Author's note: Written for the Mentalist Big Bang on LJ. A huge thank you to my artist Brown Eyes Parker and to my wonderful beta tromana, who also came up with a title for this story.

Part 1

He woke up to the feeling of a warm body snuggled up against his own. Lisbon was still sleeping peacefully, with her arm wrapped around his waist and for a brief moment, his decision waivered. If he chose to stay, then maybe he could fall asleep in her arms every night and wake up beside her in the morning. Yet, he knew that it wouldn't be fair on her. She was his best friend, his savior, and the only woman he'd really cared about since his wife and daughter. In comparison, he was completely and utterly screwed up.

She deserved something better than this; someone better than him. That was why he had to leave.
Placing one last lingering kiss at the corner of her mouth, he left her bed and her life as well. He'd already made the decision to never come back to Sacramento again.

Jane knew that Lisbon wouldn't be surprised to find the other half of her bed cold and empty in the morning. He could imagine her taking a deep breath as she unfolded the note he had left on the nightstand.

Please don't try to hunt me down. I wish you happiness, but this is goodbye. J.

It hurt to think of her like that, but he knew that this was for the best, for the both of them.

xxx

"I can't thank you enough for what you've done, Mr. Jane. You've brought a smile to these kids' faces and that means a lot both to them and to their families."
He waved a dismissive hand in the general direction of Dr. Scott. Performing magic tricks for the little patients of a pediatric hospital wasn't such a big deal from his point of view.

Five years had passed since Red John's death. Five years, and yet he still had to find some semblance of peace. Helping other people, especially children, was just another way for him to try and relieve his guilt. Yet his sins were so many, and he honestly doubted he could ever find redemption anywhere.

As he strolled out of the room the NBC newscast caught his attention. CBI Senior Agent Teresa Lisbon severely injured in a shoot-out near Sacramento, more to follow.And suddenly, his whole world came crashing down around him.

xxx

He'd jumped on the first flight to Sacramento and rushed to the hospital as quickly as possible. There, he nearly got thrown out, until a nurse took pity on him and ushered him into Lisbon's room. She looked so small and fragile as she lay there, surrounded by tubes and lines and beeping monitors. Before she left them in peace, the nurse told him that they were keeping her in a medical induced coma, so her condition was still considered to be critical.

Bitter tears filled his eyes as he took in her pale features and the heavy bandage around her head.

"You can't do this to me, Teresa."

His soft whisper was lost in the quiet of the hospital room. Lisbon didn't respond at all, but he never expected her to do so. Then, he finally surrendered to grief and just cried his heart out.

xxx

Jane didn't bother finding a motel room for the night. When they kicked him out of Lisbon's room he simply moved to the waiting room, where he dozed briefly. When he woke up at dawn, he had a stiff neck. He spent the next hours peering through the blinds, staring at her recumbent form as doctors and nurses went in and out of the room. When the same nurse bumped into him for the umpteenth time and sent him a fierce glare he decided it was time to take a short break.

As he sipped coffee from a paper cup, courtesy of the vending machine in the hall, his initial grimace of disgust turned into something slightly different. Lisbon had always loved coffee and there was a distinct possibility that she wasn't ever going to taste it again. Quickly, he gulped down the beverage and hurried back upstairs. He stopped dead on his tracks when he noticed there were other visitors inside her room.

One of them was Van Pelt – dear old Grace with her auburn hair and her determined face. Beside her, a little boy was running gentle fingers on Lisbon's cheek. He was a dark-haired boy with sea-green eyes, aged around four years, give or take.

He was the spitting image of Teresa Lisbon herself.

xxx

Lisbon had a son.

He should have expected it, of course. Who deserved a family more than she did? After all, that's exactly what he'd wanted her to do; to move on, and be happy. Except that she was now lying in a hospital bed, and the doctors still couldn't tell whether she was going to live or not.

