As the night grew colder the fallen angel ruffled up his trench coat and made it into a pillow against the bridge walls. Most nights he'd lay on the stone ground and try counting all the stars in the sky, even though he already knew the number it usually helped him drift off to sleep without having to think of anything else, or anyone else. Some nights it rained, but not too hard. Just light enough so that the pitter patter of the rain drops over head could put him to sleep, but other nights it stormed and Cas, he didn't know how to deal with storms. He tried curling up into his coat to hide himself, but that never did any good. He tried covering his ears with his hands, but his arms would get tired from staying in the same position too long, so he'd usually just curl up and think about things to get his mind off the chaos around him.
Dean.
That's the first thing that came to his mind.
The thought of Dean driving down the road in his Impala, singing along to whatever cassette tapes his dad had left him, made Cas' cheeks flush, and he didn't know why, but he liked it. The more he thought about the little things he did —like sleep on his stomach with his arm stretched out, because when they were younger, Dean always had to keep an eye on his little brother, so at night he'd tell him, 'If anything happens, just tug on my arm' and Sam always did— the more Cas felt safe. The little things were what kept Cas going the past few weeks.
Cas thought about everything Dean's ever done, from the way he'd wake up in the morning and rub the sleep from his eyes to the way he fell into bed after a long hunt. Cas knew Dean from head to toe, even if he wasn't around 24/7 he'd always watch over him from a distance. He's seen Dean take his first steps, load his first gun, drive his first and only car. Dean didn't know it, but Cas had always been keeping watch of him.
Thunder roared overhead as Cas came back down from his thoughts. He clutched onto himself and tried thinking about Dean again, but nothing came to mind. Nothing good. All he could think about was all the times he's let Dean down. All those times he wasn't there when he called. All the times he could've helped but didn't because he had bigger orders from the big guy upstairs. All the times he risked his life to save Dean's, but Dean never saw it that way. He never did. All he saw was someone who he thought he could trust betray him.
Cas felt a tight knot in his throat and he tried so hard to swallow it down, but nothing he could do helped. He felt his eyes swell up and his throat get tighter, his body started to tremble and then everything fell apart. His tears flooded into the lapel of his coat and he felt like an absolute mess. "I-I-I'm s-sorry, D-De-Dean," he sobbed, trying to get his words out, but each word got tangled in his throat.
All he wanted in that moment was Dean. Nothing else, just the sight of him in his presence, that's all he wanted. He sighed, knowing this could never possibly work, but he had faith and that's what mattered. Clearing his throat he wiped his eyes and started, "Dean, I uh...you probably aren't getting any of this, but I just wanted to say that I'm so sorry. I know I-I—" the knot was back, "I've done some terrible things in my past, not only towards myself, but to you too and I'm truly sorry for that. I know before…all this, we were just starting to get close again and I wish things could've ended better between us, I-I uh—" his voice broke as he looked around noticing no one around him. No Dean, no Sam, not even a car. The knot tightened and he broke into sobs.
"Dean, knock it off," Sam said slapping down his brother's flashlight. Dean leaned back and forced out a laugh, "Oh, come on Sammy, I'm just tryna lighten the mood," he grinned, "See what I did there?" he raised his brows at his brother, who scoffed at him, "Yeah, okay Dean just, lets keep looking, a'right?" Dean rolled his eyes and lowered his light down, aiming it towards the concrete. He kept walking down the road looking for any possible trace of Cas. Nothing.
They've been searching the city for weeks, looking for him, but all they came across were other fallen angels. Some were so shaken they had to be taken down to a psych ward. Others didn't even know there were human until the pain kicked in. Dean tried his best to help out among the fallen angels as he could, mostly because he wanted to find his angel, but he hasn't had much luck.
The longer they searched for Cas the more Dean thought about him. Him and everything they've been through. From hell, to purgatory, even back there on earth, Dean couldn't help but shake this feeling he had, like things weren't over between them, not really. Dean wanted to see Cas one last time at least, just to apologize for everything he's ever done to him. All the times he's fucked shit up, he hated himself for it, he'd never tell Sam, but ever since the fall he hasn't been able to sleep. Ever since the fall he's been having one reoccurring nightmare that he just can't get rid of.
