Summary: This is a sequel to Hobbes' New Hope, a V/Star Wars parody in which Hobbes told everyone about a Star Wars dream he had, and the parts they all played in it. This one will be a parody of scenes from The Empire Strikes Back starring the characters of V - or, a parody of the characters of V starring scenes from The Empire Strikes Back. Hey! If you've read Shadows of the Empire you might even get all the references! Yeah, I went full nerd-tard on this one.
Pairings: Erica/Lisa, Erica/Hobbes
Rated T for innuendo.
The Visitors Strike Back
"That was only the first part of the dream, you know." Hobbes said. He was slouching in his seat at the train station, looking at Erica with that ever present smirk. Erica would have bet money that he smirked even in his sleep. Against her better judgement, Erica turned to look at him, acknowledging his statement with the raise of an eyebrow.
"I went through the whole trilogy in one night." he went on. "It was quite an epic tale."
"Are you trying to make this wait feel longer?" Erica asked him.
"Erica." Hobbes said quietly, almost mischievous in his tone. "I didn't want to say it in front of Jackie-Wan and Chew-Ryan-"
Erica interrupted him with a genuine laugh. The names got her every time. Jack and Ryan were at the ticket counter, flying casual as they tried to get passage out of the city for the four of them.
"Sure you didn't." she said.
"The rest of the dream gets pretty steamy." Hobbes continued. "I'll tell you, though." he said, as if it were a privilege. "If you want."
"Is there really any way for me to stop you?" Erica asked him, fixing her eyes on the giant train schedule on the wall. If she saw that smirk again she might have to slap it off his face. With a kiss.
Hobbes' smirk turned into a smile. She knew him too well.
"Woo!" Erica Solo sighed, standing in the doorway of the Millenium Falcon's cockpit in a fluffy white robe and fuzzy pink slippers, a steaming mug of coffee in her right hand. "That was some hot lesbian sex."
Chew-Ryan turned in the co-pilot's seat to look at her, his eyebrow raised. "Glad to hear it." he said wryly.
It was the morning after their triumph on the Death Star, though it was hard to tell it was morning without being planetside, with a sun to rise and announce it. They were hovering in space a few light years away from anything important, 'regrouping' after going back to blow the mothership and its planet-destroying death ray out of orbit around Earth. For Ryan and Tyler, regrouping meant spending all night fixing all the damage Erica's ship had sustained. For Erica and Lisa, it meant spending as much time as possible in Erica's bed.
Seeing Tyler in his usual seat behind Ryan, Erica shuffled over and ruffled his hair. "Hey buddy, how'd you sleep?" she said mom-ishly, taking another sip of her coffee.
"I hate you, Mom." said Tyler, fidgeting as he glowered. The walls in the Millenium Falcon were thin, and Lisa was a screamer. Erica chuckled, quite used to Tyler's little mood swings, but she made a displeased face when she saw the mop on his head.
"Remind me to schedule you a hair cut." she said, before taking a seat in the pilot's chair. She set her mug down on the controls and slouched, waiting for Ryan to give her some sort of report. He was working quietly at his own console, and when he didn't speak up, Erica decided to take action.
"Set a course for...Bespin." she said, as if she were picking a system at random.
Ryan turned slowly to the boss lady, his eyes narrowing. "Why?" he asked her, in a tone that implied he suspected her of something.
"Cloud City?" Erica said innocently. "Come on, you know Lando Calrissian, don't you?"
"Why would you assume that I know Lando, Erica?"
"I..." Erica choked on the explanation.
"It's because I'm black, isn't it?"
"Well...no," Erica said defensively. "I mean, you're not even really black. You're green, aren't you?"
"I don't know you anymore." Ryan muttered, turning back to the controls.
"Just take us to Cloud City, alright?" said Erica. She stood up, rolling her shoulders as if they were suddenly too tight. "You've got me all tense now." she said, disappointed. Suddenly, she perked up. "I'm going back to bed."
"So Jack was a pedophile, and I'm an ignorant racist. Nice, Kyle. Very nice."
Hobbes laughed at the severity of her statement, well aware that she was joking. "Actually I'd describe you as more of a lesbian nymphomaniac. But remember: it was just a dream, love." he said. "Just a dream..."
Once they'd landed at Cloud City, before stepping off the ship, Ryan prepped the kids on what to say and how to act.