He made a hasty retreat to the waiting room. As much as he would love to meet Lisbon's child, even if he carefully avoided analyzing that feeling, he still figured it wasn't a good idea at all. His heart skipped a beat when the little boy showed up some ten minutes later and took a seat not too far away from him. Justifiably so, Grace wanted to have a word with the doctors without the kid being present.

The quiet sadness that showed on the child's face prompted Jane to sit down next to him.

"Is everything alright?"

He swallowed when the boy's clear eyes met his own for a moment. It felt almost as if he was looking into Lisbon's eyes once more.

"Mommy's sick."

"I'm sorry," Jane said softly.

The kid stared at his own feet as he dangled them to and fro.

"I don't want her to die."

That was too much, even for Jane. He pulled the boy into his arms and hugged him tightly.

"Me neither."

He didn't see Van Pelt staring at the two of them from the threshold. All he was aware of was the child's trembling body and the sobs that racked his own chest.

xxx

"Thank you," he said as Grace handed him a cup of strong black tea.

They were sitting in the living room of Lisbon's apartment, watching little Connor playing with his toy soldiers. The toys seemed to distract him from his mother's condition for at least a short while.

"How old is he?"

Van Pelt searched his gaze for a moment. "He's four," she answered, confirming his assumption about the child's age. "The boss went to her brother's for a month after the Red John case was closed. When she came back, she was pregnant with Connor. She has always refused to tell us about the father."

"He's dead," Connor stated.

Both of them startled at the boy's unexpected interruption. They had been speaking softly, but apparently not softly enough.

"What did you say, honey?"

"My daddy died in a car crash before I was born. Mommy says so."

Grace bit her lip. It wasn't a subject that she wasn't willing to discuss with the four-year-old. Luckily, Jane quickly came to her rescue.

"Hey, Con. What would you say if I taught you a couple of conjuring tricks?"

The boy's eyes lit up all of a sudden. "You can do magic? I love magic!"

"Sure thing, just lend me a dime and I'll show you."

xxx

In the following days Grace couldn't help marveling at how well Jane and Connor were getting along with each other. Connor had developed a much unexpected fondness for Jane, while Jane himself behaved towards the child like a particularly affectionate uncle.

Or a sort of surrogate father– she thought as she watched them playing together on the living room carpet.

Connor could do with a father figure, after all. She didn't doubt how much he loved his mother, but a father of some sort could only help him. Grace really hoped that Lisbon was going to be there for her son for many more years, but things were still touch and go back at the hospital.

Jane on the other hand, despite all of his misgivings, would make a most wonderful father. She was quite sure of that. After all, he did have experience in that department. If only he'd stayed in Sacramento five years ago, she pondered.

As she busied herself around the kitchen she stole a quick glance towards him. Was he still in love with Lisbon, after all those years? Was that the reason why he had come back at all?

xxx

"Look, Patrick! The coin is gone!"

Jane ruffled the kid's hair. "Well done, Con. You're going to make a great magician in a couple of years."

The child blushed in pleasure. He was sure that his mom's old friend was the nicest man in the world. His brow furrowed slightly as another thought crossed his young mind.

"Patrick… can I ask you something?"

"Of course you may. Fire away."

"You and mom… I mean… Did you love my mommy before I was born?"

Jane paused before placing his teacup back on its saucer. He had a pretty good idea why the kid was asking such a question. It seemed like the boy was desperate for a replacement father, and he couldn't blame him for that. But then, there was the boy's age to take into account…

"Come here, Connor."

The boy complied meekly and sat beside him on the couch.

"I can understand you'd like to have a father. Every child does. But you've been the one to tell me that your dad died in a car accident, remember?"

Connor began fidgeting. "Mommy told me so."

"Then it's true. Your mother would never lie to you."

"She does."

His voice was so low that Jane could hardly hear the last words. "What?"

"Mommy tells me lies sometimes."

"Maybe she tells you lies because she needs to keep some things a secret, but I'm pretty sure she wouldn't lie about your daddy."

A tear rolled down the kid's cheek. "She looked away from me when she said so."

"What are you talking about?"

