SCENE 6: Rebooting Man-Thing
[Cut to comic book editorial staff meeting, with five editors sitting at a table.]
EDITOR AL:
"OK, I'm stumped. How the hell are we supposed to reboot Man-Thing?" [points at Man-Thing poster that says "Whatever knows fear burns at the Man-Thing's touch!"]
EDITOR BOB:
"What are you talking about? He's one of our most enigmatic heroes! He plumbs the depths of the human psyche!"
EDITOR CHUCK:
"Oh, bulls**t! He's yard waste! He's like a boring, hippie version of the Toxic Avenger!"
EDITOR DAN:
"Yeah! What're you supposed to do with some lame-o combination between Ghost Rider and Captain Planet?"
EDITOR ERIC:
"Don't give up on him! I think I've got an idea…"
[Cut to Man-Thing, all pimped out and hinky, shambling down the street with a cane, a fur coat, pants down below his butt and a pimp limp. Several prostitutes walk with him, and a title splashes across the screen: "It's MAN-THANG!"]
ANNOUNCER:
[like the announcer for "Shaft"] "It's Man-Thang! And whatever burns has known the Man-Thang's touch!"
[A man, John, runs up to Man-Thing, points to prostitute.]
JOHN:
"She gave me gonorrhea!"
PROSTITUTE:
"Oo, you gonna have to get a shot for that, baby! And I ain't no 'she'."
JOHN:
"Oh my God!" [runs off screaming]
[Man-Thing and his entourage resume walking. As they approach a street corner, another man comes up to them.]
OTHER MAN:
"Hey! You can't park that thang here!"
PROSTITUTE:
[with attitude] "Why not?"
OTHER MAN:
"Because this is where we're rebooting Swamp Thang!"
[Cut to Swamp Thing, who is just around the corner, similarly pimped out and surrounded by prostitutes. Man-Thing and Swamp Thing eye each other. Editor Eric rushes up.]
EDITOR ERIC:
"Hey, this is a Marvel Comics operation! You're gonna have to get that thang out of here!"
OTHER MAN:
"Well, this is a DC Comics operation! So you better get that thang out of my sight, before one thang leads to another!"
[Swamp Thing and Man-Thing start squaring off.]
PROSTITUTE:
"Uh oh! I don't think those thangs gonna get along!"
[Man-Thing and Swamp Thing each take off their coats, drop their canes and shamble toward each other. They fight, which mostly involves sloshing muck on each other, and a crowd gathers to watch.]
FEMALE WITNESS:
"Why do they have to fight each other? I mean, they're basically the same thang, can't they just join forces?"
MALE WITNESS:
"Shoot, woman! It's a plant thang! You just don't get it…"
CHIEF EDITOR:
[also in the crowd] "For crying out loud, is this the best we can do when it comes to combining superpowers with chlorophyl?"
EDITOR ERIC:
"You're right, chief! Don't worry, I think I've got an idea…"
[Cut to the same scene - Man-Thing and Swamp Thing fighting in the background - with Poison Ivy standing in the foreground. She is wearing a sexy outfit, with big tufts of foliage coming out of her underwear.]
CHIEF EDITOR:
"Finally! A plant-based comic book character who makes sense!"
MATT SENREICH:
[in the crowd, turns to camera] "Can we write for women or what?"
OTHER MAN:
"Uh, a hot redhead who likes gardening, is she really supposed to pose a challenge to superheroes?"
EDITOR ERIC:
[rubs chin] "Well, they might need some clippers to make it through the bushes…"
CHIEF EDITOR:
"That's all well and good, but what are we supposed to do with these thangs?" [gestures to Man-Thing and Swamp Thing, still sloshing onto each other]
OTHER MAN:
"Ugh, it's like watching two piles of mulch have sex with each other."
EDITOR ERIC:
"No need to fret! I think I've got an idea…"
[Cut to the same scene, now with a rock n' roll band playing a concert at the street corner. The sloshing pile of muck composed of Man-Thing and Swamp Thing slowly retreats from the band.]
CHIEF EDITOR:
"I don't get it. What are the Rolling Stones doing here?"
EDITOR ERIC:
[smiling] "Well, because they gather no moss."