"Lando's cool." Ryan told them. "Like, super fly cool. So, Tyler, you should really just let your mother and I do all the talking. I mean, you could even stay on the ship...?" he added hopefully.
"I'm going with you!" Tyler insisted in a huffy display of childishness. Ryan frowned at him, and turned to Erica.
"Erica, you know how Lando is." Ryan said, gesturing toward Lisa. "He's gonna try to mack all up on this hot piece of alien ass, so try not to take it to heart and kung fu him into a bloody pulp, alright?"
Erica scoffed. "Please!" she said, as if it would be beneath her. Ryan was just sayin'. She'd only done that to the last four storm troopers that glanced Lisa's way during the escape. To stop this ridiculous conversation, Erica punched the button that lowered the Falcon's ramp, and they made their way down to the landing dock.
"I thought you said he was black?" Tyler whispered, as a group of men came out to meet them.
"Tyler!" Erica hissed. "That is so rude." she said, even though she'd been thinking the exact same thing. She leaned toward Ryan, her eyes narrowing in this stranger's direction. "Did something happen to him that I don't know about?" she asked, images of Michael Jackson's later days flashing through her mind.
"That's...not Lando." Ryan told her, disgusted by her ignorant racism. "That's Lando's step-brother, Georgie. Georgie Calrissian."
Erica did not look pleased to hear that name. "Kyle. That is in extremely bad taste. This is a new low, even for you."
"I only dreamt about him because I truly care." Hobbes told her in a patronizing tone.
"Chew-Ryan..." Georgie said, barely able to contain his constant anxiety and seething anger. "You've got a lotta nerve coming here, after what you pulled..."
"Georgie, I swearI texted you before I went to Quiznos. I swear."
"Nyaah..." Georgie waved his hands, an odd smile interrupting his default fury for the briefest of moments. "Come here, ya fake human."
Erica and Lisa exchanged looks as Georgie enveloped Ryan in an awkward hug.
"Mooom," Tyler whined. "Can we hurry this up? I gotta go to the bathroom."
"Tyler!" Erica scolded him in a whisper. She had to concentrate, because Georgie had just caught sight of her girlfriend and Erica didn't like the look he was giving her one bit.
"Well well, what have we here?" Georgie said awkwardly. He was already sweating profusely, and the nervous chuckle that followed his question only heightened Lisa's discomfort. He took her hand and lifted it toward his lips, as if he wanted to give her a kiss hello, but Erica pulled Lisa's hand away before he could connect.
"Hands off." Erica said.
"Y-yes, of course" Georgie stammered. "Sorry."
The Falcon's crew were escorted to their quarters, where Erica and Lisa had some time before dinner to discuss the hot lesbian sex they were going to-
"Kyle." Erica said dryly, interrupting yet another crucial moment.
Kyle stared at her, pretending to be puzzled by any possible objection. "...Erica?"
"...Seriously?"
"Erica..."
"Alright, just skip to the next part..."
It turned out, as it usually did in this galaxy, that it was all just a trap! When they arrived at the dining room for what they thought was going to be a pleasant, relaxing dinner with Georgie - as pleasant and relaxing as a dinner could be when you had someone giving that constant look of suspicion and disdain - what they found instead was Darth Anna, back in her catsuit and smirking knowingly.
"Mother!" Princess Lisa gasped. Erica Solo was fast - she pulled out her blaster and fired three quick shots - but she wasn't fast enough. One of Anna's minions jumped in front of his revered leader and caught all three fatal blasts of energy, while storm troopers grabbed Georgie's guests. They were now captives on Cloud City.
"Georgie, how could you!" Chew-Ryan demanded. "You're the most anti-Visitor guy I know! And you don't even like Quiznos, you said their bread is nasty!"
"I'm sorry, Ryan! She offered me protection, and a free advertising spot during Chad Dekker's variety news hour. The whole galaxy watches that crap, how could I resist?"
"Ha, ha ha, he said 'resist'." Tyler chuckled, before he remembered he was supposed to be whining. "Dude, this sucks!" he whined at Georgie, who began to fidget nervously.
"You're not going to hurt them, right?" Georgie asked Anna. "That was the deal."
