DON'T KNOW WHAT I'M GOING TO DO BUT I JUST KEEP GOING THROUGH CHANGES
A/N: Part 2 to "Going Through Changes." This follows Sharon, Stan, and Shelley the first week through their new life. Hope you enjoy.
One week. It had been one week since Stan received the news his parents were getting a divorce. One would expect it to be the worst thing ever, and in ways, it was. Stan hated that he knew that's what his father wanted to talk about when he walked into his room one week ago and told him the bad news. It wasn't any easier when his mother had a talk with him the day after. So Stan was prepared. He was prepared with all he needed to know in order to move onto his new life. That week had gone by surprisingly fast for him, it was the fact that by then, nothing seemed to be going his way.
Randy had been quick to pack up his things. As soon as he told his kids what was going to happen did he and Sharon find a realtor to put 2001 Bonanza Street for sale. Randy worked tirelessly into the night to gather his belongings and pack it into a U-Haul. He would be staying with his half-brother Jimbo until he had time to find a place of his own. Meanwhile, Sharon had her own things to get together. While she and the kids began to put their own things in boxes she went out of her way to find a new home for them. She didn't want to burden anyone by staying at their house with both her children.
Luckily a friend of a friend found a realtor who helped her house-hunting. The friend was her best friend Abbie and knowing Sharon was under a lot of stress at the moment, offered to help choose a home with her. Like anything, a second opinion was always the best. Sharon had seen a total of seven houses before she found a place that seemed perfect.
"Are you sure you're ready to make an offer so soon?" asked the realtor to Sharon.
"Yes, I'm not looking for anything spectacular. I just need a home. But this house is beautiful and perfect and a great buy. With a little elbow grease I can really brighten it up," Sharon stood in the foyer.
"Sharon dear, this is a house. It's a huge commitment. Do you really want to be doing this to yourself and the kids?" Abbie had asked.
"Abbie, what's to say no to? Three bedroom plus office. Three bath. Island in the kitchen. And Stanley will love the backyard."
So it was settled, Sharon had placed an offer on the purple house and it had been accepted. Everyone was on a time crunch now so she had no chance to show Shelley or Stanley their new home just yet. But she knew they would love living there. Randy had talked to the kids on a Wednesday and by the following Sunday, he had packed up and moved out. Sharon stood at the front door as she watched him shut the U-Haul's ramp door.
"Well, this is it," he had sighed.
"Yes," was all Sharon could say.
Randy bent down to give his kids a hug. Shelley looked a little upset yet Stan was avoiding his father's eyes. "Don't worry kids, I'll see you this weekend okay? Remember, this is for the best. Trust me."
Trust him. Stan could have laughed right then if he hadn't forgotten how to do so. Only when Randy started up the U-Haul did he bother to look up. He didn't want to see his dad leave what used to be the Marsh Family House so he stepped inside where his sister and mother were. He still had a lot of packing to do himself although he could hardly do it. Sharon had the help of the Broflovskis and Stotches to wrap up the packing and loading into their own U-Haul. All the while Stan had sat on the stairs as he watched Mr. Broflovski and Mr. Stotch go up and down them, but there wasn't any sign of his friends. Not like he was expecting them since they had all decided to ditch him now. He just sat there, head in hands, doing nothing but blink as the house he had spent all his short life in was being loaded into a van.
Stan slept in his sleeping bag on his last night at his house and was woken up early in the morning by Shelley looking down at him.
"Mom wants to start putting away the last of the things in the van after she picks up breakfast from Wendell's Burgers. She wants to know what you want," Shelley said softly. Stan could hear the pain in her voice.
Stan shrugged and yawned. "Doesn't matter, everything pretty much tastes like shit now."
Shelley rolled her eyes. "I'll tell her you want a bacon and egg croissant since you like those."
