AN: Okay, I'll still probably upload here. (: If you still read Clack and enjoy this, leave me a comment down below. Cross-posted in AO3. I posted the link in my bio.
Zack rarely smiled after that incident in the mansion, Cloud had realized. He felt saddened seeing the melancholy in his face. He looked distant. He felt distant. He really doesn't know what to do about it either. If only he understood more—but his own mind felt like an empty, hazy void. If only he can understand Zack more, then maybe they can talk about the things that makes him hurt, and the things that makes him smile. If only he was more like Cloud—then he would probably be smiling at him right now.
But he guessed he wasn't really, truly, Cloud.
He wanted to reach for his hand and touch him, his warm hands that were larger than his, and his face that inexplicably draws him in. He wanted to look into his eyes that resembled the skies. But every time he did so, a look of pain swells from within the brunet and he looks away, leaving his heart constricting in pain. He wondered if Cloud also felt the same way. Are all these feelings his as well? He may not understand all these right now but he thinks there is something he can be sure of.
He was painful to look at, that is. He is probably the one causing Zack too much pain.
There was a small budding fear that was constantly growing inside of him. Not of the tanks, or those people in white clothing, but of Zack's eternally unsmiling face and turned back. He feels like he was going to disappear anytime from his sight, leaving him behind, alone once more in a world he didn't quite understand.
.
There is turmoil inside of him. A large part of it was Cloud's absence, the other is his presence. He thought that day he'd stop breathing but here he was, still alive but slowly dying inside. These strong feelings of guilt and longing were eating at him slowly, he could go insane. He cannot keep on projecting it towards him. He was so painfully innocent, like a child. His mind screamed at him every time to take advantage of it but he just can't do it.
Tseng was right. He wasn't really Cloud, his Cloud. He died that day in his arms and he isn't coming back. He cannot look at him anymore straight in the eyes and pretend that he was the same person. He cannot look at him and just forget the other. It felt so wrong.
It was extra difficult when he's the one taking care of him. It's really hard when the blonde looks at him like—like he was his important person.
His heart clenched as he walked slowly towards the blonde. He was sitting quietly by the windowsill, watching the world outside with his usual child-like wonder. His wound had already healed, and it left no scars, like it never even happened. He fought the revulsion in his gut as images of that day resurfaced on his mind. Cloud immediately turns to him as he stood near, a small smile forming in his beautiful face. His large, blue eyes sparkled.
It hurts to look at him. Yet Zack still instinctively reached out, unsure hands caressing his soft blonde hair and smooth cheek.
Stop.
Don't—
Don't do it.
His mind was screaming once again.
His smaller hand touched his in return, and it felt invitingly warm. A frown settled on the brunet's face and he grasped the blonde's arms gently, making him stand. He gathered him close and pulled him in a tight embrace, fingers digging on his back, nose nuzzling his spiky, soft hair. He feels the other's arms as it encircled him in return and he squeezed a bit tighter. Zack felt like his heart was getting squeezed to death. He leaned in to the blonde's ear and he can feel him shiver a little.
"These feelings.. aren't for you—"
Zack released the blonde, pushing himself away from him. There was only confusion in his deep blue eyes, and his hands uncontrollably reached out to cup his face. The blonde's eyes fluttered into half lids as it avoided his, and he leaned forward, his lips grazing against the other.
He wanted to feel his lips against his. The blonde closed his eyes in surrender.
He can't do it.
He can't—
.
They haven't been sleeping on the same bed anymore. Zack always slept on the sofa and gives him the bed. The bed felt bigger, and he felt lonely. They have been going from one place to another since they have left that town from the mountains. Zack had told him they will reach his mother's place soon enough, and they would stay there for the time being.
They eventually got there and Cloud had never seen such a bright, sunny place before. The small town was enveloped by thick forestry and steep hills, tucking it neatly away from sight.
It still looked the same way when he left, five years ago, Zack thought, as they trudged their way along the dirt path leading to his home town. It was nostalgic to see the brick-walled houses and watch the gentle white smoke drifting into the wind from the chimneys.
The peace and quiet in there was deafening.
"Where's the old man?" Zack asked, giving his mother a hug.
