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Rei and Aiichirou weren't stupid.
They both had crushes whom they liked very much and wanted terribly—maybe a little too desperately, they thought—to be with, but they weren't delusional and knew when to stop. After all, even if they were to keep chasing (and many times while thinking about this, Rei laughed bitterly at the irony, since he was originally the one who was chased), if nothing was going to result from it, then it was best to give up. They both knew there was a limit to how far one should theoretically go if the end was going to be a dead one.
Even though they understood this, however, it wasn't easy for either of them to just stop.
For Rei, it was an accident. He never meant to fall for the bright boy who hounded him to near death to join the swim club. Nagisa was never meant to be anyone more than a passing acquaintance with whom he shared the same class and club with. But sometime between learning how to swim and almost drowning to his untimely death, their relationship had shifted radically on Rei's side.
Nagisa's tendency for close physical contact did not help quell the growing feelings Rei found himself fostering for him either. He was worried, of course, because this sort of thing—this sort of illogical thing which did not depend on mathematic theories or hypotheses but on feelings and heartbeats—had never happened to him before.
Even as he didn't dare to think that Nagisa liked him back (because, Rei reasoned with himself, why should he be so vain as to think anyone would find him romantically attractive?), he found himself becoming fonder of him with each passing day.
Everything was made worse by the sheer amount of time they spent together from the early morning to the later afternoon and, sometimes, even early evening.
And Nagisa, for all his innocence and vivaciousness, was always, always clinging onto him. Whether it was over his shoulder, on the arm, around the waist, or by the wrist, Nagisa was in a perpetual state of being connected with Rei. The taller boy didn't know how to tell him to stop because, with every brush of a hand against his arm or neck, Rei felt like he was going to die from too much happiness.
But Nagisa never had eyes for him the way Rei had a heart for him. For the blond, it was always just fun and games, and he treated everyone with the same level of affection. Rei was not an exception.
Aiichirou, on the other hand had harbored a sense of close affection toward Rin, maybe from the time he first saw the redhead and the rest of his team back in elementary school. It was a rough first few months rooming with Rin because he had changed so much. Aiichirou thought he had made a mistake at first, but he after realizing Rin was Rin, he never relented in doing his best. He kept trying to make sure Rin was happy and stayed by his side for as long as he could.
But in the end, even as "Matsuoka-senpai" became "Rin-senpai," and "Nitori" occasionally melded into "Ai," he knew things between them would never work out the way he wanted them to. After all, try as he might, Rin still never smiled at him the way he smiled at Haruka, Makoto, and Nagisa. The smiles he received were always a little more distant, no matter their genuineness.
Aiichirou understood, of course. No matter how much he did for Rin, it would always be his childhood friends that he would treasure more. He and Rin had only known each other for a handful of months, which was nowhere near the history that the boys shared with each other. Aiichirou would always just be the person with whom Rin shared a room with during his second year in high school.
Aiichirou was not so selfish as to get angry over that fact, because Rin was finally happy again, and so was he. To an extent.
It didn't mean that he didn't wish Rin would look at him with the same smile or treat him like he did with the rest of the Iwatobi boys, but he never resented the stark gap between him and everyone else.
Despite the fact that every time Rin gave him a kind word or smiled at him made him feel like he could swim three five-hundreds without rest, he knew better than to cling onto the scraps of affection the redhead gave him. That was not what he wanted, after all.
And so, through many months and nights of quiet reflection, both of them decided that it was high time to give up. Knowing when to let go was half the battle of being brave.
It was painful to come to this conclusion, and both Rei and Aiichirou spent their fair share of sleepless nights and painful days mulling over the issue. Convincing themselves out of a fruitless pursuit was difficult and, even after many weeks, they were not completely over it.
This didn't mean that they treated Nagisa or Rin any differently, however. They were still friends and teammates, and Rei and Aiichirou knew their unrequited feelings shouldn't get in their way like that.
For some reason, Nagisa was constantly seeking to bother Rin between sets. After the redhead made up with the rest of the team, it was like Nagisa was trying to make up for the gap years they had lost. Rei and Aiichriou would find each other left alone during joint practices very often because of that. And it was then when they would both stand together, watching.
The two of them were able to understand each other. They noticed each other looking at their teammates with longing expressions which were more than enough proof of lingering affection.
They would smile at each other then, knowingly and painfully, though they never said it aloud.
"They don't like you back, do they?"
But they understood even without the words.
