I feel bad not updating my other stories like I promised, but I suddenly got this idea and I couldn't resist typing it up! I just had to write a Kel story since she is my favorite character in all of the Tortall books. Anyways, this is mostly about Kel and Dom and how they each secretly feel about each other.
Disclaimer: I'm not Tamora Pierce! If I was, then why would I be making a fanfiction about my own books? Common sense, people! Either you have it or you don't!
By the way, this isn't beta'd so I apologize if there are any errors. My spell check has been tweaked by my meddling little sister. Nonetheless, enjoy!
Kel sighed, wearied by the long battle she had encountered. Darn those ogres! Don't they know how to just give up and die already? Apparently not, judging by the considerate amount of blood Kel found on her armor. Most of the men she had fought with had already changed into fresh attire, but not Kel. She stood on the very edge of a tall cliff, her helmet tucked under her arm. Even though she had long gotten over her fear of heights, they still unnerved her quite a bit. However, none of this showed on her face. Kel's Yamani mask of indifference was on, though she had not realized so. These faces came almost automatically to the twenty-year-old, especially during battle. Although her legs were aching to be rest after fighting for hours, Kel kept herself upright, gazing at the remarkable sunset while her thoughts swam like wriggling fish in her head. The stench of blood from both humans and ogres hung in the air, but Kel barely noticed that. Even the huge bruise on her back she had gotten from an ogre pounding wasn't in her trail of thoughts. Instead, she was pondering about something more important; she was thinking about her life.
Recently, she had gotten a letter from her friend, Yuki, who was the spouse of her other friend, Neal. What she read in the letter made her feel both happy and sad at the same time. Yuki was having a baby with Neal. Kel was supposed to feel happy, and she tried to convince herself that she did, but there was a hollow longing within, a longing she had never felt before and couldn't identify. Instead, she pushed that feeling from her mind and began to write a reply letter to Yuki, filling it with mindless gush of happiness that did not at all relate to what Kel really felt. The Lady Knight would have given anything to be in Yuki's shoes. How would it feel like, for once, to live in a house with a loving husband and children to take care of? How would it feel like to not be ridiculed by all the court ladies behind her back, and in some cases, in front of her? And most of all, how would it feel like to have a real life? Kel had had a crush on Neal in her earlier years. She wondered what would have happened if she told him how she felt then. Would she be in Yuki's place today? Would she now be a mother and a wife? Thoughts like those made Kel feel vacant inside. It made her toes curl up inside her boots and her eyes tear up just the slightest. But, that wasn't the worst thing that had happened.
Just yesterday, she was at the Golden Ridge fief, resting with her men and also Sergeant Dom's men in a tavern for the night when a young noble woman walked in. She looked strangely familiar as she approached Kel warily, a baby on her narrow hip. She looked only to be in her late teens. "Kel?" She had said, recognizing the knight.
"Cousin Tella?" Kel had asked, her eyes wide. It had turned out that it was her young cousin. Kartella had been married to the Lord of Golden Ridge for many years, and the baby she had on her hip was her youngest. She had two others; one four and one two.
After that meeting with her young cousin yesterday, Kel had a feeling of non achievement, as though she had something more to do, something that was quite important, which was having a family. For the first time in her life, Kel was beginning to almost regret becoming a knight. Seeing Tella had put a shock throughout her body, snapping out of her fantasy of being a valiant knight with fame and glory. None of those things mattered if you didn't have anyone to share them with. None of the nobles congratulated her on the killing of the mage, which won them the war against Scanra. And no one was going to thank her even if she went and saved all of Tortall from destruction. Kel was weird in all other nobles' eyes. She was abnormal, a freak. She was someone who stepped out of line to be like a man while she shouldn't. Kel never really knew why Alanna would marry someone like George, but now she did. George was one of the few men in the world who supported women having the same rights.
Kel sighed, finally sitting down and dangling her feet off the edge of the cliff. If only she had someone like George. Where was her George? That was wishful thinking. There was no George left for her. But then where was her knight in shining armor? Kel looked down and grinned in spite of herself. Her armor was rather dull after that battle, but close enough, right? If she was the knight in shining armor, then where was the fair maiden (or in this case, fair lad) she were to save? Would any man even want to be saved by a woman? Of course not! If she wanted a man, then Kel would have to retire her glaive for a sewing needle; her armor for silks; her boots for slippers; her muscle for skin and bones; and her spirit for obedience. Was it worth it to just have a man? That was still wishful thinking. Even if she could look like a lady, what man would want her for her background? The ex-knight mentally disturbed and uglier than any other court woman was not a title any man would want for his spouse. Maybe, if Kel's family was wealthy enough, then men would come regardless of her history, but the thing is that her fief was short of money. Unless she was to disgrace her family by marrying a commoner, there was no man for Kel. She doubted if a commoner would even want her; he'd be too intimidated by her skills.
