A Ladd In Domino (AU parody/humor)
Yami is a thief on Domino's streets, accompanied by his friend Tristan. Seto is an evil advisor to a clueless mayor, and he wants to rule. So Seto uses Yami to find the Millennium Puzzle and take over the city. But EVERYTHING GOES TOTALLY WRONG!
Warning! violence, screaming humor, and HORRIBLE AMOUNTS OF S'MORES! RUN FOR YOUR LIVES!
Pairings: eventual accusations of Yami/Tea
Hello! Welcome to my very first attempt to parody something! YAY!! (starts flinging rock-hard confetti)
Anyway...I AM YOUR HOSTESS, THE LOVELY, PURSE-SIZED DAMSEL OF DISASTER!! ALSO KNOWN AS SORA ASAGI! But you may call me...SORA-CHAAAAAN! I will be bringing to you chapter after chapter of hard-boiled action, dramatic horror, and tear-jerking romance!
...NOT! It'll just be some random screaming humor, and some kinda plot thing yeah. I was going to do another one-shot...some hilarious thingy about Yugi wishing he were taller and becoming a freakishly tall...well, freak. But the IDEAS SIMPLY DID NOT FLOW! So I decided to jump into one of those chapter-type story things.
Now, before I forget again...I DO NOT OWN YU-GI-OH OR ANY OF THE CHARACTERS. AND I DON'T OWN ALADDIN OR ANY OF THE CHARACTERS. AND I DON'T OWN THE WHITE HOUSE OR ANY OF THE--oh, wait, that has nothing to do with this! But anyway...
TO THE MADNESS!
Note: "Sentences like this are in Spanish unless specified."
1: The Good, The Bad, And The Whitewheat
"Oh, we come from a land
An out-of-the-way place
Where the caravan taxis roam
Where we might cuss you out
If we don't like your face
It's barbaric, but hey, it's home
When the wind's from the east
And the crowd's from the west
And they're showing The Price Is Right
Come on down, to our side
Where you can pimp your ride
It's yet another Domino Night!
A Domino Night!
Like a Domino Day
The streets are all filled
With life never stilled
That gets in your way
A Domino Night!
Cars stolen every day
I don't know the words
But I know you've heard
This song the old way..."
As the silver minivan screeched to a halt, the girl with her head hanging out the window, singing terribly off-key, was thrown to the ground as her ancient-type great uncle got out and started setting stuff up.
"Ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh," the old geezer said to the studio audience, "I see you have all come for the tale...of SLEEPING BEAUTY!"
Silence. The girl pinned a HI, MY NAME IS RET nametag to her shirt.
"No?" the old guy said. "Then perhaps you have come for...THE PREDICTION OF THE STOCK MARKET!"
Again, there was silence.
"Still no?" the old man sighed as Ret pinned a HI, MY NAME IS MR. DECREPIT nametag on his shirt.
"I think they came for the parody of Aladdin," Ret told him.
"Oh, yeah..." Mr. D said with a sigh. "Well, I guess that works too."
The audience looked interested again.
"Well, as we all know," Mr. D went on as Ret set up their traveling knickknack shop, "there's one thing every good story needs."
"A hero and heroine?" an audience member called.
"Great theme music?" another tried.
"Bathroom breaks?" a third, squirming audience member said.
"Preparation H?" said a fourth, squirming for his own reasons.
"NO!" Mr. D replied. "They all need...A FANCY PROP!" With that, he whipped out a solid gold triangle with an Egyptian eye embossed on it. "This, my dear friends, is known as the Millennium Puzzle, and it is the focus behind our tale."
The audience went "Ooooh" and "Ahhhh" accordingly.
Mr. D nodded. "For you see, without this thing here, there would be no plot to this story. The lives of the people wound in it would never have intertwined and intersected in the way they did, and the whole focus would never--"
"HURRY IT UP!" screamed the bathroom-seeking audience member.
"Sorry," Mr. D said. "Anyway, our tale begins in Domino City, the place famous for its weird rules. It begins in the year where they had the first mayoral election where nobody ran, so they decided that the mayor's daughter would have to marry somebody and take the position."
"Why?" Ret asked dutifully, coming to sit next to Mr. D.
