Author: Ami Mercury
Title: Fallen Angel
Today I went to the ocean, and there while sitting on the beach thinking I discovered something; no matter how many marks you leave in the sand, the wind will always blow and cover up those inscriptions, may it be by other grains of sand, perhaps pebbles, or maybe even a leaf. And if you hold that same sand in your hand, no matter how hard or long you try to hang on to it, you can not keep it in your hand, it slowly falls out or you have to let go, even the smallest particles left are again blown away by the wind.
You were my sand; I wanted so badly to always be able to be with you, to hold you, to have some impact on your life. I thought that by being with you, that I was making myself happy, that my dreams were fulfilled, and that my life was complete. As minutes rolled into days, days into months, and months into years, I found myself being less and less happy, that joy that I experienced from being with you was wearing away. Slowly I began to feel as though my entire life revolved around trying to be happy while being with you, and feeling so fake when I forced that smile on my face and acted as though I was just as cheerful as the next person. I wanted so bad to feel as though those people I thought I placed most important in my life, felt the same way as I did, when in fact, I was just worried about myself. Upon my realization of this, I resolved that I needed to make myself glad, that I needed to stop caring about how those other people felt. I needed to find that place inside myself, the part of my life that makes me truly blissful.
The hardest part is discovering why I matter to others, and seeing the good in myself. For all my life I never thought I was pretty enough, or smart enough, or nice enough, to matter anything to anyone, let alone to find that special someone for me. I always thought it would be best if I just faded away, or just ended all my pain. In recent times I discovered that all the beauty both inside and out, it is not worth it, for it can all fade away, no matter how much makeup I put on, or how dressed up I can get, in the end it does not matter, for if I am a good person, my beauty is much deeper. The hardest part of this all is believing the later, to believe in myself. Maybe I'm just one of those fallen angels….