Disclaimer: Not mine. Don't Own.

AN: I know. I know, These 'rules' stories have been done before, but I'm still gonna go ahead and work on this. Hopefully you will enjoy it, and I'll get lots of reviews, and everyone will be at least partially happy. :)

The Hogwarts Handbook: A Survival Guide

Hello. If you are reading this, it means that you are a student like me at Hogwarts school of Witchcraft and Wizardry. If not, then I really don't know why you are reading this, as it probably won't make much sense. Still with me? Good. Allow me to introduce myself. Call me Shawn. No, it's not my real name, but I think that having a secret identity is slightly cool and it means that I can write basically anything I want and no one can retaliate against me. This also means that I will not mention which house I have been sorted into, as it might make it easier to track down my identity.

You probably are thinking, why is this Shawn person writing a Handbook inside of a journal but refusing to say who he is or why he is writing this. Well, I can answer part of that. My reasoning for writing this Handbook, is that I believe it is needed if you are going to survive your school years, not just physically but also mentally. You see, school started a few months ago, and while I have heard from most of the older students that Hogwarts is never quiet, I have personally noticed that being away from your parents and armed with a wand, most if not all common sense gets thrown out of the window, locked in a box, and tossed into the middle of a lake.

Hence, the creation of this guide. Writing is supposed to help you cope with things (at least that's what I have heard) and so keeping a journal is a good thing. Having just started as a new first year student, this living in a castle thing complete with ghosts is new for me and it's taking me a bit to get used to it all.(secretly though, I actually enjoy keeping a normal journal) . Also, the boy-who-lived Harry Potter has also started classes here at Hogwarts this year, which basically translates into 'things are about to get interesting.'

Case in point, last night was the Halloween feast. It was a nice feast, complete with great food and good company. At least until our defense professor (who is supposed to teach us how to survive) runs into the great hall announces that a troll has somehow gotten loose in the dungeons and then he promptly fainted. Somehow, I don't quite understand how fainting will help out in any crisis, but he pulled it off quite nicely. This however leads us to our first rule...

Rule 1: Your teachers, while having more training than you, can still be idiots.

This can be explained easily. For instance, causing a panic and then fainting on the ground will only lead to you being trampled but hundreds of students. While magic is quite useful in healing injuries, nothing is completely instantaneous and it really does nothing for your image. Also, having students go to their common rooms while there is a deadly creature on the loose makes no sense. I mean wouldn't it be better to do a quick head-count and leave everyone in the great hall where they are safe, or is it a plot to get hopefully get rid of a quarter of the students, since the Slytherin common room is located in the, can you guess it, the dungeons. Where there is a troll. What were the teachers thinking.

Rule 2: If you want to become friends with someone, insult them and then proceed to save their life.

I overheard Ron Weasley insult Hermione Granger earlier in the day (before the troll incident). Then, during the troll incident Ron and Harry Potter went, not to their common room, or to inform someone that Hermione was missing during the feast, but to look for her. It has to be attributed to sheer luck that they managed to find her and stop the troll. AND they were awarded points for surviving. The three of them are now appearing to be friends.

Rule 3: The wizarding world runs on stereotypes.

Hufflepuffs are loyal but lazy. Ravenclaws are smart but useless outside of a library. Slytherins are evil and planning on world domination. And Gryffindors are brave but strive to become cannon fodder. Granted, the cannon fodder goal may actually be true. The Weasley twins, Fred and George, are brilliant pranksters. But they made the mistake of playing a prank on some Hufflepuffs. Clearly they are NOT lazy. The twins were later seen with yellow and black stripped hair for about 2 days after the pranking incident. It was rather funny. Though, I suspect a prank war will be in the works.

Rule 4: While amusing, playing the batman theme song when Professor Snape walks in the room is just asking for trouble.

While the potions professor looks fairly bat-like. I honestly think that the eye twitch is not a good sign, and since I have heard a rumor that he was once a death eater, annoying him to the brink of insanity will probably only end badly. I will personally be impressed if he makes it till the Christmas holidays without snapping. But, it should be great fun when he realizes that it is one of his Slytherins that keep the prank running.