It was time to face the hard truth: Kel was going to be alone forever. She could just picture it; fifty years from now, she'd still be solitary, living in a house in the middle of nowhere; a hermit. The only company she'd get would be the grandchildren of her sisters and brothers. Oh, who was she kidding? Would her siblings even want their offspring to associate with someone like Kel? Maybe it was best to keep alone, pretend like she didn't care for romance and not fall for anyone. The Lady Knight turned her head slightly to the right to sneak a peek at Sergeant Dom, who was playing dice with a few of his men. No, I won't allow myself to fall for anyone, She forcefully thought, especially not him
A small breeze flowed from the north, whipping Kel's hair, tangled from being in a helmet so long, off of her sweaty neck. She closed her eyes for a split second to enjoy the cooling sensation of the wind, and then opened her eyes again to look at Dom wistfully. She had to have one last word with him. This was probably the last time they were to travel and fight together. Sure, they'd see each other at banquets and Midwinter, but it wouldn't be the same as the midnight rides they shared; the hour-long debates, and most of all; the peaceful presence that was Dom. Kel felt safe and relaxed in her bedroll at night in her tent because she knew Dom was only a couple yard away, in his own tent, and if she was silent enough, Kel sometimes heard the deep breathing (and occasionally snores) that came from Dom's tent. Those sounds lulled her to a deep sleep. How would she sleep without him? Kel shook her head at the thought; I've slept for twenty years without his presence, so why can't I do it again? Maybe it was better if they were separated. What kind of humiliation would Kel face if she admitted her true feelings? If she had told Neal how she really felt, she probably would have dropped out of the race to become knight because of embarrassment. It was going to be the same with Dom. If she told him, she'd have to give up her shield to flee the country and become a hermit. Things like these were better kept secret. Besides, Kel had fallen out of love with both Neal and Cleon with time. Why couldn't that happen with Dom? It most likely would. If her heart was to forget Dom in a few months, why make it more difficult? Mindelan was less than a day's ride from where she was camped. She and her men planned to visit for a few days while Dom and his men left for the Western Border. Then, Kel was to go protect the Northern Border. It was good-bye for good.
The logical part of Kel's mind told her this was good. Having no Dom around left no room in her brain for silly romantic fantasies. That way, she'd spend less time daydreaming and more time being a good knight. She owed this much to her people. But, still, if this was a good thing, why did it hurt her heart so much? Mind over matter, She reminded herself with sigh. Kel shifted the helmet from under her arm to the ground next to her and continued to watch the sunset, this time her head was out of the clouds. She blinked with surprise at what she saw. When she first sat down to watch the sunset, the sun was still high in the sky with only blotches of pink and orange around. Now, the sun had half sunken down the horizon and the sky around it was blood red, the outer areas a deep violet. Kel turned her head around to see it was black in the east and a few sprinkles of stars had already appeared. It's amazing how quickly time passed if you're deep in thought. The girl kept dangling her legs of the edge of the cliff, not ready to go clean up and sleep yet. She wanted to stay there all night, musing over her problems and being in close proximity with Dom, but she couldn't. Eventually, she'd have to go change and get some sleep so she could ride in the morning, but until then, she was perfectly content with where she was right now.
A minute or so later, Kel heard footsteps behind her. It was probably one of her men asking to see if she was in a trance or something. However, she was not expecting that person to sit down next to her on the edge of the cliff. Kel turned her head to identify the person who had approached her. A warm feeling trickled down into her stomach as she immediately realized that it was Dom. She blinked; the only emotion of surprise that showed outside her Yamani mask.
"What, you're not mourning the death of the ogres or anything, are you?" Dom asked, mistaking her quietness for solemnity.
Kel shook her head, not daring to look into the handsome Sergeant's eyes in case her heart would trick her into doing something she'd regret.
Dom frowned, troubled by her lack of speech, "Kel, are you okay?"
She nodded, tracing random shapes in the sand beneath her. "I'm perfect," She lied.
Still, Dom was worried. Forgetting that Kel was not like other women, he tried to charm it out of her. He gently picked up her hand, which was surprisingly soft for a knight, and stroked it with his larger, rougher ones, "You can tell me anything." He assured her softly, trying to look at her, but Kel turned her body away from him.
