December 14, 1994: I have a choice; keep this baby, or go with Hiram and Leroy want? Do I give these men what they want: this baby girl or keep her for myself? This is my last chance to make a choice.
"Ms. Corcoran, your room is ready. Do you know what you want to do now?" my nurse asks me kindly, she knew I was debating heavily on this. I was scared, not only for myself but the baby. I think a bit more before answering her.
"Yes, I want to… keep her. If that's fine," I say hesitantly, rubbing my pregnant stomach, smiling at the baby inside. I want her to have the best life possible, and have her mother as well. I may have only had her for nine months as gestation, but I want her for my own… I hope LeRoy and Hiram understand my mother's need… instinct even.
"You certainly can keep her Shelby," a new voice called out. It was LeRoy and he didn't seem upset, or with Hiram. I looked at him very confused as my nurse helped me stand. He smiled at me and put a hand on my stomach.
"How are you not upset Mr. Berry? I mean, you and Hiram asked me for my baby because I thought I couldn't take care of her. Now that I've changed my mind, how is it that…"
"I understand? Quite simple, you are a mother. You want your daughter for that is what she needs." LeRoy understood, but it still escaped me on his nice mannerisms. I accepted his behaviour and he accompanied me to my room while I waited to be induced. I was overdue and the doctor decided it was time. I didn't mind, I was anxious to hold my little girl in my arms.
"Can you do me a favour Shelby?" LeRoy asked me. I nodded for him to continue. "Can you not let her know about where she was going to go? It's the least I ask since you are keeping the dear. By the way, what will her name be?" I thought a second and smiled.
"Rachel. Rachel Barbara Corcoran will be her name." LeRoy smiled. From his expression, he wouldn't have had it any other way of my naming her, if anything I think he was going to name her the same judging by the glint in his eye.
"Ms. Corcoran, are you ready?" Leroy left hours ago and I lay on my bed and prepared myself for pain. I nodded solemnly and the nurse came in and started my IV of oxytocin, I was ready.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~S*R*S*R*S*R*S*R*S*R*S*R*S*R~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Nine hours of labour later I have a beautiful baby girl in my arms. I finally meet Rachel.
"Hi Rach, I'm your Mama," I cooed softly to her and she put her little hand out and she grabbed my finger. I smiled and kissed her little head. She has some tufts of soft blonde hair, and she's a bit pudgy which is completely adorable. My darling baby girl, my little princess is finally here.
December 15, 1994 "No matter what you do sweetie, I will always love you," I whispered softly to her. I knew she understood me because she snuggled closer into my chest. Some tears pricked my eyes as I witnessed this young baby already understand me.
"She's going to be a Mama's girl I can tell," my nurse chuckled. "I bet Daddy will be jealous," she continued with a wink. I shook my head.
"There is no Daddy in the picture. It's just Mama, right Rachel?" I asked my child who cried very little. She's not fussy and I love it. She gurgled a response and it made both of us smile.
"It seems she knows Mama well already. It's adorable and sweet," the young nurse laughed, walking over checking my monitor. "If you two both are this well by tomorrow, I think we could release you both. Rachel is a strong one Ms. Corcoran I'm sure you're proud. The only time she doesn't fuss is when she's with you or in someone's arms. You have yourself a diva," she winked before leaving.
Rachel was giggling as she left and I chuckled with her. My chuckle was more accurately a low rumble in my chest but she loved it for she went silent and started cooing before slowly falling asleep. I had fed her not twenty minutes ago and she's already out. She's simply perfect. Everyone is in love with her and it's because she looks so much like her Mama. I've known my little girl for only a day and I'm already in love with her. I can't wait to take her home.
August 17, 2007 Rachel is starting highschool today. I don't want her to go to McKinley but she has to in order for her to avoid the teasing and accusations of favouritism from her mom.