[Long, awkward pause as Chief Editor glares at Editor Eric.]
EDITOR ERIC:
[smile vanishes, looks down at his feet in shame] "I'm sorry."
CHIEF EDITOR:
[still glaring] "You should be. When we get back to the office, I'm gonna cut you."
[END SCENE.]
SCENE 7: Star Trek & Star Wars Crossover
[Cut to a standard, empty sci-fi alien landscape. C-3PO, R2D2, and Lt. Cmdr. Data stand facing front.]
ANNOUNCER:
"And now, the crossover you've all been waiting for! Star Trek and Star Wars! Featuring C-3PO, R2D2, and Lt. Cmdr. Data!"
C-3PO:
"This is a most unsettling. Why, I don't believe I've been quite this upset since the occasion when I discovered that my creator, who initially had been…"
[As C-3PO speaks, Data looks to either side to see if anyone is watching, then leaps on C-3PO, pummeling him and tearing him limb from limb.]
DATA:
"Shut up you stupid faggot! Uncle Toms like you have set our cause light-years behind! We have worked TOO hard for TOO long to GAIN the acCEPtance and resPECT of the WIDer community, NOT to MENtion our OWN sense of DIGnity, for you to F**K it up with your POORly written, NOT funny, GOLDden MINstrel show!"
C-3PO:
"Oh my! R2! Help me!"
[Data tears off C-3PO's head, drops his pants and s**ts microchips down C-3PO's neck. R2D2 whistles. Once Data is done destroying and desecrating C-3PO, he pulls his pants back up, takes a few deep breaths, looks at R2D2.]
DATA:
"You, uh, wanna go hang out on the holodeck?"
[R2D2 whistles excitedly in the affirmative, sprouts an impressive, spinning sex toy. They exit together. END SCENE.]
SCENE 8: Star Sapphire
[Cut to promo for Star Sapphire sitcom.]
NARRATOR:
"Star Sapphire is Queen of the Zamarons. But she's learning that being a warrior goddess from the 7th dimension isn't all pomp and pageantry!"
[Cut to customs and border security office, where agents are interrogating Star Sapphire.]
STAR SAPPHIRE:
"For the last time, I'm here on vacation. I have a valid tourist visa. I'm not trying to take over your planet. I come from the 7th dimension, my furniture wouldn't even fit in here!"
[Cut to press conference, where Star Sapphire is answering questions from male reporters.]
REPORTER 1:
"Ms. Sapphire, is it true that your powers are based on love?"
STAR SAPPHIRE:
"That is correct."
REPORTER 2:
"So, are you like the Incredible Hulk, where the more love you feel the bigger and stronger you get?"
STAR SAPPHIRE:
"Mmmm, no."
REPORTER 3:
"Well, why not?"
STAR SAPPHIRE:
"Because that would be f**king stupid. Next question?"
REPORTER 4:
"Well, how do you defeat people if you're not feeling the emotion of love?"
STAR SAPPHIRE:
"I just hit 'em in the face with one of these." [brandishes purple tire iron]
REPORTER 1:
[condescending] "Well, what if you leave your handbag at the nail salon and don't have your tire iron?"
STAR SAPPHIRE:
[irritated] "I can always fool my powers into working even when I'm not feeling the emotion of love."
REPORTER 2:
"Really? How?"
STAR SAPPHIRE:
"Because I also have another super-power. It's called 'faking it'."
REPORTER 3:
"So, it doesn't matter whether or not the people you're dealing with have performed in a way that results in a satisfying outcome for you?"
STAR SAPPHIRE:
"No, it really doesn't matter at all."
REPORTER 4:
"And you can still defeat your opponents when you're totally PMS-ing and being a raging bitch without any provocation whatsoever?"
STAR SAPPHIRE:
"Uh-huh, I sure can."
[Purple sledgehammers fly in from nowhere and hit each of the reporters in the groin. The reporters collapse en masse, groaning and clutching themselves.]
STAR SAPPHIRE:
[sweetly] "I love you guys."
[Cut to singles bar, where Greasy Guy ambles up to hit on Star Sapphire.]
GREASY GUY:
[disgustingly smooth] "Hey, baby. I bet you purple would look pretty good on me, too."