Mr. D shrugged. "Domino City is a messed-up place. They don't have stores; they just sell stuff on the streets. And everybody makes weird random comments about the weather. Now, our tale begins with a dark individual, who had a dark purpose for this bright trinket. It all began on a dark and stormy night..."
ON SAID DARK AND STORMY NIGHT, SOME SIX OR SEVEN OR SOMETHING MONTHS EARLIER...
"It's a dark and stormy night," Seto Kaiba surmised. "And I'm getting tired! Where is that stupid thief?"
"Maybe he bailed," his brother Mokuba suggested. They were sitting in a comfy limo in the middle of a rainstorm, waiting for a certain someone to show up.
A certain someone knocked on the window. Seto rolled down the window, and the certain someone, soaking wet, squeezed through.
Seto rolled the window back up. "What took you so long, Bakura?" he demanded.
"Well, excuse ME," Bakura said huffily as he tried to wipe water off of his sleeve. "In case you didn't know, stealing things takes more than five minutes, unless it's something broken."
"Do you have it or not?" Seto snapped.
Bakura rolled his eyes. "Yeah, yeah." He threw a small brown sack in Seto's general direction. It landed in Mokuba's lap.
Mokuba's face took on a look of disgust. "It's wet!"
"Just like me and everything else outside this cushy limo," Bakura retorted, still trying to wipe water off his pants.
"Never mind," Seto said, picking up the sack. Bakura glared at Seto as the latter very slowly opened the sack and pulled out what he had very nicely asked Bakura to steal. Well, actually, he slammed Bakura up against a wall and demanded he steal it.
"Hel-LO-o!" Bakura burst out suddenly. "Can I have my pay?!"
"Oh, be quiet," Seto replied. "You'll get your pay, once I get my prize." He opened his hand to reveal half a key. Digging in his pocket, he pulled the other half, with a fuzzy Life-Savers stuck to it.
Mokuba and Bakura watched as Seto pulled the fuzzy Life-Savers off of the second half and put the two halves together. The key, now put together, began to glow.
"Oooh!" Mokuba exclaimed. The glowing key suddenly levitated out of Seto's hands and shot through the window, making a nice 1-2 shaped hole.
Seto hit the intercom button. "Driver!" he yelled. "Follow that key!"
"Si, Señor Kaiba," Driver said. He floored it, sending everyone except Bakura to the floor. Bakura, acting on impulse, attached himself to the ceiling as Driver drove out of control, following the flying key.
Seto watched out the window as the key's glow led them down twisting, winding, looping, zigzagging, leapfrogging, X-shaped, and curly roads. Finally he saw the glow stop and was about to order Driver to stop as well, when a shockwave sent the limo flying.
"WOOO!" Mokuba cheered, as if it were a roller coaster.
The limo finally came to a stop upside down. Bakura, who had attached himself to the ceiling, was now attached to the floor. Seto was lying beside him. "Whatever happened, I'm putting you at fault," he said to Bakura.
"Oh, SURE," Bakura said. "Blame the innocent guilty evil thief."
They all climbed out of the broken window of the upside-down limo and stood up, brushing themselves off.
"Hey! Look!" Mokuba exclaimed, pointing.
Seto and Bakura looked up to see what he was pointing at. The glowing key had inserted itself into the lock of a huge warehouse. There was a dark figure near the steel doors.
"It's the Warehouse of Wonders," Bakura said in awe. "I never knew it really existed, until now. What a find. Wait until I tell my pals on ThieFiction that I know the location of the Warehouse of Wonders!"
Seto backhanded him. "THAT'S NOT WHAT WE'RE HERE FOR!" he stated. "Come on, let's go."
They and Mokuba walked up to the doors of the warehouse, completely ignoring the driver and whatever injuries he might have had. Suddenly, the figure beside the door straightened. "WHO DISTURBS MY SLUMBER?!" some random officer yelled.
"Uh...what?" Seto and Bakura looked at each other. The random police officer was wearing those big heavy police officer shades, thus obscuring her vision in the rainy night. She couldn't see who it was.
Seto jabbed Bakura in the side with his elbow. "Go on," he prodded.
