A/N: I know only this much of Twilight Saga because of my sister. Plus, if you don't like really weird stuff or you like Twilight, this story might not be for you.
Disclaimer: I do NOT own Twilight, but I wish I did so I could morph the story into something more worth everyone's time.
Edward's POV
Okay, so, right now I'm picking my nose while sitting in Carlisle's study. I haven't a clue how I got here or when I got here. So...yeah.
Emmett's showering with Esme (only does so because she loves to shave his arse for him) and Jasper is taking footage of it.
Jasper is really into pornography and loves posting stuff on Youtube. I like to watch his creations when he's finished with them. My favorite was when he got footage of Alice and my girlfriend, Bella, taking turns with this Alaskan huskee named Jacob. Bella ALWAYS is busy with Jacob's stick. It's a little annoying that I got castrated.
The video was actually disturbing. I like disturbing, though. This guy in another dimension, Tom Poetry or Moldywart, had his little servent dude kill me with a stick he pulled off a branch.
My name WAS Cedric Diggherpussy, but this guy I mentioned earlier, Carlisle Felon, gave me a hickey. It backfired and SOMEHOW I transformed into a vampire. I'll tell you about myself later on.
Vampires can only drink piss. Otherwise, we lose control and start doing the disco.
Oh, there's these guys I haven't mentioned. They're called the Voltures. They are kind of like birds. Well, actually, they ARE birds. They are ugly and have wings and they swoop in and kill you.
The only way to die is to be fed shit. Usually, the Voltures have a large supply so they can easily kill us all. All they do is kill.
They recruit other pillocks that they think have potential. I know they have this one named Phoenix, who, by God, DOES have some sort of bloody potential.
You see, Phoenix is a Fenix and so he can heal wounds and stuff. Yup. Pretty amazing.
Anyways, we have these cousins from Denali, Alaska, who are all rich because they created the first breed of huskee. Jacob is their first bred.
Speaking of bread, I'm pretty hungry right now; hungry for some sex sandwich. I'll go see if Bella can take time away from her dog-riding with Alice. Goodbye.