"You're such an arrogant and selfish jerk!"
That was the last thing he said to me and I was rewarded with a slap on the face.
Those were the good times.
I miss all of that. When the new girl had arrived and claimed the place of the Joker in their little group. I had an odd fascination about her for quite a long while. I had visited her often and Tadase didn't seem all too pleased with that.
At first I thought I was falling for her. I wasn't. I was falling for him yet again.
Jealousy.
That's what I was trying to imply. I wanted to make him jealous by stealing his litter Joker girl and one of the characters he had grown fond of. I wanted to bring them out of his reach so that I would the only one he could have. I know it was childish, but I did everything subconsciously.
He was the only one I wanted.
I had tried getting over him once I realized, but that was no easy feat. I tried other girls and boys. They didn't interest me as much as he did, they gave me no pleasurable feelings (besides the actual act itself) and they gave me no positive emotions.
He always made me smile inwardly.
I was either stoic or smirking on the outside, which may have given him the wrong idea. He probably thought I was making fun of him and such. I wonder how we became so close, our lives so intertwined with the other.
I was the prisoner.
I couldn't separate myself, it was impossible. I couldn't force my way out – I'm weak. I think it's because I'd rather be trapped in this cycle. The fact that I can't survive without him. How I can never find anyone else.
I like it better that way.
I knew I liked him, that was obvious. However, don't get me wrong. This isn't love, not even close. My feelings remain simply at 'like.' Or maybe, who knows, I just want him because he rejects me. He wouldn't give me a single look, really, until recently. I had finally gained his trust, but he didn't give me what I wanted completely.
Yes, I'm talking about that. He wouldn't hear about it about doing it with me. Why. The. Fuck. Not. Then I did something regrettable which brought me to my perish, him slapping me. I would tell you that it felt like a slap in the face, but that's exactly what it was. I felt no hurt at all, no heartache – it simply proved that I enjoyed the chase. I guess it wasn't 'like' after all. The chase of going after someone you can't get then they finally grow fond of you. Then you don't want them anymore. That's how it was with was with the blond.
It had become one-sided yet again, except this time it was on his behalf.
I wanted to give him a chance, but as the days progressed, I no longer wanted this. I wanted him to learn that I wasn't a loyal person. I wasn't a dog. I would have to say that I enjoy my feline characteristics better.
He saw me with another person, a male just to make it worse. His name was Yoru, a quite eccentric young man at that. Shaggy dark hair, cosplay cat-ears and quite a revealing outfit with one aspect that I enjoyed completely. He knew I was using him. I had met him the previous day and Tadase just happened to walk in on us.
Goodbye.
With the slap on my face, he left. Crying. I made no effort to chase him. It was over, meaningless. I had my new play toy for the time being. In my opinion, he wasn't as attractive, but there was the whole deal of him doing what I wanted that was a large bonus.
I don't even know what I liked about the blond anyways.
The chase was only fun with him. It was annoying with everyone else. Yet there was nothing. I had made sure before having him walk in on us. What I didn't understand was what happened the next day. I passed by him but instead of smirking or whatnot, an expression of utter shock was on my face as he did something unimaginable.
The little bitch glared at me!
I was amazed by that. Him... it was as if a parent had raised one of the nicest and calmest of children and they suddenly rebelled. That's how shocked I was. I couldn't believe my eyes, but then again...
That's when it started.
I finally began feeling that pang of hurt. The guilt. Fuck, this couldn't be happening, not now. Not after I was finally released from the cage. Now I was simply locked back inside. Even Yoru seemed to notice there was something wrong with me.
It went down the drain from there.
There was a time my sleeping hours got completely messed up. I changed from a perfect attendance to a person who skipped classes almost everyday, smoking... He was the cause of all this, yet I couldn't bring myself to hate him.
I guess it was 'like' after all.
I wish I could just disappear. No, I wish he would. Like this, I wouldn't have someone that I could fall for this badly. I wish it had simply been the chase. That was so much easier to deal with.
Yoru had been with me these past few weeks until he was feeling as broken as I was. I had hurt him too much, lashing out my anger and abuse that was directed towards me and the blond onto his fragile body. He left me, as did the world.
It seemed that Yoru had told Tadase about my current condition, or he probably wouldn't have been at my doorstep, imposing his way into my life yet again. I didn't want him there. He was probably enjoying the fact that I was a complete mess.
Yet he broke down crying.
Ha, he's always in tears when he's with me. How ironic, I feel like I'm the one dying. From feeling broken, from being a pathetic excuse of a human being. I didn't want this anymore.
"Cats always land on their feet. They have nine lives, too!" A blond boy pointed at the information on a book to a darker haired boy. "I bet I can be a cat too. Watch me."
"I bet I can be a cat too. Watch me." he repeated the words of his younger self, heading towards the roof.
Watch me.