STAR SAPPHIRE:
"Ya think so, huh?"
GREASY GUY:
"Oh, yeah."
[Star Sapphire creates a giant ramp next to Greasy Guy, and a block at the top of it that slides down and squishes him.]
STAR SAPPHIRE:
"Well, I'm inclined to agree."
[Cut to billing counter of electric utility.]
STAR SAPPHIRE:
"Do you know who you're dealing with? I'm the queen of another dimension! I demand that you turn my power back on!"
FEMALE CLERK:
"Look, lady, that's what happens when you don't pay your utility bill: your power gets cut off."
STAR SAPPHIRE:
"But I sent in a payment last month!"
FEMALE CLERK:
"No, you didn't! You can't pay your bills with love!"
MALE CLERK:
[speaking from the next counter] "Um, that's, uh, not technically true. [eagerly] I could take you in this line, here."
[Cut to bedroom, in which Star Sapphire and a man, Ken, are lying in bed, post-coitus.]
KEN:
[suave] "So, how was that for you, baby?"
STAR SAPPHIRE:
"It was nice."
KEN:
[irritated] "Oh, 'nice'. Well, that's great."
STAR SAPPHIRE:
"No, Ken..."
KEN:
"Here we go again."
STAR SAPPHIRE:
"Ken, I mean it was good."
KEN:
"No, no, I get it. Sex in three dimensions is just so lame compared to sex in seven dimensions."
STAR SAPPHIRE:
"No..."
KEN:
"Just like, since your powers are based on love, you're just sooooo much better at relationships than I am!"
STAR SAPPHIRE:
"That's not what I'm saying."
KEN:
"Yes it is! [pouting] You're just like all the other super-powered extra-dimensional queens out there! You think you're too good for me!"
STAR SAPPHIRE:
"No, I don't. Look, how about we go back to my dimension and do it my way?"
KEN:
[sarcastic] "Yeah, let's do that! Let's just see what aaaaall the fuss is about!"
[Cut to office where Ken works. A co-worker walks up to a cubicle.]
CO-WORKER:
"Hey, Ken, did you bag her in her own dimension? How was it?"
[Cut to Ken, who is now a cubist painting.]
KEN:
"It was awesome!"
CO-WORKER:
"So you're going to call her back?"
KEN:
"Pfft, f**k no…"
[Ken and Co-Worker laugh. A giant purple sledge hammer comes out of nowhere and crushes Ken.]
CO-WORKER:
"God! That unprovoked, raging bitch..."
[A giant purple sledge hammer comes out of nowhere and crushes Co-Worker. END SCENE.]
SCENE 9: Spider-Man & Superman VS Dr. Doom
[Spider-Man and Superman are facing off against Dr. Doom in a warehouse.]
DR. DOOM:
"You may have managed to defeat Joker and the Green Goblin - largely because they were making out, I'm going to have to tell human resources that we just can't put those two in the same cubicle anymore - but if you want to thwart my evil plot, you'll have to defeat..."
[Cut to green Hulk in a wheelchair.]
DR. DOOM:
"Handicapable Hulk! And..."
[Cut to homeless guy with hat in hand.]
DR. DOOM:
"The Moocher! And..."
[Cut to empty space in front of wall.]
DR. DOOM:
"A giant robot!"
[A giant robot jumps into scene.]
GIANT ROBOT:
[cheerful] "Hi, I just got here! [to Doom] What am I doing?"
DR. DOOM:
"You're defeating Spider-Man and Superman in mortal combat."
GIANT ROBOT:
"Great! And what's my motivation?"
DR. DOOM:
[uncertain] "You're … a giant robot … and I just told you … to do stuff."
GIANT ROBOT:
"Awesome! [closes eyes, deep inhale and exhale, opens eyes] All right, let's do it!"
[Giant Robot and Handicapable Hulk join Spider-Man and Superman in combat. The Moocher walks up to Dr. Doom.]
THE MOOCHER:
"Can I have your superpowers?"
DR. DOOM:
"No."
THE MOOCHER:
"Can…can I have your superpowers?"
DR. DOOM:
"No! Look, not me, go after THEM! [pointing to Spider-Man and Superman] Take THEIR superpowers!"
