It all started at dinner on Thursday night. It had been a week full of pasta for dinner; despite Ms. Marin's cooking skills I just couldn't take another bite. Spaghetti on Sunday, shrimp scampi on Monday, mac'n cheese on Tuesday and lasagna on Wednesday. When I saw Ms. Marin pull out another pasta box and start rambling on about baked ziti; my stomach started doing the backstroke. It felt like I was developing another ulcer. Hanna was having fun testing how long I'd be willing to bite my tongue all in the name of being a good house guest.
"Oh mom, Em loves baked ziti!"
"Really?" Ms. Marin questioned while flipping her hair behind her shoulder and away from her face.
"yeah, it's her absolute fave. She has it for lunch at school all the time." Hanna continued with mock seriousness.
"You know Emily, it might be good to get some variety in your diet. I know you athletes love to carb load, but I think I'm going to steam some broccoli for your side dish."
Hanna tried half heartedly to hold in her laughter before cracking up hysterically.
"Um, Ms. Marin" I finally cracked "You've been so great, really. But, Hanna tells me you usually just order in. Is it cool if we just get a pizza?"
I could have been mistaken, but there seemed to be a visible look of relief on her face.
"No problem, I'll just uh try and put this pasta back in the box."
I sat and watched for about five minutes as Ms. Marin silently contemplated the best method for putting uncooked pasta back in the box. She actually tried shoveling it in with a spoon. Hanna might have caught on because she grabbed my arm and dragged me away toward the stairs to her room.
"Wow, Em's putting on her big girl panties, " Hanna declared clapping sarcastically. "I thought you'd actually go a full week before cracking."
We plopped down on the bed together and joked about how long it would take before her mom ran out of pasta ideas.
"Oh, don't worry about my mom. She was all paranoid about you being used to home cooked meals. She actually hates cooking"
"Girls, pizza's here." We heard Ms. Marin call from down stairs.
In the mist of all the laughter, I guess I didn't hear my text alert because before I could stop her Hanna had grabbed my phone of the bed and was running through my text messages.
"Hey Em" Hanna read aloud, "glad you're over mamma Marin's spaghetti, time to compliment her buns or pay the price. Love me bitch, A."
There was an awkward silence before we both exhaled a mutual What the FUCK!
"What does this mean?" I ask the question before I can take it back.
"I think it means I'm going to need Pepto after tonight cause that shit isn't going down."
Surprising would aptly describe Hanna's level of excitement. By now we were standing at the top of the stairs with Hanna using a loud whisper to further communicate her level of distain and disapproval. I could tell she was getting worked up by the speed of her blinking.
"Relax, it's not like I'm actually going to do it" I assured her.
"Well then what are you going to do?" Hanna shot back. It was an excellent question, and one I thankfully did not have to answer because Ms. Marin interrupted us.
The next day at school Aria demanded a lunch time pow-wow to help her process more of her drama with Ezra. I tried to pay attention but was distracted by Spencer's latest ensemble . I couldn't make out what it was supposed to be, but it looked like what would happen if a truck full of Tilda Swinton crashed into the US women's gymnastics team circa 1996. Spencer had grown tired of watching me stare at my food too petrified to even touch it. She managed to convince me that since she was no longer A's play thing it would be cool for us to eat off the same plate.
"guys, I'm serious. I think Jackie knows about us. What am I supposed to do?" Aria whined.
Hanna was busy looking into her mirror and applying her makeup which was really a ruse to try and catch a glimpse of Jenna and make sure she wasn't sending out sonar signals and assembling her army of gremlins against us. Without even looking up or acknowledging Aria's presence she honed in.
"Have you all learned nothing from A. Just find some dirt on Jackie and use it to make sure she keeps her mouth shut. And just be happy A isn't having you hit on one of our moms."
At that, it seemed as if the entire room went silent and it was just the four of us sitting in isolation. Their eyes first searching the table, then Hanna to see if this was her half assed attempt at a joke. After realizing she was telling the truth they looked to me. Jesus I wish I had a better poker face, it sucks when everyone knows your business without you even saying anything.
Spencer was the first wise-ass to give her input.
"It's not the worst thing A's ever tried to make us do." She paused as if reminiscing over fond memories. "Besides, Hanna's mom is hot."
"I'm not doing it." I insist while letting Spencer feed me a French fry.
"Emily, dear, sweet, naïve Emily. What's the worst that could happen? You're in the driver's seat. She's an adult and will probably be too worried about embarrassing Hanna to ever take you seriously." Spencer continued.
Hanna was finally motivated to look away from her mirror "I can't believe we are talking about this as if it might happen. What's the worst A could do, tell Em's parents about Danby?"
Like some sort of omnificent troll A decided to chime in via text message to Aria's phone.
Either Emily gets at Hanna's mommy or I start talking to yours. I hear prison's a bitch; tell Fitz to get in line!
— A—
Maybe it's the fact that Aria looks like Sailor Moon about to cry when she's sad, but Hanna did seem to loosen up after that.
"It doesn't have to be anything serious, and it's not like she'll reciprocate." Hanna conceded "Just don't do it in front of me"
With Hanna's approval Spencer seemed to turn into an excited hamster spinning wheels in her head.
