Hakusho009 is back(...sort of.) in her greatest piece of literature yet (dear God I hope not)! Soooo...I've been watching Strong Bad (don't know who he is? GASP! Go see him at NOW! Seriously.) cartoons for, like eight hours TODAY...I won't even go into the rest of the week. So I pretty much AM him. If I'm around people too much I turn into them. Watch out for that. So, I was reading fanfics, they were crap, I was sad, decided to write randomn stuff down and make fun of Mary Sues, then decided to post it. Let me apologize to the internet for doing so. Well, maybe somebody will like it. ...My luck somebody I'm making fun of. ...Ah, just read it. Maybe it won't be so bad.
The Adventures of Spoofy McSpooferson
Chapter 1: Crazy Crap Happens to Her
Shelby liked turtles. Hell, her whole family liked turtles. Why do you think they named her Shelby and her brother Sheldon and thier dog Mr. Turtledogg? They even changed thier last name to Wefreakin'loveturtles for cryin' out loud! Seriously, they were obsessed. Anyway, one day while Shelby Wefreakin'loveturtles was brushing her long, luscious blonde hair (since, even though she and her family were total freaks she still was amazingly hot. ...really, really hot even) away from her gorgeous, long-lashed green eyes (the color of turtles. What'd I freakin' tell ya. Obsessed) she sighed.
'I wish I could marry a turtle one day'she thougth, 'and, after going through many hardships that everyone will overreact to for my sake and probably hating the love of my life at first and getting amnesia after we finally see eye to eye, have many children with him despite the fact that that would be genetically impossible. That would truly be enter (dramatic pause) a grand life.'
Just then a bunch of Foot ninjas burst into Shelby's room and totally were going to kidnap her. She screamed, tears glistening down her face for no reason, until she remembered she was a blackbelt in every type of martial arts and went to a secret ninja school ever since her mother was killed in a freak ninja-involved accident which she can't get over. Then, after breakin' out some totally badass moves and swearing never to be defeated by the likes of them yadda yadda yadda, she was kidnapped. Yeah.
The next day, feeling woozy and disoriented even though they are basically the same thing, she stood up and found herself in some sort of prison cell.
"Oh no!" she wailed and then taunted the guard outside her cell cause she was still actin' all badass and such.
A few minutes later she looked into a cracked and dirty mirror hanging in her cell and realized DUN DUN DUUUUUN! she was a turtle.
"Oh my god!" she screamed in anguish (even though she freaking loved turtle to death. Literally, she once hugged one into turtle jelly) "I was wondering why my hands had three fingers when I tried to flip that guard off when I was being rebellious! And this must be why I have a shell! No wonder I'm green! I just thought I cut myself to much last night when I ws being emo and this was all a hallucination! Woe is me!"
Thus, the girl who wanted to marry a turtle because she thought they were so great sunk into a horrible depression because she was now the object of her affection (A/N: Oh wait. Is 'affection' too big a word to go into a fic like this? Oh well, I already used 'anguish' so I suppose it won't hurt.).Woe is her indeed. What a cruel hand Fate has dealt her. Soon her thoughts of misery reminded her of other kinds of misery she has been through. Here comes a flashback.
Generic flashback italics
Shelby is hiding from her father. He beats her. ...and he's drunk all the time. Oh! And he doesn't let her stay up past ten-thirty. That brings her so much pain. Her mother is a crack-ho and she has grown up without a father...wait...no. I'm confused. Maybe her brother's the crack-ho, her mother's the alcoholic, and the father beats carpets for a living (a source of unending shame for any young girl in her twenties living with her parents after dropping out of college when a professor hit on her in a dark bar (a source of unending shame for a ...etc.)) This is hard to figure out since she had a perfectly fine family life up until this flashback. What happened to the Wefreakin'loveturtles'? WHERE DID THIER FREAKY HAPPY LIFE GO? Okay, flashback over.
back to normal type...NOW
Shelby is still whimpering in her cell, the emo-breakdown causing shudders and urges to sing badly written haikus about death and darkness to rack her small, lithe frame. Just then a crash was heard from above (becaus no secret underground prison for illegal genetic experiments is complete without a skylight) and four large figures fell from the ceiling like bulky, violent angels from heaven. Or, at least, they seemed like angels to Shelby, hardened by ten whole minutes of harsh prison life.
A face was soon pressed against the bars of her cell, peering into the murky darkness. It was a turtle, she soon saw, one with a blue bandanna tied around his eyes. She was not afraid of him. She only freaked when she, herself, was a turtle. Seeing four giant turtles with weapons falling from the ceiling wasn't even very interesting. He spotted her then.
"Don't worry," he said softly, as if to a frightened child, "We're here to help."
Shelby passed out then. Not out of fear, of course, Why do you always assume that? Geez! but of the lack of nourishment finally catching up to her. Oh! But she was no weakling! She once went four days with no food! And no water! And no clothes except a burlap sack! With hobos chasing after her! And...blah blah blah. Anyway, she was unconcious. Whoopee.
And that was crap. -looks at clock- Whoa. I started this today and finished it tomorrow its so late. Well, if you thought it was sorta funny and want to see how the story of Miss Wefreakin'loveturtles turns out please review. If you stopped reading halfway through like I would have done. Well, I hate you. No, I kid. I don't. Anyway, if you guys liked it I'm glad. I'm also terrified. I'm terrified that this is almost the DaVinci Code in goodness compared to some fics I've read. I weep. Bye for now. :3