Kel bit her lip, then sighed, admitting defeat. Her heart pounded and her hand tingled with pleasure from where Dom touched her, but she pulled her hand out from his grasp nonetheless and put it in her lap. She hated how Dom unconsciously did these little gestures and touched her lightly. It made her fall even more for him, which made it harder for her to say good-bye. "Dom, we need to talk," She said, then winced at the way she said his name. It wasn't the way a knight should say a sergeant's name. It was the way a lovesick girl said a lover's name.
Dom raised an eyebrow, "Talk? About what?"
Kel fidgeted nervously, making her armor clang against itself, "Well… I think you've heard by now that I'm leaving tomorrow for Mindelan?"
Dom flinched at the mention of the dreaded departure. He tried his best not to think of that day and had been trying to stall time. However, it had not worked the way he wanted for his beloved Kel was still leaving him tomorrow. But, he still had to keep his cool, in case Kel was to suspect him as many of his men already did. How was it his fault that he didn't have a Yamani mask like she did? It was only human to show signs of happiness when you see someone you love… not that he loved Kel or anything… Actually, Dom wasn't quite sure. He liked Kel a lot and flirted with her more than any other court lady, but was that considered love? Well, even if it was, Dom wouldn't want to think about it that way. It was hard enough for him that Kel, his good friend was going away forever, but Kel, his true love as well? That would be unbearable. There was no way he could tell Kel how he felt about her in case she went from Kel, his good friend, to Kel, the only lady who has ever rejected Domitian of Masbolle. "Yeah," He said, answering Kel's question, "I did hear about that somewhere. How long will you be staying there?"
Kel shrugged, "A few days. I'm only going to go visit family members."
"Oh? And we'll meet you and your men at the Western Border, right?" He asked hopefully, though he already knew what the answer would be.
Kel's face fell, "Um, actually, no, you won't. I have been stationed to guard our Northern Border with Scanra," She explained softly.
There was a short pause. When Dom spoke again, Kel was relieved, but yet sad at the same time to find that his voice was rather devoid of emotions, "Well, this is good-bye, then?"
For the first time, Kel looked up directly into the Sergeant's eyes. She had to know or else she would never get on with her life. His eyes were a deep blue and cloudy with some emotion Kel knew not of. But she did know that it wasn't the emotion she had hoped for. He had not looked at her with love or anything close to that. Dom was looking at her, but not seeing her. That's when Kel knew. She knew that they weren't meant to be. She knew that Dom would never feel the same way. She knew that fate was to pull them apart so they could go on their own ways, away from each other. And there was nothing Kel could do about it. "Bye," She finally said, her heart lurching with pain.
Dom gave her a little nod of his head and got up from the cliff edge and started to walk away. Kel stared after his retreating form, remorse, sorrow, and pain in the pit of her stomach. But that was nothing compared to the heartache building in her chest. She couldn't believe that this was it. Even though neither of them hinted at romance, a tiny part of Kel always knew they would end up together and that part still strongly believed that they would… only if Kel would try again. She had to try again! It was better to be rejected than to live the rest of her live in question, wondering, even when she was an old woman, whether she and Dom would have ever made it together. She would never be able to handle the amount of regret and confusion. It was now or never. "Wait, Dom!" Kel called after him before she could stop herself.
He turned around, slowly, to look at her, "Yes?"
Kel swallowd loudly, "Do-… do you have anything you'd like to tell me before we are leaving each other forever?"
A muscle in Dom's jaw twitched at the accuracy of Kel's guess of his internal emotions. He considered his options. Either he could confess, and there being a 20/80 chance Kel would like him back, and he could end up with Kel in his arms forever. But the chances were too slim. He would not risk it. The other choice was to let his beloved walk away for good, but know that they would always still be friends. Dom made up his mind, "No," he lied, watching as Kel's dreamy hazel eyes flickered with pain.
Though her face was blank and indifferent, her usually calm hazel eyes were burning with unspoken emotions which reflected how she was dying inside. There was a long silence between the two as Kel's eyes desperately roamed around Dom's body, not ever wanting to forget how this handsome man looked like. Finally, Kel said, "Well, then, farewell, Domitian of Masbolle," her tone was rather bitter and unpleasant.
Dom blinked his confusion. Kel had never called him that, so why now? Was it just his imagination, or was Kel angry at him for his pathetic answer? He tried to call after Kel and demand what she meant by that, but she had already stormed off inside her tent to change. He sighed. This is for the best, he tried to assure himself. With one last glance to where his love had disappeared, he went off to take a long walk, all the while caring for his wounded and scarred heart…
Don't worry, they turn out together in the end. It takes a while, though, but they will, so no worries! Oh, and if you're a nice person, you'll drop a review, right? I always leave nice fat reviews for everyone and it'd be nice if you do the same:) An update may come quicker that way.