Eli.
It was Eli on that bed.
Was that body still Eli? Or was he just a soft, breathing shell?
I was sitting on the hospital chair, staring at the gurney in disbelief. My heart was beating in my throat. I could barely hear the beeping of the monitor that filled the room. I could barely breathe. The whole room was a blur except for him... and I didn't even know it was still him here with me. I reached out for his hand, and when I clutched it and got no reaction, and my eyes welled up with tears.
My eyes.
"You have pretty eyes."
The words echoed through my head. They were the first words he had ever said to me. Now I prayed to God that he would be able to see them again.
I let go of his hand and pulled mine through my hair. "I'm sorry, Eli," I choked out, and the tears began to fall. "I'm sorry." My head fell onto his chest, then it rose with his unconscious breath. I heard his heartbeat. It synchronized with mine.
I stayed like that, crying over his comatose body, matching my breathing with his, listening to his heartbeat, and praying in my head that things would be better. The door opened, but I didn't look up. I was still.
"Clare, honey." It was my mother. "We have to go home. You can come back tomorrow."
I looked up at her like she had just told me I was going to die. Water continued to flow down my cheeks. My lip quivered with my breaths.
"Dear, the doctor said we should go." She knew it felt impossible for me to leave his side. Her aged features showed the sadness in her face. Her compassion for me was inherently visible. But we had to leave. I had to leave.
"Fine," I sniffed, stopping my tears some, "just give me a second, Mom."
She offered me a sad smile, but I couldn't return it. "I'll be waiting." She left the room.
I lifted my head and finally willed myself to look at his face. He looked so sweet, so peaceful, almost smiling. He looked like he was sleeping peacefully. He looked like he did while he was dreaming of me. Maybe he was...?
I leaned down and kissed his lips gingerly and wished with everything he'd wake up return the favor, like he was Sleeping Beauty and I was Prince Phillip. Alas, I was not a prince, Eli was not a cursed princess, this was not a fairy tale, and he did not wake up.
"I love you, Eli. I'm sorry." I kissed his cheek. "Wake up soon, please?" I kissed him again. "I'll be back tomorrow." With that, I managed to pull myself from his side, and no matter how empty it made me feel afterward, I left his hospital room and closed the door. I got one last look in at him before turning to my mom. "Okay, we can go."
The ride home was quiet. I wouldn't talk. My mom tried to strike up conversation halfheartedly, but I'd just look her down with my sad eyes and she'd avert her attention back to the road. I stared out the car window. The scenery matched my mood: bleak, dreary, sad. It had been pouring but the rain let up not long before we left the hospital. Almost immediately after my mother and I stepped inside our front door, the rain began again.
My mom headed to the living room, and once there, turned on the t.v., sat down, and then turned on the lamp. I began my way upstairs, but paused and leaned over the rail. "Thanks for taking me to see him."
She looked up at me. "It was no problem, Clare."
Our gaze held for a second and a small smile grew on each of our faces. "Well," I started, waving my hand up the stairs, "I'm just going to go lie down now."
As I lifted my foot, she yelled to me, "love you!"
I smiled another little grin. "Love you too." The words came out in a single, quick breath.
Once in my room, I closed the door behind me and sat on my bed and sighed. I sat there staring at the door for a while, thinking about everything, thinking about nothing, thinking about Eli, thinking about my mom... Thinking, even though my mind was a jumble. My eyes grew heavy soon after, so I glanced over at my clock for the first time that evening. It was already 9:30. How long had I been at the hospital? How long had I been home? Nonetheless, I rose and flipped on my light, then changed into night clothes. Before laying down on the spot I'd been sitting, I opened my nightstand drawer and pulled something out of it. I settled myself underneath a fleece throw and lifted up the thing, seeing its shine in the dark. It was a bracelet.
Eli had given it to me two months after we got together. It was white gold with onyx inlays in every few chain links. The chain itself was oversized; it was designed to look like it was an actual chain. I had been surprised when he, well, surprised me with it. It was very... Eli, and not very... Clare, but I absolutely loved it and thanked him for days.
That was before all this had happened. This was before things had gotten this messed up. This was when he was okay.
"What happened?" I whispered to myself, then drifted off, bracelet still in hand.
I dreamt of Eli. I dreamt he was okay. Everything seemed so real, so perfect, so amazingly superb.
When I awoke in the middle of the night, reality hit me, and I cried again. I cried until I fell back into a dreamless, unpleasant sleep.