"We'll play it like in Dutchman. Em you'll be Lula."
She must have noticed my what the fuck expression because she tried to help me piece it together dropping her voice an octave in actual disbelief. How could I not have a clue about some ancient indie film she'd dug out from obscurity and declared a classic?
"Shirley Knight? Al Freeman Jr? Seriously?"
"Sorry Spence, movie theaters are rarely places where I go to watch movies."
"Okay, listen all you have to do is hint at things without actually saying anything. She'll spend the whole time freaking out wondering what you meant but to afraid to admit she's not sure. Then if she tries to call you on it you can say it never happened, that she just assumed that it was happening."
Spencer seemed perfectly satisfied with her adapted plot, but Hanna and I were not at all cool with it.
"Spencer you're forgetting something. I actually like Ms. Marin. I mean, you know she's relatable and nice and she took me in. I'm not going to screw with her head for shits and giggles."
The lunch bell rang and we all got up to leave for class Aria still moping about like a lost puppy and Hanna looking ready to snap at the first person to eye her the wrong way.
"Fine, but only one time and afterward we never speak of this again."
That seemed to be something everyone could agree on and feel somewhat comfortable with. I was starting to get that uneasy feeling again in my stomach. I should have taken that as a sign that this was a horrible idea, but I guess I'm the queen of ignoring what's right in front of me.
By the time we got back for the day Hanna had developed a full on script of what I should say to her mother complete with the instruction to "admire her ample bosom". She was still huffing and puffing about in a paranoid frenzy. I had to give it to Hanna, the girl loves her mother and was still trying to make this work for Aria.
"Hey Em, I want you to know this is as much about you as anything else. I'd hate if my mom suddenly felt uncomfortable around you." She confessed, to my surprise.
"So, you're not going to hate me, if this all blows up in my face?"
"You mean WHEN this all blows up, and nope. This is our new normal."
Just then Ms. Marin came in carrying a stack of boxes stacked up past her head. She plopped them onto the ground and called out to us for assistance. Hanna nudged me to seize the opportunity and make a move. I'm not sure what happened next is what she had in mind though. Walking over, I strategically positioned myself between the boxes and Hanna's mom. Then I slowly bend down and pause.
"So Ashley, you wanted these in the hall closet right?" I ask before slowly leaning back upright.
I hadn't noticed she was on the phone and clearly not paying attention.
"Oh, sure that's fine." She waved us off before walking away to her bedroom.
Hanna took the opportunity to criticize my performance in only the way Hanna Marin could.
"Seriously, what the hell was that? I've seen sexier moves from my nanna."
"I bent over in front of your mom and showed her all my assets, laugh all you want but that's my go-to move." I retort. "Besides I thought you didn't want this to happen in the first place."
Hanna's face contorted as if she was having difficulty piecing together her thoughts, she put her hands up to cup her chin, then leaned back against the wall.
"Look, if it has to happen you should at least do it right that way we get A off Aria's back for a while and you don't ever have to do that constipated looking squat maneuver again."
Hanna had excused herself from dinner that night saying that she was going to meet Caleb at the café instead. The truth was that she insisted I be more aggressive, but didn't have the stomach to sit around and watch. Her mother had ordered grilled salmon from some fancy French restaurant and there was no telling where that could lead.
"So" Ms. Marin asked as we both sat at the kitchen counter "are we the only two women in Rosewood who can't find dates on a Friday night?"
She'd changed into one of her LBDs and it was fitted perfectly and highlighting all the best parts of her figure. The one thing I admired about Hanna's mom is that she had a penchant for dressing up to anything and everything.
"You could get a date, but he probably wouldn't notice your new dress or how great it looks on you." I was just testing the waters with that one. She seemed to smile at the compliment before going back to her food. I couldn't focus on eating I was too busy giving myself a mental pep talk.
"How's the fruit salad, is that okay as a side dish?" She asked genuinely concerned about my lack of interest in the food.
"Yeah, it's great. Um the melons especially are good." I made sure to make eye contact and forge some attempt at a slightly alluring voice. "They're nice and tender, juicy. Very delicious!" I was looking right at her the whole time. Then as I finished I picked a piece of melon with my fork and gently sucked on it before placing the whole thing in my mouth. I don't think she blinked once. Afterward I breathed a sigh of relief, it was over. I did it, and Hanna would have approved. Ms. Marin did seem thoroughly confused for much of the rest of dinner, but I figured it would tapper off by the morning and I could just explain it away as an overzealous love of fresh fruit if I needed to.
What I didn't count on is what I'm pretty sure happened next, I say pretty sure because I'm still trying to convince myself I imagined it. I got up to clear the table& as I looked over at her she was completely undressing me with her eyes. I have never felt so unwillingly stripped down in my life Then, in the sexiest bedroom voice I've ever heard she said.
"I was thinking tacos tomorrow. You like to eat tacos, right Emily?" Before I could say anything, she got up and went to her bedroom.
Hanna came in later that night and we stayed up to talk about how it all went. I told her how painfully uncomfortable I was and how I hoped it didn't show. Then I explained about the melon and she laughed like a hyena. But when she asked me about her mom's reaction I couldn't bring myself to go back there, all I managed to do was stare at her then shyly mutter out "Exactly how straight is your mom?"