Breaking Brawl
Bijoukaiba: All right, I was reading a thread on a certain website about all the different fandoms that Twilight has been featured in crossover fanfiction with. So I decided, HEY! I want to write a Twilight crossover story too!
So, I chose the bestest one EVAR!! Super Smash Brothers Brawl!1! LOL, I'm hyper right now, if you couldn't tell. I was just SOOO excited about writing this. Heehee!
This is going to be the greatest masterpiece since "Half-Life: Full Life Consequences". Seriously, prepare for the epic win.
Bijoukaiba: Super Smash Brothers and all related characters are the property of Nintendo. Same goes for Sonic and Sega, and Solid Snake and Konami. I also don't own Twilight. I don't write like Stephanie Meyer.
----------------------------------------
"We're really going to do this?" Edward asked Bella, holding her hand as they walked.
"Of course. We managed to fly to Japan thanks to our special vampire powers, we might as well sign up," Bella replied, swinging his arm slightly.
"No, I mean, are we really going to bring him along?" Edward groaned.
"Hey! I heard that!" Jacob called from behind the Cullens. He had flown over on a plane and they had met at the airport.
Edward grunted and Bella giggled at the werewolf.
"When we sign up for this fighting tournament, I'm totally kicking your ass, Sparkles," Jacob growled.
"And I should do the same because you imprinted on my daughter, pedowolf." Edward retorted. Nessie was currently safe at home with Grandpa Carlisle and Grandma Esme, because Bella would never trust Charlie with anything, even if he was her father. The other Nessie continued to enjoy playing with people's minds at a certain Loch Ness in Scotland.
"It's not because she's a cute little girl, it's because she's the closest to Bella I can get," the werewolf argued.
"Why couldn't you have just hooked up with Leah?" the vampire countered.
"Who?"
"Look guys! There's the building!" Bella said, pointing it out from several miles away because of her special powers. "This is where we'll be signing up to be characters in Super Smash Brothers Brawl!"
I always wanted to be a video game character… Jacob thought to himself with a smile.
"Then go jump down a pipe," Edward muttered to the werewolf.
"I hate your special mind reading powers so much," Jake growled.
The three of them picked up speed by sprinting super fast through the streets of Japan toward the Nintendo building. Sure, people might have thought it was bizarre, but why bother reporting it? It was about as common as stopping a crashing car with one hand. It wasn't like the three people were supernatural creatures or anything.
After a brisk one-minute jog over several miles, the Cullens and the lone member of the Black family stopped in front of the building. Much to the surprise of the three, there was a short mustachioed man dressed in denim overalls, a red shirt, and a red cap that appeared to be waiting for them.
"Oh my GOD!!!" Bella screamed. "He DOES exist!!"
The lamb trotted straight up to the plumber.
"Mario?"
"Yes-a?" the plumber asked, glancing up from a clipboard.
"Hi! I'm Bella Cullen, and this is my husband, Edward! We're here to sign up to be fighters!"
"Ah, that's-a right. Come with me, inside-a," Mario instructed.
"Hey, what about me?" Jacob asked. A similar man walked over to the werewolf, but he was dressed in green, taller, and thinner than the crimson-clad plumber. "Luigi?!"
"It's-a all right, come-a with me. I'll take-a you to registration," the kind plumber offered.
Jacob followed him into the building.
--------------------------------
Registration conveniently completed, the Cullens and the Black were now meeting with the other fighters.
"Everyone-a, this is Edward and-a Bella Cullen. They will be new-a fighters starting tomorrow-a!" Mario announced.
Jacob coughed.
"Oh yes-a, and Jacob Black too,"
The group of fighters attending applauded awkwardly.
"Do you have any questions for us?" Bella asked. She almost sounded like an author in an interview at a book signing.
There was no response.
"Come on! Somebody must want to know something!" she whined.
A fighter that looked like an angel raised his hand meekly.
"… How do you guys fight?" he asked.
"Well, we're vampires," Edward Cullen replied, placing an arm tightly around his wife's shoulder and pulling her very close to him because he loved her and wasn't obsessively over-protective or anything like that. "And that guy's a werewolf," He gestured at Jacob.
"Okay, so we can't let you fight in any sunny environments, and – WAIT. Vampires? Get the hell out of here! We're not letting you drink our blood!" Snake shouted.
"It's okay, we're SPECIAL vampires," Bella explained. "We sparkle in the sunlight and we're vegetarians because we drink animal blood instead."
Yoshi, Donkey Kong, Diddy Kong, and the Starfox representatives exchanged a nervous glance.
Captain Falcon looked up at Bella with a 'you-have-got-to-be-fucking-kidding-me' expression on his face.
"Hey! Are you checking out my wife?!" Edward growled at the bounty hunter.
