replied reluctantly and hopped to his side.
"You must give Jacob some space Love. He has a lot of responsibility with his pack and you need to remember that. I know you are young, but he is their leader and they need him too. Try to share Jacob without feeling so hurt inside. "
"Of course father, but my heart hurts when he is gone" I said glumly.
"I know Nessie, I know' my father replied sadly.
The early days were fun with Jacob. We swam the river during sunny days and hunted like wild beasts at night. Days were warm with our laughter, playing hide and seek and building sand castles at the beach.
He would bring down to La Push to play with Claire and I would eat blueberry muffins at Aunt Emily's house. Billy and my Grandpa Charlie were always together on the weekends and I could count on them to bring me a supply of toys or dolls.
Then, I turned 5 and the trouble began. Grandfather Carlisle was the first to see changes. My breasts started growing slightly and I became extremely self-conscious about them. He measured me every month and the growth was slight, but clearly noticeable.
"Nessie, I know this is probably a little embarrassing, but we must discuss the changes in your body." Grandfather stated perfunctorily.
My eyes shifted down to the floor as my face reddened.
"You have the maturity of a 15 year old teenager. You have vampire skin, but you are excreting hormones in your body. Your scent may change, you may develop acne and you may start menstruating. Do not be alarmed, make sure you talk to your mother about this, especially if you start having feelings you never have had before."
"What kind of feelings" I asked with a shocked look on my face.
"You will know what I mean when you get them." Grandfather responded quickly.
I stopped crawling into Jacob's room at night. I felt too self-conscious about myself and I did not want him to notice anything strange about me. The changes loomed over me and made me nervous. My father could read my thoughts and tried to comfort me, but I refused to acknowledge my fears and would quickly change the topic. I threw
myself into reading novels about pirates and long lost loves. It was a torturous and confusing time.
I tried to avoid Jacob. But I could not avoid him. The pain of separation was unbearable. But he knew something was different and tried to confront me about it.
"What is going on with you?" Jacob murmured glumly. "You haven't snuggled with me for two months! Dammit, you know can tell me anything Ness. Please! I just don't understand why things have changed. I feel like you're distancing yourself. Have I done something wrong?" He was begging me for an answer.
"No no Jake" It's not you. It's me. I'm changing and it scares me. I don't know if you will like me now. And I don't want you to feel like you have too. My scent is changing, I can smell it and other things are happening that I can't explain. It's too embarrassing. My human is coming out"—I mumbled and started walking to my room.
"Ness! Stop! I will always love you, no matter what you smell like!
Look, I'm not going to bother you about it. Everyone changes and I know you need your space. But next time tell me so I don't start freaking out on you. He pressed.
Things just kept getting weirder. A few days later I returned from hunting alone in the forest. My thoughts were quiet and I hummed a lilting lullaby my father had written for me. I could hear Jacob and my father speaking. I hid in the trees curiously.
"I know you can detect the changes starting Jacob' my father whispered pointedly.
"You know I don't feel any different from before….yet" Jake croaked nervously.
"Jacob, we both know you are starting to feel things, albeit unconsciously" my father accused.
"Why is that a problem? I change when she changes! And I would never…" Jacob trailed off
"That's what we need to talk about. Jacob, if you intend to mate with her, you MUST marry her first; I will not risk her soul for your carnal pleasure alone. No matter what you think I owe you. " Father hissed.
"How can you say this to me! How can you possibly believe I would not marry her first! We both know that imprinting is a thousand times stronger than marriage. My love for Ness is deeper than any fantasy I may have dreamt about. I CAN restrain myself jackass!' Jacob lashed out angrily.
"You say that now, but I remember with Bella how difficult it was to restrain myself. It was nearly impossible. How can I expect you to do the same when your love for her runs deep like mine for Bella? But you must, for her sake, for her soul!" Father insisted.
"I will' Jake mumbled and he raced away in his motorcycle.
'You can come out now Ness" father called.
I gasped…"How did you…'
'Your thoughts love, I could hear you gasp mentally from here" he stated matter-of-factly.
"Am I damned father?'
"Ness, I know nothing of heaven and hell. I know the goodness in your heart and in the hearts of my family. And when I see you, I believe in heaven, because God would never make anything so perfect, just to send it away.' My father's voice thickened with emotion.
I did not understand, and I needed to be alone. I ran to my room and a million questions filled my head. No answers came to me and I tried to sleep but kept having thoughts of a brimstone and fire ending to my life. I crawled into Jacob's bed and waited for him all night.
In the morning I woke up to the sound of tinkling rain. I felt large warm arms around me. I smiled to myself and turned over to snuggle on his chest. Nothing ever felt warm to me except him and it comforted me to know that. He was sleeping deeply and I told myself not to disturb him.
He was so beautiful. His face was gentle as he slept. He had full soft lips inviting me to kiss him. His silky dark hair was fanned on the pillow and I traced a few strands with my fingers. His long full lashes rested on his warm cheeks. I ran my finger slowly down his cheekbones. I leaned over to his lips and gently kissed him.
As I pulled his arm from my waist they slid unconsciously to my stomach, right under my breasts. I inhaled suddenly.
Something had changed. Electricity flowed through my skin to his hand. I felt a slow warm yearning in the pit of my stomach. Curiously, I moved his hand to my breast and moaned. It was electric and titillating. I didn't understand it, but I wanted more.