"Your endurance is very impressive," Rei would comment to Aiichirou gently, and the silver-haired boy would smile.
"Yes, thank you. That's what Rin-senpai," he swallowed, "says too."
"I see," Rei would reply, and he did.
"When?" they would ask each other between the lines—between the casual conversations of swimming and classwork—and without words. "When did you start liking him?"
Both of their answers were the same. "Maybe from the very start."
Neither of them knew if it was maybe loneliness or desperation, but it was of great comfort to be able to find someone else that could empathize with. And so, they started to gravitate toward each other.
Every time Nagisa got too close to Rin (and Rei had to stop for a second and think back if Nagisa ever got that close with him before), Rei casually engaged Aiichirou into a conversation which distracted them both. They talked about whatever came to mind first while they trailed behind everyone else, half an eye always darting back to Rin and Nagisa.
How were the classes like in Samezuka? Did they have a curfew? Is it hard to live with so many other boys? And what about Iwatobi? Is it true that they had special Iwatobi bread?
But then, fresh wounds would split open each time Nagisa's name accidentally slipped out of Rei's mouth. The way he said it was so natural and casual, it was almost like the blond's name belonged on his lips. Or when Aiichirou started to enumerate another wonderful thing about Rin without realizing it until it was too late, and he had to force a laugh from his throat and try not to hurt.
It was dangerous to speak to each other when all they could talk about was what hurt them most.
So the topics began to change.
They talked about each other. Why did they start swimming? What was their favorite stroke? Why was it that Rei could only swim butterfly? (He still didn't know either.) What about their family? Did they have siblings?
Aiichirou learned about Rei's older brother who was currently studying in Tokyo University (and, of course, that is where Rei wants to go after Iwatobi). He himself was an only child. Rei only smiled at this and nodded.
"Of course," he had said, "because Aiichirou-kun's name is 'Aiichirou.'"
And because he, too, had a girly name, Rei said nothing about how girly Aiichirou's shortened name was, even though its meaning was only "beloved first son."
They chatted about how Rei used to be in track and was actually pretty good at it, until Nagisa found him and got him into swim. When they got to this part, Rei summarized the series of unfortunate, Nagisa-related events which led to him replacing half his bookshelf with textbooks on swimming theory and technique. Even though he laughed a lot when he retold the tale, Aiichirou could tell he was hurting.
"I'm very glad, though," Rei said with a soft and rueful smile, "that I'm here."
And Aiichirou was as well.
They talked about their other goals for the future as well. Rei said that he had his entire life more-or-less planned out, until Nagisa happened and nothing in his life made sense anymore. Aiichirou wondered about himself too and realized that, perhaps, his goal was only ever to be as good as Rin in swimming. (To make Rin proud, he also concluded, but be didn't say it aloud. Rei gave him a kind look that made him wonder if maybe he understood anyway.)
They stopped watching Rin and Nagisa less and started watching each other more.
Visitors were allowed to the Samezuka dorms, so Rei was invited to Rin and Aiichirou's room whenever there was a chance. Rin was usually out at those times.
Rei didn't say anything at first, but the more he stopped by their room, the more he began to scold Aiichirou about his desk. A clean workspace, he insisted, encourages a positive and efficient mind. The silver-hair boy laughed at those scolding sessions, but he didn't bring up Rin again, even though Rei's words reminded him so much of his roommate.
At times, it would be Rei who invited Aiichirou to his apartment. It was a little out of the way for the silver-haired boy, but he didn't mind.
The first time Aiichirou visited the Ryuugazaki household, Rei's mother happened to be at home. Rei had called out that he brought a friend over to which his mother automatically responded with, "Oh! Is it Nagisa-kun again?"
Aiichirou noticed the short pause before Rei finally answered, "No! It's another friend this time," but he didn't say anything. It was exactly the same as the pause he accidentally let slip into his phone calls with his parents when they asked, "Have you finally gotten to the point where you can call that senpai of yours a 'friend' instead?" whenever he was telling them about how things were. It was a little painful to explain to them that Rin was still "Rin-senpai," and the friend he kept talking about was someone called "Ryuugazaki Rei."
Mrs. Ryuugazaki's gentle smile and, "Ah, I see," was also the same as his parents when he explained himself in detail.
In Rei's impeccably neat bedroom, neither of them made any comment on the two pillows placed on the floor by the low table or the inexplicable boxes of strawberry-flavored chocolates that were neatly stacked on Rei's desk. Knowing Rei to be a staunch believer of balanced nutrition and not much of a sweets person, Aiichirou was only almost puzzled by the chocolates' existence.
