"Ok… Ok… " Chandler breathed in slowly.
"Wait for it…" Joey's arm trembled in anticipation.
"And… and they're running!" Chandler exclaimed.
Joey leapt out of his chair and yelled, "Dude, Baywatch repeats totally kick ass." Chandler took a swig of beer and perused the TV guide. "It especially kicks ass when it's a whole day of Baywatch. All those hours of running and… running." Joey was still transfixed by the screen. "Dude they're running again!"
"Ok could you be anymore obsessed? Just sit down and enjoy the running without slobbering on the screen." Chandler threw the guide at Joey's behind. He grumbled and sank back into his recliner. "You know what?"
"What?"
"It's so… great to have you back."
"Thanks man." Chandler drank from his beer can again and glanced for a second behind him, towards the apartment he had shared with his ex-wife and child. He sighed and drank the rest of the beer. "Beer me," he muttered to Joey. Joey smiled softly and reached down into the portable fridge next to his chair. "This sure beats walking all the way to the refrigerator."
Chandler groaned, "It was meant to be for camping trips."
"When were you planning to go camping, Mr Shit-there's-a-bee-we-gotta-get-outa-here-before-we-all-die-a-horrible-stingfilled-death?"
"Well maybe when Daniel was older we could've…" He stopped himself. "And hey, only I'm allowed to make witty retorts."
"Mon'll still let you see him. He's only across the hall."
"Yeah…" But whatever Monica wanted, she got. And she'd wanted full access to Daniel. And he needed more time than that. He tried not to think bitter thoughts. He was determined to stay friends with her if not for the sake of the group, then for his own sanity. "I'm going over there Joe," he said, standing abruptly.
"But the next episode is when Yasmine…"
"Tape it." He walked out through the Joey-Chandler door and knocked softly on the old Bing-Geller door.
Monica was having trouble getting Daniel to sleep. He was having terrible teething problems and so she was relieved to see Chandler at the door. "Oh I'm glad you're here! Hold him while I get his ba-ba, sweetie." Chandler held the struggling infant obediently. Sweetie? "Er… Mon?"
She rummaged through the laundry and shouted back, "Speak louder, I cant hear you properly." Daniel wailed louder. "I WAS JUST WONDERING IF…"
"IF WHAT?"
"IF YOU WANTED TO GO OUT ONE NIGHT I'D LOOK AFTER DANIEL!"
"REALLY?"
"WELL I'M STARTING TO CHANGE MY MIND NOW…" Chandler sat on the sofa trying to get Daniel's attention. "Look at daddy… he's a loser with no job! Are you going to stop crying and laugh instead?" Daniel's cry softened to a grizzled whine. "Close enough," he sighed. Monica emerged from the bedroom and looked around. "Oh no, it's such a mess in here! I can't believe how bad I am at this." She buried her face into Daniel's comforter, ba-ba. Then she had an afterthought. "Did you really mean it, Chandler?" Chandler bounced Daniel up and down for a second then answered, "Sure Mon. You know me, I'm too nice." She looked at him through glistening eyes. "Thank you… though I'll probably just stay here and clean up. I couldn't go have fun knowing it was so untidy here." Chandler chuckled and handed Daniel over to Monica for his afternoon nap. "Are you staying long?"
"No, it's… Baywatch day."
"Oh a 'date' with Joey. Figures," she smiled at her small joke. Daniel's whine increased to a banshee-like screech and Monica rushed him to his cot. Chandler looked around too. It was indeed a mess. No one would ever believe that Monica lived here if they didn't know about her newborn baby. "I'm erm… going to go now. Call me when you want to go out and… I'll pick him up."
"Ok," she called out from the spare room. He slowly paced backwards out of the room. "See you around, Mon?"
"Sure." The tiredness in her voice echoed around and he felt a pang of guilt. If he'd stayed… But it was no use wishing that. There had been too many fights (mostly caused by her, he thought and scowled), too much to remind him of his own family. He couldn't let Daniel go through what he had. But at least, he thought as he closed the door, I wouldn't run off with one of the 'help'.
The friends soon settled back into their familiar circle, but with a curious little girl and a screaming baby as additions. And occasionally Phoebe brought along her boyfriend Andy. But it was mostly them and they began acting as they always had; sarcastic comments from Chandler, blank looks from Joey, un-witty dinosaur anecdotes from Ross, ditzy songs and inane facts from Phoebe and the two very different mum's, one called Monica who was desperate to keep the children clean and the other Rachel who seemed to forget that they were even there. One time as they supped their coffee's in their favourite spot in Central Perk, Phoebe let slip that she reckoned Andy was her lobster. "The lobster theory again?" Rachel queried licking away some Cappuchino foam from her top lip. "Uh-huh, I mean we so totally belong together don't you think?"
Monica sighed, "You'll grow old together and spend your whole life living in total bliss. I'd love that."
Chandler gave her a sideways glance then mumbled bitterly, "Sounds like me and Joe. I guess he's my lobster then!" He immediately regretted saying that as they all looked from him to Joey. "Yeah… maybe!" Phoebe grinned.
"Dude, we aren't lobsters!" said Joey. "And anyway I prefer mermaids." He indicated to a pretty girl at the counter. Phoebe considered the analogy. "Lobsters and mermaids as guys and girls. Mermaids and mermaids and lobsters and lobsters." She strummed her guitar. "I so totally feel a song coming on."