Again, Stan shrugged. He had almost forgotten what bacon really tasted like anyway. When Sharon arrived with the quick breakfast she and the kids ate on the floor before it was time to leave this house for the final time. (Stan hardly ate his croissant sandwich). Again, the parents of Stan's friends showed up to help load and unload but Kyle, Cartman, Kenny, or Butters did not show up. Sharon did a walk-through of the house after the very last box was placed inside the U-Haul. She sighed as she lingered in the doorway of her children's rooms.
"So many memories… so many countless times I've scolded you after you did something to your brother and sent you here," Sharon said to Shelley who stood by her side.
Shelley looked at her old room sadly. Sharon turned to her son's bedroom and looked at its purple walls.
"All those nights I've spent, trying to get you to fall asleep Stanley…"
Stan hardly looked up, his face empty of emotion.
A tear rolled down Sharon's eye as she looked around the house. Too many memories. All would be difficult to leave behind but she knew this was the best thing for everyone. She couldn't live here in the house she was supposed to live and grow old with Randy in. Even if it was going to take a lot to move away, she had to. She had a beautiful new place to call home and with time it would be equally as hard to leave that one. At 9:00 Sharon went back into the house when she realized Stan was taking too long inside and had yet to jump into the car. She found him sitting on the wall of his bedroom, looking out his window.
"Stanley sweetie? We have to leave now," she said gently.
Two minutes past before Stan finally got to his feet; his eyes were glazed over but he didn't allow his tears to fall. Instead he took one last look at his old bedroom and allowed his mother to lead him out. He got into his mom's SUV and turned around to see the deep turquoise house grow smaller and smaller before they turned a corner and it was out of sight. He sighed as he faced forward in his seat. Sharon could sense her kids' uneasiness so she tried to lighten the mood.
"Now I know this will take some time to get used to but I think this is going to be a good change for us sweethearts," Sharon spoke. "The new house is close by so we will still be living in South Park, although just near the outskirts of the town. But close enough we will still be living in it and you can get to school easily and see your friends just as often."
At this Stan gripped his seat and swallowed a lump. Sharon sighed.
"Try to look at this in a positive way Stanley. I know you're really upset right now but you'll see: the new house will be just as nice."
Stan didn't answer back; he could care less about the new house. All he wanted was someone to talk to but he didn't have that right now. He felt he had no say in anything so it was just best to shut his trap and do whatever his mom asked him to. There was no point in arguing. No point in crying. No point in throwing a fit. It wouldn't give him the life he knew and loved back. It wouldn't give him anything he needed back.
It had been a short ten minute ride before the car stopped and Sharon turned it off.
"Well kids, this is it; this is our new home," Sharon said, trying to be upbeat.
His mother and sister stepped out so Stan felt like he had no choice but to do the same. He decided to look up: the new house was purple and had a nice yard with a small flower bed. There was a two-car garage and a small porch with a bay window. It was a cute house but Stan didn't want to like it, he was sure it was going to look shitty inside. Before Sharon had everyone bring in the boxes she took the kids on a tour of the house. There was a small sitting room/dining room that led into the kitchen which held an island. Stan noticed how scruffy the floors were and were in need of a good polish. The walls needed fresh coats of paint too. There was a living room and laundry by the garage. Sharon seemed excited to show Stan something and she led him back to the living room where sliding glass doors were.
"I wanted you to see the yard honey before I show you the bedrooms."
Stan sighed; he didn't give a shit about the yard but allowed his mom to pop the door open and lead him out. The yard was a good size, a bit narrow but there was plenty of room to run around. Sharon took him deep inside the grass.
"Look sweetie! The previous owners put in a set of swings! Isn't that great? And look- there's a sandbox too! Won't that be fun?" Sharon pointed out.
Stan blinked: they looked nice yeah but the flowers and bushes around the yard looked like poo.
"Well Stan? Do you like? Just think of how much fun you will have back here. It's a lot better than the old house. There was only a tree there with a clubhouse that- that- well…" Sharon bit her lip, knowing she had said too much.
Stan just stood there, not saying anything.
"I asked around and Mr. Broflovski said he would love to help expand the swing set if you want. He can put in a slide and some monkey bars or anything you want."
