Stupid. There wasn't another word for it. He had been stupid—a fool. Emma was a woman. She was not a girl giggling over a boy in the schoolyard. She was a woman. She had been married, had a child. She had Sam. Marshal Sam Cain. Why on earth would she want Jimmy—or even Wild Bill—when she could have a man like that?
Sam was a marshal. He was respected and he earned that respect. He earned it every day by the way he carried himself, not by simply carrying the badge. The fact that he could outdraw near to anyone was second to the respect he earned from being fair and good and right.
He could offer Emma a better life. He could be better for Emma than Jimmy could.
That knowledge didn't stop the feelings though. Emma might've thought his feelings for her started when he saw her in her underpinnings. They didn't. It was long before that.
When she asked him to apologize to Longley, he was already in love with her. It was why he did what she asked. It made him angry. That was no act but he did it because she asked and because he loved her. He couldn't deny her anything she asked.
She treated him like no one had treated him before. He was pretty sure she knew a good deal of what he hid but she didn't hold it against him. She could be stern with him but she was sweet and tender too.
He never thought of acting on how he felt though. Not until she was asleep by the campfire. He didn't want to do anything improper. He just wanted to touch her face or maybe stroke her hair. She looked so peaceful sleeping there. So free of the burdens he usually saw weighing her down. She was real then in a way she'd never been before. He didn't touch her though. He was too afraid she'd wake up and be cross with him.
So he left her to sleep but watched her all the same. All night he watched her. He told himself it was to stay alert to keep her safe and had she awakened and wondered, it's what he would have told her. But really he was calmed and comforted by watching her sleep, by thinking that he might one day sleep next to her, tight to her. She'd be safe then…in his arms.
He'd never had such a thought about a woman before. But then Emma was a very special woman. She could chastise him and still leave him feeling warm and loved. He didn't know how she did it but sometimes he did things that would upset her just to feel it.
She saw such worth in him. He fought it. Every step of the way, he fought it but he loved it too. She saw what he could be and not what he was, not what he had been shaping himself into.
He had been torn when Teaspoon needed a volunteer to go with Emma to Fort Reunion. He wanted to go because a part of him didn't trust the others enough to keep her safe. It wasn't fair and he knew they all loved her too but they weren't in love with her. They didn't fall asleep thinking of her and her wild red hair or her endless dark eyes.
At the same time he didn't want to let it be obvious how sweet on her he was by jumping at the chance to be with her. And he didn't really trust being alone with her anyway. He saw her with Sam. She was happy. He wasn't the sort of man who would try to break something like that up. At least he didn't want to be.
That was why he didn't touch her as she slept. It was why he tried not to stare at her in her pantaloons. She wasn't his. She wasn't meant to be. She'd never given him a single reason to believe that she could be his.
But at the fort, things changed. She looked to him more and more to protect her, to do the right thing, to be the kind of man she believed he could be—the kind he wanted to be. She worried for him but still something in her eyes was grateful for every chance he took that might spring them from the hell they were in.
When the drunken soldier attacked her—she might claim different but Jimmy saw an attack—he was blinded with rage. Sure some of that had to do with all that happened to his mother. He hadn't been big enough to protect her but he was damned sure big enough and strong enough to defend Emma. He had been so frightened that she would be hurt. And then she let him hold her. She let herself be weak…no, not weak exactly—vulnerable. Nothing felt as right as her in his arms right then. She was trembling and seemed to draw all her strength from him. He was happy to give it. He was overjoyed to give it.
When she fretted for him leaving to scout, the look in her eyes wasn't that of a mother or a big sister or even a good friend. It was a woman who cared for a man and didn't want to see him harmed. And then she kissed him before he went to free the Indian. She kissed him on the lips. Not the forehead or the cheek…the lips.
She looked at him with such pride then, he wanted to be worthy of it. He did. And he felt he was. He was doing the right thing because it was right. And that was something he might not have done at another point in his life. But it was something he always wanted to do. He wanted to be one of those men who stood for something. She made him believe he could be. She made him believe he maybe already was.