"Rachel! You're going to be late! Let's go now!" I call up the stairs to my little princess who starts hopping down the stairs pulling a pair of socks on. I chuckle as I see she has her shoes in her mouth and her bag hanging from one shoulder. I rush over to her and take the bag and shoes from her. She smiles her appreciation as she pulls the other sock on and I hand her the shoes.
"Mama, why can't I go to school with you? I want to be with you," she whined to me. I look her in the eye and say, "Rachel Corcoran, you fully know why you can't. It's risky and the Vocal Adrenaline students will accuse me of having you join because you are my daughter. At McKinley, you will have less of a chance of this to happen. I will be a little while down the road so when your Glee practice ends, just walk over." Rachel nods and I kiss her head.
"I love you Mama," she says as she hugs me tightly. I rub her back gently and her breathing grows deeper. She's doing like she used to as a child; she's breathing my scent because we will be separated for a long time.
"I love you too Princess but I won't be gone from you that long," I laugh lightly. She withdraws with a light blush covering her cheeks. I usher her to the car and grab her bowl of fruit I had cut earlier for her. As I had her settled in the vehicle and buckled in, I handed her the fruit and started the car.
"Here we go Rachel," I say looking over to her with a sad smile. I don't like her not being able to be at Carmel with me as much as she, but we both know the consequence. If my reputation doesn't exceed me as I heard, McKinley should be ignorant to the fact of me being who I am. Hopefully she'll be safe.
I drive up to the front of the school and park the car, turning to my daughter.
"Behave today Rachel, even if they mess with you about your last name; which is doubtful for a school as isolated from information as this. Just in case though, be careful and watch your attitude. I'm a phone call away. If anything happens and you need me, call. Okay?" I give her a sincere look of concern and she smiles.
"Don't worry so much, Mom. I'll keep myself in check; attitude and all. If anything happens, I promise to call you. I love you," Rachel responds as she opened the door.
"I love you too baby. Have a good day and remember what I said," I call after her as she exits. Once the door closes I drive off because I'm almost late to school.
I'm almost there and my phone rings. Rachel. I answer it.
"What's wrong Rach?" I ask.
"I miss you already," she whispers, her tears are threatening to fall. I think she's hiding somewhere because I hear chattering teens. I chuckle at her.
"Rachel, you need to relax. You'll live, alright?"
"A-alright Mama I'll try…"
"Now, pull yourself together and go to class. I'm at my school now; call me if something happens still. I love you," I say as I exit my Wrangler.
"I love you too," she whispers. I hang up and walk into the school, turning my phone on vibrate and placing it in my pocket. I walk to my classroom and before the bell rings I get a text. Dammit Rachel… I pull out my phone and check the message.
Sorry for calling earlier Mama. Have a good day at school. I love you :)
~Rachel B. Corcoran
I smile at her thoughtfulness of apologizing for something that she wasn't in trouble for. I put my phone up as soon as the bell rings and stand at the front of the class, writing on the whiteboard. I hear some chuckles and whispers behind me as students walk in. I turn and see some familiar faces but mostly new, terrified faces. This is going to be great I think, smiling inwardly. I don't enjoy terrifying students but that means people talk about how mean I am, instead of how nice I am. I will congratulate those who talk about Ms. Corcoran, the Devil English/Music instructor.
"Good morning everyone, please settle down and calm down as well. I won't bite heads the first day of school unless you screw up. I see some familiar faces, welcome back to my class guys. As for the new students, let me know your name and if you go by another name," I say as teacher-like but also as venom-tinged as possible. It's easier to start harsh then soften than to be soft. Scared students get up and introduce themselves. Some have a nickname or go by another name but mostly its normal names. Like Jacob, Janet, Alex, etc. Before the new bell rings, I write on the board the Vocal Adrenaline audition day and encourage the musically inclined to join. Many of my main singers graduated last year so I need more people.
The day progresses and its lunch, FINALLY! It must be lunch at McKinley as well because Rachel texted me.
Hey Mom, just checking in on you and letting you know that the day has been going fine, but I still wanna stay with you.
