(a/n I'm probably going to get a lot of flames for this, but what the hell? The idea was just too compelling to deny. Damned if I do, damned if I don't so to speak.)

It was an average day at South Park High.

"Shut up fatass!"

"Shut up Jew!"

"At least I'm not a virgin!"

"What?" seventeen year old Eric Cartman asked.

"I said, at least I'm not a virgin, fatass!" seventeen year old Kyle Brofloskvi retorted.

"You are so lying Kyle," Cartman barked back. "No girl would screw you, besides your bitch ass Jew mom!"

Kenny McCormick was rolling on the floor laughing.

"Face it lard butt, you're the only one of us that is still a virgin." Kyle shouted back.

"You are so lying you butt pirate!" Cartman replied, losing his security.

"I lost my virginity to Bebe three weeks ago," Kyle shouted back.

"You guys haven't had sex yet, have you?" Cartman asked Stan and Kenny.

"Me and Wendy both lost our's a month ago," Stan said, confirming Cartman's fear.

"Muffle muffle mmpf," Kenny said.

"You are so lying Kinny, you didn't have sex with Red." Cartman said.

"Mmpf mmpf!" Kenny angrily replied.

Kyle had a mild look of satisfaction.

"Well I lost my virginity before all of you," Cartman shouted.

"With who?" Kyle asked. God, he hated that stupid Jew.

"With...with...with Mr. Garrison!" Cartman blurted out the first name to come to mind.

"Well why don't we go ask him?" Kyle asked.

"Well, you see Kyle." Cartman said, putting on his act. "Herbert doesn't really like to talk about-"

"You didn't have sex with Mr. Garrison fatass, now stop lying and admit you are a virgin." Kyle said.

"I admit nothing!" Cartman shouted before running off.

"Who's next on the list?" Cartman asked. He asked Patty Nelson, she slapped him. Heidi Turner ran away, heading for the girl's restroom.

Christ, was he really this desperate?

"Moooooom," Cartman said in his trademark voice.

"Yes poopsiekins?" Liane Cartman asked as she was baking cookies.

"I know this is going to be hard to understand but stick with me, okay moooom?"

"Okay sweetiekins."

"Well, I just found out that I'm the only virgin in my class," Cartman said.

"You're not a virgin poopsiekins, you're just pure," Liane said.

"But moooom," Cartman said.

"What poopsiekins?"

"Could you have sex with me so I won't be a virgin and kid won't think I'm not cool?"

Mrs. Cartman dropped her plate of cookies. "What!?"

"Could you have-"

"Go to your room!" said. It was one of the few times she ever commanded her son to do anything.

"Goddamn it! I knew I should've been more forcible. Dumb whore will screw anybody besides me." Cartman grumbled.

"Poopsiekins," Liane called.

"What is it mother?" Cartman asked her.

She entered into the room, before sitting on the bed. Slowly, she began to kiss her son. Not your average kiss-on-the-cheek kiss, but a mouth-on-mouth kiss. Her tongue requested entry and Cartman was happy to oblige.

"Oh poopsiekins," she tore from his mouths and undid his shirt and pants before undoing her own clothes. She was barely able to restrain herself from jumping onto him and shrieking like a wild woman as she fucked him senseless.

She mounted him. "Oh mom!" Cartman moaned.

"Oh poopsiekins!" Liane replied in an equally erotic moan. Mother and son in union. Cartman began to thrust again and again. Penetrating further and further into her crevices. It wasn't too hard, the woman was looser than Jennifer Lopez.

"I'm going to-"

Liane covered his lips with her own and Cartman came.

Cartman awoke. It was the middle of the night. The naked intertwined bodies of him and his mom lay in the bed. "Killer." he said before drifting back to sleep.

(a/n I was thinking of doing Kyle/Sheila, Stan/Sharon, Kenny/Carol fics. r&r and tell me what you think.)