"No," Captain Falcon replied, raising a hand defensively. "I was just looking at her strangely because that was the weirdest thing I'd ever heard anyone say. Vegetarian vampires? Really?"
"Well, it's true," Edward shot back. "We drink animal blood, the sunlight doesn't hurt us, we can read minds, and we're super fast and super strong. Unlike certain other people who had their power level nerfed so badly that they would end up as the lowest ranked fighter among tournament tiers."
The room fell deathly silent. Captain Falcon sat there, mouth hanging open after Edward's brutal insults.
"That was way too harsh," Samus finally spoke up. "He actually agreed to nerf his power because he felt bad that so many fighters didn't stand a chance against him in fights. Things went wrong in the nerfing operation. It's not his fault."
There were quiet murmurs of agreement among the fighters present.
"Sorry," Edward stated without any trace of regret in his voice.
"Maybe we should just mingle with everyone and chat instead," Jacob suggested.
Bella briefly nodded in agreement, but then stopped herself. After all, she wanted to make sure that her husband approved.
"Fine," Edward huffed into the microphone (Bella had resumed nodding in agreement behind him). He glared at Samus, before turning his attention to Captain Falcon. "By the way, she only stood up for you because she likes you."
He removed himself from the microphone and joined his wife and Jacob in the hall, now talking to the fighters. Bella didn't really want to talk; she would much rather be making out with her husband in a secluded room. But since Edward wanted her to talk to other people, she knew she had to do as her husband wished. Even though her husband was keeping to himself in a chair at the side of the room, still glaring at the bounty huntress and the futuristic racer.
Jacob was attempting to talk Link, since they both could turn into wolves, but he kept losing focus as his eyes kept wandering across the room to a little girl in a pink parka.
"It's nice to meet you, Bella," commented a polite and feminine voice. She was clearly a princess, dressed in a petite crown and a pink dress. She had blonde hair and bright blue eyes. Obviously, Bella thought to herself, she wasn't very smart because she was blonde and way too girly.
"Yeah, hi," she replied.
"I'm Princess Peach of the Mushroom - "
"I know. You're the girl that keeps getting captured and always needs Mario to save you."
Peach did not appreciate being interrupted nor being addressed so rudely, but she remained calm. It would be immature to react; the polite thing was to maintain her grace.
"Bella is a very pretty name. If I ever have a daughter, that's what I'll probably name her," the princess remarked, trying to change the subject.
"I actually do have a daughter," the vampire replied.
"Really?" Peach chirped. She couldn't help feeling uplifted; she loved children. "What's her name?"
"Renesmee," Bella stated.
Peach blinked at her in surprise. "How would you spell that, exactly?"
"Well, we also call her Nessie for short," Bella commented. For people like you who are too dumb to see what a great name Renesmee is, she added mentally.
"So, where is Nessie?"
"She didn't come. She's being watched over by Edward's parents. I wouldn't trust Charlie to take care of her because he's bad with kids."
"Charlie?" Peach asked.
"My father," Bella admitted, with an embarrassed and ashamed tone in her voice.
Peach stared at the special snowflake of a woman in front of her. She referred to her father by his first name, rather than as Dad? She honestly thought her own father was bad with raising children? Clearly, she thought, this woman lacked a lot of respect for her family.
"… What is life like with your husband?" Peach asked, trying to change the subject.
"Oh, Edward?" Bella asked, her eyes lighting up. "He's the best husband and father in the world!"
So, it seemed she only disrespected her own side of her family, Peach concluded. What a truly loving woman.
"I was actually once a boring human like you," Bella commented. Peach frowned. "Yeah. He actually didn't want me to be a vampire. But I was willing to drop out of college to be with him, so we got married. It was kind of funny, but I was so desperate to have sex with him that I didn't even notice he was bruising me and breaking my bones. So, I ended up pregnant with Renesmee. She actually was born in a few weeks because we vampires are special like that."
Peach's face was expressionless; she merely nodded.
"Wouldn't you know it? Our little Nessie was actually trying to eat me from the inside, she was so desperate to get out! So, Edward actually had to chew open my uterus to get our beautiful baby girl out. And since he technically bit me, I became a vampire! I finally got everything I wanted, and I knew my life was perfect."
"Oh… I… um… that's... uh… nice. I think… I'm just going to go get some water to drink and sit down… over there…. With Princess Zelda."
Peach's face appeared rather pale as she slowly made her way to the refreshments table.
Bella had read her mind, and knew that Peach thought the story was gross and she was mean to her father. But who cared what Peach thought? She was obviously a bitch if she thought such beautiful stories of love were so messed up. Her opinion didn't matter, just Bella's. And now that the princess was gone, she could spend more time with her good-looking husband. Bella smiled and went to sit with him.
"I don't like them," Peach confessed to Zelda as she took a seat beside the princess with a cup of water in one hand. "I don't like them at all. What Edward said to Captain Falcon and Samus was wrong, and Bella is just… she's just… I know it's not very lady-like, but I've just got to say it. She's fucked up."
