Summary: I glared at the stereo as if it were the cause of all this pain, as if Emmet had installed it to remind me of the past and just what I'd lost. Suddenly I was clawing at it, ripping every cord out of the dashboard until my hands bled.

"New Moon" missing scene: I've always wondered what could have come on the radio to upset Bella so much that she would rip her car stereo out of her dashboard, then refuses to listen to music again.

Thursday morning, but instead of driving to school I'm chugging down the highway to Port Angles at a teeth rattling 55 miles an hour. Christmas was one week away.

I woke up this morning completely unaware that the jolly day of peace and love was fast approaching. I knew I didn't have school, but if Charlie hadn't mentioned buying a tree tonight I would have let the event pass right by without so much as a "happy holidays."

Not wanting to be labeled a Scrooge, Grinch or any other fictional holiday character I was on my way to Port Angeles for the most sacred Christmas tradition of all: shopping.

I let out a groan as I thought about what I was about to do. The loud, pushing crowds scouring every rack of the tiny shopping center passing itself off as a mall. Port Angeles was not exactly the Mecca of consumerism. Alice had been appalled at the selection when she'd taken me to pick out my prom "shoe."

I gasped quickly at the sudden tight feeling in my chest, where my heart used to be. I'd let my mind wander and it had trekked into dangerous territory. I forced my tense shoulders to relax and slumped in my seat again. Better to keep my mind in the present.

Rolling my eyes at my unintended pun I wondered what I should get my mom. She was usually the easiest. Any book about the latest trends in self discovery or inner peace would usually occupy her free time for a month or so. Phil would be excited over a signed baseball card or trivia book. Charlie would be just as easy, some blinking gadget from Brookstone that he could fiddle with while watching a game would have him beaming like a…well, like a kid on Christmas morning.

Having completed my entire shopping list in less than five minutes I struggled to find something benign to fill my head. I began to study every billboard I passed. One outdated sign encouraged people to join a Relay for Life race in October. I wondered how long leases were on billboards, six months? A year? Did the Cancer Society just leave the billboard up year round to advertise their annual event?

The next ad was for a Port Angeles jewelry store promising the lowest prices on diamonds in the city. Diamonds: glittering, sparkling, beautiful. Millions of imbedded diamonds- I cut that thought off quickly only a second before the image popped into my head. I wouldn't think of him – I couldn't think of him. I could feel my insides falling apart with just the flash of a meadow in my head. I needed to zone out again. This is why I didn't think about things anymore. If I thought about anything it would just come back to something I didn't need to be thinking about. If I did that now I would end up stopped alongside the road for hours unable to control myself and stop the heart wrenching sobs.

Desperate for any neutral distraction I reached for the radio reflexively. I guess I had never turned it on and I wasn't really sure how to. I pushed random buttons and turned whatever knob my hand came across, the entire time not taking my eyes of the road. Eventually a soft static filled my speakers and I continued to press buttons randomly, unsure of how to use the advanced piece of technology. Were all these buttons and lights really necessary? Finally I hit something right and Christmas music came out, cheerful and festive.

… offering this simple phrase for kids from 1 to 92,

Although it's been said many times many ways,

Merry Christmas, Merry Christmas to you.

Good. Christmas carols, familiar, comfortable, nonthreatening. The station gave its call signal and I noticed the fancy stereo displayed the letters on its screen. Figures. Leave it to the Cullens to make a mundane car radio into a state of the art – No! I shouted in my head, shaking it in an attempt to dismiss the thought. I focused on the song that had just started. Back to Christmas music, chestnuts and sleigh rides and all that.

I don't want a lot for Christmas; there is just one thing I need.

I don't care about the presents underneath the Christmas three.

I just want you for my own, more than you could ever know.

Make my wish come true; all I want for Christmas is you!

I shrieked in surprise and began pressing buttons quickly, having no idea what anything was. This was the last thing I needed! Did a simple radio really need to be this complicated?

Santa Clause won't make me happy with a toy on Christmas day.

Then, to my horror the song multiplied in volume and was shouting at me.

I just want you for my own, more than you could ever know.

Make my wish come true; all I want for –

Blessedly, I found the right button and the station changed to oldies. An upbeat Motown song trickled out, but the tune was deceptively cheerful as I registered what the words were saying.

Don't throw our love away,

Please don't do me this way.

Not happy like I used to be.

That was an understatement, I thought in passing as I began smashing my entire palm against the radio in a pathetic attempt to find a generic tune.

Loneliness has gotten the best of me baby love,

How I need ya' baby love.

A few seconds of silence passed as the radio scanned for the next signal. The silence was only a temporary relief before a booming voice shook me in my seat.

