"Father! Father!"
"Are the colonies satisfied now! Are they satisfied!"
"You're so kind and gentle. So was Father. Why did he have to be killed?"
"I'll never forget what happened today! I'll never let them forget either!"
Behind the Zero
Quatre didn't understand. Although nobody had truly seen it, the word "perfection" can be found in every language that he had learned. Adults taught children about integrity and morals even if the world did not follow those rules. Honour, acceptance, justice and truth- in war, none of them were required. It all came down to who emerged triumphant.
He never thought that he would be able to win the war. When Instructor H sent him along his way, he didn't know that he would have allies, and a fifteen year old boydid notstand much chance against the world. Yet when he first arrived on Earth he found that the Maganacs were still willing to fight for him after two years, and later he found four other Gundam pilots who shared his course. Thus for a moment, he thought, he wasn't alone, and for a moment, he thought, maybe they did have a chance after all.
But who was he kidding? Forty-five men were no different than a fifteen year old boy when they were up against something as big as everything. Together, they just made a greater pile of cannon fodder. It was like playing a game of chess where there were billions of black pawns closing in on forty five white knights...And he volunteered to be one of the knights. Brilliant move, Quatre, just brilliant of you. So what if your King had a grand name called Freedom? It was impossible to win, and ideals that could not be realized were not exactly ideals after all.
The first game was lost when Heero was tricked into destroying the peaceful Federation delegates. The second was lost when Lady Une talked the colonists into believing OZ. He finally realized that doing what he believed to be right was of no importance. What truly mattered was whether one could lead others to think his actions were "right".
After all, "right" was relative and was but the majority's opinion.
The white pawns had deserted his King and bowed down to the enemy. His King was captured, what should he do? What should a Knight do after the King was captured?
The white pieces were dying for an incompetent King with a naïve dream. The unrealistic hope for a better future was not worth their lives. It wasn't worth Iria. It wasn't worth his father. It definitely wasn't worth his life. Why should they die? Why should such powerful pieces die for a King who could only move a single goddamn step each turn? Someone who needed to be protected was a liability.
Quatre realized that he did not need a King. All he needed was a powerful Queen.
A Queen who would obey him.
A Queen who would not betray him like the colonists.
His Queen.
OoOoOoOoOo
'Wing Zero?' The recently orphaned teenager mused as he flipped through the blueprints he found in his instructor's lab. He wondered if the Gundam would be his wings. He wondered if it would return everything to nothingness - to zero. He wondered why Wing Zero sounded so wonderful to his ears.
Zero. Simple and clean.
He smiled.
Quatre buried his head into the file he was holding and inhaled the fresh paper scent of the blueprints he had just printed.
"I'll be your daddy. But I'll be a good daddy and let you be my Queen." His voice came out muffled as he rubbed his cheek against the detailed cross-sectional diagram of his beloved Zero.
OoOoOoOoOo
"You look stunning today," Quatre whispered as he trembled slightly. Releasing the controls for a moment, the blond petted the wall to his right.
'Help me.' He begged in his mind as he ran his hand soothingly across the wall before gripping the controls once more.
"Help me make sure that they'll never forget," Quatre breathed before biting his lower lip. The thrusters roared to life as his Wing prepared to take flight.
When Quatre flew through the stars in his new mobile suit, he listened very attentively to what his Queen told him. He was determined to be a good daddy and he wanted to understand Zero's logic.
Zero told him about unlimited possibilities and how to achieve them. Zero gave him figures and graph curves to help him understand. Zero gave him facts and the projections of them.
Quatre was confused why Zero had not talked about her emotions.
His mind flickered briefly to think about his own father. He could not remember if he had told the aging man about his feelings. Then there was this sudden emptiness in him, when he realized that his father was no longer aging, but dead.
He decided that he had no reason to let the world forget that they had murdered a great man out of their insanity.
Zero faithfully refrained from commenting, and just showed him the various choices he could choose from to turn that decision into reality.
