Weaker

It's down to this
I've got to make this life make sense
Can anyone tell what I've done
I miss the life
I miss the colors of the world
Can anyone tell where I am

I'm lying here, wrapped up with the woman I thought I used to love, and she has no clue that I feel this way. Every steady breath that hits my neck makes me cringe and I fight the urge to push her away and head to the nearest bathroom to empty my stomach contents. Every strand of hair that glides across my bare chest serves as a reminder from where I was earlier tonight, the other woman's hair glides across my chest the same way. I had gone over there tonight for the second time this week, just like I have for the last four months. Each time it gets harder to leave but I have to; I have other obligations that must be met. She is probably running right about now. She doesn't know it but some nights after I leave I wait across the street outside her building to catch a glimpse as she begins her sprint down the sidewalk. I know she is running because of me. Trying to outrun the pain that I put her through each time I walk out the door but I can't help it. For the moment it's the way it has to be.

'Cause now again I've found myself
So far down, away from the sun
That shines into the darkest place
I'm so far down, away from the sun again
Away from the sun again

I never knew that joining the anti-crime unit would drive a wedge between our friendship that was almost irreparable or I would have thought twice about it. When I had worked with Reyes everything was good but as soon as laid eyes on Cruz I had a feeling things would change, I just didn't know it was going to be for the worse. The way she took charge of situations and most notably put me in my place a time or two, turned me on and she knew it. She was always sending subtle messages but it wasn't until her sister was killed that it turned into something more. I had went over there to console her on her sister's death, but deep down I knew something was going to happen, so when she threw herself at me in the living room and we broke the mirror, I was in heaven and what I thought was love. She had me wrapped around her finger from that point on and the wedge grew bigger between me and Faith. When Faith was shot by none other than Cruz, I called our relationship off and steered clear but when Faith told me to go away in the hospital room that day, I ran back to Cruz begging for forgiveness. If I was going to lose my best friend, I wasn't going to lose the best sex I had ever had too. Cruz must have sensed the weakness in me the day I was begging for forgiveness and I was too caught up to notice.

I'm over this
I'm tired of living in the dark
Can anyone see me down here
The feeling's gone
There's nothing left to lift me up
Back into the world I know

After my begging for forgiveness ended up in Cruz's bed, she threw a curveball that knocked the wind out of me, "I've got a plan and if you don't cooperate Faith will pay for trying to kill me." Her plan ended up with me at Faith's apartment sitting outside her door waiting for her to get home so I could talk her into being Cruz's gopher for all the dirty work. However, "the talk", ended up in her bed. I wasn't expecting what I felt when we had sex but it was the best I had ever had. I realized that I loved this woman and before I could stop myself I declared it but I received no response. I knew though, that I was the best she had ever had. I could see it in her eyes and hell it probably didn't take much to be better than Fred. I knew I had her so I delivered the line that crushed her, "I'll keep fucking you if you agree to do something for me." I must have been damn good because without hesitating she immediately agreed without even waiting for the something to be explained. That's how she has ended up in the mess she is in and I haven't forgiven myself.

And now again I've found myself
So far down, away from the sun
That shines into the darkest place
I'm so far down, away from the sun
That shines to light the way for me
To find my way back into the arms
That care about the ones like me
I'm so far down, away from the sun again

For the last four months, I have seen Faith do more illegal things than I thought she was ever capable of doing. I know that it is all for me and it disgusts me that I can have that kind of control over somebody. Cruz knows our arrangement and it doesn't bother her. All she said was, "Well, whatever it takes for her to keep her mouth shut, just make sure you take a shower after leaving her before you crawl in my bed." That statement repulsed me but I knew I had to keep up the charade in order to keep Faith safe from Cruz's revenge.

It's down to this
I've got to make this life make sense
And now I can't tell what I've done

And now again I've found myself
So far down, away from the sun
That shines to light the way for me

Faith doesn't know it but I am working with the FBI in an undercover operation to bring Cruz down. After the plan that Cruz orchestrated, I went to the FBI and spilled the beans about every illegal thing she had done while I was working with her in anti-crime. In order for the exchange of information, Faith and I are cleared of any illegal activity that we may be part of while in this operation. Maybe when all this is over I can beg for Faith to forgive me and we can try to build a relationship together but I don't know. I know she has lost respect for me, as well as trust, but I hope both can be regained once the truth is revealed. I am willing to do anything for her in order to be able to have a chance with her. It's killing me to hurt the one person I love more than anything.

'Cause now again I've found myself
So far down, away from the sun
That shines into the darkest place
I'm so far down, away from the sun
That shines to light the way for me
To find my way back into the arms
That care about the ones like me
I'm so far down, away from the sun again

I feel fingertips making lazy circles on my chest and as they make their way farther south, lips attach themselves to my neck and I know she is ready for another round. I hope this will be over soon but until then I have to play the game so I roll her over and take charge.

Oh no...
Yeah...
I'm gone...

Away From the Sun- Three Doors Down