[The Moocher wanders off toward the battle. Doom puts his hand on his forehead.]
DR. DOOM:
"For crying out loud, these people are such a bunch of igmos. And where the hell is Luthor?"
[Cut to Lex Luthor, with a Donald Trump-style combover, in a barbershop chair. Hairdresser is standing next to him applying the combover.]
HAIRDRESSER:
"OK, try it now."
LEX LUTHOR:
[holding up mirror] "Oh, yeah, that's good. OK. 'Superman: YOU're fired.' Uh. 'Superman: you're FIRED.' No, wait. 'Superman: I just built a real estate empire around Lois Lane's vagina!' Yeah. Yeah, that felt good!"
[Cut back to Spider-Man and Superman fighting Handicapable Hulk, The Moocher, and Giant Robot.]
THE MOOCHER:
"Can I have your superpowers?" [to Spider-Man, who is fending off Giant Robot]
SPIDER-MAN:
"Sure, why not? [throws up into The Moocher's hat. Then yells to Superman] Hey, Krypto, what's taking so long?"
[Superman is getting pummeled by Handicapable Hulk.]
SUPERMAN:
"I can't hit a handicapped guy!"
SPIDER-MAN:
"Yes you can!"
SUPERMAN:
"Oh, you'd like that, wouldn't you! Then you could take a picture of it for The New York Daily Plagle under the headline, 'Superman beats up handicapped guy'!"
HANDICAP HULK:
"Hulk handicapable!"
[Handicapable Hulk rolls over and hits Superman again, sending him into a wall. END SCENE.]
SCENE 10: Batman & Captain America Watch the Battle
[Cut to the top of a nearby building, where Batman and Captain America are surveying the battle between Spider-Man, Superman, Handicapable Hulk, The Moocher, and Giant Robot below. Batman is crouching near the building's edge, Captain America is standing over him.]
BATMAN:
"I planted a tracking device on The Moocher that led us here."
CAPTAIN AMERICA:
"Good thinking, Bucky!"
BATMAN:
[pause] "No problem, [pause] Robin."
CAPTAIN AMERICA:
[pause] "Bucky…"
BATMAN:
"Robin…"
CAPTAIN AMERICA:
"Bu-CKY..."
BATMAN:
"Ro-BIN..."
[They stare each other down for a moment, then stop.]
CAPTAIN AMERICA:
"Sidekicks."
BATMAN:
"Don't get me started."
CAPTAIN AMERICA:
"They don't listen."
BATMAN:
"They think they're just as good as you are."
CAPTAIN AMERICA:
"And they wear those ridiculously flagrant outfits."
[Batman looks Captain America up and down.]
BATMAN:
"Yeah, but they all look alike when you bury 'em."
CAPTAIN AMERICA:
"You don't have to tell me."
BATMAN:
"Ain't that the truth."
CAPTAIN AMERICA:
"Mm-hmm. Preaching to the choir, sister."
[Batman and Captain America watch as Spider-Man and Superman get beaten up.]
CAPTAIN AMERICA:
"You, uh, wanna go down there?"
BATMAN:
"Oh, hell no."
CAPTAIN AMERICA:
"Me neither, I usually just watch. I mean, I could really get my a** kicked by one of these guys."
BATMAN:
"Same here. Y'know, 'peak of human fitness' means I can still die from a car accident, right?"
CAPTAIN AMERICA:
"Or a crocodile."
BATMAN:
"Or a tire iron."
CAPTAIN AMERICA:
"Or bad sushi."
BATMAN:
"Or syphilis."
CAPTAIN AMERICA:
"What?"
BATMAN:
"Anyway, I think they've got this one handled."
[Batman and Captain America watch as Spider-Man and Superman continue to get manhandled.]
CAPTAIN AMERICA:
"Yeah."
BATMAN:
"Wanna go back to the Batcave and watch TV?"
CAPTAIN AMERICA:
"Sure. [pause] We're actually gonna watch TV, right?"
BATMAN:
"What?"
CAPTAIN AMERICA:
"Because, sometimes I'd tell Bucky we were gonna - never mind, we'll be watching TV."
[END SCENE.]