"I don't wanna!" Bakura complained.
Seto shoved him in front of the guard. Random Police Officer straightened her sunglasses, not even thinking to take them off. "WELL?! Who disturbs my slumber? I only get thirty minutes to nap on the graveyard shift!"
"Um...I'm Bakura, a notorious thief," Bakura said. "I want to get into the Warehouse of Wonders and steal its many legendary treasures and junk."
"AHA!" Random Police Officer thrust a finger in Bakura's face, missing a brown eyeball by mere millimeters. "I KNEW IT! I'M HERE TO WARD OFF DESPICABLE SCUM LIKE YOU!" She sniffed. "Anyway, there's only one person allowed in here. The heir to this warehouse, capiche? And you ain't the heir, because I memorized the picture. So HANDS DOWN!" She violently tackled Bakura.
"AAAAH!" Bakura yelled as his face was slammed into the concrete.
"I MEAN, HANDS UP!" Random Police Officer started fumbling in her large pocket for handcuffs. "You have the right to remain silent, but your face is in the concrete, so you can't talk much anyway. You have the right to a doctor to diagnose the injuries you got when I tackled you. Anything you mumble or do can and will be used to slap you in the face in court. You have no right to a phone call when we get to the pokey because they haven't paid their bill."
As Random Police Officer continued a lengthy list of warped Miranda rights, Seto quietly pulled the picture of the warehouse heir from her pocket, and grabbed the back of Mokuba's shirt and hightailed it away. "I'm going to have to find this heir to the warehouse," he said under his breath as he dramatically swept his trenchcoat behind him.
The trenchcoat slapped Mokuba in the face.
THE NEXT DAY!
It was a nice and sunny morning in Domino City. There were a few puddles in dips in the road from last night's rain, but other than that, everything was nice and sunny. A bunch of nice and sunny people conducted nice and sunny business on the nice and sunny streets telling each other it was a nice and sunny morning. It was all nice and sunny. Until...
"STOP, THIEF!"
People moved aside as what looked like a fast-moving parade came barreling down the street. One solitary guy, carrying a plastic bag of bread and oil, was running down the street, being chased by five suited security guards.
"Stop in the name of the law, bandit!" Chemo, the captain of the security guards, bellowed through a megaphone.
Yami gave him a fleeting glance as he continued to run.
"Don't ignore the law, robber!"
Yami stuck his fingers in his ears, serving to piss Chemo off even more. "Men!" he yelled at his underlings, forgetting to remove the megaphone. Mako, Malik, Croquet, and Ryou, the guards under his command, all winced. "Don't let the burglar get away!"
The all continued their marathon through the streets. Yami turned around and started running backwards, making faces at the guards. Chemo's face grew red. "You won't get away, purloiner!"
Yami rolled his eyes. "Just another day for me, guards!" he said.
Some random guy in a music shop started playing the theme song music. They all waved at him in thanks as they ran by.
(To the tune of Aladdin's street song)
(Yami)
Just look, yet another morning
One loaf, and uproar starts
You know, I could take all this to heart
How cute, they think they can catch me
My trail, I'll soon erase
Too bad, I like the thrill of the chase!
(Ryou)
Oh dear!
(Chemo)
CATCH HIM!
(Malik)
HAHA!
(Mako)
Close in!
(Yami)
Why are you so testy?
(Chemo)
Maybe because you're a pest, G!
(Yami)
Don't use any slang
It's a robber thang
I wonder if this bread's on sale?
(Bystanding Girls)
Well!
Look who's here
It's Yami the pickpocket!
He's quite cute
But his job's illegal!
(Girls' Mother)
He steals everything
From drapes to wockets!
(Yami)
Yes, a mystery
That's what I must be
Everybody always says I'm not that tall
One day, I won't have to steal stuff
One day, I'll pay for real
Till then, guess I'll go ahead and steal!
(Chemo)
One day, we're gonna get you, thief!
(Mako)
You won't escape for long!
(Croquet)
You're weak, but on the other hand we're strong!
(Chemo)
I'm mad!
(Ryou)
That's bad!
(Girls)
Quite sad
(Yami)
I'm glad!
Why do you guys bother?
(Chemo)
Because, of thieves, you're the father!