"You should have asked what a Visitor's definition of pain is before you agreed to that deal, Georgie." Anna said smirkaliciously. "The only pain we feel is having to deal with a pathetic sub-species like yours." Anna then turned to her minions and got serious for a minute. "Take the boy to the carbon freezing chamber, and escort my daughter and the traitor to my personal transport."
"What about this one?" one of the storm troopers asked. Erica struggled in his grip, knowing she could take at least ten of them down herself. Too bad there were eleven.
Anna narrowed her eyes at Erica, her nemesis. "Take her to my quarters. Better yet, the honeymoon suite. I'll have my way with her there. Then we'll freeze the boy in carbonite, and then we'll all go home."
"I thought Solo was the one that got frozen in carbonite?" said Erica, glad there was some point to nitpick that would steer the conversation away from Kyle's constant girl-on-girl fantasizing, though she was starting to get used to it.
"You really think I'm going to leave the fate of Erica Solo in Skywhiner's hands? Besides..." Hobbes let his eyes wander for a moment, undressing Erica with his eyes. "A body like that should never be encased in anything but silk sheets or a hot, soapy shower."
Erica turned to him, attempting a cold stare. "You think you're really charming, don't you?"
"Aren't I?" Hobbes said with a smirk, looking directly into her eyes and trying to make her blush. It almost worked, but Erica turned away just in time, and she went back to pretending to read the train schedule. Hobbes watched her for a while after that, but she ignored him.
"She didn't bite your head off afterward." Hobbes explained. "If that's what's got you down."
Erica fought her smile, and shook her head as she chuckled.
They were all taken to the carbon freezing chamber, to witness Tyler's encasement.
"Lisa - wait for me!" Tyler shouted as the lift was lowered into the freezing chamber. Lisa grimaced, taking a breath through clenched teeth and shaking her head apologetically.
"Don't worry, kid. We'll find you." said Ryan. The machine swooshed, blowing Tyler's hair around and making him wince at the very slight discomfort. "Eventually." Ryan added, muttering so the boy couldn't hear that last part.
"You've separated me from my son again?" Erica asked Hobbes in realtime. "Are you jealous of him or something?"
"Jealous of- !" he started to reply indignantly, then realized that Erica had only been trying to get a rise out of him, the same way he'd been trying to do to her for the past few hours.
"Two can play at this game." Erica reminded him, smirking triumphantly.
"So I see..." Hobbes said, smiling at Erica like she'd really surprised him. "Care to venture a guess as to what happens next?"
"Hmm." Erica narrowed her eyes and thought about it. "Well, after Han Solo got frozen in carbonite, the rest of them ended up at Jabba's palace, trying to save him. However, since Luke -"
Erica stopped, and corrected herself in a begrudging manner.
"Excuse me, since Ty Skywhiner got frozen in this version...that probably means Erica Solo and Princess Lisa are going to go off and have hot lesbian sex together?"
Erica turned to Hobbes, expecting an affirmative answer. Instead, he was faking a bit of disappointment.
"You were so close." he said with a sigh.
"I don't believe it. We actually go to Tatooine without screwing first?"
"I didn't say that..."
Ky-zor, the green prince of-
"Wait wait wait wait wait...who's Prince Xizor?"
Hobbes actually seemed uncomfortable after Erica's question. She was obviously a Star Wars fan, if she knew that Xizor wasn't in the movies, but not a big enough nerd to know he was from the books...
"Well," he said, trying to act nonchalant. "There's a lot of drama that happens between those last two movies, dear."
It was too late. The power had shifted. Now Erica could look right at Hobbes, without fear of blushing. She was grinning, and Hobbes smiled back at her. He tried to hide it, but Erica could tell he thought he'd revealed too much.
"You've read Shadows of the Empire." she declared, like she'd found out his biggest secret yet.
Kyle's smirk returned. "You know of it, then." he said, prepared to tease her back if she tried to give him shit for it.
Erica smirked bigger. "Tyler read it when he was ten. He couldn't stop talking about it. And he wasn't whining then either."
Prince Ky-zor, the green prince - green because he was sooo jealous of that whiny little brat -
"Kyle!"
"I had to." he said. "Sarcasm is all I have to defend myself, sweetheart." he added, as if she had all the power. He had to soften her up now, so she'd stick around for the rest of the story. The sudden rise in the use of terms of endearment had not gone by unnoticed, and she wondered what he was up to. What did Prince Xizor do in that book, other than creep little Ty-Ty out? Hadn't there been a section of the book that Tyler had been too embarrassed to talk about with his mother...?