He'd see Cas falling out of the sky and each time he'd run after him trying to pin point where he'd fall so he would be able to catch him, but each time he'd miss by couple feet and he'd watch as his body hit the earth and fall limb. He'd call out 'Cas' as he ran to his body, but whenever he got there he was always too late. Even though he knew he couldn't do anything to save him, he'd always try and he'd always end up waking up in a cold sweat.
Sam walked down the bridge at the end of the road. Shining his light around he noticed a trail of ruffled feathers spread down a ditch. "Huh," he scoffed and jumped down into it. Following the feathers he came up under the bridge where he saw a pile of clothes on one end and a few tents near the other side. He walked down the side of the tunnel kicking at the piles of clothes laid out.
"Who just leaves a pile of clothes on the groun—"
"Ow!" a voice cried from under the fabrics. Sam stepped back as the voice shuffled under the clothes. "Dude, you okay?" he asked pointing his light down at him.
Dean had noticed his brother walking ahead of him so he'd followed him down the road and into the ditch. As he jumped down he tripped and stumbled down hitting his head on the concrete. Sam dropped his flashlight and ran up to help him, "Dean, Dean, hey are you okay?" he asked helping his brother up. Dean grinned, "Yeah man, I'm totally fine." Sam's face tensed up, "Yeah, well your bleeding, but it doesn't look too bad. Can you stand up on your own? Or are you gonna fall over?" he teased.
Dean mocked his brother and noticed someone standing by his flashlight, "Dude, who's the hobo?" he asked. Sam scoffed, "Uh I don't know. I couldn't get a good look," he said and walked over to his flashlight. Dean followed close behind him. As they walked closer he aimed his light at the man sitting in the pile of clothes and his breath caught. "…Cas" he muttered loud enough so he could hear him. Cas looked up, his eyes red from exhaustion, "Dean?" he questioned, not knowing if he was even awake or asleep.
Dean smiled and pushed past his brother and kneeled down, skidding into Cas. He threw himself around him, holding him close. Cas smiled softly into Dean's shoulder and nuzzled himself into him, letting the warmth of Dean's body seep into him, "Dean, I'm sorry if I ever—" he started, but Dean stopped him, "God, Cas I missed you so much, I'm so sorry," he muttered into him. Cas started to feel Dean's body tremble around him, "Dean, are you okay?" he asked. Dean shook his head, "I thought I lost you for good. I was so scared, Cas," he mumbled pulling away from his body.
Cas didn't want Dean to let go of him, he liked the warmth he brought. He shuffled over and got into his lap carefully, "You're really warm and I'm really cold. I hope it's okay," he muttered. Dean smiled and wrapped his arms around him, pulling him closer into his chest. "Dean, why were you scared?" he asked clutching onto him. Dean bit his lip, "I-I didn't wanna lose you," he stuttered. Cas frowned, "I thought I wasn't going to see you again. I missed you, Dean and I'm really sorry for everything I've done," he said, feeling the knot in his throat come back.
Dean craned his head down so he could see Cas' face, "Hey, don't do that. Don't you dare beat yourself up over any of this," he said softly. Cas sighed into Dean's chest and closed his eyes. Dean swayed back and forth humming one of those songs from one of those cassettes his dad left in the car and Cas smiled. "Are you smiling?" Dean asked, "Oh, you can tell?" he asked, embarrassed. Dean chuckled, "You're adorable," he said, and Cas could feel his voice through his chest, "I like it here with you, Dean. I feel at home," he said. Dean grinned and bent forward tilting his head over, he placed one hand on the back of Cas' neck and leaned into him, softly kissing him.
Cas clutched onto Dean's jacket and smiled into him, pulling away and resting his head on his chest. Dean ran his fingers through Cas' hair playfully as he continued humming. "Hey, Cas?" Dean whispered, "Yes, Dean?" he slurred, as he started drifting off. Dean sighed.
"I love you,"
"I know," Cas breathed, as he fell asleep.