A/N: FISRT OFF, THIS IS COMPLETE CRACK! Okay? Good.

I randomly decided to make a Death Note Christmas fic, so here it is! I don't know how the timeline works, so I decided to make everyone exist at the same time. Near is 12, Mello and Matt are 13, Linda is 9, A, BB, L, and E (my random OC who happens to be in something else I'm working on) are 15, and Watari and Roger are beyond old.

I don't own Death Note, Christmas, God, Transformers, Family Guy, Legos, or Haruhi Suzumiya. Duh.

Also, almost everyone is *le OOC*, 'cuz it's crack.

A Death Note Christmas

Third Person POV

At precisely three o' clock Christmas morning, Near bolted out of bed and ran screaming down the hall. "HOLY LEGOS! IT'S CHRISTMAS! WAKE UP! WHEEEEEEEE!" he shouted. Awakened by the annoying sheep-child, everyone at Wammy's got out of bed and followed Near.

Everyone except Mello, that is.

Near noticed the distinct lack of leather-wearing chocoholics present, and went to retrieve Mello. He poked his head in Mello's room and screamed at the top of his lungs, "MELLO! WAKE UP! IT'S CHRISTMAS!". Said violent 13-year-old promptly fell out of bed and yelped. Then, he realized it was Christmas. He checked his alarm clock

"Holy shit, Near! It's already three? I thought I set my alarm to go off early!" he said. You've probably figured out by now that Mello loved Christmas. It was his favorite day of the year, besides his birthday and Valentine's Day (he usually got chocolate from Matt). In fact, he loved it SO much, he was nice to Near.

Anyways, Mello ran downstairs, realized he was only wearing boxers, slapped a giggling Matt, and ran back upstairs. Fuck, where are my clothes?,he thought. He searched his impossibly messy room and found…pink pajamas (with red candy canes). Dammit. He couldn't find anything else, and after half an hour, he decided to just wear his stupid girlie PJ's and go downstairs.

In the meantime, Beyond Birthday and L were in an awkward situation. You're all familiar with mistletoe, right? Good. Then you probably know what sort of problem BB and L were having. They were both underneath the mistletoe, blushing furiously. Matt, Near, Linda, and A were screaming "KISS! KISS! KISS!", Watari was shaking his head, and E was a little pissed (She and BB went out.) They tried to get away, but Linda kept pushing them towards each other. Seeing no way out, L leaned towards BB, closed his eyes, and…

…You know what happened next. After about a quarter of a second, BB and L ran screaming in opposite directions. When they both regained their sanity, E slapped them both. BB apologized and all that shit.

After the M.I. (Mistletoe Incident), everyone opened their presents. Near got Legos and Transformers and shit, Mello got chocolate, Matt got a bunch of games, L got candy, BB got jam, et cetera, et cetera. OMIGOD! WHO THE HELL CARES?

At some point, everyone started singing Christmas carols, like in all holiday specials. Near, Mello, Matt, and Watari started singing:

"Ding fries are done ding fries are done ding fries are done ding fries are done I gotta run I gotta run I gotta run I gotta run I work at Burger King making flame-broiled whoppers I wear paper hats Would you like an apple pie with that? Would you like an apple pie with that? Ding fries are done ding fries are done ding fries are done ding fries are done I gotta run I gotta run I gotta run I gotta run Don't touch the fries in hot fat it really hurts bad and so do skin graphs Would you like an apple pie with that? Would you like an apple pie with that? Wait for the bell Can't hear the bell Where is the bell Wait for the bell Ding fries are done Diiing friiies are dooone…"

…or however the Hell that song goes. Then BB and E sang the only Christmas-y song they knew:

"Deck the halls with gasoline,

Falalalala-lalalala

Light a match and watch it gleam,

Falalalala-lalalala

Watch the town burn down to ashes,

Falalalala-lalalala

Aren't you glad you played with matches?

Falalalala-lalalala!"

A started singing:

"I've brought these gifts for you

They're up in my bum…"

And Mello sang his favorite Christmas song:

"La, la, la, la, la La, la, la, la, la Look at the bells Look at the bells

La, la, la, la, la La, la, la, la, la Holy crap, here comes Jesus And he doesn't look too happy

La, la, la, la, la La, la, la, la, LAAAAAAAAA!"

Nobody else knew any Christmas songs, so they started humming "O Christmas Tree".

After more random shit happened, Haruhi Suzumiya appeared and did that funny dance she does in the end credits of The Melancholy Of Haruhi Suzumiya.

Then the entire world blew up.

MERRY FUCKING CHRISTMAS!

Please die slowly.