"At least Jacob seems pretty nice," Zelda offered, watching him chatting with Link. At that moment, Nana and Ness came walking over.
"Jacob's weird. He said my name is pretty. I told him to call me Ness, but he keeps calling me Nessie. He said it's short for… wren ass meat. Run as me. Rentals may. Something weird like that."
"He did call me pretty," Nana commented with a smile, then frowned. "But he also told me I had a nice ass."
Zelda and Peach exchanged a horrified look.
"Okay, forget what I said about Jacob. He's a creep," the younger princess remarked.
"I wish they'd never come here," Peach sighed, lowering her face into her hands. "I already want them to leave."
"You're not the only one," Samus remarked, sitting down. "I hate Mister 'I can read your mind and spill your deepest secrets',"
"So… you really…?" Zelda started, but stopped when she noticed Samus's face was flushed with awkward embarrassment.
"There's gotta be some way to get rid of them," the huntress stated.
"It might be a bit extreme, but maybe if we bought some garlic-flavored toothpaste…" Peach shook her head. "No, that'd be way too gross. Besides, if sunlight doesn't hurt them, garlic probably won't do anything."
"We'll think of something," Samus assured. "Whether it's one of us, or a different fighter, we'll figure out some way to make them leave."
----------------------------------------
Several other fighters began to complain as well as the week went by; because the vampires did not sleep, they sometimes went to the windows to watch the fighters sleep. Marth had taken up this issue with Bella, but she shrugged it off, explaining it was just because she liked him and forgotten what it was like to sleep. Jacob was still following Nana around (and Popo, when he couldn't tell the two apart). Edward was just being a jerk and doing whatever he could to keep Bella away from the other fighters.
The matches for Friday finally rolled around; they were to be fighting in 2-on-2 team matches. One player was selected at random to choose an opponent at his or her request. Their opponent then chose their teammate, and then the initial player chose theirs.
Captain Falcon was this player selected for the first fight of the day, dressed in green attire. He didn't hesitate in choosing his opponent.
"Edward Cullen," he stated fearlessly.
The vampire, clad in a red shirt and black jeans, folded his arms and smirked.
"I want Bella to be my partner. Just so you can lose a humiliating loss to a girl," Edward accepted. His wife, in a red tank top and purple shorts, smiled and stepped beside him.
"What are you trying to say? That as girls, we don't fight as well as you do?" Samus asked, clad in her neon green Zero Suit.
"Sounds to me like someone doesn't appreciate sexism," Captain Falcon argued. He smirked. "Samus, would you be willing to be my partner?"
"Naturally," she replied to her fellow bounty hunter. "Just so Edward can lose to a girl."
The four fighters stepped into the transporter, set to bring them to the Final Destination stage.
THREE!
TWO!!
ONE!!!
GO!!!!
Bella dashed forward toward Samus. She was super fast, elegantly balanced, and super perfect because she was a vampire. Unsure of what move to use against the huntress, she threw a punch. Unsuccessful, as Samus had launched some sort of spherical energy shield at the last second. Caught off guard, Samus aimed her blaster low and shot a beam of stunning energy twice into the female vampire before whipping her backward.
"Is that all?" the huntress taunted.
Bella glared up at her, when suddenly a powerful kick to her back knocked her forward.
"FALCON KICK!"
Before he managed to land another hit, Edward grabbed Captain Falcon from behind, clutching his neck.
"I don't think so," he hissed, tossing the Captain behind him. The racer's body rolled against the metal platform until he finally caught himself, his world spinning. Bella and Edward had moved in to team up against the bounty huntress. Falcon glanced to his side and spotted a Cracker Launcher.
Without wasting a moment, he gripped it and got to his feet, firing at the red team. Edward caught sight of it and dodged out of the way quickly, but Bella was not as lucky. The explosions caught her and blasted her off the side of the screen.
"Bella!" Edward called out to her. He furrowed his brows, enraged. Rather than turn and attack the Captain, he took out his anger on Samus. He dashed forward and swung his arm at her in a vicious smack. It caught the huntress across the face and flung her backwards. She barely had enough time to grab onto the edge of the stage.
Captain Falcon grabbed a Pokeball and tossed it at Edward.
"Bonsly!" cried the tree-like Poke'mon. Edward turned and grabbed the Pokemon just as Samus was climbing back up. Captain Falcon glanced anxiously around for another item, in an attempt to save Samus. Suddenly, a Deku nut popped out of nowhere, landing a few feet in front of him. He dashed forward and picked it up, just as Edward pulled his arms back to throw the Pokemon.
Just as the vampire hurled the Pokemon at Samus, Captain Falcon chucked the small nut at Edward. The weight of the Pokemon forced Samus backwards off the platform again, this time too far from the stage to recover. However, the explosion from the nut was strong enough to stun Edward.