He had this agitation clawing at him, urging him to do something though he wasn't sure what that something was. Thousands of little ants seem to be crawling up and down his internal organs, and he must stop this irritating torment.
His target zoomed into view. It was aL4 resource satellite, formerly owned by his family, but now under OZ rule.
A part of him wanted to cry, so he asked that part of him why he should.
Another part of him wondered if he was going insane, since he was talking to himself.
Zero's screen beeped and broke his stream of consciousness. The satellite had requested for a communication channel to be opened. As he switched on the audio link, he secretly wished he had done the same for his father.
But that was of no importance already.
"Shuttle, you are trespassing into restricted grounds. Change your course or we'll open fire. I repeat. Change your course or we'll open fire. This is not a threat. This is a warning..."
An icy smile touched Quatre's lips as he ordered Zero to metamorphose into her full shape.
She spread her wings.
OoOoOoOoOo
Quatre saw flashes of yellow blinding light before he felt the tremors brought about by the impact of the laser beams hitting his Zero.
He growled and snarled his teeth, even though nobody could see his expression through the thick layers of gundamniun which wrapped him in a ball.
The OZ resource satellite dispatches its mobile suits team, and they fired mercilessly on Wing Zero, intending to rip it apart.
Quatre's mind blanked out for a moment, as his body rocked to and fro from the blasts. It reminded him of his ride on a roller-coaster with three hundred and sixty degree turns when he was a child. It almost reminded him of the rare occasion when his father had brought him out for a day of fun in the L4 main colony theme park.
When the smoke cleared, the OZ soldiers found out to their horror that the reports they had heard about the infamous Gundams were true. They were indestructible.
And nobody lived to recount a meeting with a Gundam, save the Lightning Court.
The pilots screamed as death snatched their souls.
Quatre bit his lip to stop himself from laughing. He asked Zero mentally if she was enjoying it.
He took aim at the satellite, then fired without the slightest hesitation.
The satellite glowed with a blinding white light before exploding into spectacular supernova. Quatre, who had not used any real effort to create the magnificent stellar explosion, heaved heavily.
The agitation he felt had not ceased. The desire to destroy was driving him nuts.
At the back of his mind, all he wanted to do was to fall into a deep slumber and wake up from this surreal scene.
OoOoOoOoOo
Zero picked the next nearest suitable target colony for Quatre, but he defiantly chose to go for one that was closer to the moon base. He slowed down Zero's speed after sending awarning to the colony, allowing time for the oh-so-innocent-colonists to evacuate.
"Come." He silently willed for reinforcements to meet him. It was him alone against the whole world again, and he knew he probably won't live through the day. Zero, alarmed by this train of thought, gave an urgent warning for him to either get back-ups strong enough to defeat his targeted enemy, or to simply abort the mission.
Quatre was angered at her cowardice, but he simply ignored her.
Oh how would she know that his actions had three objectives? He had to create an event that would not be forgotten, he had to destroy weapons in space, and lastly, he had to...
Die.
Zero.
He had planned all these while he was building Zero. She was only his Queen, so she had no right to interfere with his flawless plan.
She went silent.
Stars zoomed past. They arrived at their destination.
A quick scan showed no signs of civilian shuttles in range. Zero determined an 85 percent probability that evacuation of the colony had been completed.
Quatre smiled. He could not afford to hurt innocents if he were to make this day remembered for its true cause. He must not victimize colonists, but just to make them, and their children, and their children's children remember that they had killed his father out of their foolishness. No no no no.. he was the only victim around here.
Perhaps the remaining OZ army would surrender and save him the trouble?
The colony fired its laser beams.
Uh, no such luck.
They were afraid to die. Oh, yet they do not hesitate to kill, wasn't it? They thought that picking up weapons was fun, so he would show them fun.
"If you are afraid to die, then you shouldn't be fighting at all!"