"I can tell when Mommy's lying. She doesn't look me in the eyes when she lies."

Jane froze in shock. He could still recall a startlingly similar conversation he'd had with his own father some forty years ago.

Damn. What if Connor was indeed his son?

xxx

It was a bright September morning when the doctors called to inform them that Lisbon's conditions had considerably improved, and that they were going to take her out of the medically-induced coma. Connor was beside himself with joy at the news, and simply couldn't wait to see his mom finally awake. He didn't seem to understand that she might not be able to speak to him; they wouldn't know the full extent of her condition until they were there. However, Jane didn't want to upset Connor either. So, he didn't utter a single word as Grace drove them to the hospital.

When Connor rushed to meet his mother with Van Pelt hot on his heels, he didn't follow them inside the room. Instead, he just stood there watching through the blinds, with a sad smile hovering on his lips.

Then he turned from the bittersweet sight of Lisbon holding her son and slowly walked away.

xxx

Jane was sitting in one of the hallways in Sacramento International Airport, surrounded by hundreds of people. Yet he didn't see them, and they didn't see him. He couldn't have felt more alone even if he tried. Given his current mood, he didn't feel like he wanted or deserved company anyway. He didn't feel like speaking to anyone right now.

In half an hour he was going to leave the city again. This time, it would be for good. Lisbon and Connor would go on with their life and they would be happy. Neither of them needed him in their lives. As far as he was concerned, nobody did.

All that he could do for them was carrying the doubts about his presumed fatherhood to the grave. He'd been the one to leave five years ago; now he might as well disappear again. Besides, he'd let Charlotte down when she was Connor's age. He couldn't risk doing that to Lisbon's son too.

Out of the blue, he felt someone slapping him across the face, making him wince painfully.

"What were you thinking, Jane?" Grace hissed.

Grace got no answer from him. They both knew that the slap was well deserved anyway.

"You can't leave a four-year-old kid crying over your sudden departure. You just can't."

"It's better this way, Grace. Believe me."

She grabbed him by the lapels of his jacket. "Cut the crap. Try and be a man, at least for this once."

"You don't understand."

"Look here. I don't know whether you're Connor's father or not, and honestly, I don't care. All I know is that you're coming back with me. If you want me to drag you away in front of all these people, well, that's your choice. I dohave my handcuffs with me, after all."

The far-off ghost of a smile touched Jane's eyes. It looked like Lisbon's stubbornness had somehow passed onto her younger agent in the years he'd been absent.

xxx

Connor listened to Jane's somewhat awkward apologies later that evening. The young boy seemed completely unimpressed.

"I'd better go away, Con. I'm not a good person," he started, trying to be careful with how he phrased it. "I had a daughter once; she was more or less your age when she died. I was the one to cause her death and her mother's too."

The boy looked him in the eyes. "Don't do that."

"What?"

"Feel bad when you didn't do it."

"You have no idea of what I've done," Jane muttered, almost forgetting he was speaking to a young child.

"No. But you look like Mommy when she's lying to me," Connor answered with a surprising amount of logic for a four-year-old.

He offered the kid a tentative smile. "You remind me of your mother when she told me something very similar to that."

In the end, they both fell asleep on the couch, together. Connor's hand clutched hold of Jane's vest as if he was afraid that he could disappear at a moment's notice.

xxx

Grace was sick and tired of the doctors' reticence. She'd been inquiring about the possible outcomes of Lisbon's condition, but all she'd been told was that they couldn't divulge such details to someone who wasn't even a relative. It frustrated her; she wasn't just her boss, but her closest friend too. If anyone deserved to know, it was her. And besides, she currently had custody of Connor; just what was she meant to tell Lisbon's son?

She suspected they were actually avoiding her questions more out of caution than anything else. None of them wanted to say too much and then be held responsible if the prognosis turned out to be different from what they had predicted.