"Two things, pal. One, don't mess with Samus. And number two, DON'T EVER mess with me."
Edward couldn't see the Captain behind him in his stunned state, but he knew this would not go well.
"FALCOOOON…"
This was going to be hell. Flames burst from Captain Falcon's gloves as he drew his arm back for the legendary attack.
"… PUUUUUNNNCCHH!!!"
It was incredible. Nobody was there to witness the attack, except for Captain Falcon and Edward, the latter on the receiving end. It was a glorious shot, the most epic punch attack known to mankind. Even if his power had been nerfed, it still had nothing on the legendary punch.
Edward flew off into the sky. Captain Falcon expected to see him fly off as a star in the background, but he did not. He burst through the ceiling of the room where the arenas were simulated by virtual reality technology. The light leaked through from where the Cullen had been sent flying through the ceiling.
The other fighters awaiting the end of the match knew who had won. They cheered in jubilation to see Edward flying through the sky, heading towards the Pacific Ocean. He probably had enough altitude and velocity to fly all the way across the ocean and land over in the United States. He might even end up back in his home sweet home of Forks.
That was the true power of the Falcon Punch.
"Eddy-kins!!!!" Bella wept, running out of the building and chasing after his flying form.
Sure, Nana was cute, but Jacob knew that wherever Bella and Edward were, Renesmee would be there too.
"I wish I could've fought, but… I really should return home with my friends," he explained.
"Just go," Peach insisted.
He waved and dashed outside. The room continued to roar loudly, this time cheering Captain Falcon's name.
He finally left the teleporting device, swarmed by adoring fans, calling him a hero and their savior. He grinned and thanked them, making his way through the crowd. There was only one person he wanted to see. Gently brushing past Ike and Dedede, he spotted his teammate smiling in approval.
"Could I… speak to you outside?" he asked.
Samus nodded. They stepped outside, abandoning the crowd.
Captain Falcon slipped his helmet off, wiping sweat from his forehead. He shook his slightly damp chestnut bangs away from his eyes, setting his helmet aside on a rock.
"Great fight," she complimented. "You… really… it means a lot to all of us. I don't think we really wanted to put up with any of them. The sparkling starts to hurt your eyes after a while."
A hearty chuckle came from Captain Falcon. "Well, if someone's going to mess with me, they're going to get the punch."
His laughter died down, focusing on the green grass at his feet.
"About what Edward said… do you really like me?"
"What?" Samus's head shot up, her cheeks red.
"We sound like teenagers, talking about this whole 'do you like me?' scenario," Captain Falcon grinned sheepishly, his eyes meeting hers. "But… do you?"
"His powers are annoying, but they don't lie," Samus admitted. "It's not because you're handsome and well-built. Well, not completely for that reason."
She smiled at the Captain.
"It's not because I smell delicious either, right?" he asked with a grin.
"No!" she laughed. "It's really because… you intrigue me. There's so much I want to learn about you. Where did you get the title of Captain? What was your childhood like? What inspired you to start racing? I want to go deeper than face-value. Love isn't just about bringing two good-looking or good-smelling people together. It's about bringing them together because of what they find within each other. I've found a confident man who bravely faces any challenge, for example."
"I would give you a detailed view of my philosophy on love, but I think yours takes the cake," Captain Falcon commented with a nod. "So, how about I put it like this… I share the same feelings for you, for the same reasons too."
He took her hand into both of his.
"Join me for dinner tonight. I'll likely be enjoying a victory feast. We can talk some more,"
"Dinner would be lovely, thank you," Samus replied. "But I think right now, I would like to watch some competitive fighting among my friends."
Captain Falcon agreed, picking his helmet up and placing it back over his head. They entered the building, just as the match was announced – Link and Lucas versus Meta-Knight and Red's Charizard.
As they watched the matches, they did not separate their hands.
And so the hunter fell in love with the huntress…
------------------------------------
bijoukaiba: So that ends this one-shot! Great stuff! I loved the characters of Bella and Edward the best!
… … …
Because they were so much fun to make fun of! Hahaha.
Captain Falcon and Samus Aran make a totally better couple than Edward and Bella. And so do Snake and Samus. And Link and Marth. And even Fox and Zelda. As long as their love is based on feelings and emotions, and not "Whoa, you smell or look hot!", they will always make a better couple.
LOVE (e.g., FalSam) DOES NOT EQUAL LUST (EdBell)
Remember when I said I don't write like Stephanie Meyer? Exactly. The only thing that comes close is that last line at the end, but I wanted to make the "fell in love" thing more appropriate.
I'll probably get some flames for this, but… IT'S A JOKE FIC. Making fun of Twilight, making SSBB awesome.
Moral of the story? DON'T MESS WITH CAPTAIN FALCON.