I wrote this as an entry into a competition and didn't submit it on time. Whoops. But my twisted sense of humor had been wanting to write this for a long time, so I suppose it's all right.

MASH Visited

"You're late."

"I am not! I arrived precisely when I meant to."

"Three days after you told me you'd be here?"

"You remember that I have been in storage for a few years?"

"That's your excuse for everything, Aloysius."

"At least I have a name."

"That's not fair. Just because no one mentions it doesn't mean I don't have a name."

"What is it then?"

"Eddie Bear."

"Eddie Bear?"

"I come from a long line of Eddie Bears. My great-grandfather was used by a Confederate soldier to get a Section Eight."

"Did they call it a Section Eight back then? Speaking of which, where is that nut in a dress you keep telling me about?"

"Klinger should be on guard duty. Don't worry; you'll see him soon enough. He's kind of hard to miss."

"I shouldn't doubt it, from what you've told me. This place is every bit as awful as you described it."

"I may be an anthropomorphized teddy bear but that doesn't mean I exaggerate."

"If you think about it, an anthropomorphized teddy bear is probably an exaggeration of some sort."

"That explains your over-the-top accent."

"I was wondering when you were going to get around to mocking that. I'm very impressed; you've shown quite a bit of restraint waiting this long."

"Considering Sebastian, it's a surprise you'd criticize others based on their lack of restraint. How is he?"

"Don't judge a bear based on their owner, Eddie. I'm surprised you even had to ask about Sebastian. He's drunk. What else?"

"He'd fit in quite well here. The surgeons drink like it's going out of style."

"Doesn't that effect how they operate?"

"Absolutely; it makes them better."

"I doubt that."

"All right, maybe it doesn't make them mini-Schweitzers but it does take the edge off."

Attention all personnel! Put on your dancing shoes; we've got wounded!

"Wounded? But it's three am!"

"And that, Aloysius, is why we drink."

"You drink? How, without opposable thumbs?"

"I take a gin bath."

"That was more than I needed to know... How do you stand it here?"

"Other than my gin baths?You know, I honestly have no idea. It's a 'bear' of a war."

"Very punny."

"I know. Now let's go help with the wounded."

"But how?"

"I'll think of something. I got us anthropomorphized, didn't I?"