Zero dodged the shower of flashing beams with implausible speed and agility. Once she got close enough, Quatre and her fired as one.
He could feel himself extent and merge with the beam cannon, firing a burst of pure energy that first pierced the colony like a saber through flesh, then sending ripples of demolishment which tore the fragile metal mega-structure apart.
Perhaps the light from the explosion was too blinding and had hurt his eyes. Tears formed and overflowed his lids. Sparkling water droplets floated in front of him. They were beautiful, and pure like the stars. That was strange. Everything was following his plan. Why was he crying? He wasn't sad at all...there was no reason for him to be sad.
Yet, he did not have to heart to wipe those pretty stars away.
They continued to float inside Zero.
OoOoOoOoOo
Quatre let Zero pick his next target. He wanted to apologize to her for ignoring her warnings and dragging her down his grave.
He sent his boring threat for the third time. For a moment, he thought of including some of his cartoonish doodles in the message to make it more lively and creative.
He giggled at that silly idea. A stick figure Wing Zero would not look too intimating.
He placed his forefinger on Zero's screen and traced lazy shapes among the stars.
His desire to destroy was gradually replaced by a strange serenity as he enjoyed the childish act while Zero took him to his next destination.
Quatre drew a cat for his pride and introversion.
He drew a smiley because it was easy to draw.
He drew a ship to contain his dreams.
He drew a snake. He drew himself. He drew constellations that did not exist.
He tried to draw a colony, but the positions of the stars were all wrong.
He slammed his fist into the panel before him to vent his frustration over the minute failure.
BEEP. BEEP. BEEP.
Zero broke him out of his reverie and told him they were there.
A colony stood proudly in front of them. It was calm, quiet, and magnificent in its own way. Quatre almost saw a shimmering starlight outlining it.
Then it crossed his mind that things were too quiet around here. The proud colony had been completely and utterly abandoned. He didn't feel like destroying it right away.
Did he pity the colony?
Or could he relate to it?
"That's ridiculous. It's only a dead thing...an inanimate object," Quatre berated himself aloud.
Yet he found himself guiding Zero into the interior of the colony, his mind in a daze.
The buildings and infrastructure of the colony were all intact. As if in a trance, he deliberately raised Zero's shield and rammed it through the building next to him. It crumbled. Ashes and dust was stirred from rest.
He strolled down the main street and gently tortured the cityscape.
He wanted to break the colony and bring it low before he smashed it to space dust. He was so tired of that smugness the colony possessed. It had laughed at him.
A Ferris wheel of an amusement park appeared in front of him.
"Nah,"Quatre thought he sounded like a spoiled kid when he said that. "Colonies do not need this type of thing. What they need is war!"
He cheerfully finished his sentence by crumpling the steel structure as if it were made of paper.
Three Leos suddenly appeared out of the corner. Just the hateful sight of them relit his anger, providing him with the incentive to continue his mission. He had wasted too much time satisfying his inner child. Some serious work needed to be done.
OoOoOoOoOo
Moments after Trowa's team lost contact with the three Leos scouting in the colony, the legendary Wing Zero flew in sight. The OZ soldiers who were trying to maneuver their suits away from the mouth of the fearful buster rifle widened their eyes in shock as the Gundam split it into two halves. Zero raised the rifles horizontally on both sides, when it fired and rotated simultaneously. The twin energy beams moved 360 degrees, one chasing the Leos from behind while the other cut off their escape route.
Before long, nothing physical of the Leo squad remained.
Perhaps metaphysical spectres haunted the area. Yet what difference would that make? Death was so firm a finality that no one could bear.
"How easy it is to make a ghost." 1
Quatre was disturbed by the poet's indifference when he first read that line at ten. He hadn't thought of it when he first killed at the age of thirteen. Now he understood perfectly.
"Being damned, I am amused-"
His whisper was cut short by Trowa calling his name and asking whether he could hear it. Displeased that his poetry session was interrupted, Quatre spoke slowly, as if to an uncomprehending child.
