Spoilers from season 3 within
One-shot
Written from Jules' point of view.
It's always the same questions over and over and over again. And as usual, it always comes down to the same question. How are you coping?
COPE
Verb
1. To deal successfully with
2. To tolerate or endure
I smile, nod politely and tell them "I'm fine" or "good I guess" but it's neither of these.
Lew's death was a "tragedy" a "horrible accident". They can call it what they like, each and every one of us is still going to feel somewhat guilty for the events that took place that day. "It wasn't your fault" "You shouldn't blame yourself for what happened". No matter how many people say it and no matter how many times it's said, we will always feel responsible.
We're always taught to be prepared for losing a team mate, but that's just it. They tell us that we may lose some "team mates" along the way and we need to be able to handle that. But when push comes to shove, it's not a team mate we're losing. No, it's more than that. Over the years we're not just building one of the best Strategic Response unit's in Canada, we're not just spending hours on end with our team members. We're a family. Lew isn't just a man I work with, he's a brother.
To know that eventually, he has to be replaced…it's painful. Plants die and we replace them, animals die and sometimes we replace them too but to be forced to fill that empty seat…it's difficult. But we cope and in some ways we move on.
And that's the part where I struggle most. Moving on. Why should I be living a carefree life when Lew never got the chance to? Why should I be with my family when Lew will never get to see his family again? How can I go back to work, knowing that he won't be walking through those doors?
I guess that one of the cons of working on a team full of men is that we never share our feelings. We all build a façade and hide behind it. Never letting anybody in to know just how we really feel. I know I'm not the only one. I've hidden my emotions for so long that it's like I can't feel anything anymore, there is just this constant numbness overtaking my body.
I can smile and I can laugh but I cannot remember the last time I actually wanted to smile or laugh. Instead I'm forced to put on these fake emotions and convince the people around me that I am ok…that I am coping.
To deal successfully with. I'm dealing with it, I have no choice in that part, but am I successfully dealing with it?
To tolerate and endure. That sounds like me. Tolerating with what I have been given and enduring the pain I am suffering.
Nobody will ever know, nobody will ever ask. It's a taboo around here. I guess you can say, It isn't that I'm not coping but I'm not coping well either. I'm just coping.
God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change
Courage to change the things I can
And wisdom to know the difference.