"The usual. He's out at the sea somewhere." She replied, smiling warmly at him, gaze then travelling to the blonde behind Zack.
"This is Cloud by the way." Zack said, urging the blonde to come closer. Her mother gave him a welcomed smile as well, and he felt relieved. Cloud looked a bit nervous and he unconsciously caressed his back, soothing him. He felt him relax in his touch, and he pulled his hand away quickly before he thought of doing more than necessary.
Cloud seemed to have acclimated to the place fortunately after a few days of rest, all thanks to his mother that welcomed them with open arms. He wasn't the most obedient of sons out there, Gaia knows this—and he felt guilty for troubling her once again, but he was going out of options.
"I'll leave him to you. Please take care of him for me? I just can't right now.. Please mum—" Zack pleaded his now aged mother, his face broken from emotions he's desperately trying to hold in. His mother nodded in understanding and reached into his face, caressing his cheek. He leans into it, closing his eyes. He wanted to cry.
"My poor son—"
Cloud does not understand completely, but the tight, heavy feeling in his gut told him that Zack was leaving. He was leaving him behind. He stood quickly from where he was seated and sprinted by the door.
"Zack—" The blonde called out, voice strained from the knot that formed in his throat. He felt the hot tears that were threatening to spill from his eyes as he tried to reach his hand out to his turned back but he was held back gently by the old woman, her warm hands on both sides of his arms, keeping him in place. He glanced at her face with his large, reddening eyes and she smiled at him with sadness. A frown formed in his face and he whipped his head back to the brunet, calling his name once again.
"Zack.."
But he didn't turn around. He wanted to see his face, but he couldn't. Zack started walking away, his back forever turned away from him. Silent, hot tears came running down his cheeks and his vision blurred. He could only make sense of his dark silhouette that was gradually becoming smaller.
Zack had not looked back once.
..
.
Zack like it here better, he thought, as he drowned himself at the noises of this ironed-fortress of a city. The noise and the busy streets make him forget a lot of things that he just doesn't want to think about at the moment. How absurd it was, to find peace in such a chaotic place. He isn't exactly sure what he'll do here from now on either, for his mind is too convoluted to form some kind of short term goal. But he guessed he needed to find work first and foremost.
"What kind of trouble did you get yourself into this time?" She asked in a playful manner, but the look in her eyes tells him she was greatly concerned otherwise. He hasn't got the opportunity to tell her all about Cloud before and they just ended up drifting apart. They had not seen each other since, until now.
"Why don't we go grab dinner instead? Like the old times." The brunet said, smiling at her despite of himself. He was being selfish but he hoped she'll give him a chance for he felt really miserable at the moment.
Aerith knew. She can still remember that day long ago when she saw the look on his face and the sparkle in his eyes—that he was in love, but with somebody else. Who that person was, she really didn't know and she didn't dare ask. She was too afraid to know either way. She was afraid that he'll confirm it, right there and then, leaving her heart wide open and broken.
She had let him go, and he never came back. He didn't explain either. It sure did hurt for a while but it was all in the past. He was the one hurting now.
Fate is such a cruel thing, isn't it?
"Alright. Let's meet later then. I have to work right now." She finally said, giving him a strained smile. A look of relief flooded his face. Aerith hoped she was making the right decision.
.
She felt sad seeing him like this. Her motherly instincts had grown stronger as the days passed, watching the blonde boy she was caring for. She cannot count the times he had bursted crying out of nowhere. She guessed he was missing Zack that much. It looked like Cloud was deeply attached to his impudent son. If she only knew sooner, she could've scolded him and made him stay. How can he leave this boy behind?
She sighed in relief as the blonde stopped crying in silence, wiping away the tears in his face. His presence was becoming too endearing; she wanted to protect him herself. She shook her head and realized that this was probably the exact reason why his son had left.
"Cmon' now Cloud, I told you already right? He'll come back for you no matter what. I'm sure of it." She reassured the boy, ruffling his blonde hair. Cloud nodded weakly in response, his wide blue eyes fluttering downwards, averting hers. She gave him a small hug and smiled as he returned it, patting his back.