They continued this routine of inviting each other over and sometimes just hanging out after practice between the days Nagisa would pester Rei to go out. Eventually, Rei started to decline Nagisa's invitations whenever they overlapped with his plans with Aiichirou.
Then, in the waning hours of weekday and weekend, on a night when Aiichirou filled in an overnight stay slip for Samezuka to spend the night at the Ryuugazaki household, they talked.
Rei lay in his bed while Aiichirou slept on a futon which was provided for him by Mrs. Ryuugazaki. Both of them stared blindly at the ceiling while their late-night discussion blended from their remarkably small existence in the universe to something much closer to home.
"He's a very kind person," Rei said suddenly, and Aiichirou could hear a fond smile softening the edges of his abrupt words. "Blunt, to be sure, but very kind and very bright."
"Yes," the silver-haired boy agreed. "And rude most of the times as well."
Without saying anything, Rei laughed, understanding the difference in subject matter they were discussing.
"But he means well," Aiichirou continued. "I was surprised when I saw his name on the school roster. I didn't think it could have possibly been him. The world is so big, and yet, somehow, I ended up meeting him again."
"Life works in strange ways," the taller boy responded. "Sometimes you expect your life to go one way, only to have to get pulled out by the roots and relocated."
A long silence passed between them.
"I'm glad he's happy now. For a long time, I was worried that, no matter how hard I tried, he would never be.
"Maybe, as it is now, that's exactly how it is. It wasn't really me who changed anything, anyway. If it wasn't for Iwatobi, he wouldn't be this happy."
Rei counted his breaths before speaking. "But you were always there for him."
"Yeah," Aiichirou said with a smile. "But what he needed wasn't me."
They were quiet.
"I've imagined what it might have been like, though, if I was the one who was able to help him somehow. If I were the one who made a difference.
"If I were the one he needed..."
Aiichirou chuckled.
"I liked to imagine what it would be like to hold his hand. And wondered if he would hold mine back," Aiichirou said, his statement uncomprehendingly random and disconnected from their conversation. He laced his fingers over his stomach.
"But then I guess I just stopped imagining."
"It's hard not to imagine sometimes though, isn't it? Not when you're with him day-in and day-out, even on the days you typically wouldn't see him," Rei said, furrowing his eyebrows. "How do you deal with that?"
Aiichirou answered truthfully. "I don't know."
Rei, who usually knew all the theories and calculations to everything, answered truthfully too. "I don't know either." He relaxed his creased brows. "I wish I did."
"It would hurt less if I did," the tense air between them seemed to imply.
"Sometimes," Rei started again after the burning in his throat and eyes subsided a little, "I wish I had as much love for everyone as he does."
The blankets rustled as Rei placed his arms over the sheets. "Sometimes, I wish he only had enough love for me."
He swallowed the lump in his throat and breathed through his mouth. The thick silence settled over them like another blanket, nearly comforting in its heaviness.
Aiichirou cleared his throat gently after a minute. "We have weird problems," he said with a laugh, and neither of them commented on how his voice cracked.
"Yes," Rei agreed. He closed his eyes. "It would be nice if he could continue being as cheerful as he is now in the future."
Aiichirou rolled over to his side, facing Rei's bed. That would be wonderful," he responded in a soft voice.
They both slipped off into sleep without saying any more.
A few weeks later, Rei offered Aiichirou a box of the strawberry-flavored chocolates and smiled. It was the first time he had seen a smile from the taller boy that didn't crack at the edges. Aiichirou smiled too.
It was Rei who held Aiichirou's hand first after practice, when they were heading toward the station with each other. (Nagisa had decided to invite himself over to Makoto's home for the evening along with Haruka, and Rin had been dragged back home by Gou, who insisted it had been too long since he returned.)
It was a nervous gesture done between the long shadows of the growing evening and the warm hues of dying light.
"I, um," he stammered, looking at the floor and adjusting his backpack too much, which made Aiichirou puzzled. "Aiichirou-kun," Rei said, face red and eyes shifted to the side. "I—"
And then Aiichirou felt warm fingers nervously brush up against his before growing bolder and wrapping around his palm. Neither of them could look at each other, and Rei tripped twice while walking. Aiichirou felt like he had not drank anything for the past five years.