~Rachel B. Corcoran
I smile as I reply
I'm glad the day has been going well for you baby girl. Let's hope it stays that well. I didn't want you going to McKinley either. You know that, right?
~Shelby aka Mama :]
I smile as I remember the day Rachel got a hold of my phone and altered my signature. It was originally Shelby Corcoran, VA coach. She didn't like it so she made it more to her style hence my new signature.
Yeah, I know. I see you still haven't changed your signature back. I guess you liked it? ;)
~Rachel B. Corcoran
Anything you do for me Rachel I like. I wouldn't ever change it, because you made it.
~Shelby aka Mama:]
This time Rachel called me instead of responding.
"Hello baby," I say with a smile.
"Hi Mama, you really wouldn't change the signature just because I made it?" she seemed skeptical but sincerely curious.
"I really wouldn't Rach, just because you made it and I love you. You are my daughter and anything you make me I keep. I have kept every one of your drawings you made me ever since you started drawing," I tell her, my voice cracking a bit. I hear Rachel sniffle on the other line.
"I-I love you too Mama," she chokes out. "I have to go to class now."
"Okay honey, be sure to breathe to calm down. Behave still, okay?"
"Yes Mama, I will. See you later." She hangs up before I do. I smirk as I hang up and go to my phone messaging settings and my signature. She's going to love this I think to myself, my smile widening as I type my new signature
It's time for Rachel to come to Carmel from Glee and I'm still running VA auditions. I didn't expect so many people to want to audition as there were. Quite a few of my scared new students auditioned and were FANTASTIC! But my worry for Rachel is overriding my concentration. I call a take ten and text Rachel.
Baby, where are you at? Are you almost here?
~Rachel + Mama:]
Her response was swift and short.
Almost there.
~Rachel B. Corcoran
My brow furrows but I don't worry for Rachel, because she is very reliable. A bit of time passes before the auditorium door opens and Rachel walks in and she has a furry object in her arm.
"Hey Mama," she said kissing my cheek, a gesture she doesn't do often. She hands me the object and I see that it's a stuffed turtle. I looked at it further and saw that Rachel had her name and mine labeled on the shell and in both our favourite colours.
"Do you like it? That's what took me so long to get here. I was getting this engraved for you. It's close to your birthday anyway. I figured you should get a gift I put lots of thought into," Rachel says, slightly embarrassed at her present to me. I love it I couldn't ever deny that much.
"I love it Rachel, absolutely adore it," I reassure her, pulling her into my lap and wrapping my arms around her. She buries her face into her face into my neck and curls into me.
"I like your new signature by the way Mama. It's vague but also means a lot to us both," Rachel whispers in my hair as well as playing with the ends of my dark locks. I smile and kiss her temple.
"Are you surprised that I came up with something so simple?" I asked her with a light teasing tone. She pulls back and actually thinks. For a smart remark I bet. She's learned from me after all I smile as I think.
"I can't think of a comeback for that, and you taught me EVERYTHING in the book," she says, slightly defeated. Me and her laugh until my star comes up to us. I drop Mama and go into Coach Corcoran, a personality I hate using around Rachel because it scares her.
"Yes, Jessie?" I say in my normal professional tone. I hardened my eyes to hide all affection.
"When will our rehearsal resume, ma'am? We are all anxious to get back to it," the boy adds with slight fear of my answer. I tap Rachel's thigh to get her to stand up and I return to my table in the seats.
"Places people, I want more energy than before due to our extended break!" I call into the microphone. I turn back and see my princess standing awkwardly with the turtle. I smile warmly, breaking Coach Corcoran and gesture to the seat next to me.
"Come sit honey, tell me what you see while they perform," I say softly as she approaches the table. She sets the turtle down between us and lays her head on my shoulder, scooting her chair closer to me. I put my arm around her for a hug before returning to my other personality.