More days had passed and it seemed like the blonde was doing a lot better. He had found something that brought happiness back into his eyes and she felt happy as well—even if it was just because of the neighbour's dog. He was like a child that she needed to take care at first but he seemed to be growing up nicely at his own pace, needing less and less of her guidance. It felt the same way it did when she watched Zack grow over the years, until he told her one day that he wanted to pursue being a Soldier and eventually left. That day will surely come as well when Cloud leaves to stand on his own and pursue the very thing that he wanted, but for now, she will be watching over him from afar.
Cloud chuckled as he got licked on the face, petting the soft, thick fur of the mutt. It was always rambunctious and playful towards him and it makes him feel all fuzzy inside. It follows him everywhere, always seeking his attention. And so they always end up playing together instead, running to and fro the town, or playing fetch. Mrs. Fair had taught him how to. He was really happy that they let him play with him.
He really loved this dog. He still misses Zack, but at least now he can think of some other things than him. But he still can't help it when his mind wanders to him and where he is, or what he was doing, or when he will come back. And when he thinks about these things, he becomes afraid, remembering only his back that was turned against him. He snaps out of his train of thoughts as he heard the dog's whining beside him, as it tried to get his attention once more. Cloud smiled softly to it in return, scratching its fur.
"Let's go to that place!" Cloud exclaimed excitedly, standing from the edge of the dirt path.
He had been having dreams lately of Zack and other things.
Things that he thought he'd seen before.
The lush greenery that surrounded the village drastically thinned as he neared his destination. Mrs. Fair had warned him not to go near it but he wanted to see if it was the same as the one he had dreamt of. He stood by the end of the dirt path, eyes wide. The looming structure before him looked the same. A Mako Reactor, is what it's called, Cloud thought, as he fought the urge to not go near it. It was definitely the same thing, he thought, though the one that he dreamt of was blanketed in white. The thoughts felt foreign inside of him. Was it Cloud's dream, or his?
He isn't sure—but, he can see Zack's handsome, smiling face, vivid and clear against the white snowy plains.
. .
.
Zack stood from one of the pews to go sit in front of the flower bed instead. It always fascinated him every time he went here, seeing something so lively in a place that should've been devoid of living things. It suited her very much, he thought, the first time he saw Aerith. Too pure for this world. And then there he was, trying to exploit it the moment he laid his eyes on such things.
He guessed he needed to stop seeing Aerith before he does something stupid and hurt her as well. He'll be out friends sooner than later if he keeps on fucking everything up. He cannot loathe himself more than he already does. Zack was jolted out of his musings as he heard someone enter, light footsteps echoing inside the silent church.
"What are you doing here?" The voice asked. A frown grew on his forehead. Zack only turned to face him, not bothering to stand up.
"I'll ask you the same thing."
"Shinra is keeping their eyes on her. I'm here to make sure she's safe." The Turk replied as he walked deeper inside, and towards the Soldier.
"Really? How nice of Shinra to do that." Zack replied sarcastically.
"You know you shouldn't be here." The brunet did not reply and the turk can feel the forming uneasiness inside the building.
"Where's Cloud Strife?" He asked, and Zack's facade closed off entirely.
"He's dead. Happy now?" He replied, standing up. Tseng's eyes widened in return. He cannot ignore the hurt and anger that passed over the Soldier's face. It was too much.
"You'll end up the same way if they find you." The Turk replied, not able to hide his concern. Zack just gave him one final look before he walked past him, leaving him behind.
"Go tell them then. Do what you want."
..
.
Melancholy settled in his eyes as he stared at the vast seas that stretched out before him. He cannot see anything beyond the horizon but the deep blue waters and the waves, rolling back and forth. He had ventured farther away today from the village and the Mako reactor, to the sandy beaches beyond.
"Do you want to cross the seas?" The boy asked as he stood beside him, big eyes curious. Cloud's gaze fell on him and the child smiled, his friendly demeanour showing.
"I want to go somewhere beyond the sea." The blonde replied, hands clasping behind his back. He felt a bit embarrassed telling another person his simple wish. The boy beside him only grinned wider, eyes sparkling in the morning sun.
"I wanna go too! When I grow up, I'll go the city!" He replied, his voice dream-like. His face fell a bit when he didn't reply anymore, and so he reached out, placing a hand on the child's unruly hair. His smile reappeared and he felt a bit better.