Together, they walked like that in silence, their hands sweaty and gross, but somehow infinitely warm and comfortable as well. A million thoughts ran through both their minds, as if trying to match the pace their hearts pounded at. It wasn't until they were almost at the station that Rei paused for a second and was able to muster enough courage to finish whatever he was trying to say before.
"Aiichirou-kun," he said while firmly squeezing the silver-haired boy's hand. "I like you."
Red-faced and embarrassed, Aiichirou swallowed and found his voice. Half of his sentence refused to come out and became a weak rasp. "I do too, Rei-kun. I like you too."
Rei beamed at him then and squeezed their hands together even more tightly.
And, like that, they both shyly tried to work things out, two broken halves that needed to be mended before fitting together.
They didn't say anything to anyone but only did the same things as they always had. They would practice together, sometimes invite each other over, occasionally have lunch dates, and text each other between convenient hours. Except now, in the slips of privacy which were presented to them, they held hands as well.
Being with each other felt so comfortable and nice. Never did they feel pressured to do things they didn't want or have to put up false fronts. Together, they were simply happy and at ease, with occasional bursts of great enthusiasm cropping up when they got too excited. The pace they walked at together was natural and undisturbed.
On a day when Aiichirou was visiting Rei again, the two of them were sitting side-by-side on Rei's bed, talking casually about their day. Aiichirou was self-motivated enough to do his homework at his own speed, so the two if them were able to complete their schoolwork and have time to relax afterwards.
Their knees were leaning up against each other, and Rei was slowly running his fingers over the back of Aiichirou's as he spoke. He paused for a second and glanced over at the shorter boy, who was fondly regarding their intertwined fingers with great appreciation.
Aiichirou looked up when he realized that Rei had stopped speaking. "Is something the matter?" he asked, squeezing his fingers together in a reassuring gesture.
It took Rei a second to collect his answer. "No," he finally replied with a gentle smile. "I was just thinking."
His smile was mirrored when Aiichirou said, "You always are."
Rei was thinking about the boy whose hand he was holding and whose leg was flushed to his, sitting there in his room so contentedly. It was as if he belonged there.
He was a mature and quiet person when he wanted to be, but by now, Rei knew that Aiichirou also had a very stubborn and childish side as well. Rei was on the edge of believing that it might be easier to just give up than keep trying to convince the shorter boy to keep his desk clean, but at least he was a focused and driven individual.
Like Rei, Aiichirou had a penchant for learning and was always interested in listening to Rei's long-winded and complicated explanations on mathematics and physics. In the same way, Rei was always intrigued to know more about the extra readings Aiichirou has done on the natural sciences.
It was as if they were natural compliments.
And now, looking at Aiichirou's fond, inquisitive eyes which were slightly quirked up as he smiled, Rei felt so happy.
There were a lot of similarities between him and Nagisa, he had realized. Their enthusiasm (though Aiichirou's was more controlled and maintained), their height and build, their eyes (not in color, but in brightness), and their same cheerful disposition. But Aiichirou was not Nagisa, and Rei was fully aware of this.
Something in his chest twisted as he thought of this, and he pressed his fingers closer to Aiichirou's palm.
"I'm not, you know," he said, his gaze dropping between them for a second before he lifted them up to look honestly into Aiichirou's eyes, "trying to replace you." His voice didn't waver at all.
Aiichirou's eyes widened for a split second before they returned to normal. He smiled at Rei.
Rei, who was tall and passionate, quick to accept a challenge and sometimes lacking in self-confidence, calculating and kind...
Rei, who was the same height and weight as Rin, as passionate as Rin, as occasionally unsure of himself like Rin, as thoughtful and gentle as Rin—
But was not.
Rei was not Rin no matter how similar they were.
Aiichirou smiled and tilted his head slightly, happy and warm. He laced his fingers between Rei's and hummed once.
But it was because Rei was not Rin that he was so happy. Rei had his own fair share of endearing quirks and habits which Aiichirou appreciated and liked. He didn't know how to put it in words, though, so he just kept smiling.
"I know, Rei-kun," he said, lifting his other hand to Rei's face. His palm was warm, his heart was beating fast, and he wasn't sure what he was doing. He had never done this before, only ever imagined it, and it had always been with someone else. But at that moment, it felt like the rightest thing in the world to do. He was nervous but not scared. Aiichirou smiled. "Neither am I," he said.
He leaned forward and pressed their lips together.
And, in that moment, as they kissed with their breaths suspended, their hearts soared and it felt like after so long—too long— they were finally whole again.