When they got back inside, it was so cold. He felt good about standing with the mistreated soldiers and giving up his blanket but he wished that Emma hadn't given hers up also. She should be warm and safe. Instead she was shivering in temperatures too low for her to do much on her crocheting.
He did the only thing he could think of and tried to warm her. Her skin was smooth and soft and he never wanted to move his hands from it. And then it happened. She told him her story. He had wondered. They all had wondered. Women didn't just live alone like that. She told him of her love and her loss. It was the closest he had ever seen to her breaking down and crying. All he wanted to do was take her in his arms again and hold her tight, let her cry into his chest. He wanted to take her sorrows on himself so she wouldn't have to bear them anymore.
He moved so he could look her in the eyes. He needed to know if he could see the things he heard in her voice. He did. Or thought he did. There was sadness and longing and a pleading for him to make things alright. She was afraid and she was hurting from the memories that he knew never left or even faded.
His face neared hers and she did not turn away. She had to know what he was about to do and she didn't try to stop him in any way.
Their lips met and it was like heaven. Her mouth was warm and her lips soft and tender. She not only surrendered to the kiss, she returned it. It was good and right. Until it wasn't. Until she pulled away. Until she told him that it couldn't be. He argued with her. He said he was in love…that she felt it too. She didn't deny that she felt the pull but she said that wasn't enough to make it right.
He was a boy. That was the message. He wasn't enough for her. He wasn't old enough or smart enough or…well, it didn't matter. He just wasn't enough. She was a sister, a friend. That was it. She said nice things about him but they didn't ring true. If he was really so handsome or exciting or desirable, then she would desire him. But she didn't.
His attempt to escape the fort had less to do with trying to meet up with the Indian than trying to get away from Emma. He just couldn't face her anymore. He didn't know what to say. Nothing she said or felt…or didn't feel would change what was in his heart when he looked at her.
He was a fool. He knew it and he told her he knew it. She tried to make him feel better. That was Emma. But he didn't feel better. He felt worse really. It would have been better almost if she hadn't run to him when he was shot, if she hadn't held his hand and looked at him with concern. That just made him feel even more like some foolish schoolboy than he already did.
But the sharpest blow to his heart was how she ran to Sam when he showed up. Never mind that Jimmy was so glad to see someone not under the crazy command of the fort that he almost wanted to run to Sam and hug him as well. The way she ran to him had nothing to do with the fort or her fears or desire to leave it. She was a woman in love running toward her man. Jimmy was forgotten for the moment.
He told her she'd always be special to him. She would. He'd always love her. Always. He would measure every woman he ever met against her and doubted any out in the world could measure up.
Emma would always have his heart. He'd never be able to deny her anything. It would always kill him a little to see her with Sam but then Sam made her happy. And anything that made Emma happy was all Jimmy could ask for.
Maybe she was right and there was someone out there for him. Maybe she wasn't. But she would never be left unguarded or alone. If Sam ever fell down on the job of caring for her, of protecting her…Jimmy would be right there to see her safe and make sure she felt love.
So yeah...the bunny for the Emma story bit me in the butt...I wrote it and before I was even finished, Jimmy was begging to talk. Just like a man...have to have the last danged word. But it turned out alright I think.-J
Head Over Feet – Alanis Morissette (Morissette/Ballard)
I had no choice but to hear you
You stated your case time and again
I thought about it
You treat me like I'm a princess
I'm not used to liking that
You ask how my day was
You've already won me over in spite of me
Don't be alarmed if I fall head over feet
Don't be surprised if I love you for all that you are
I couldn't help it
It's all your fault
Your love is thick and it swallowed me whole
You're so much braver than I gave you credit for
That's not lip service
You've already won me over in spite of me
Don't be alarmed if I fall head over feet
Don't be surprised if I love you for all that you are
I couldn't help it
It's all your fault
You are the bearer of unconditional things
You held your breath and the door for me
Thanks for your patience
You're the best listener that I've ever met
You're my best friend
Best friend with benefits
What took me so long
I've never felt this healthy before
I've never wanted something rational
I am aware now
I am aware now
You've already won me over in spite of me
Don't be alarmed if I fall head over feet
Don't be surprised if I love you for all that you are
I couldn't help it
It's all your fault