Title: Beauty from Pain

Author: IronIsraeliButterfly

A/N: Rated T because of language, I put the language in because I felt it was needed to make the story a little more edgy.

"The lights go out all around me

One last candle to keep out the nigh

tAnd then the darkness surrounds me

I know I'm alive but I feel like I've died

And all that's left is to accept that it's over

My dreams ran like sand through the fists that I mad

eI try to keep warm but I just grow colder

I feel like I'm slipping away"

-"Beauty from Pain," Superchick

Hospital hallways.

Ziva hated hospitals since she was very young. The cold, impersonal hallways, the nurses and doctors darting with somber looks across their faces to and fro, checking on patients whose prognosis were more dire than the next. There was the row of cold plastic chairs, attached to each other, pushed against the white, sterile walls. There was the beeping, the families gathered in small huddles waiting for news, the wailing when the worst happened, or when the pain of the waiting took just too long. The days of the intifada were the worst. She would remember seeing people who were scarred so they were unrecognizable even to themselves being frantically wheeled into an operating room. Tali had been so badly injured that nobody could recognize her until they confirmed it was her from the dental records. She shuddered at the memory.

She looked over at McGee, who was running his hands through his hair and pacing up and down the hall, every heavy footfall creating an echo that rebounded off every wall, making a sound larger than life. The worry was etched all over his face. She played with her ring. Twist. Twist. Up. Down. Up. Down. Twist. Twist. Gibbs had no expression on his face, but the blood was all over his white polo and trousers like ugly, misshapen flowers. Ziva also had blood all over her, on her jeans, on her jacket. She pulled her jacket closer to her, trying to get more warmth. However, she felt colder than ever.

Suddenly, there was another set of footsteps, and Ziva's head shot up. The doctor, Doctor Fanning, came towards them. He looked rather like an emaciated swallow, ugly, and tall. He had small, beady, black eyes. His white coat was covered in blood. Ziva calculated quickly. She added the blood on her clothes, Gibbs's, and McGee's, and the blood at the crime scene and the doctor's coat. It was a very slim chance that he was still alive. Doctor Fanning cleared his throat. "I believe it is time to call Mr DiNozzo's next of kin." He buried his hand in his pocket and produced two glass vials, each containing a slug. "We found these two slugs inside Mr DiNozzo's body, and as you requested, they are in the vials for evidence."

"Is he still alive?" McGee asked, his voice lined with tension.

"Barely. The next surgeon is in there, now. I highly doubt he will survive the night. His lungs are severely scarred from a previous infection - y. pestis, according to his medical records. He lost a severe amount of blood just in surgery."

"Crap," McGee kicked the wall. "Why the hell did he go there? Why didn't he go with a backup? Why weren't we there?"

Ziva looked at him. "He just went to check the bathroom, I didn't think we needed to do anything! Damnit, McGee, are you really going to bother me about this? Yes, I know it s freaking my fault that Tony is in that operating room, I should have gone after him. I know!"

McGee's eyes were wide open. "I wasn't blaming you., Ziva. I didn't mean anything. I was…"

"Okay, so you may not think you're blaming me, but you are. I'm supposed to be the prepared one, the one who's on top of her game. I was freakin Mossad! Mossad! And I couldn't… every night when I go to sleep, I see all my men pointing their fingers at me and asking me why I didn't save them. Faces. Faces of their families. Men in the army I served with, who served under me, people I could have protected. And now my partner is dying and I could have prevented it." Ziva kicked the wall.

"I didn't mean it, Ziva. Really. I didn't."

"I don't care what you meant. I don't need to see Tony's face in that lineup."

McGee looked at Gibbs pleasingly and then instantly regretted it. Gibbs was a man of few words. Ziva was clearly going through something at the moment and Tony's injury brought Ziva's problems to the forefront. But then something not odd, but unexpected happened. Gibbs went and put an arm around her shoulders and guided down the hallway to a set of chairs. Tears were running down her face, and he pulled her closer.

"Tony's going to survive," he whispered to her. "I know it."

She looked at him. "How do you know?"

Gibbs smiled slightly. "I still have his paycheck. And he has a date tomorrow night."

Ziva sighed. For a long moment, which to Gibbs seemed like an eternity, it was silent. Deathly silent.

"I get those nightmares also, Ziva. It isn't just you. There's this one, his name was Jack, from a town in Tennessee. He was just a private. He jumped in front of a bullet that was meant for me. He was twenty one and had a wife and baby at home. It haunted me for months. It still kills me. He comes to me and asks me, why me? I still go and check on his family to this day."

Ziva gulped. "What about Kate?"

Gibbs sighed. "Kate's death haunts me every day. Logically I know I couldn't do anything. But somehow, I still see her and she says, 'Gibbs, why am I dead? Why aren't you dead?'"

"I feel guilty for her death."

Gibbs pulled her even closer. "There's only one person to blame for her death. And he's dead, thanks to you."

"It was my brother, Gibbs. I didn't believe you until that day. I killed my brother."

"Ziva, I just need you to understand this. Ari, the terrorist, was the person you killed."

"So why don't I have my brother anymore?" Ziva asked. "I don't have my mother, I don't have my sister. My father is basically incapable of acting as such. And I aided my own aloneness. I fucking killed my brother! I was told that I need to split between the person I knew - love Ari that was my brother and hate the terrorist… but it's impossible. Impossible. I feel crazy when I do that. I feel like I have multiple personalities. "

"I don't know what to answer you, Ziva. I still have these dreams and nightmares. I don't think it goes away. But I'll always be there for you if you ever need to talk about it."

Ziva smiled, a full blown smile, and she whispered, "Right back at you."

He gave her a one armed hug and tears began to flow, unashamed down her cheeks.

"I love you, Ziva, you know that?" he said, holding her close.

She nodded. "I love you too."

"My whole world is the pain inside me

The best I can do is just get through the day

When life before is only a memory

I'll wonder why God lets me walk through this place

And though I can't understand why this happened

I know that I will when I look back someday

And see how you've brought beauty from ashe

sAnd made me as gold purified through these flames"

Abby stood near McGee, her head resting on his shoulder as they waited. She was strangely calm. Their romantic relationship was over, it had been over for a long time. But now, she just got the comfort from the wonderful, strong friendship the two shared. Her face was oddly blank, as she closed her eyes and listened to the deathly symphony of the hospital noises.

"Where did we go wrong?" McGee asked, quietly. "Why aren't we together?"

"Why do you always pick the worst moments to ask me these questions?" Abby asked. "I think we realized that we just couldn't be together, it wouldn't work out. It just became more apparent when Kate died. If we were really a couple, Kate's death would have brought us closer. But it didn't. It distanced us."

McGee nodded. "But we'll always be friends."

"Best friends. Come on, we both understand geek." She smiled at him, and they hugged.

Doctor Fanning came out into the hallway. Ziva and Gibbs stood up, and holding hands, they walked over to where Abby and McGee were sitting. Abby's hands settled for a moment on their interlocked hands and gave them a slight smile. The doctor cleared his throat.

"Mr. DiNozzo's surgery has just concluded, and we're cautiously optimistic. Its so wonderful to see Mr DiNozzo has such good friends."

"We're his family," Abby corrected him. "We're Tony's family."

"Here I am, at the end of me

Tryin to hold to what I can't see

I forgot how to hope

This night's been so lon

gI cling to Your promise

There will be a dawn

After all this has passed,

I still will remain

After I've cried my last, there'll be beauty from pain

Though it won't be today,

Someday I'll hope again

And there'll be beauty from pain

You will bring beauty from my pain"