Stan just sighed and turned around and began to go back inside. Before he could run off into his own corner Sharon took him and Shelley upstairs. There was one bedroom to the right of the landing, a third bedroom, office, and bathroom to the left. The master sat in its own corner of the landing near both rooms. To try and make things easier for the two Sharon told her kids they could pick what room they wanted. Shelley immediately chose the one to the right so Stan was left with the other one, not like he cared, they were both the same size, his may be a bit larger even, and it wasn't the one that faced the front of the house.
Minutes into looking around the room did Stan hear the front door open and everyone's boxes and items began to arrive. Everyone worked tirelessly all day before finally calling it off near dinnertime. Stan had hardly done anything to help. It wasn't that he was being rude or ungrateful; he simply didn't know how to feel. The only thing he could do was follow his mother's directions, one which was to help Mr. Broflovski put his bed together in his room.
It was a little awkward to be in the presence of Kyle's father during that hour but then again, Stan hardly said anything unless spoken to anyway. The bed was the last project for the day. Gerald sat up and wiped the sweat from his forehead.
"Boy, that was almost as tricky putting together as it was taking it apart!" he exclaimed.
Stan just sat there staring.
Gerald faced him. "Well, your bed's all set Stan, you just need to dig in one of these boxes to find your sheets!" he chuckled but stopped when he saw Stan had not joined.
"Thanks," Stan said quietly and got to his feet.
Gerald frowned. "Say…I know your mother will want more help from us tomorrow. Maybe I can talk Kyle into coming over and helping too."
Stan's stomach churned. "No, you don't need to."
"I'm sure he would like to"-
"Please Mr. Broflovski, don't," Stan strained. Although his voice was hoarse from lack of use all day the man could still hear the urgency in the child's tone so thought it was best not to.
The house was empty of everyone but Sharon, Shelley, and Stan by seven. Sharon had ordered a pizza from Pizza Hut for a quick and simple dinner since everyone was exhausted by that point. The round breakfast table from their old house had been set up in its new area by the kitchen and together the three of them ate in near-silence. Stan had stared at his slice for a while, peeling off the pepperoni since they looked like little round piles of shit on the cheese and the overall pizza tasted like crap. He filled up on two glasses of Sprite instead before retreating to his new bedroom. An hour later Sharon had knocked on his door and entered the room to find him sitting on his mattress, staring into nothing.
"Stanley, why don't you start looking for your sheets and blankets okay? That way at least your bed can be ready tonight," Sharon suggested.
Stan merely shrugged. Sharon sighed.
"Is there anything you want me to do for you tonight honey? Anything that will make today feel a little… normal? Just name it and I will do it." She appeared almost desperate to get some sort of emotion or smile from her small son.
Stan tore his eyes off his wall and to his mother. "Can you set up my internet please?"
Sharon bit her lip; she wasn't the best when it came to technology and didn't know much about computers but if it would make Stan happy…she made a painful smile.
"Of course sweetie, let me get right on that."
It took over an hour to set up his computer and hook up the internet. It was close to ten P.M. by the time everything was finished. Stan's desk was not yet set up so Sharon rested the monitor on a stack of books. Stan immediately went on the floor to log on. Sharon bent down to give him a kiss.
"Don't stay up too long hon; we still have a lot of unpacking to do tomorrow."
"'Kay. Thanks."
"Of course. Hope you have… a good sleep tonight sweetie," Sharon trailed.
Stan looked at his hand. "Yeah. 'Night Mom."
The lights were off and Stan sat there on the new carpeted floor (which needed to be cleaned up), staring at the blank Yahoo screen. He knew what he wanted to do but didn't know if he should. What difference would it make? Suddenly he heard some barking nearby and looked out his bedroom window to see the unfamiliar new yard. Probably a neighbor's dog. He sighed; his room felt cold and he felt lost. Frowning, he decided to just go with it and opened up a draft for an e-mail.
