COPPERS ON THE BEAT: EPISODE ONE
Disclaimer: I am a Bill fan, but as I am also an Aussie, we are a tad behind in the episodes, so bear with me if I mention characters that have left the show. I also apologise if my representations of certain characters don't quite take your fancy.
NB: This is a satire, all a bit of a laugh, I love the Bill as much as you do.
**********************Just Another Day******************
" 'Ello Tone." " 'Ello Reg. Whats up?" " Not much Tone. Just wanted to ask you a favour." " Yeah, what's that Reg?" " Err...I was wondering if you could get off me foot. I didn't want to say anything as you were talking to Luke, but, well its beginning to hurt Tone." " Oh sorry Reg! I didn't know you were there!" " That's ok Tone. I know how it is." " Cheers Reg." " No worries. " Reg slowly extracted his left foot from underneath Tony Stamp's hoof and rotated it slowly. Luckily he was on the National Health. Reg limped down the corridor to Inspector Gold's office. He wanted to ask her a very important question. ............ " I was just wonderin' ma'am, if it would be at all possible to have a different brand of bleach to clean the men's locker room floor." Gina Gold stared at Reg for a good minute. "Why Reg?" "Because it is environmentally unfriendly. That and it smells a tad ma'am. I thought I should bring it to your attention." " Listen Reg. I don't know how to say this nicely. I am a senior police officer not a bloody char woman. If you have a problem with the floors you can either clean them yourself or get used to it." Reg's shoulders slumped an inch or two, but then again, there was always Superintendent Okaro. And with this thought in mind Reg left the office at a jaunty pace. " Needs help that one does." Gina muttered whilst furiously burrowng through her drawer for her packet of fags. "Where the bleeding heck are they?" "Where the bleeding heck is who ma'am?" Gina jumped up with a start at the sound of Kerry's voice. "Haven't you heard of knocking?!" Kerry looked confused at Inspector Gold's outburst. Then again, she always does have that stunned look on her face, so really it is hard to tell... " The door was already open ma'am, I just presumed...." " You just presumed did you? Well why you were here presuming, you should be out on the beat my love. And while you are there you can get me a packet of fags. I am clean out." " I am not your gofer ma'am." Kerry retorted. Gina Gold rolled her eyes mournfully. " Kerry. The least you can do is get me a packet of ciggerettes. I have to put up with your moaning about Luke all day, so do me a favour." " B-b-but. I came here to ask you-" " I haven't got time. I have to be in Okaro's office in two minutes. Tell me later and DON"T forget the fags." The door slammed shut and Kerry was left alone in the corridor. " Well that was rude." She slowly made her way to the canteen for some grub. Bugger the ciggerettes and bugger the burg' on the Camden Estate. ................. " Hiya love. How's your day been?" " Not too bad thanks Robbie. Until I bumped into the witch." Kerry rolled her eyes. " What? You saw DI Nixon? I thought she was in CID all day today?" Robbie looked on puzzled as she sipped her tea. "No Robbie," said Kerry, trying to be patient. "I meant Inspector Gold. She was a right cow to me earlier." Robbie shrugged. "Well you can act like a twat at times." " RObbie! I can't believe you just said that!" And with that she stormed off. "Ah well. " Thought Robbie munching on a tea cake. "At least now she knows." .................... "Hallo, Sun Hill Police Station, front desk. Oh hello. Yeah. Oh. Rightio. No. Really? You think so? Yeah I'll tell him. Oh for sure. I can't believe it. Alright then. See you." Robbie hung up the phone and continued to read the paper. DS Hunter had stopped at the desk. "Who was that Robbie?" "Oh what? Err...nobody." Robbie looked away. " It was about me wasn't it?" "What makes you think that Phil?" DS Hunter leaned in close to Robbie. " If you don't tell me wot it was about, I am going to tell Mickey you are a lesbian." Robbie gasped. "You wouldn't!" " I bloody well would. Now who was it?" " I am not telling." " Fine. I will tell Mickey." " Go on. Tell him. And I will tell Cindy you got your girlfriend preggers."
Phil paused. His hand frozen on the door. " How do you know that?!!" He was fuming. " I have my ways." Robbie said smugly. " Why you conniving little ..." " 'Ello Phil. How are you?" " Rack off Reg. I have things to do. I will talk to you later." He said pointing at RObbie who just rolled her eyes. What a lucky guess eh? Who would of known? " Oh Reg, your mum just called, she got a phonecall from New Scotland Yard. It seems that they have cleared up the debaucle concerning your neighbours. It turns out he wasn't a murdering raping paedophile." Reg paused. "Oh right. That's good news. I spose. I so thought he was." "Oh and your neighbour is suing you for slander and harassment." There was a pause. "Right then. Oh dearie me. Just another day then eh Robbie?" Reg said as he trudged out the door. "Sure is Reg. Sure is." Murdering raping paedo? Needs his head checked that one. .................
***Find out in episode two, what happens to Reg, will justice pervail? Will Phil be touted as the dickhead that he is? And will Kerry get those ciggerettes? Find out in......Coppers on the beat....episode two.