"I can hear you," he answered exasperatedly. He had heard him crystal clear, right down to the hint of excitement in Trowa's voice. All the while he had been waiting for Trowa to show some form of emotion towards him, yet of all times, that brunette chose...this. That made Quatre mad.
"Don't come any closer, Trowa."
If it was any situation other than this, Quatre might have edged closer to Trowa himself, glad for that rare glimpse of emotion from that stonic boy. But it had to be, oh it had to be under such circumstances. It had to be right after his realization that he didn't care if he made ghosts, or was damned, or was amused. He was beyond care.
Trowa didn't care too. Vayeate flew towards Zero despite Quatre's warning.
"You can't do that! I told you not to come any closer!" Quatre yelled with all the smugness of a triumphant brat as he pressed the beam cannon trigger gently. hohoho, he was boss here, and nobody disobeyed him. His Queen was the most powerful of all, and power was all that mattered in a war!
Quatre jerked the cannon away as soon as he fired. He only wanted to show Trowa who was in control, not to kill him. True to Zero and his calculations, Vayeate did not blow up, and Trowa was still in its cockpit.
What happened? The usually silent one asked him. What happened? This wasn't like him, he said. This wasn't like him. This wasn't like him? How dare strange-hair claimed to know what was and wasn't like him? He could count all the conversations they had had with the fingers on one hand.
Outer space had gone crazy, he replied. They armed themselves, and I'd destroy all weapons, he replied. I wanted to make them remember, he replied silently. I wanted to die, he replied silently.
Trowa could not hear silent replies.
Heero did not listen to any replies. He only saw a madman demolishing his homeland.
Quatre did not see that. From the radar, Quatre only saw someone trying to attack him. He whipped the beam cannon towards Mercurius and fired, but the suit's defense shield held up. Heero took the opportunity to knock the beam cannon off Zero's hand using Mercurius' beam saber.
"If everything had gone mad, I'll fight trusting my own judgement!" screamed Heero.
"That's what the fuck I'm trying to do, moron, if you'll excuse me!" Quatre screamed back in his mind, too furious to speak out at that ridiculous comment. He pulled out Zero's beam saber too, ready for a sword play.
"I am going to kill you, Quatre."
OoOoOoOoOo
Perhaps Wing Zero was too sophisticated a machine for Mercurius' capacities. Perhaps Quatre was too good a tactician for Heero's calculations.
Whatever the reason, Mercurius was losing, since its electric shields were being worn down slowly but surely. Without them, the suit would not stand a chance against Zero's weaponry.
Quatre tangled Zero's saber with two of Mercurius shields, and thus bought himself some crucial seconds. A span long enough for him to retrieve Zero's beam cannon. He immediately whipped around and shot. Sparks flied off Mercurius' defending shields, a sure sign of malfunction. Zero speculated that Mercurius could only take 1.561 more of such shots before it exploded.
"You'll die, Heero. I don't want to kill my ally."
"Please, I beg you. Run," Quatre pleaded.
He always told his opponents to surrender if he was sure of his victory. They never complied. But since he had warned them, it wouldn't be his fault that they were suicidal, would it?
People who opposed him usually end up dead. Like his father.
"Did you hear me, Heero?"
Did Heero hear what he wasn't saying? Did anyone?
"Quatre, I will not run. There is a colony behind me."
Heero's calm statement made Quatre's blood boil. It was dripping with righteousness, and like the proud, abandoned colony, it had mocked him. How dare Heero had the say that to him? Heero was the one who destroyed the shuttle full of peaceful colony-representatives. Heero was the one who drove the colonies to betray them. Heero made the L4 colonists turn to OZ. Utimately, it was Heero who drove his father to an early grave.
Heero was the cause of the actions Quatre was taking. So how dare he, how dare he made him look like the bad guy?
Quatre slammed his fist on the 'fire' button.