Kyle:
There are so many things I want to shout at you but can't. Guess you know the latest from my end from your parents- my parents have split up. This time for good. I don't know if you care or not but you're my Super Best Friend. You're my SBF and you've fucking abandoned me to hang out with Cartman and Kenny when I need you the most. I'm desperate here Kyle, I feel so betrayed and alone in my mom's new house and can't go to anyone. Look, I'm sorry I'm ruining your dreams of 'fun and rainbows' but I can't fucking help it. Maybe you should grow a pair and HELP me rather than think of yourself for once. I'm desperate Kyle, I need you. I don't know how long I can go before I go insane completely.
Your SBF: Stan
Would it do anything or change anything? Highly unlikely but by this point Stan was fed up with how things were. He read his e-mail over again before hitting 'send.' All he had to do was wait to see if he was as alone as he felt.
The next day was spent with more unpacking from the family. Gerald had stopped by to help with more of the heavy lifting and putting together of the furniture. That whole day however Sharon did not want Stan out of her sight. As each day passed she grew more and more worried about him. She couldn't even remember the last time he laughed about something or finished everything off his plate. She had a feeling all the stress around him was causing him to be this way but she didn't feel any better about it. In the afternoon she had asked Stan to help her with her bedroom, just to keep an eye on him.
She opened a random box on the floor and saw its contents. She smiled to herself and pulled out an old yearbook.
"Wow, I haven't seen this in years." She flipped through it before turning to her son. "Do you want to see how Mom looked way back in seventh grade Stanley?" she asked, trying to keep things light.
Stan just stared at the floor. The silence was her answer that he wasn't in the mood to laugh- again. She dug through another box.
"Oh look sweetie"- she took out a blue onesie that sat on top. "It's my box full of all your baby memories. Do you want to-?"
Stan had still not looked up from the hardwood floor. Instead he said in a soft voice, "What do you want me to do next Mom?"
Sharon sighed and closed the box. "Why don't you go hang some of these towels inside my bathroom okay?"
Stan wordlessly took hold of four towels and went into his mother's master bathroom to do as he was told. And it continued on this way. He hardly ever looked his mom in the eye, just stood or sat there, waiting for instructions on what to do next. Sharon had found her blankets in a box and began making up her bed. She looked down to see Stan staring at his feet. She noticed a box of his things had wound up in her room. Maybe his own things would make him feel more comfortable. She picked the light box up and handed it to him- it must have been filled with his stuffed animals or something. Stan took the box from Sharon without saying anything or looking at her and walked out the room. It was going to take a while to get him to open up again and she didn't know if she could wait much longer.
The next day was Friday and Sharon wanted her kids to attend school, if only it was one of the two times they had that week. She had decided to drive them both there, especially since Shelley's high school was so close now. When Sharon pulled up to South Park Elementary she turned around to Stan who appeared not to have realized where they had stopped.
"I want you to try and have a good day today, okay sweetie?"
"Can't," Stan muttered.
"Just try. And try to eat something for lunch today. I heard it's Cheeseburger Day."
"Last burger I had tasted like shit."
"Stanley…"
Stan sighed and put his backpack over his shoulders. He allowed his mom to kiss him before he stepped out the car and looked up. He did not want to go to school today, school meant being in the same room as Kyle, Cartman, and Kenny, all three who had ditched him for their own happiness. It made his skin crawl and his mouth feel bone dry. He almost considered pretending to be sick in bed this morning, he felt sick to his stomach anyway so he'd hardly have to fake it. But he knew his mother wanted to distract him and get his life back to normal as soon as she could. He glanced left and right before walking inside the building.
After he put his things in his locker he took his usual seat in Mr. Garrison's class. The usual chatter was spreading as each kid walked in. His head then shot up when he saw those three boys walk in together.
"Man, I could have sworn she was a double D!" Cartman rang out.
"No dude, you're thinking of Miss Gertrude," Kenny pointed out.