Disclaimer: I am a Bill fan, but as I am also an Aussie, we are a tad behind in the episodes, so bear with me if I mention characters that have left the show. I also apologise if my representations of certain characters don't quite take your fancy.
NB: This is a satire, all a bit of a laugh, I love the Bill as much as you do.
**********************Just Another Day******************
" 'Ello Tone." " 'Ello Reg. Whats up?" " Not much Tone. Just wanted to ask you a favour." " Yeah, what's that Reg?" " Err...I was wondering if you could get off me foot. I didn't want to say anything as you were talking to Luke, but, well its beginning to hurt Tone." " Oh sorry Reg! I didn't know you were there!" " That's ok Tone. I know how it is." " Cheers Reg." " No worries. " Reg slowly extracted his left foot from underneath Tony Stamp's hoof and rotated it slowly. Luckily he was on the National Health. Reg limped down the corridor to Inspector Gold's office. He wanted to ask her a very important question. ............ " I was just wonderin' ma'am, if it would be at all possible to have a different brand of bleach to clean the men's locker room floor." Gina Gold stared at Reg for a good minute. "Why Reg?" "Because it is environmentally unfriendly. That and it smells a tad ma'am. I thought I should bring it to your attention." " Listen Reg. I don't know how to say this nicely. I am a senior police officer not a bloody char woman. If you have a problem with the floors you can either clean them yourself or get used to it." Reg's shoulders slumped an inch or two, but then again, there was always Superintendent Okaro. And with this thought in mind Reg left the office at a jaunty pace. " Needs help that one does." Gina muttered whilst furiously burrowng through her drawer for her packet of fags. "Where the bleeding heck are they?" "Where the bleeding heck is who ma'am?" Gina jumped up with a start at the sound of Kerry's voice. "Haven't you heard of knocking?!" Kerry looked confused at Inspector Gold's outburst. Then again, she always does have that stunned look on her face, so really it is hard to tell... " The door was already open ma'am, I just presumed...." " You just presumed did you? Well why you were here presuming, you should be out on the beat my love. And while you are there you can get me a packet of fags. I am clean out." " I am not your gofer ma'am." Kerry retorted. Gina Gold rolled her eyes mournfully. " Kerry. The least you can do is get me a packet of ciggerettes. I have to put up with your moaning about Luke all day, so do me a favour." " B-b-but. I came here to ask you-" " I haven't got time. I have to be in Okaro's office in two minutes. Tell me later and DON"T forget the fags." The door slammed shut and Kerry was left alone in the corridor. " Well that was rude." She slowly made her way to the canteen for some grub. Bugger the ciggerettes and bugger the burg' on the Camden Estate. ................. " Hiya love. How's your day been?" " Not too bad thanks Robbie. Until I bumped into the witch." Kerry rolled her eyes. " What? You saw DI Nixon? I thought she was in CID all day today?" Robbie looked on puzzled as she sipped her tea. "No Robbie," said Kerry, trying to be patient. "I meant Inspector Gold. She was a right cow to me earlier." Robbie shrugged. "Well you can act like a twat at times." " RObbie! I can't believe you just said that!" And with that she stormed off. "Ah well. " Thought Robbie munching on a tea cake. "At least now she knows." .................... "Hallo, Sun Hill Police Station, front desk. Oh hello. Yeah. Oh. Rightio. No. Really? You think so? Yeah I'll tell him. Oh for sure. I can't believe it. Alright then. See you." Robbie hung up the phone and continued to read the paper. DS Hunter had stopped at the desk. "Who was that Robbie?" "Oh what? Err...nobody." Robbie looked away. " It was about me wasn't it?" "What makes you think that Phil?" DS Hunter leaned in close to Robbie. " If you don't tell me wot it was about, I am going to tell Mickey you are a lesbian." Robbie gasped. "You wouldn't!" " I bloody well would. Now who was it?" " I am not telling." " Fine. I will tell Mickey." " Go on. Tell him. And I will tell Cindy you got your girlfriend preggers."
Phil paused. His hand frozen on the door. " How do you know that?!!" He was fuming. " I have my ways." Robbie said smugly. " Why you conniving little ..." " 'Ello Phil. How are you?" " Rack off Reg. I have things to do. I will talk to you later." He said pointing at RObbie who just rolled her eyes. What a lucky guess eh? Who would of known? " Oh Reg, your mum just called, she got a phonecall from New Scotland Yard. It seems that they have cleared up the debaucle concerning your neighbours. It turns out he wasn't a murdering raping paedophile." Reg paused. "Oh right. That's good news. I spose. I so thought he was." "Oh and your neighbour is suing you for slander and harassment." There was a pause. "Right then. Oh dearie me. Just another day then eh Robbie?" Reg said as he trudged out the door. "Sure is Reg. Sure is." Murdering raping paedo? Needs his head checked that one. .................
***Find out in episode two, what happens to Reg, will justice pervail? Will Phil be touted as the dickhead that he is? And will Kerry get those ciggerettes? Find out in......Coppers on the beat....episode two.