Jacob opened his eyes groggily and saw me holding his hand to my breast. At first he squeezed my breast softly and mumbled "mmmmmmmmmmm nice." Then he shot up on the bed and gasped.
"Nessie, no, your only 5" he shook his long hair disapprovingly. His eyes were still red with exhaustion.
My face fell and I crumpled to the floor sobbing. He immediately jumped to my side.
'Please don't take it like that. I just don't want to…' 'I mean your just so young…" "Uh what I really mean is I love you, but…"
I interrupted, "you don't love me 'that' way" and I ran to my room. I heard my parents approaching and I quickly started reciting chapters of Wuthering Heights. I did not want my father to read my mind. I wanted to push back all memories of what had happened and the awful rejection that sickened me.
"Jacob we need to talk" my father said quietly as he picked apart his thoughts. I shuddered and wished I could disappear.
My mother walked in and sat down on my bed.
"Renesmee, out of respect for you, I am shielding your thoughts from your father. Please tell me what happened sweetie. I want to help you. "
"My feelings are changing mother." I whispered quietly.
"I knew this time would come, but your just so young still!"
"Stop it mother. Stop with the "young" comments its not helping," I screamed.
"Ok Ok Ness. You are 15 years old and things are starting to change. I know you want to feel things and try to understand them, but give yourself time. Can you tell me what happened' she said softly.
"No, I don't want to think about, please respect that and leave me be for now." I knew my father would fill her in on every gory detail.
I sulked in my room all day. I did not eat or come out to watch TV. Father came up in the afternoon and told me that Jacob was no longer allowed sleep here. I could see him whenever I wanted to but not at night. I didn't respond and kept muttering chapters of Wuthering Heights. I had to get away to think alone without his supervision.
"Father" I said, trying in vain not to think of what happened. "I would like to go hunt alone. I want to think things through by myself. I am going out several miles but not past La Push. Do I have your permission" I asked sullenly.
'Yes, but if you are not back by 11pm, I am going to find you and you will never go hunting alone again." Father retorted
"Yes father" I resigned.
I ran for miles and the memories flooded my head. I sat on a large tree and I sobbed pointlessly. I ached for Jacob. I needed his forgiveness and his love. I had to see him.
It started raining. The drops hit my body like warm tears. I ran to La Push, hunting deer from time to time to fill my thirst for blood. I could see the light on his room. I didn't want Billy to see me. I was already embarrassed about what had happened and I didn't want to explain my bad mood to him.
I knocked quietly on his window. No one answered. I jumped up to see in the room but no one was there. I heard a growl and turned around with a shiver.
Jacob in wolf form came up to me and licked my face. I put out my hand and pet his muzzle. We walked quietly to the forest. The rain had stopped and the night sky was filled with stars.
I started talking to him as a wolf, it seemed easier when he couldn't reject me in words.
"Jake, I understand you don't feel the same, but I need you to forgive me for what happened this morning. I took advantage of the fact that you were sleeping, to test something within myself and I was wrong for it. I am so sorry, more sorry than you know"- I laid against him and sobbed into his soft fur.
He whined but did not want to leave my side. He licked my face and I couldn't help but laugh slightly. He nodded in the direction of the forest and I knew he wanted to change his form so I lifted my head and let him go.
He came walking back briskly. All he wore were a pair of cutoff jean shorts. His long dark hair bounced along his shoulder. I looked at his chest. Had I ever noticed his body? I felt like a blind person who had finally seen the sun.
He was beautiful. The muscles under his satiny russet skin were long and wiry. Each muscle was pronounced. His full chest lift with each breath. He had broad shoulders and his waist narrowed. Each of his stomach muscle was defined sharply. I noticed the indentation of his ribs and the v-shape indentation of his hips. ALL he wore were cutoffs, I could see that he had nothing else and my eyes traveled to waist of his cutoffs. As he walked toward me, he put his hands in his pocket. I noticed a light sprinkling of dark hair as his shorts dipped further down his stomach. I started wondering what the rest of him looked like.
He knelt before me. I placed my hand on his cheek and showed him how sorry I was. He shook his head furiously.
He grabbed my face in his heads and spoke to me in hard, deliberate sentences…"Don't be sorry Ness. I feel the same way you feel. These feeling are great, and I love that you feel them now too, I just need to protect you from doing anything you are not ready to do."
'You mean you feel what I am feeling?' I asked nervously.
"Yes, Yes" Jacob repeated.
I exhaled loudly. I hadn't realized I was holding my breath. I traced his collarbone with my fingers. I put the palm of my hand on his heart. He grabbed my hand and held it on his heart. He closed his eyes. "I love you," he whispered. "I would do anything, be anything and give you anything you want for the rest of my life."
I sighed and put my hands to his cheeks. I was beyond words at this point. I had to show him how I felt. I conjured images of firecrackers, rising suns, and shooting stars and he smiled at me with closed eyes. Then I replayed that morning. He saw the electricity that flowed from my body to his. He felt my yearning in the pit of my stomach. He saw me moan and kiss him gently on the lips. He gasped and his opened his eyes wide. They sparkled with desire and he breathed heavily. "I didn't know your feelings were so strong" he whispered in a husky voice.
I blushed and kept replaying the electric current going up and down my body that morning. "You're killing me," He mumbled but his eyes sparkled with pleasure.