"Where is Ty Skywhiner?" Princess Lisa demanded over a candle-lit dinner for two.
"Why do you care so much?" Prince Ky-zor asked her in return. "You can't possibly be interested in a boy like that, when there are so many men in the galaxy."
"First of all," Lisa answered haughtily. "I'm not interested in men or boys, so you can stop yourself right there. I'm only interested in reuniting Ty Skywhiner with his mother, who happens to be my girlfriend, thank you very much."
"Oh, I'm well aware of your 'preferences', Princess..."
In another room, Chew-Ryan was getting restless. "Something doesn't feel right..." he muttered to himself.
"I've never understood how the males of any species can sit on their wallets." said Erica.
"No, I meant, Kyle inviting Lisa to dinner."
"She has been gone a long time, hasn't she..."
"I think I should leave now." Lisa said nervously. Kyle had a predatory look in his eye, and she was beginning to feel weak. It was like Anna's bliss, only it didn't feel comforting. It felt...dangerous. She stood, taking a step away from the dinner table before she felt Kyle's hand on her wrist.
"I disagree." said Kyle. He stood, towering over her as he moved closer. "I think you should stay." She was overcome by a familiar feeling, a feeling she usually only felt when Erica was near. What magical power did Kyle have to make her feel this way?
"Pheremones!" Erica squeaked. "He's got pheremones? Why didn't you tell me about this!"
"I'm telling you now!" Ryan insisted defensively.
"Where...where is Tyler?" Lisa asked, breathless. She cast her eyes downward, afraid to meet his penetrating gaze. "You said you could help us find him."
Kyle placed a finger under her chin, pulling her face up so she would look at him. "You don't really want to find Tyler." he said. "Not right now."
Lisa opened her mouth to respond but no words came out. She was startled by a loud knock on the door of Kyle's suite.
"Lisa? Lisa, you in there?" Ryan shouted.
"Step aside." said Erica, in no mood for being polite. Her blonde hair swayed as she picked up one of her feet, and it flew for a moment as she kicked the door down using only half her might. The door came off its hinges and slammed to the floor. Princess Lisa gasped, and Kyle's grip on her wrist tightened as they both turned to see who it was. His eyebrows rose as the power of his pheremones faded.
"Can I help you?" Kyle asked his new visitor-with-a-lower-case-v.
"You can start," said Erica. "By taking your hands off of my princess."
"And why would I do that?"
"Because no one sexes my girlfriend...without my presence and participation."
Kyle grinned. "I thought you'd never ask."
"I didn't." Erica shot back. "But, now that you mention it..."
Lisa took Erica's distracting entrance as an opportunity to free herself from Ky-zor's grasp and run to Erica Solo. Erica caught her in a protective embrace, even as she sized Kyle up, eyeing him from top to bottom and back up again.
"I'm frightened, Erica." said Lisa. "He's just so...manly."
"I noticed." Erica said, smirking.
"Well then," said Kyle, clapping his hands together. "Why don't we all take off our clothes and get started?"
In the waiting area of the train station, Erica looked at Kyle. He'd been leaning closer and closer, and she'd stopped leaning away in response.
"...You're such a dork." she told him, her voice softer than she liked.
"Takes one to know one." Kyle said, his eyes still burning and his voice low.
"I thought you said you weren't in the dream?"
Kyle smiled. "I lied. I was trying to protect you."
"You mean you were trying to seduce me."
"Was it working?"
He was so close, so achingly close. He could feel her about to give in to him, but just as her lips parted to give her answer, Jack and Ryan returned from the ticket counter. Just in time for the cock block. Just like C-3PO in The Empire Strikes Back. With a sudden intake of breath, Erica turned from Kyle to face their traveling companions, all traces of their flirting erased from her facial expression as she regarded Jack expectantly.
"We're all on the same train." Jack said happily. "I guess we got lucky!"
"Not yet, Jackie-Wan." Kyle sighed to himself. "Not yet."
A/N: And so ends another thrilling chapter of V Wars. I don't know when, hopefully soon...but ideas for Return Of The Whiner lie somewhere in the future...