AN: Thanks for the messages about the wonky formatting, guys. I've been fighting with FF all morning to get this uploaded; guess that was my comeuppance! Thanks for reading, as always x
He had always hated hospitals. The smells and sounds pulled him back in his mind, almost torturing him with the memories that lurked there.
To being a young boy, watching his mother grow frail, slip from consciousness and her hand fall from his, leaving him with a pocket full of cinema tickets and an empty seat next to him.
Anthony, I need you to listen to me. You need to be brave for me.
Had he ever been brave enough? Not for Kate. Dead in a heartbeat, while he stood on a roof next to her, useless and wholly alive.
And Director Shepherd. He'd practically led her to her death, he may as well have pulled the trigger. He had walked back into that office with blood on his hands, and a period as Agent Afloat would never be enough to repay that debt.
He had never done enough.
" Special Agent DiNozzo? Are you listening to me?"
He snapped back to the doctor speaking to him, eyes refocusing on the face in front of him.
" Are you sure that is what happened? It's imperative we know what happened so-"
" I've told you twice already, what else do you want me to say, huh?! Why aren't you in there helping her?! She needs to live and you are supposed to be in there helping her, not quizzing me over where the fuck she was!" It was harsher than he had really meant it, but the rage was all consuming and the young doctor visibly recoiled from him. He felt a hand grip his arm, shoving it off roughly, McGee's voice barely registering over the roar in his ears.
"Tony, they are trying to help, come on. They just need to know-"
"To know what?!" He rounded on Tim, his voice sounding distant; was it even him speaking? "To know that he shot her? To know that she shouldn't have been in that house?" The guilt was like an imp, clinging to his ear, whispering evil misgivings, a hand crushing his heart. "To know that I should've been there quicker, that I should've stopped him, that I failed to protect her, that I failed to do enough -"
"DiNozzo, that's enough!" It was Gibbs' voice, echoing down the corridor as the older agent swam into view, storming towards them.
"No!" It was almost a snarl. His stomach churned as he glanced back at the window to her room, unable to see past the crowd of white coats and blue scrubs, panic settling over him, feeling very much like a deer in the headlights, his head screaming, hands trembling. " No it isn't! This my fault! I did this, I-"
"Enough." A solid hand grabbed each of his shoulders, firm, a sense of calm washing over him as the steel blue eyes stared into his. "Tony."
The sound of his name was like a pin dropping in a silent room. He gulped, seething anger starting to fall away, glancing back to the room before looking to his boss, suddenly feeling very much like that little boy so long ago, lost, confused and alone.
"Boss, I didn't mean for her…! I'm sorry, I tried, I let her down, I-"
The hands on his shoulders steered him to the hard plastic chairs behind him, and with little pressure he collapsed into one, head finding his trembling hands, nausea overwhelming as he bowed his head, hot tears stinging at this eyes. Gibbs leant down, tilting the younger man's head by the chin so they were once more eye to eye, silent for a moment, before speaking once more.
" It wasn't your fault, Tony. Let her fight now. You've done enough."