"I've never seen you before. Your hair is so light and you're so pale.. Where are you from? Are you sick?"
The blonde guessed that he looked too different compared to his dark hair and tanned skin. It made an image appear in his mind and the heavy feeling crept back into him. He doesn't know anymore whether or not what his mind shows him is true or not.
"I'm from—" Cloud trailed off, a foreboding feeling churning in his gut. He shouldn't be here, shouldn't he? His heart was beginning to race and his blue eyes widened as he stared at nothing. The curious boy beside him only cocked his head to the side, waiting for his answer.
"I'm from Nibelheim."
..
.
"What do you think you're doing?" Aerith exclaimed as panic coursed through her body. She felt like she was dealing with a very reckless child. If only she had access to a higher grade materia, but it was next to impossible there in the slums. Shinra had hoarded it to themselves, after all.
"Sorry—" Zack replied, chuckling humourlessly. He repressed the urge to groan from the pain, feeling the warm blood soaking his clothes. She grimaced in response, looking at his injured state. She sighed deeply and activated the low grade materia in her hand. It enveloped him in a gentle, green aura. It wouldn't help with his deep wounds that much, but it can help with the bleeding at least, for he was surely bleeding a lot.
"Do you have a deathwish or something?" She asked sternly, pressing a clean cloth in his torso. Zack almost flinched with the tone of her voice. He had never seen her get angry like this before. Her mother would get equally angry if she brought him home. This would have to do.
"You can't keep on doing this—"
Zack stared at the frown on her face and felt guilty. She was right. He cannot keep on hurting people around him. Sure he was hurting as well but he shouldn't really be a jerk about it and involve them. But he doesn't know what to do either. He guessed, deep inside, he just wanted to be saved.
"I'm sorry—"
..
.
She would surely get angry once again, he thought, as he lay on the ground amongst the debris of the Mako reactor that was now broken. He didn't actually think that Avalanche was this serious about blowing it up, but he guessed he didn't really care that much either. His ears were ringing. The explosion was powerful enough to send him flying out in the air like a ragdoll. His whole body hurts. He probably had broken some of his bones here and there. A wave of guilt coursed through his body once again as he thought of what they have done. A blast that big would destroy anything in its immediate vicinity.
He wondered if the others in the group survived. He only did because he's a Soldier.
He gazed up at the gloomy skies, eyes darkening. He wanted to see his face so badly. It was the cold, damned, truth. He was trying so hard to run away when all he wanted was to see his face and touch him instead. Angeal would be disappointed. A small smile stretched on his face. He will surely be captured by Shinra if he stayed here another minute, but he felt like was about to lose consciousness.
"Cloud—"
His name rolled out of his tongue as he mustered an image of him in his mind. He had made him cry. He cannot forget that day when he turned around to leave and he heard his broken voice, calling him. He cannot dare to spare one look at him. He won't be able to leave. He wished with all his heart that he was doing fine, without him.
..
.
Aerith had not seen him for some time now. He had stopped coming to the church either and she hadn't heard anything from him since. He disappeared just like he did before. Not even a goodbye. Should she feel disappointed? Angry? She released a sigh as she trimmed the ever blooming flowers in the church, carefully placing it in her basket. Life goes on as usual, and she cannot keep on dawdling on such things. She halted suddenly as she heard a flap of wings from above. It's common for birds to drop from time to time and it makes her feel happy when they do so. Her green eyes gazed towards the hole above and her heart skipped a beat.
It was a person—and he was sitting against the beams of the broken ceiling. His golden blonde hair was glowing softly against the gloomy afternoon light. A lone, white wing hung on his back. It looked beautiful. A look of wonder was etched on his equally beautiful face. They looked at each other and he then went down in a flutter of a wing, feet gracefully landing on the floor. He has the bluest of eyes she had ever seen.
"May I help you?" She asked, as he stood in front of her.
"Flower girl." He replied, and what looked like a sense of understanding dawned upon his face. Aerith didn't understand but she smiled, hearing his gentle voice. He wasn't dangerous at all.
"Yes. What can I do for you?" She asked and he walked ever closer, finally sitting in front of her in the flower covered floorboards. He was gazing at it with fondness like a child's. He looked rather young as well with his simple clothing, probably even younger than her.