VA works hard; they really do, but they don't have the heart in their songs. I know these kids well and choose songs that have a bit of each of them in it. I don't see why they are giving me a second-rate performance!
"Vocal Adrenaline isn't in this Mama," Rachel says quietly, knowing how I get about criticism. I look over and nod. Smiling, Rachel nudges me. She wants to sing with me.
"Can we Mama? They don't see heart unless they know what it looks like. Pleeeaaaassseee?" she begs with an adorable face.
"I guess because we haven't sang together in all the time we have been in Glee," I say with a tone that shows my enjoyment of this situation. "Guys, get off the stage. It hurts to see this. Rachel and I will demonstrate what we want to see for we both agree on what is lacking. Any guesses on what it is?"
"Uhh… passion?" someone guesses. Rachel jumps up.
"You guys are missing all emotions! I barely know you all but I know that m- Coach Corcoran works hard to find songs that reflect not only the school but also yourselves! Give her this much. She deserves it," Rachel finishes while grabbing me by the hand, leading me to the stage. I smile at her kindness and understanding.
"Rachel is right you all," I say, stepping onto the stage. "I work hard on you all and you give me second-rate." As I turn to see Rachel, she's already talking to the pianist. A familiar chord starts to play.
"Don't know just where I'm going, and tomorrow, it's a little overwhelming. And the air is cold, and I'm not the same anymore. I've been running in your direction, for too long now. I've lost my own reflection, and I can't look down if you're not there to catch me when I fall," Rachel starts. This is a song she knows I love so she sings the first verse with love swimming in her eyes. I smile as I take the chorus.
"If this is the moment I stand here on my own; if this is my rite of passage that somehow leads me home. I might be afraid but it's my turn to be brave," I sing, moving to Rachel as we sing together the second half of the chorus.
"If this is the last chance before we say goodbye, at least it's the first day of the rest of my life. I can't be afraid 'cause it's my turn to be brave." (A/N: Bold will be Shelby, Italicized will be Rachel, Bold/italicized is both)
"All along all I ever wanted was to be the light when your life was daunting, but I can't see mine when I feel you're pushing me away."
"Well who's to blame, are we making the right choices 'cause we can't be sure if we're hearing our own voices as we close the door-"
"Even though we are desperate to stay," Tears are brimming in both our eyes as we near the end of the song that is riddled with what she wants to say to me all the time.
"If this is the moment I stand here on my own; if this is my rite of passage that somehow leads me home…" Rachel drops to catch her sobbing breaths. I put my arms around her as I say the main line.
"I might be afraid, but it's my turn to be brave,"
"If this is the last chance/If this is the moment," we sing in unison. Tears fall down my face as my little princess sings directed at me.
"I can't be afraid, 'cause it's my turn… to be brave." We cut there as she can't hold herself together. My students stand and applaud us, some with tears in their eyes.
"Thank you, Mama. I love you," Rachel chokes out. I smile at her and kiss her head, not caring about my students.
"I love you too baby girl." I pick her up and carry her to the table and put my coat around her shoulders. When she cries, she likes me to be with her or if I'm not there something that has my scent on it. She pulls it tight around her and laid her head on the turtle.
"Now, do you see what emotion in the song looks like everyone?" A collective yes rings from my choir. "Good, now from the top!"
The rest of the rehearsal went very smooth after mine and Rachel's duet, and the princess fell asleep after the performance. Once we ended, I had to rouse her up and get her to my Jeep. She groans as I take my coat from her and she wraps her arms around my waist. I chuckle deeply and removed her hands.
"I can't carry you to the car Rach. You need to be a big girl and stand up," I coo softly to her, like I used to when she was a baby. She opens her chocolate eyes and stands up, taking a few disoriented steps before regaining herself and walking out the door, forgetting her stuff. I roll my eyes and laugh a bit. The poor dear is so tired she forgot everything except the turtle, I think with a humoured grin. I grab my school bag and Rachel's stuff before retrieving my purse, which Rachel had also grabbed.
