Devil May... Love
"Oh, Alexis…" said Vergil, the sun shining off his rippling, washboard abs. They reflected her beautiful, shining face like a mirror of eternal love. "I… have to tell you a secret. Even though I am a sensitive, caring male, I still worry that you will not accept it."
"But Vergil!" gasped Alexis, striding to his tall, muscular form and placing a tender hand upon its manliness. "You know that I could accept any reality you deigned upon me, even if it rendered me speechless with its utter unreality! Thereupon, let me bear the oxcart of your unspeakable truth."
"All right, Alexis." Vergil stated, his blue eyes shining like a bottle of window-washing fluid. His slate-grey hair was like an utter maelstrom of swirling passion, threatening to drown everyone in pure, unyielding beauty. It was also grey.
"I… want to be yours, like a festering mold is part of a piece of bread, like the way lovely Romeo and Juliet were together. Let our love echo to the far-flung reaches of the universe; let all who hear our declarations of everlasting passion go completely batshit insane from jealousy. I will be yours forever, for I am a fictional, one-dimensional character who is unable to die. Therefore, I can be yours until all the supernovas of the universe explode in a fiery display of our unbounded love, which will flame from one end of the galaxies to the other." Vergil knelt upon the dewy, soft, grassy hill that they were standing upon and adoringly looked up at Alexis.
"But Vergil… I'm a simple, beautiful, hilarious, sensitive yet tough, All-American, wholesome yet passionate girl who can also perform necromancy!" forcefully said Alexis. "But my life will end, like Justin Bieber's popularity and the educational system! What can I do! I cannot love another man; they are as fake as Paris Hilton's boobs!" Alexis cried torrents. Torrents of utter, pure despair that would make even the happiest Teletubby erupt into Earth-shattering sobs. They also drowned some puppies.
"Do not cry, my love. I have another secret." Vergil brushed a lock of pure steel sexiness off of his manly, sea-blue eyes. "I am… a vampire. Of eternal life. I will transfer my magic powers of everlasting mortality to you, like a mother bird regurgitates food into its chick's mouth."
"Oh, sweet Vergil! I never knew!" Alexis gasped so softly a million monkeys with a million glasses to the hypothetical wall that surrounded them would have never in twelve years heard her soft utterance. "Now we can be together, forever and ever! We will thrive and multiply upon the Earth like cockroaches!"
"Hold fast your lips and bosom, my eternal ray of sunlight." Said Vergil happily, holding Alexis' face with the tenderness of a rag of chloroform upon a woman's face. "I will kiss you like you have never been kissed before, and we will go to the Underworld to revoke your Death Pass."
"What is a Death Pass, lovely light of my soon-to-be-had eternal life?" Asked Alexis sweetly, tilting her head upward at a forty-six degree angle. "Is it like a subway pass, that horrendous piece of paper that grants the user a ride on the smelly disgusting thing known as public transportation? Oh, the disgusting old men on the subways and buses of the Earth! How I wish they would disappear!"
"Hardly, you miserable sod- I mean, delightful wench!" Vergil said swiftly, like a starling flying to its soft, downy nest. "It is the thingy that makes you die, that makes you lie your beautiful golden crown on the skin of the Earth and lie asleep forever. If I take it, you will never be able to die, and we will live in a golden palace of love with several shrubberies shaped like zoo animals around it."
"Oh, Vergil! That sounds utterly lovely!" Alexis sighed blissfully. "We must go do this wonderful, magical thing!" The happy little clouds above their hill floated on the power of pure, unyielding love.
"Yes, my dearest. Now, it is kiss time." Vergil kissed Alexis. Their lips touched in typical kiss fashion, and a magical ray of light surrounded both of them. Suddenly, they were in a dark, dank dungeon; dark like a black piece of construction paper on a black bear in a black-coloured campsite at midnight.
"This…" Vergil motioned to the black walls and black floor, both of which were coloured tastefully in black "… is the Underworld."
"Oh, dear!" Alexis shrieked. "None of these colours go with my outfit! Also, I am tremendously cold!" It was cold in the Underworld, even though traditional belief is held that the Earth has a molten core and therefore Alexis and Vergil should be roasting like orphans over a fire. Alexis' blood-red dress, sadly, clashed with the black walls.
"It will be all right soon, Princess of Love." Vergil replied, taking her hand and leading her down a hallway as long as a very long snake. "Soon, we will arrive at the Magical Room of Filing Cabinets, wherein lies your Death Pass, which we will burn with the fires of our love."
They came to the Magical Room of Filing Cabinets. Rows upon rows of filing cabinets stood like marble statues; forbidding and white. Vergil immediately swept to one of the cabinets and began to rummage through it like a badger.
"Here we go!" He yelled, a look of triumph written all over his fine, fine face.
"Oh, my!" Replied Alexis, happy as a bucket of kittens. "Let's destroy it, Vergil!"
Suddenly, Dante leaped out of a wall, breaking several rules of physics in the process, and stabbed Alexis through the heart with his pinky ring.
"Oh, mysterious adopted twin. Let us be together forever!" Said Vergil, overcome with joy that Alexis was finally dead.
"kk lol" said Dante. And then they adopted many deformed babies.