Lobsters and mermaids are the way it should be
But not everyone is into the law of the sea
Lobsters and lobsters are just fine with me
And mermaids and mermaids make me horny!
Joey smiled broadly and nodded his head to the rhythm. "Yeah! Hot mermaid action!" Ross coughed loudly to indicate that they should shut up about this kind of topic with Emma around. Rachel slapped his knee. "C'mon lobster, we've got to take Emma for a check-up. See you guys later!" Monica and Daniel went along with them. "It's like a mommy-club and we're not invited," Phoebe sighed.
"Hey you've technically been a mommy, Pheebs." Phoebe shrugged off Joey's gesture of comfort eager to get onto another topic. "So… lobsters?" she giggled. Chandler choked on his blueberry muffin. "It was *cough* just an *cough* observation." Joey slapped him on the back. "Yeah I can totally see us as like two grumpy old men or something. I mean, I'll never settle down." He wryly smiled as he remembered his failed attempts with Rachel. "We'll all probably do each other at some point anyway," he added.
"I can't wait for our turn," she purred. Chandler finally coughed up the muffin piece. "Hey! Stay away from MY lobster, you mermaid temptress!" he joked.
"What about mermen?" Joey pondered, surprising even himself with his lurid comment.
"Ok, man. I'm pretty sure I know what you meant by that and… just no way."
"Ooh another song idea!"
Everyone in our gang has a secret crush
And no one is in a rush… to admit it
It's becoming rather weird
As Joey says what Chandler feared
As he moves in for a kiss, Bing shall blush
"Will you STOP singing songs about it? We're getting strange looks." Chandler tore apart his muffin so it looked as though he'd eaten more then he actually had. "But it totally explains your gay quality! Your gay quality is Joey."
Joey leaned back in his chair, "Cool, I'm a quality!" Chandler groaned and rubbed his eyes. "Not this again, look I have a kid!"
"So does Ross's ex-wife."
"Aw c'mon man! I don't blame you – everyone wants a piece o' Joey!" Joey folded his arms behind his head and grinned cheekily. Chandler gulped down his coffee and stormed out of the coffee house. "He really gets agitated when we call him gay, huh? He must really be a closet-claw."
"Wait, you don't really believe this do you, Phoebe?"
"Of course I do! 3 million slash fiction sites cant be wrong."
"Huh?"
"Um… nothing." She regretted letting on about her extensive knowledge of how the world works once again. She was always the chess-player moving the gay pawns in these stories. He got up and said, "Look sorry to leave you like this but, I've kinda got a part for a play and I want to go read the script." Phoebe was surprised that he was getting back into acting. For the last few months he'd gone back to work at 'Central Perk' only after Rachel persuaded Gunther to let him in. "Yeah but don't tell the others. I've only told you and Chandler. We can have our own club." He winked.
Joey flicked through the pages of the script. It didn't appear to be too difficult. A drama scene here, a monologue there, a kiss or two… He stopped on one of the kiss scenes. Charlie? He hoped Charlie was a girl as he traced his finger down the cast list. Nope, a guy. Charlie was a guy. He hadn't practised kissing a guy for a long time. And Ross was out of the question this time so… But Chandler was still in a funny mood from earlier. So Joey only knocked on his bedroom door after pacing the room for several minutes debating the pros and cons of asking this favour. In the end, he'd worked out that Chandler would help him with anything. "Dude?" He could hear Chandler moving from his bed, then towards the door. "What?" he answered sulkily. "Well, I know this'll sound hippo-hypo-hypcrit… kinda two-faced, but there's this gay scene in my play and…" he stepped back as Chandler opened the door. "My quality lobster wants some help?" Joey stepped back further. "Uh-huh. We were just kidding, y'know? Honest!"
"I know. I'm just a bit agitated."
"Well it's only been 5 months. You'll be fine one day. Hopefully soon."
"No I doubt it… anyway. I want to make it up to you for last time. I'm sure I'm a much better kisser than Ross," Chandler laughed and snatched the play from Joey. "So, which page?"
Monica could only take so much and Daniel was really crossing the line. He flailed in his cot, screaming and throwing his ba-ba out of it, then crying even louder when he realised it had gone. "STOP. THROWING. IT. OUT. THEN!!!" she screamed back and fell to the floor sobbing. She'd wanted children so much and now she knew that she'd just been in love with the idea of them and unlike Rachel, had no real help. "Wait!" She got to her feet. Chandler was right nearby. He wanted to help. She finally admitted defeat. She'd let Chandler have him for the night. She lifted the baby, kicking and screaming still, from the cot and rushed to the door. She'd send by his stuff later. As she neared the boys' door she could hear raised voices.
"You never appreciate me!" That was Chandler, she was sure.
"Well if you weren't such a big baby about how shit your life has turned out then I'd respect you more!" Joey… talking about the divorce.
"Respect? You couldn't spell respect even if the song of the same name's chorus was on!"
"Oh sure, not all of us are as great as you, you big, fat…" Silence fell around the hallway. Monica pushed open the door. Joey was stood over Chandler in one of the recliners and they were… She quietly closed the door and walked away in horror. She'd suspected… but no, not her ex-husband and best friend? She held Daniel closely and didn't even notice he'd fallen soundly asleep.