(Yami)
Yes, that may be true
I'm faster than you
And you've never caught a cold!
(Interlude)
Yami saw that the guards were closing in, so he wrapped the bag's handles around his wrist and ran up a propped-up board. He dived off the edge and landed on a truck driving by. The security guards kept chasing, and Chemo whipped out a whistle and blew it.
The man driving the truck heard the whistle and stopped, and the guards hurried over. Malik laughed maniacally as he flung himself onto the roof, but his laughter died away when he found that Yami wasn't there.
"Where is he?" Ryou wondered aloud.
They all looked around, until Croquet shouted, "Up there!" and pointed. Yami was jumping from stall roof to stall roof, going in the opposite direction. The guards all turned to catch him, and in the process somehow knocked each other down.
Yami jumped back down to the ground and laughed at them as he ran off. The guards collected themselves and started chasing him again.
(Ryou)
He's quick, and quite the criminal
(Mako)
I know, he just won't stop
(Chemo)
He won't get away this time!
(Yami)
You say, but remember last time?
It's sad
I'm truly on fire
You should all retire
Nobody can catch this thief!
(theme music ends)
Yami waved at the guards. "See ya!" He fell down an uncovered manhole, as planned. The guards all hurried to surround the manhole.
"Don't just stand there!!" The guards winced again. "EVERYBODY DOWN THE HOLE!"
"We don't have any rope," said Mako.
"Well, get some! We can't let the pilferer get away!"
"Excuse me, sir," Ryou interrupted. "It's only a bag of bread and a container of oil. Why should we chase him over such an insignificant thing?"
"Because it's the mayor's special whitewheat bread and cooking oil!" Chemo said through the megaphone. "We just got our first shipments today!"
"He won't get away!" Croquet stated.
"Anybody got a rope?" asked Mako.
Malik simply snickered evilly.
There was silence, even from Chemo the Megaphone Overuser, as they tried to think of where to buy a rope. Near them, a guy was selling Ropes And Other Things You Can Use To Climb Down A Manhole And Catch A Thief With A Bag Of New Whitewheat Bread And Cooking Oil.
"I'm stumped!" Mako said.
"We can't let that rustler get away!" Chemo yelled. He shoved Malik and Mako down the manhole.
"Don't do that!" Ryou cried. "They'll get hurt!"
Chemo shrugged.
And...THAT'S THE FIRST CHAPTER!
Yay! (starts dancing around like a maniac) THE SONG WAS FUN TO DO! I LIKED IT!
Um...anyway...Review please! (flashes puppy dog eyes) How about a preview to entice you?
Yami looked up to see what all the ruckus was about. These guys riding on silent motorcycles were driving down the street. Actually, the motorcycles were off, and the guys were pushing them along with their feet. They were dressed in white suits and were yelling, "Make way!" The one on the left was looking at a cue card in his hands as he shouted.
Behind the men was a white limo. The white sunroof was rolled back, and a guy with green eyes and jet-black hair had his head out, waving regally at the crowd. He stopped momentarily to dramatically flip his black tresses back into the wind.
Yami sweatdropped. Another one of these vain prince guys? he thought to himself.
"Make way from Prince..." Guy 2 looked down at his cue card. "I mean, make way for Prince Duke, all the way from Cool Distant Land number 73!"
The crowd parted to let the limo through. They were all saying stuff in hushed voices.
"I heard he's come to wed the mayor's daughter and take over the city!" one woman said to another near Yami.
"With the luck the other seventy-two had, I'm sure he'll soon be sent packing with a hole in the butt of his pants," the other woman replied.
Princes and mayor's sons and dudes with big bank accounts had been coming once or twice a day for a while, all to try and convince the mayor to hand over his daughter in marriage. Sometimes they came in limos. Sometimes in jets. Sometimes they came on foot, because they learned the hard way that you can't use a yacht on land.
Yami watched as the procession continued, with Prince Duke constantly smoothing and flipping and playing with his hair.
"Look at how he plays with his hair!" said Woman 1.
"It's a wonder he hasn't ripped it all out yet," replied Woman 2.
SEE YOU NEXT TIME!
...HOPEFULLY!