Both boys spotted Stan and stopped talking. It looked as if Cartman wanted to say something but refrained. He just took his seat which was next to Stan's without any words. Kyle looked surprised to even see Stan in class, he had no idea really what had happened with him or if he still lived in South Park. He also looked like he wanted to tell him something but frowned, bit his lip, and took his seat. Stan sighed as he put his head in his hands; he wondered if Kyle ever got his e-mail. If he did then it obviously meant he still didn't want to be around him. It was like he was kicked in the nuts all over again.
The next six hours proved to be torture to Stan. Although he was trying to numb himself from the hurt of everything he still felt his eyes burn with tears as he walked out of school and spotted Sharon's parked SUV. He climbed in without a word.
"How was school today honey?" Sharon asked carefully.
"A bust," he choked out.
That was all she needed to hear. Shaking her head she started up the car and drove 'home'. When they arrived Sharon led Stan in the kitchen and told him she would make him a snack. Stan sat at the round breakfast table head in his hands.
"How does a blueberry bagel with cream cheese sound?" Sharon asked, reaching for a bag of bagels in the pantry.
"Like crap."
"Well maybe it will taste good this time." She took out half a slice. "Do you want yours toasted?"
Stan shrugged. Sharon knew he liked it both toasted and untoasted but decided to pop it in the toaster this time before lathering cream cheese on it. She placed it as well as a glass of milk in front of him. Stan looked at the chewy bread and sniffed. It smelled okay. He took a bite- it tasted shitty. He groaned and pushed the plate away before putting his arm over his face to hide it.
"It can't taste that bad Stanley," Sharon pointed out. She had taken a seat across from him with the other half of the bagel.
Five minutes passed before Stan looked up again. He gulped down his milk (one of the few things that still tasted as nice and sweet as always) before wiping off his milk mustache. "Can I just watch TV or something?"
"I guess so." Sharon watched him drag his body into the living room and plop himself on the sofa. She frowned as she watched his body move, as if he had some ailment sucking the child-like energy inside him. She put both their dishes away in the sink before going over to her son.
"I'm going to go in the office for a little while if you need me, okay?"
Stan didn't say anything. Sighing, Sharon went upstairs. Meanwhile Stan lay on the sofa, staring into the ceiling, not really thinking about anything in particular. Thinking meant a higher chance at feeling pain and he didn't want that. That night Stan got into bed, allowing his mom to tuck him in. He still enjoyed it although found it difficult to express his happiness as of now. Sharon pulled his blankets up and took his hand. Stan knew what this usually meant so he waited for the words.
"Stanley honey, something is going to happen in a couple days."
His mother always did this, deliver news he did not want just as she was tucking him in.
"What?" he said tonelessly.
"Stanley… I decided to call Dr. Davies' office and well, you have an appointment with him Monday."
The Stan Marsh everyone knew might have cried out and complained right then and there two months ago, but this time he stayed silent in his bed and just frowned.
"It's just a check-up baby. I'm worried about you. You are so down in the dumps and haven't been eating much."
"Because everything tastes like shit!" Stan said forcefully.
"I know but I still know you aren't your usual self. I just want to make sure there isn't anything else causing you to act this way. Mentally, I want to make sure you're okay too," Sharon said gently.
Stan wanted to tell her 'I'm not' but didn't. He just frowned as he snuggled into his bed. "I don't want to see Dr. Davies though Mom," he said quietly.
Sharon just kissed him. "I know. I know a lot is happening to you right now Stanley but I want to make sure you don't fall off the tracks before I can do something about it. It's just going to be a check-up. You'll be okay." She then bent down and placed something in his hands. It was his old lovey he still found comfort from in private. "Remember, if you want to get anything off your chest, just tell Ruffy okay? I don't want you holding things in like this anymore Stan."
With one last kiss, Sharon walked out. Stan sighed as he held onto the old stuffed dog, his mind blank of all emotion. What to do? How to feel? He didn't know. He just tucked the lovey under his blanket and watched the shadows on the ceiling move until it lulled him to sleep.
