She knew as soon as she swung open the front door.
"Jennifer LaMontagne?"
JJ's eyes scanned up and down the two uniformed police officers standing on the top step of her porch.
"Yes…", she said, frowning at the sight of both officers turning their eyes towards the ground, avoiding any contact with hers.
"May we come in?," the older male asked, finally bringing his eyes to look at her.
JJ nodded and stepped back, holding the door open for the two men. She pointed to the left as they stepped into the hallway, inviting them into the living room.
She closed the door with more force than she had intended, and it banged loudly. JJ winced, straining her ears for the quiet cries of her sleeping son.
After a few moments' silence, she followed the two men's direction and leaned against the doorframe.
"Ma'am, have a seat…," the officer spoke again, indicating to the couch. JJ bit her bottom lip, noticing that both men had removed their hats and shook her head, "No."
The man began to open his mouth to ask her again when he caught sight of her face, he saw the glistening of tears begin to form in her blue eyes, and took a deep breath.
"We're sorry to have to bring you this terrible news, Mrs LaMontagne…", he paused as he heard a small cry tear from JJ's throat…,"Your husband, William, was killed in a convenience store robbery by suspects who we're actively trying to apprehend…"
JJ's hand gripped the wooden doorframe hard to keep herself from collapsing on the floor. She brought the other to cover her mouth, as if to stop the silent screams that tore all the breath from her lungs.
"William, and his personal effects are at Memorial hospital…", the officer said, before taking a step towards her,
"Ma'am, is there anything we can do? Any phone calls we can make for you?"
She never thought that it was possible to physically feel your heart breaking. JJ shook her head again, her hair falling into her eyes.
"No," she managed to croak out, her voice breaking, "I'll do it…"
The man nodded and took a hold of her elbow, and gently manuvered her towards the couch, sitting her down slowly. His partner, who had been silent for this whole time, pressed an opened can of soda into JJ's hand. She hadn't even noticed him leaving the room, but he must have gotten it from her refrigerator, the can was still chilled.
Shakily, she brought the can to her mouth and took a sip, the sweet, fizzy liquid running down her throat made her feel ill, but she took another sip before placing the can on the wooden table to the side of her.
JJ felt both officers' eyes on her and she raised her head, looking at the older man who had delivered the news.
"Than-…Thank you officers..," she whispered, nodding at them, hoping that they would take that as an indication to leave.
They seemed to get the hint, nodding before placing their hats back on their heads.
"If there's anything," the man said, leaving a small cardboard card on the table, "…and a visit will have to be made to the hospital, to identify the body and collect his belonging's…"
JJ nodded, "Of course", she said quietly, her head feeling as if she was underwater.
Both men turned to leave, casting a glance back at the blonde before opening the front door again and walking out.
As soon as she heard the click of the door close, JJ broke.
She could feel the soda bubbling up her throat and she jumped off the couch to the downstairs bathroom. Yanking the door open, she threw herself on to the floor beside the toilet as she heaved the contents of her stomach out into the bowl. She carried on heaving until she was sure there was nothing left but her stomach lining, and sat back on her heels.
She breathed deeply, letting the air completely fill her lungs before exhaling. The burning in her throat was now a match for the burning in her eyes as everything swam in front of her. She began to sob, heart-braking sobs that seemed to echo around the whole house, the house that Will would never return to.
Slowly, her sobs turned into screams, the tears still pouring down her face. JJ moved back to sit on the floor, kicking her legs out in front of her, hitting the doorframe. She yelped her foot connected with the doorframe, swearing softly, she kicked it again, and again.
She needed to feel something. This feeling that was in her head, that seemed to consume her entire body, made her feel numb and fuzzy. Like everything was underwater, and she could scream as much as she liked, but all that was going to happen was that her lungs would fill with water and she would be dragged under. She could scream as much as she wanted, but he was never coming back.
JJ felt her stomach roll again and she bent over the toilet once more, dry heaving until her throat was so sore she could barely swallow. Her breathing rate increased as she tried to stand up, red and black dots clouding her vision as she stepped out into the hallway. She slumped against the wall, using one hand to guide her along the wall.
Feeling around in the dark, she opened the cupboard to fetch a glass, shuffling over to the sink to fill it with water when it slipped from the grasp and fell to the floor, smashing into tiny, sharp pieces that pricked at her bare feet, but she didn't move. She closed her eyes as she felt the glass shards slice into the sides of her feet, welcoming the fleeting feeling of pain that shot through her body.
She turned around and grabbed another glass, this time throwing it into the sink, eyes closing as the sound of smashing glass filled the room.
As she made her way upstairs, she caught sight of herself in the mirror that hung in the hallway. Her face was un-recognizable, she thought, as her eyes raked over her form. Her hair hung around her face, some in her eyes. Her nose was running, her cheeks were swollen and red, some parts black from where her mascara has been completely washed off, her eyes bloodshot, and her eyelids so puffy she could barely blink. There were a few small cuts on her cheeks from where flying glass had cut her, but she didn't care.
As she passed the photographs hanging on the wall, her eyes stopped on a photo that was taken at their wedding, six months ago. They were standing outside, away from the dance floor, the lights still lighting their faces. Will was leaning in to whisper something into her ear, and she was laughing.
JJ couldn't remember through the fog, who took that photo, but it was her favourite.
She reached up and took it off the wall, tucking it under her arm as she climbed the rest of the stairs.
As soon as she reached her bed, she collapsed, curling into a ball. She clutched the photo frame so tightly, it was a wonder that it didn't break.
JJ traced the outline of Will's face with her fingertip, moving over it so many times she lost count. Tears began to dribble down her face again, and the image of him grew blurry.
She brought the photo to her chest and began to sob again, rocking forwards and back slightly.
"I love you," she gasped as she rocked, "I love you. I love you. I love you."
The corners of the frame began to dig into her chest, but she pulled it closer. The pain that she felt in her chest was overwhelming, as if her heart had actually broken into a million pieces, never to be mended.
She sobbed until her voice grew weak and her breaths grew short, giving her a pounding headache. Her eyes began to shut from sheer exhaustion and as she drifted off to sleep, she rolled her body to the opposite side of the bed, his side.
His smell lingered in the air above his pillow and she clutched on to that too, bringing it to her face, breathing in deeply. She pressed her face into the pillow, and tears began to squeeze their way out from her closed lids, seeping on to the cotton.
JJ's breathing began to finally slow, and she moved her face sideways so that she could breathe. She rubbed her cheek against the fabric, tightening her hold on it.
"I love you so much," she whispered, "Please come back…"
Thinking of maybe doing a second chapter, about her identifying the body and collecting his belongings, would you be down for that?
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Thank you for reading.