The force of the blast slammed Mercurius into and through the outer wall of the colony.
"Heero, I am really tired of that colony," announced Quatre. He was really tired of Heero too, to speak the truth.
"Get out of the suit, though it is probably useless to say that to you."Quatre almost sneered, with a new harshness in his voice. He almost smiled with glee when Heero told him to get it over and done with. That meant that Heero was not leaving, and he would be able lash out his anger on the Japanese.
"Goodbye, Heero."
OoOoOoOoOo
Quatre was too absorbed in his emotions. Zero thought that the possibility of such stupidity happening was negligible. Neither of them expected Vayeate to intercept the cannon beam meant for Mercurius.
They were stunned by this discrepancy of their predictions.
"Quatre, I think you are making a mistake."
Trowa's voice was soft, yet it seemed to come from all directions. It was deafening.
Trowa talked on.
Quatre took off his helmet, because he was suffocating with words he couldn't say. He wanted...he wanted to tell Trowa that he wasn't as kind, as naïve or as idealistic as Trowa thought he was.
He knew that one person couldn't change the war, and that's why he chose to be a Gundam pilot in the first place. He knew he wasn't needed, either in the new era, or in the past. The truth was, they could still make as many of him as they want. It was his entering the war that defined him as a human, as something more than a mere collection of organic materials.
He could not accept an era of false peace. He could not accept himself.
Then Trowa told him that if a war had no purpose, the soldiers had no purpose too.
He had no purpose. He still wasn't needed.
OoOoOoOoOo
In a game of chess, the King was a liability. Yet it was necessary, for without it, the other pieces had nothing to fight for. Without it, all pieces became useless, and the game would fall apart. Trowa was right, he was making a mistake. He needed a King if he wanted to fight. Perhaps, perhaps, if nobody needed a test-tube baby, perhaps an ideal needed him? Perhaps, perhaps history itself needed him? If Don Quixote could fight a windmill, so could Quatre Winner.
He was only dimmly aware that Heero was frantically urging Trowa to leave Vayeate.
It wouldn't be his fault if Trowa was suicidal and refused to get out of the Vayeate before it exploded, would it?
Then he realized that it wouldn't matter whether it was his fault or not. He would feel responsible anyway.
As he stared blankly at Vayeate, his detached mind told him that the colony that he was attacking had survived.
It was battered, but alive.
1 From the poem "How to Kill" by Keith Douglas
AN: I always believed that Quatre was neither controlled nor influenced by the zero system during episode 24 and 25. Official statement says that Quatre was pushed over the edge because he was 'over-charged' by the zero-system. Quatre doesn't really need it in the first place, as he has empathetic abilities similar to the induced 'sixth-sense' by the system, and his own brain can perform analytical calculations as well as the programme itself.
Yet something doesn't add up in this explanation. If this were the case, it would be impossible for him to overcome the system towards the end of the series, since it would not be a simple matter of mental will (like in the case of the other pilots), but a problem of physical incompatibility. (i.e. his physical qualities constrains his ability to work with the system) But the truth is, he did manage to use the system without complications in episode 44, indicating that his empathy and brain isn't overcharged by the system. (If the system will 'overcharge' him it would do it every time his uses it, and the insanity effect will not just go 'on' or 'off' by chance.) Thus my theory is that he wasn't over-enhanced by the zero.
Another interesting fact is that Quatre did not display any symptoms common to those hooked on to zero over a long period for the first time. There was neither hallucination, induced unconsciousness nor death. He was in control and his actions were perfectly logical, i.e. warning colonies before attacking, telling Heero to piss off before shooting him… etc. He did not seem to be controlled by the system at all. I am not saying he was his normal self, since he obviously had snapped way back in episode 21, where he laughed maniacally at his father (and sister?) death(s). However, that was before he built Wing Zero.
This fic started out as a songfic to "I Don't Like Mondays" by Boomtown Rats. It would work better to read the fic while listening to that song:)