By Sunday Stan got a full taste of what his life would be like in the coming near future. That morning he had literally fallen out of bed and hit his head on his nightstand. Breakfast tasted like shit (those eggs looked like runny piles of crap), and his apple juice tasted that way too. Not long after breakfast did the dust and old carpeting kick up his asthma and he spent a good ten minutes trying to get relief from his breathing machine. He spent all day waiting for someone to take him away from the living nightmare but no one showed. His father had promised him and Shelley he would take them out for lunch that day but at the last minute backed out against it. Stan didn't know why but Randy did not want to see his kids yet. And it hurt, he had not seen his dad in over a week but apparently his needs didn't matter. They never did. Stan ate nothing for lunch that afternoon and Sharon went about the house, eyes on her son, growing all the more worried about his small food intakes. Stan even felt like a good smack around the head from Shelley would have been nice, just so he could feel something. But it seemed as if she was in her own mind and couldn't be bothered to hurt her own brother. It made Stan upset to know his sister was still hurting like he was.
Late that afternoon Stan decided it was best to distract himself somehow. He found his mom trying to busy herself in the kitchen with last-minute unpacking.
"I'm going out," he told her.
"Okay… be careful," Sharon told him. She wanted to say 'have fun' but knew it would be pointless.
Stan went out in his new backyard and tried to get his mind on other things. He took up a seat on one of the swings, not riding it but it had turned out to be his favorite place to sit and think. He looked behind him to see the sandbox with shovel and bucket inside. He had tried to entertain himself a couple days ago but playing in the sand was never any fun by himself. Near the swing set was his football. Again, he tried to have fun with it before realizing how pointless sports are if you had no one to play them with. He sat on the swing for close to an hour, simply staring at the sky. A different sky than the one back on 2001 Bonanza Street. The sun was shining but it hardly made a difference, it just looked like a pile of crap to him. He finally got off the bench and told his mother he wanted to 'go for a walk' before he shut the front door.
Again, it made no difference. He walked down the familiar streets of South Park trying to clear his head but thoughts of how shitty his life had become so soon kept plaguing him. He looked down at the ground sadly, not really caring where his feet led him. But that's when he noticed something- he could have sworn he saw a peculiar-looking duck cross his path. He turned around to take a double-look. The duck appeared to be wearing a little collar of some sort. When it turned around to look at him it gave a happy quack- but only to an outsider's point of view. For Stan, the duck simply sprayed crap in his face. Bummed that even animals had turned against him he found no reason to continue his walk.
Dinner was another shitty affair. Stan could only stomach a small portion of his mom's meatloaf (again, how painful for he used to love her meatloaf) and during the meal he had bit his tongue hard while chewing. He had turned in for the night early and wanted to cry that his mom tucking him in had none of the warm love it always had. It was as if his whole mind and body was giving up on him already. Sharon caressed his face before getting to her feet.
"You'll be okay soon enough baby," she told him before stepping out.
Stan sighed as he reflected on his life now. Tomorrow would be shitty since he had a doctor's appointment. His mother would not stop fretting over him. His father had not called or e-mailed him in days. He had still not gotten a reply back from Kyle which could only mean he didn't want to talk to him yet. He had had plenty of time now to e-mail him back but never did. Cartman or Kenny had been giving him the cold shoulder too. Food still tasted like crap and to be honest, Stan was starting to worry slightly too that he knew he had been losing weight. Shelley had not beaten him up all week which meant her heart was somewhere else at the moment too. And to top it off, he was living in a new house that did not feel like home yet and he didn't know how much longer he could go before completely breaking down.
Stan blinked as he put his hands behind his head and did what he had been doing recently, stare into nothing. He was only ten years old but he already felt as beaten, confused, betrayed, and lost as an old man and more painful yet, there was no sign that any of it was about to change.
There you have it, Stan's new life, until we find out what happens next in Oct. I still feel so bad for him and it is hard to write him do down on his luck. Let us all hope Stan gets the happy life he deserves soon! Please leave a review, I love knowing what people think!
Lots of love: Rose June 17, 2011