Disclaimer: I do not own Harry Potter. Insert witty remark here. Fail.
The Machine of Doom
Draco stared at the insolent machine. How dare it not work? He was a Malfoy! Didn't the machine know that?
He hit it once.
"Work!" he commanded. It remained quiet, that little light stayed dark. He tried pushing on that light, the light that so obstinately remained unlit.
Nothing happened.
He tried again, this time shouting as he did so, "I am your master! I command you to work!"
Still, nothing happened.
He hit the side of the machine three times, yelling "Work! Work! Work!"
The little light remained dark.
Draco felt his temper rise, and he glared at the machine, willing it to work.
A door opened, and Harry Potter walked through it, looking queerly at Draco as he walked from his bedroom and out the front door.
Potter, Draco sneered inwardly. Of all the people in the Auror Department to be partnered with, why did it have to be Potter?
Draco turned his attention back to that evil machine. He turned his head slightly and glared at it through one eye.
Still nothing!
What kind of machine didn't respond to the Evil Eye? An evil kind, that's what!
Maybe he could reason with it?
"Now, look here," he said sternly. "You've got something that I want. But I can't get it if you don't work. Could we make a deal of some sort?"
Nothing.
Perhaps it would respond better to threats?
"If you don't work, I shall throw you out the window," Draco said. "We're eight floors up. There's no way you'll survive!"
The machine, it turned out, didn't respond to threats.
"Bugger," Draco muttered. He thought for a moment. There was one thing he hadn't tried. It was an awful, despicable thing. It was something a Malfoy never did. It was beneath a Malfoy. It was something Potter would do, but not a Malfoy. Something so vile, so evil… But he had to try. He had to—
"Please?" Draco asked the machine.
That little light still remained unlit.
Draco's temper flared, and he exploded.
"I give up!" he yelled, waving his arms in anger. "I've tried everything! I've poked, I've prodded, I've commanded, I've threatened, I even said 'please'! And still you won't do your job! This is your last chance!" he glared at the machine, which still did nothing.
Draco exploded again.
"You foul, evil little thing!" he shouted. "You disgusting, vile piece of rubbish! I despise you, I loathe you, you're less than the dirt on my shoes! You make me want to vomit, you're a disgrace! You're not even good enough to be vomited up by fleas, you useless waste of space!
You're the dirt under the fingernails of a homeless rapist! You're the dirt on the hands of a grave-robber! Scum of the Earth, slave to all evil, you—"
In his rant, Draco had not realised Harry had come into the room until he put his hand on Draco's shoulder.
"Having a bit of trouble, Malfoy?" he asked. Draco didn't like the humour in Harry's voice, but he was too busy breathing heavily and glaring at his nemesis, the machine of doom, to say anything on the matter.
"This evil, vile, despicable thing won't work!" he declared, gesturing to the machine of doom.
"Have you tried everything?" Harry asked patiently.
"Yes!" Draco shouted. "Don't treat me like I'm a child, Potter!"
"Wouldn't dream of it, Malfoy. It's just that… Coffee makers, and muggle appliances in general need this—" Harry held up the plug, "—to go in one of these." He stuck the plug into the electrical outlet and flicked the switch. That cursed little light came on, and a whirring sound filled the room as the coffee maker finally began to work.
Draco was silent for a moment before turning to Harry.
"Wipe that smirk off your face, Potter," he growled. "And you do the coffee!"
He sat down at the kitchen table, still glaring at the coffee machine of doom.
Of all the assignments to get, Draco thought to himself, why did he have to be the one going undercover as a Muggle?
A/N: Just a little one-shot that came to me while I was at university. The idea for this story came from reading HermioneCrookshanks919's fic 'The Worst Day in the History of England'. Draco's rant was inspired by a similar rant by Stephen Fry in a sketch featured on 'A Bit of Fry and Laurie' back in the early 90's.