Disclaimer: I don't own any of the Dawson's Creek characters, and am just borrowing them for personal use :) I promise to return them in the condition in which they came to me.
Rating: A Pacey/Andie fanfiction. It falls between Season Two and Season Three, when Andie was away, before 'the affair' (a.k.a. The Unspeakable).
"Crash and Burn" was written by Daniel Jones and Darren Hayes, and is not mine.
Crash and Burn
Why does it seem that some people can only get so happy in their lives, before everything crashes? It's almost as thought there was a greater force somewhere, a divine fate who controls our lives, as though we were marionettes.
I mean, take my life for an example. My family was so happy in Providence, when Tim was still alive. We were the "nuclear family", well to do, with happy parents and well-behaved teenaged children. But that one night ruined it all. The night Tim lost his life, and my entire family fell apart.
Mom was the first to go - at least physically. Dad was hurting, but he buried himself in his work to hide the pain. And Jack and I - we missed Tim more than anything. But with dad always on business trips, and Mom's deteriorating health - I had to be the strong one. It was really only a matter of time before I, too, broke down.
But this is supposed to be my journal - not a chronological look at the problems of my life. Still, there really isn't any other way to lead into everything without getting into - well - everything!
Sometimes it can get so lonely here. Sure, how can I get lonely surrounded by a ton of people who are in my same situation? That's why dad insisted that I come here, and why Pacey agreed to let me out of his sight for more than a day.
A summer. That's how long I've been condemned. An entire summer spent here in this room, doing the same things over and over. They allow the occasional letter, but no phone calls, and no visitors. The headmistress here (almost like it's a convent or something!) runs a tight shift. She insists that it is "for the best" that I have minimal contact with the outside world. And I guess I do see their point. Since their motto is practically "heal thy self", they think that the outside world can influence us negatively and push us back into the darkness.
But there I go off topic again. One of the counselors suggested that I start this journal to put my feelings into - to keep a record of my 'progress'. But the scary, and almost unnerving thing, is that I don't think there's been any 'progress' to report.
I mean, the counselor insists that I have, and that I am getting better - but recovery is way overrated. Especially with depression.
Depression. It's still difficult for me to believe this is what I have, what I suffer from. I always associated depression with unhappy people, people who couldn't live their lives normally, because they were so distraught with themselves. But I guess that's where the learning has come in. The stereotypes were shattered when I was diagnosed with depression. It's almost as thought it's a disease; some people are more susceptible to it than others, and some people can keep it hidden within them so well that nobody can tell. I guess that's what I did.
I knew that my responsibilities out weighted my problems, so I pushed them away. Or so I tried. They tell me that's one of the most dangerous things to do - to keep the feelings, the frustration and the pain all pent up like I did.
One of the girls here, Katie, she's suffered from the disease for more than two years now. But she's kind of the exception to every rule ever invented - she comes from a good family, was untouched by major tragedy, and up until her diagnosis, she had enjoyed her life. It's her I feel sorry for - her who was really victimized by this horrible condition. Sometimes I think I've brought my condition on, that the memories and the loss of Tim have just manifested in my brain; that I've caused myself these breakdowns. Katie had no choice.
But Katie is getting better. Her progress is slow, but at least she's getting there. I feel like I'm standing still, as though I'm just stuck in the ground like a peg that someone has forgotten over the years, and has been cemented where it stands.
To me depression seems like a wave - something that can make you believe it's gone, that can actually go away, but that will always return. I've already been in this remission once, and the last time I fell out of it pretty hard.
I had gone off the meds, and was actually doing well. But slowly, the symptoms returned and so did the depression. My wave had come back in.
If anything has kept me going this past year, it has been Pacey's constant love and his belief in me. I've been a dope too, I've done so many stupid things and have put our relationship in the line of fire more than once. But Pacey always comes back to me.
Two months. That's how long it's been since I last saw Pacey, since I heard his voice, and saw his beautiful face. He tells me he's not good at writing letters, so he hasn't penned anything just yet. Sometimes I just wish he'd send something. A blank card or a piece of paper with a scribble on it. Anything to let me know he's still out there, and hasn't forgotten me.
He's my constant, he's my life. I don't know what I'd do if he ever left me. Sure, I'm dependent on him, but everyone deserves someone in their life which to cling to - don't they??
I feel like the walls are closing in on me, like the monsters in my head are going to take over at any moment. As though every second I spend alone here, is a moment I spend away from him. What if he finds somebody new while I'm in here? What if she sweeps him off his feet, and when he realizes that I'm not 100 better, he dumps me for her??
I hate to think these things, but they weigh heavy on my mind. Dad's only paid for my two months here, so as of next week I'll be sent back home to Capeside. Sometimes I just want to scream at them here. To insist that they don't know what they're doing, and that I'm not getting better. To insist that they put me into a full institution until I can get better.
I mean, it's taken Katie 2 years to begin healing - what does that say about my prognosis? And I promised Pacey that I'd get better for him - that I'd continue to be with him. So what if I don't? What if I never fully recover, and never get better? Would Pacey hate me?
I wish he'd write.
Andie got up from her desk, and tucked her small notebook into the drawer. As she was preparing to go down for lunch, one of the nurses knocked on her door.
"Got something here for you, Andie."
Andie graciously accepted the small white envelope from the woman, and thanked her. She sat down on her bed and stared at it. The envelope was addressed to Miss Andie McPhee, and was postmarked Capeside, Mass.
Her heart raced as she tore it open, trying to convince herself that it wasn't the usual letter from Jack, or the payment from her father.
She set eyes upon the simple, hand written pages, and began to read:
My Dearest Andie,
When you feel all alone
And the world has turned its back on you
Give me a moment please, to tame your wild, wild heart
I know it feels like the walls are closing in on you
It's hard to find relief, and people can be so cold
When darkness is upon your door and you feel like you can't take anymore …
Let me be the one you call
If you jump, I'll break your fall
Lift you up and fly away with you into the night.
If you need to fall apart,
I can mend a broken heart.
If you need to crash, then
Crash and burn
You're not alone.
When you feel all alone
And a loyal friend is hard to find.
You're caught in a one way street,
With the monsters in your head.
When hopes and dreams are far away, and
You feel like you can't face the day…
Let me be the one you call
If you jump, I'll break your fall
Lift you up and fly away with you into the night.
If you need to fall apart,
I can mend a broken heart.
If you need to crash, then
Crash and burn
You're not alone.
Because there has always been heartache and pain,
And when it's over you'll breathe again
You'll breathe again
When you feel all alone
And the world has turned its back on you
Give me a moment please,
To tame your wild, wild heart…
Let me be the one you call
If you jump, I'll break your fall
Lift you up and fly away with you into the night.
If you need to fall apart,
I can mend a broken heart.
If you need to crash, then
Crash and burn
You're not alone.
Andie hugged the letter to her heart, and for the first time in the last two months - she smiled.
By Kimber Katie, April 20th, 2000
"Crash and Burn" is copyright Darren Hayes and Daniel Jones.