Title: where we lie and everything dies….
Prompt: 4. tattoos / tattooing
Genre: Angst
Rating: PG-13 (due to dark themes)
Warnings: Major Character Death, HUGE SPOILER FOR ANIME FANS AND PEOPLE WHO HAVE NOT READ THE LATEST CHAPTERS.
Paring: Kaneki Ken/Uta (hints for this story)
Author's Note: I'm dedicating this to corporalmizuki for being a wonderful person & friend, and because this is part of a birthday gift.
4. tattoos / tattooing
Kaneki has trouble looking away from Uta-san's tattoos.
He cannot help it, when his eyes linger on the intricate colors staining Uta-san's pale skin. He wonders how long would they have taken if they'd been inked on human skin, and then wonders even more, because Uta-san is a ghoul, how much longer did Uta-san have to endure the pain of the needle going through his ghoul skin. He wonders if Uta-san had inked himself, and then wonders how Uta-san would have done such a thing. But every time his gaze lingers on one of the tattoos, Kaneki realizes he's mesmerized. His gaze always manages to fall upon whichever tattoo Uta-san decides to show that day, and by the lack of complaining from the mask maker, Kaneki realizes that Uta-san doesn't mind Kaneki's eyes lingering.
Though when Uta-san's eyes glance at Kaneki, the younger always finds himself blushing lightly, as he tries to escape the piercing of Uta-san's Kagune eyes that always cause Kaneki to shiver, from fear or excitement Kaneki could never tell which. There's something different about the way Uta-san watches Kaneki like he wants to uncover all of his secrets and keep Kaneki to himself. It bothers Kaneki that he wouldn't mind the latter much, but the first does, because out of all the people he's met, and known, his secrets are meant first for Hide, who's always stayed by Kaneki's side, and remained Kaneki's sun.
He thinks if he were to ever get a tattoo, it'd be of a moon and sun, his mother and Hide. The moon to remind him of her kindness as it glowed beautifully, and the sun because Hide was bright as one, and chased away all his shadows of despair. He ignores the need for tattoos to remind him of his dead father, Rize, and the monster he's become.
He lets the last thoughts die away with time, tattoos wouldn't suit him much anyway, not like they did Uta-san.
He was too much of a coward anyway.
The younger ghoul realizes, he's never asked the mask maker about the tattoo adorning his neck. He'd known it was Greek, having had a huge phase in which he'd been obsessed with Greek mythology.
It had been the bane of Hide's first collage semester with Kaneki, because Kaneki wouldn't stop reading about it nor blabbing about it to Hide, who had gotten bored by the third week. Though he'd never told Kaneki to stop talking, despite whining about Greek mythology seeming endless and much like a soap opera with an overdose of incest or that Kaneki had been giving inanimate objects more of his time than his best friend. His interest had stemmed from when one of his professor's mentioned that they'd be delving into 'Oedipus Rex' for that semester, and that if they didn't pay much attention that they'd probably fail the course, because 40% of their final grade was focused on only 'Oedipus Rex'. Due to that obsession Kaneki had been able to read a bit of Greek, he never tried to read the words because if Uta-san wanted to tell him, he would.
And when Uta-san does, it's also the day, when Uta-san tells him "You know Kaneki-kun, you can call me Uta. I'd like to think we are friends, don't you agree?" The freedom to discard the -san prefix means too many things to Kaneki, and it causes a feeling he'd kept locked away, to bubble up like an erupting volcano. It's uncomfortable, realizing that he and Uta-san can now be considered friends, because it opens up the possibility of becoming something more than friends. It's a possibility that terrifies Kaneki, because feelings were dangerous, they made you vulnerable, and weak.
It was also why Hide stopped calling him Ken after his mother died, because her voice uttering "Ken, lunch is ready" or "Ken, you're such a brave boy, do you know that? You're mummy's strong boy." and even "Ken, have a nice day at school today!" echoes like faded silhouettes and makes him feel like he's drowning in something he'll never get back, so he pretends that Ken died with her all those years ago. Kaneki thinks Hideyoshi understands this part of him too well.
But after Yomo-san calls him "Ken", Kaneki begins to realize that maybe him turning into a ghoul is blurring all the lines in between 'Kaneki' and 'Ken'. He doesn't want to think that Yomo-san has realized the difference in both, because sometimes Kaneki cannot even tell where Kaneki started and where Ken ended. But Rize knows, yes, she always knows….and probably always will. After all, she's helped mold this Kaneki, who no longer cries even when his arm is broken in more than 2 places.
"Nec possum tecum vivere, nec sine te."
"I can neither live with you, nor without you".
The words are in Latin, which Kaneki had figured out after Uta-san had pointed at his tattoo. It wasn't odd to finally learn their meaning, but rather a sad reminder of how Kaneki felt about both ghouls and humans in general. It didn't stop the tattoo from becoming more beautiful in Kaneki's eyes, after Uta-san had told him the meaning of those words. Kaneki thinks if Uta-san wouldn't mind, he'd love to ask him someday, what caused him to get a tattoo of those words exactly.
That day as Kaneki leaves Uta-san….no-Uta's shop, -the name without the prefix sounding odd even inside his mind- he knows he's already given Uta something too precious to keep within himself. And when Uta's fingers linger on his hair and the sides of his face, Kaneki knows the older will keep it. He realizes that telling Uta to call him Ken is something he doesn't want to happen, not yet, and thinks that maybe, Uta understands Kaneki there.
This time, he's resolute when murmuring "Goodbye Uta-san ", since he's letting go of a time in their relationship that he won't get back. The tiny curve in Uta's lips warms Kaneki's guarded heart, and he returns it, even if it may look like a grimace now, since Kaneki no longer knows how to be happy anymore, he thinks Uta would get it. When the cold yet hard fingers leave his, he quenches the tiny part of Ken that begs him to hold on and not to let go. After all, had already told him what he wanted to know, he needs his answers before his questions begin to increase instead.
When the ghoul investigator attacks him, Kaneki likes to think that if Uta existed in a world where ghouls were human, that maybe they wouldn't have met, which would have been a terrible shame. He wishes that neither Hide, Hinami, and Touka would be sad at his death, after all, he'd been so selfish in trying to keep them alive so he wouldn't be alone. It's ironic how in his last moments, he can finally be aware that he has become the hypocrite. He wonders if that's what Tsukiyama was as well, a hypocrite who used his excuse of wanting to eat Kaneki for companionship he couldn't find anywhere else. And hopes not, he doesn't think someone as proud as Shuu should be sad that Kaneki will die, not even he feels sad that he's dying. At least…not anymore.
The Rize inside his head doesn't laugh, but she yells at him, and the fear that laces her words makes him smirk. Even in death, Ken strives to live where Kaneki just tries to survive. When her yells become sobs, and she turns into a younger him that still wanted to meet the father who died on him and his mother, Kaneki hurts as well.
He's in so much pain that he's numb to everything but the realization that he failed. He'd failed Hide's last request, he'd failed living, and that he failed himself. Feeling the blood trickle down past his eyes, he wishes that if he were to die in this moment, that he had dared to ask Uta for a tattoo of a purple hyacinth, for everyone he let down, and everyone he'd never see again.
Maybe, this time, he's ready for death, and ignores the memory of Uta smiling as his world begins to disappear, making even his pain seem fleeting. He wants to cry when he realizes that he's gonna miss looking at Uta's tattoos.
Kaneki whispers, softly. "αντίο"
"Goodbye."