I get to the parking lot and see Rachel is already in the car, waiting. I toss our things in the backseat and buckle myself in. I clear my throat and Rachel does the same as I have and then proceeds to put the turtle on the window and fell asleep again. I turn the key and ignited the roaring engine. I browse my CD's and pick one to keep Rachel awake. I find a disc that is to our taste but I use it to keep me awake. I open the RENT case and pop it in. I skip to track six. It's one of my favourites but not my favourite. The Latin style music got someone's foot tapping. I smile as I knew what was to come. Her eyes open right when Joanne starts.
"The samples won't delay but the cable…"
"There's another way. Say something, anything."
"Test one two three."
"Anything but… that," I start laughing as she slowly rousts up, but singing still.
"This is weird."
"It's weird."
"Very weird..."
"Freakin' weird."
"I'm so mad I don't know what to do. Fighting with microphones, freezing down to my bones, and to top it all off, I'm with YOU." She's up now because she said that with the venom appropriate. I look over as the song continues and she looks guilty about saying that line. I smile as the part I like comes up.
"The Tango: Maureen; it's a dark, dizzy merry-go-round. As she keeps you dangling, your heart she is mangling. And you toss and you turn' cause her cold eyes can burn. Yet you yearn and you churn and rebound!" Rachel laughs because I make a funny hand gesture when I take Mark's role. I made today a singing day, and I love it.
"Hey Rachel, don't feel bad about saying that line. I know you don't mean it, right?" I say, also questioning my young daughter. She looks over to me and puts her hand over mine.
"Of course I don't mean it Mom. I love you too much to say that," she says with an honest smile. She's too tired to lie to me and she also knows the consequences of lying also. "Can we sing something else Mama?" she asks in a small voice. I smile and nod.
"What song do you want?"
"Can we acapella it? You don't have this song," she says as she ejects the disc, returning it to its case.
"Sure, what song is it?" Instead of answering, she starts singing.
"A dead star shine, light up the sky. I'm all out of breath, my walls are closing in."
"Days go by, give me a sign. Come back to the end, the shepherd of the damned." I see this is a dark song, so I lower my tone as does Rachel.
"I can feel you falling away. No longer the lost,"
"No longer the same and I can see you starting to break. I'll keep you alive, if you show me the way."
"Forever- and ever the scars will remain."
"I'm falling apart; leave me here forever in the dark." She knows… she knows about where she was going to go.
"Mama, why did you want to keep me? I found the papers and… I was to go to the Berry men. Why didn't I?" I sigh heavily and answered her honestly.
"Rachel, I had a bad feeling about Hiram. LeRoy would have been the kind one while Hiram wasn't there. I wanted to give you the best life with a mother. I'm not saying they were less qualified but… a mother's instinct is unrivalled. LeRoy came to the hospital when I was about to give birth to you. He understood my reasoning and knew I couldn't be swayed, if anything he was supportive in my decision. I kept you because I didn't want you to be hurt by those men. I protected you, as I will always protect you. All because I love you," I reached over and patted her knee. "If they try to contact you, forcefully, tell me. Okay?" She nods to me and I turn the music back on. We ride in silence the rest of the way home. It wasn't an awkward silence but a comfortable, understanding silence.
It was a few days after I had talked to Rachel about Hiram and LeRoy and she hadn't questioned me further. I was growing concerned at this development of silence. I walked across the hall to her room and knocked on the door.
"Rachel, can I come in?" I was answered with the door being opened. She looked a ragged mess with her hair going every which-way, if she didn't look so sad I would have laughed. "Are you okay honey?" I asked her. She broke down and started to cry.
"He tried to take me Mama…" she sobbed. My eyes widened as I took her back into her room and lay on the bed with her.
"Who tried to take you Rachel? I'll kick is ass," I threaten. It was beyond my character to swear, but I'm protective of my only child.
"H-Hiram… I know because he i-introduced himself before…" I cut her off. I didn't want her to get even more upset.