When she finally gave up on her quest and went back to Lisbon's apartment somewhere around midnight, the endearing sight of Connor fast asleep on Jane's chest finally brought a soft smile to Grace's face. Blood ties or not, Jane was probably the next best thing to a father that Connor could ever have. She had done the right thing; that was for sure.

xxx

When he finally entered the hospital room, Jane felt pretty bad. Facing the woman he'd dumped five years ago – the same woman he was still in love with – wasn't an easy task, even for a honed conman like he was.

The fact that Lisbon was staring at him as if he was a ghost didn't help in the slightest.

Then, he remembered that Connor was waiting outside; he couldn't disappoint him again.

"Hi."

She didn't answer to his lame attempt at a greeting. He could see her lips trembling with mixed feelings: anger, hurt, and maybe even the tiniest hint of hope.

"You? How dare you…"

Jane took a step back. "I'm sorry. I shouldn't have come."

Yet, he still owed her an apology, so he did his best to push back the sudden urge of fleeing the room.

"Van Pelt refused to let me go until I talked to you. I told her that the doctors made it clear that you should avoid any heightened feelings of emotion, but…"

A wry smile touched Lisbon's face; she was probably enjoying the sight of him stalling for once.

"Of course, the great Patrick Jane wouldn't face anything unpleasant unless he has a gun pointed to his head."

He ruffled his hair nervously. "Look, I'm not asking for your forgiveness; I'm perfectly aware that I don't deserve it. I just want you to know that my leaving had nothing to do with you."

"Why did you leave then?"

Her voice broke near the end, and he had to swallow a lump in his throat.

"You know why."

Lisbon bit her lip. "We were friends, more than that, really. You could have – should have – told me."

"I didn't want you to talk me out of it."

"What now?"

He blinked a couple of times. "What do you mean?"

All of a sudden her eyes filled with tears. "Don't leave again. Please."

She looked so vulnerable he couldn't help stepping closer and wrapping her into his arms.

"Okay," he whispered. It was the only thing that he could think of to say at that moment in time.

xxx

"Jane, stop it. Please."

He swallowed nervously. "Teresa, if you want me to leave, all you have to do is ask."

She shook her head slowly as she cradled the mug full of coffee he'd just brought her.

"I didn't mean that. It's just… stop staring at me as if I'm going to break. I'm fine now."

"You're lying, but okay."

Truth was, he couldn't help worrying about her. Doctors had said she was going to heal completely, and yet he still found it hard to believe. She still looked, and seemed, incredibly fragile. There were still a couple of bandages yet to be removed, and whenever she had to move, she always seemed to be in some sort of discomfort.

"Where's Connor?" she asked.

"He's downstairs, watching TV. There's a documentary on penguins."

She chuckled softly. "I guess he's taken after you much more than I'd ever expected."

The sudden vulnerability that showed on his face didn't escape her notice. "I'm sorry for keeping your son from you."

"I was the one who ran away, not you. You don't have to apologize."

Lisbon rested her back on the pillows. "I would have told you, Jane. But you asked me not to search for you in that note. I figured you didn't want to have anything to do with me anymore."

He quickly turned away from her. However, it was not fast enough for her to miss the tears that were now filling his eyes.

"You deserve someone better than me, Teresa."

"What if I don't want somebody else?"

When their eyes finally met, he wasn't hiding his feelings anymore. She gestured for him to sit beside her on the bed, and for once he simply yielded to her request. His eyes closed of their own accord as she ran her fingers lightly along the line of his jaw. Then she guided his lips to meet her own.

xxx

After watching two documentaries in a row – whales and dolphins taking the place of penguins – Connor began to feel hungry. As much as he liked nature shows, he hadn't had his afternoon snack yet and his stomach was complaining about it.

That was when he realized that Patrick was still upstairs. What were his mother and her old friend doing?
As he tiptoed to Teresa's bedroom he was greeted by the sight of the man he suspected to be his daddy holding his mommy in his arms. They were both asleep and looked like they had belonged together all the while. He smiled happily and decided to leave them alone for now. His stomach could hold out for a little while longer. He supposed he could watch that documentary on polar bears after all.