I wanted to do something funny with Spike, so here it is. Spike bakes cookies.

This is mostly dialogue so you can make the pictures in your mind. I have a few action words, but that's ok. Any actions are in italics. Italics.

Read this with Spike's accent in your head.

Buffy has spread all of the ingredients out on the table for Spike. She gave him the recipe and had to hurry off. Spike is standing in front of the table.

"Ok. So. Cookies. What do I do first? Recipe. I should look at the recipe. Now where did it go? Where did I put that bloody—ah. Right in my hand.

" 'preheat oven.' Now how the hell do I do that?" glances at oven. "oh, the button that says 'preheat.' Now I see. Ok. After that."

Reads paper.

" 'Combine flour, baking soda and salt in small bowl.' I can do that. How much flour. 2 ¼ cups. Ok….. gently…."

Poof!!

"Aww, bloody hell!! Now I look like a freaking ghost. Achoo! Bloody hell!!! Now look at Giles's kitchen! It's all white! Fine. I'll show you, you stupid flour. I'll make these cookies and show you!!! Just as soon as I clean up…"

…10 minutes later…

"Alright. Now I've got my flour and I need…what now? Baking soda. Ok. Which one is that? Aw, hell, there's diet coke in the fridge. I think that's the same thing…one teaspoon. That's this one, right? Yeah, ok."

Pours…

"…and salt. Where's the salt? This stuff here. Ok…"

Grind. Grind. Grind. Grind.

"Oh. I think I was supposed to pour that into a spoon first. Oh, well. I don't think I put too much in…

"Now I have to… 'Beat butter, granulated sugar, brown sugar and vanilla extract in large mixer bowl until creamy.' I can do that. Alright, two sticks of butter," plop "3/4 cup of sugar. I think that's this whole bag…" pour "brown sugar. How do I make it brown? I'll just pour some of this food coloring on it until it's brown," drip, drip, "there we go. And vanilla extract. That's this stuff? Yeah. Ok…there. Now I beat it. Alright, if it says so…"

Punch! Crash, ting-ting!

"Oh, hell, oh bloody hell! It said beat! I beat it! Ah, liquid going all over the place! Bloody hell, I gotta get a new bowl!"

Scoop.

"That's better. Ok, now I add eggs. It says beat them in but I'm not go that again, no way. I'll just put them in there. Maybe I should break them open first. Ok," crack! "Ew! Gooey stuff! Get it off! Ok, there! See, flour! I'm doing a pretty good job! Now I beat in the dry stuff…no, not beat. Just, just pour it in, ok, good. Now what?

" 'Stir in morsels and nuts.' *snort* 'nuts' ok, lemme do that…

"Ok that's good. Now the baking sheets. Where are the baking sheets? All I see are these metal pans. That must be them.

" 'Drop by rounded tablespoon onto ungreased baking sheets.' How the hell do you do that? Oh, what the hell! Just throw it all on there!"

Upends bowl.

"Now I put it in the oven…ow! Hot! Bloody hell!!"

…

"Phew! I that's done…"

Click.

"Hey, Buffy! Your back! The cookies are baking."

And Buffy says, "oh, good they smell pretty—WHAT THE HELL DID YOU DO TO GILES' KITCHEN!!!

Did you like it?

I need everyone to review because I don't know if im all that good at crack.

So review or ill get Spike to kick your ass!!

Empty Darkness