"I remember.. He told me about a flower girl by the church in the slums."
Aerith's eyes widened in surprise. She remembered as well that there was no other person who would call her like that but Zack. Do they know each other?
"Zack?" She asked, hesitantly. The blonde nodded, a small smile forming in his face. She felt more confused, yet a sense of relief rushed through her.
"Are you looking for him?" He nodded once again and she sighed, for in the end, Zack had not said anything. Nothing at all.
"I think.. I might find him here. At Shinra."
A frown grew on her face. It had always been Shinra. Does he want to be a Soldier as well? He looked a bit out of place in a world of soldiers. He looked—fragile.
"Are you his friend?" She asked finally. The smile has totally gone from his face, replaced with undeniable sadness.
"I—I don't remember. I don't remember that much.." The blonde replied, voice hushed and broken. His blue eyes fell on hers and an urge to comfort him welled inside her. Aerith restrained herself from doing so.
"What's your name?"
..
.
Another day had ended, he thought as he stretched his limbs, his tired muscles protesting. He looked at the skies that was painted orange and felt a sense of nostalgia and longing—but for what, he didn't exactly know. He dismissed the thoughts and the feelings immediately. He should just focus on work and Soldier instead. Maybe he'll just think about this when his mind isn't like a jumbled haze of a mess. He dismissed his squad and sent them on their way. He didn't exactly feel like going back straight to the headquarters himself, and decided that he'll just eat out.
He wandered aimlessly amidst the throngs of people in Midgar, letting his feet drag him wherever. He doesn't want to admit it, but the noise in the city drowned the overwhelming emptiness that he felt inside. Sometimes he just can't bear it anymore when he was alone in his quarters, tossing and turning in his bed. It was too much. It's like there were gaps in his mind and his memories just fail him. He felt like he was forgetting a lot of things—important things. He felt like he's gonna go crazy. He stopped in his tracks as he neared a familiar store, and something caught his eyes.
He was sprinting towards his direction, golden blonde hair like a beacon. There were flowers in his hands. He stopped in front of him and his widened eyes were like the ocean. There was a look on his face that he cannot quite understand, and a vague feeling fluttered in his gut. He smiled at him automatically, head cocking slightly to the side.
The blonde boy's eyes seemed to sparkle in return, and it made his heart do weird things. The look on his beautiful face made him think of a puppy. He fought the urge the scratch his head in the sudden consciousness he felt. Yes, he thought of him as beautiful. Who is this adorable person?
"Do we know each other?"
He asked, still staring at the blonde's blue eyes. What looked like hurt and shock then passed his beautiful face and he panicked, reaching out to him instinctively. His hand gently touched his smooth cheek and the blonde unconsciously leaned to it, making his heart skip a beat. The boy's eyes fluttered downwards, and he tucked his hands at his back. He shook his blonde head from side to side, his voice a mere whisper.
"I guess not.."
He cupped his face gently with his gloved hand, making him look back at him. He doesn't understand, but his heartbeat was racing. Something told him from deep inside to capture this moment and not let go. He gave him another smile, and the blonde smiled back, finally, though it looked completely broken.
He wondered what makes him hurt this way. Will he tell him if he asked?
"I'm Zack. What's your name?"
He returned, his hand travelling to his soft, blonde, locks. He ruffled it gently and he seems to get flustered, as he averted his large blue eyes from him once more. His heart clenched. Had he always felt this strongly before?
Something nagged at him from the back of his mind, screaming words that cannot be heard.
"I'm Cloud.."
Zack placed both hands in his smaller shoulders, gripping him gently. He cannot control himself as he took one step forward, and nuzzled his blonde hair. His heart was beating so loud.
"Zack?"
He called out, confusion in his soft voice. Zack felt as his fingers gripped him tighter and he felt utter frustration. There must be something—something that he had forgotten.
His heart was being squeezed to death. He closed his eyes and breathed him in.
"Don't leave—"
Zack heard him say, the hurt in his voice crushing him. The world around them seems to disappear.
.
Do you get scared when I leave?
.
Zack eyes shot open and he gathered him close in an embrace. He felt like crying. He felt utterly foolish.
"I won't—"
"I won't.."
..
.