"Well it's been building up inside of me for oh I don't know how long. I don't know why, but I keep thinking: something's bound to go wrong."
"But she looks in my eyes and makes me realize,"
"And she says, "Don't worry baby" Don't worry baby. Don't worry baby. Everything will turn out alright." I hold Rachel close to me and kiss her head. I knew they would try this one day… I just hadn't hoped it be when she is 15. I mentally berated myself for my naïve thoughts of Hiram not trying to take Rachel. As Rachel calmed down, she fell asleep. I have the Berry men's number saved in my phone from all those years ago.
"Hello?"
"Hiram?"
"Speaking, who is this?"
"Shelby Corcoran, what the-"I look back to see if Rachel won't hear me. "What the fuck is wrong with you?! Trying to take my daughter even after I've given birth to her AND raised her?! You've got some balls sir!" I stage whisper into the phone.
"What are you talking about? What did I try to do supposedly?"
"You know damn well what you did! You tried to take my Rachel," I snap.
"So what if I did? You can't prove it. Rachel's statement is shaky at best because of her shock. Police won't believe her," he says cockily.
"You dirty, slimy sonofa-"
"I'd watch my mouth young lady. You don't want your little princess to hear your oh-so foul mouth." How dare he bring her up as an excuse for me to stop swearing. I hang up and call Lima police.
"Hello, can I help you?" the operator asks.
"I'm Shelby Corcoran and I'd like to report an attempted kidnapping of my daughter Shelby Corcoran."
"Yes ma'am Ms. Corcoran. Do you know who tried to take your daughter?"
"Hiram Berry, he tried to take her today. She got away though and she's asleep."
"When she wakes, bring her down and put in her statement and we'll bring in Mr. Berry for questioning," I hear keys clacking on the line. "Ma'am, it says here you and Mr. Berry signed a contract of custody for your child in 1995. Why do you still have her?" I take a deep breath before explaining.
"Mr. Berry told me it was completely my choice if I wanted to keep her or not. He made me sign long before I decided. I kept changing my mind over and over and both he and his partner LeRoy would check on me and the baby, see how we were doing but moreover see if I was still giving her to them. My answer changed every visit. It wasn't until the day she was born that LeRoy came to see me that he knew I was going to keep her. He understood and I figured he told Hiram," I say in a shaky voice.
"I understand ma'am. I will be sure to keep that statement on file for when it comes up just in case he lies," the man on the line said. I smile because someone else knows the real story, but no one but me knows why I decided to keep Rachel. "For a further statement, why did you decide to keep your daughter?"
"I didn't have a good feeling about Hiram. I felt like he was controlling LeRoy some way and I could tell this by how they interacted. Never once did Hiram be affectionate to LeRoy and likewise to LeRoy like he was scared. I didn't want my daughter in that situation. I told LeRoy that it was because a daughter needs her mother. I didn't want to tell him that I think Hiram's abusive." More key clacking,
"Thank you Ms. Corcoran. Your statement is much appreciated and is on file with your report. Just remember to bring in Rachel when she wakes up again, no matter what time of night it is and have her give her account of the incident," I thank him again and bid goodnight. I set my phone down and go back up to Rachel to check on her.
"M-mama?" she says sleepily. I smile and walk over to her, sitting on her bed.
"Hello sweetie, I have something I need to tell you, about you," I say gently while stroking her hair. I tell her everything and some tears fall down her face.
"So I was supposed to go to these Berry guys and you wanted to protect me from the potential abuse Hiram could give me?" she summarizes. I nod.
"So you see, I kept you for a reason. A reason of safety, a reason of love, and I wanted you to be in a place where you can be affectionate towards me and not get berated for it. I knew I was the only person who could do that, so I kept you for that reason."
"Would you still have given them me if you didn't have such good intuition?" she asks. I kiss her head and hug her tightly.
"Not for the life of me, I have a feeling I would regret it for the rest of my life."