Love can touch us one time

And last for a lifetime

And never let go till we're gone

"Oh come on!" I shouted in exasperation noticing the familiar tune instantly. Titanic? Really? My hand did not even leave the radio as I continued to pound the radio display with my entire fist.

Love was when I loved you-

This had obviously not been a good idea. Apparently it was too much to ask that I be able to mindlessly zone out to some heavy rock that I didn't understand a single word of. The station changed again and in the temporary silence I held my breath. My heart tightened in anticipation of another painful stab.

And in this world of loneliness I see your face.

The moment I heard the line my mind unintentionally flashed to his face. I felt the hole in me tear wide open with a searing pain, like stitches being ripped apart by fire and then doused in acid. The vision of his beautiful, perfect, angelic face was more than I could stand.

Yet everyone around me thinks that I'm goin' crazy.

Maybe, maybe

Maybe I was going crazy because the song was speaking right to me. Music always had a sick way of doing that.

But I don't care what they say, I'm in love with you.

They try to pull me away, but they don't know the truth;

My heart is crippled by the thing I keep on closin' in.

You cut me open and I keep bleeding.

At this point I was hanging from the steering wheel with one hand, leaning over to look at the radio almost face to face. I didn't even care about the road. If I hit something it wouldn't be any more painful than how I was already feeling. In fact, maybe the physical pain wouldn't be such a bad distraction. I gave up trying to find neutral, mindless music and desperately hoped the damn thing would just turn off! No luck, the station changed again.

The day I knew you would leave

I can barely breath,

Suddenly, a blaring screech threw my heart into my throat and I bolted upright.

Can you hear me scream?

I had wondered into the other lane, oncoming traffic swerved to avoid me and I jerked the wheel to the right just in time to avoid the way of the oncoming semi and my truck flew off the road.

Thrown in all directions,

I slammed on the breaks, but the gravel under my tires and the wet grass along the side of the road made it difficult to stop.

You epitome of perfection,

She's lost her will.

When the truck had come to a stop I leaned my head against the wheel. It still hurt. I could have been killed, smashed like a pancake by a 40 ton semi, but it wouldn't have hurt as much as…

Time is standing still.

I deftly reached out my hand, pressing buttons without opening my eyes or raising my forehead off the wheel.

Not tormented daily, defeated by you

Just when I thought, I reached the bottom

I'm dying again, I'm going under

Drowning in you, I'm falling forever

Suddenly the pain crippled me and I collapsed in on myself. James's venom was no comparison, my countless concussions and broken bones were loving caresses compared to the searing pain that strangled my heart and robbed me of my breath. My hand dangled in front of the display weakly, my arm having lost all the energy to do anything but press buttons, mindlessly. I sat in silence for one blessed moment before a country song came on…

Now in my mind I'll keep you frozen as a 17 year old.

I went mad, that was the only explanation. I lunged at the stereo as if it were the cause of all this pain, as if Emmet had installed it to remind me of the past and just what I'd lost. Suddenly I was clawing at it, trying to tear the plastic display out of my dashboard. My nails went white as they pulled at the edge of the system and I didn't notice when they bent back as I pulled with every bit of my strength. I screamed in frustration - almost a vampire growl – and began beating the front of the radio with my fist, punching it, completely oblivious to the cuts that resulted on my knuckles. I grasped the tiny protruding knobs that had so obstructed me and thrilled when I was able to rip several of them off the radio.

I switched my tactic and tried to fit my hand right in the CD player and rip the system out from the inside. I pulled with every bit of my energy until faceplate came flying off, sending me reeling back in my seat. The front of the radio was attached to a tangle of colorful cords and I braced my foot against the dashboard and gave one last pull, tearing them out of the truck.

My gasping breath was the only sound in the silent cab as tears streamed down my face and my chest rose and fell rapidly. I don't know how long I sat there. It could have been seconds it could have been a few hours, but the first thing I felt was the warm, salty tears dripping down to my mouth, my entire face soaking wet. Eventually other feelings began to register in my mind. My fingers ached as if they were broken and my palms were wet and sticky from blood. I didn't even have the energy to become nauseous; I just stared at the gaping hole unmoving, unblinking, the tangle of cords and the radio still grasped in my shaking hands. I realized too late what I'd done.

I had created another gaping hole in my life.

Songs in order of appearance:

Mariah Carey "All I Want for Christmas is You"

Supremes "Baby Love"

Celine Dion "My Heart Will Go On"

Leona Lewis "Bleeding Love"

All American Rejects "Time Stands Still"

Evanescence "Going Under"

Rascal Flats "Why"