Change

Bella was lying on the bed, breathing heavily, but there was no fear in her eyes. For some reason, I couldn't look at her directly. I glanced everywhere but at her, and I could hear her begin to fidget. I suspected she wanted to hurry up – before I changed my mind – but I think she realized I needed the time to work myself up to it.

But how do you go about that exactly? Work yourself up to such a horrible task? I was about to kill my beautiful Bella. I had never cherished someone so dearly. It wasn't killing her per se, just ending her human life. Well, that's how she liked to put it to me when I started worrying. Which was always.

I had dreaded this instant for so long and now here it was. Ever since that fateful day Bella had first asked me to change her, this moment had been looming ominously on the horizon. Even when we were spending time together, as happy as we were, it had seemed to hang over my head like a black cloud. But my Bella had persisted.

Oh, where did the time go? I can hardly believe it existed at all. I nervously glanced over towards Bella, just to make sure she was still there – still human. The look on her face plainly told me to just get on with it, and stop prolonging the inevitable. But I couldn't. I had to take this slowly. I had to cherish these last moments with her as a human. I know once I do this I will regret it for the rest of my life. Some of the others, namely Alice, Emmett, and Carlisle, had offered to do this for me. Of course I would have trusted Alice with something this huge. But it didn't feel right. I couldn't leave Bella alone during this monumental moment in her life. I needed to be with her.

But there was the slightest amount of jealousy, too. Slightest. Bella was mine, and this job belonged to me alone. I had the most control, anyways. What if Alice slipped up and took too much blood? No, it was just too risky.

I had to do this now, before I lost my nerve. I knew I was going to hate myself forever, but I had to do it for Bella. It wasn't what was best for her, but it was what she wanted. I wasn't sure I would like her as a vampire though. Of course I would love her – unconditionally and for eternity – but I would certainly miss the human aspects about her. Her warm skin, her steady heartbeat, her delicious blush and beautiful brown eyes. I cannot imagine loving her more than I already do.

I took a deep breath to calm myself, though the oxygen wasn't necessary, and tentatively perched myself on the edge of the bed. Bella held her hand out to me, and I took it gently. I laid beside her, and pulled her as close to my chest as I could, trying to convey all of my emotions at once. She seemed to understand. I sometimes wondered if she could perhaps read my mind. I flipped her over as gently as I could, and lightly ran my cold hands up the length of her arms. She shivered, and I saw goose bumps rise under my touch. But not for long.

I leaned down and pressed my lips to hers, gently at first, but steadily growing with anxiousness. I usually kept control – drawing the lines when necessary – but the kiss grew wild as I carefully explored her mouth with my tongue. Drawing back, I looked into her darkened eyes.

"My beautiful Bella."

"I love you, Edward. Thank you so much for doing this."

What was I supposed to say? Oh, no problem, sweetie. It's my pleasure. I almost snorted in spite of myself. Instead, I pressed my lips to hers once more, and then laid my head on her chest. I stayed that way for a few glorious moments, just listening to her rhythmic heart beat. As I began tracing light patterns onto her arm, I heard her heart skip a beat, and I felt a small smile tug at my lips.

I straightened up, leaning over her. That's it. It's time. I pressed my cold mouth to hers once more, but only for a moment. I started planting kisses along her jaw line, then moved to her throat. Just one small cut.

I carefully placed an open mouthed kiss on her throat. It smelled wonderful. For a few seconds, my mind slipped, and started thinking about how sweet her blood was going to taste. But then I was back. I was Edward. And I was about to destroy my precious Bella. She must have sensed something was wrong, because she found my icy hand and gave it a gentle squeeze.

I looked up into her eyes – brown for the last time – and uncertainty flooded through me.

"Are you sure?" I asked apprehensively. She gave me a warm look and just said, "Of course. I trust you Edward." I buried my face into the crook of her neck and gripped her hand. If I could cry, I would have been doing so now.

I inhaled deeply, and tried to call the monster I knew was lurking within me. But it wouldn't come. My throat burned, and I felt the venom flow through my mouth, but I was still Edward. And I didn't want to do this to my Bella.

No more stalling. I tightened my hold on her hand, inhaled her scent for the last time, and sunk my two sharpest teeth into her throat, just above her pulse. I felt the hot blood flow down her neck and the vampire in me eagerly drank of it. But to the Edward in me, it felt so wrong. Her blood was the best thing I have ever tasted in my 106 years – so much sweeter than I had ever imagined. I didn't want to take too much.

I heard Bella scream then – as if from a distance – and time seemed to slow down. Her entire body radiated heat, and she was bleeding so much it was a wonder she had any left in her. Her blood tasted so good though, and I allowed myself one more mouthful before gently pulling away.

I licked my lips and carefully studied her pained expression. Her beautiful lips were twisted in agony, and I could tell the venom had already begun to run its course through her body. Something inside of me broke just then, and I tried in vain to stop her hurting. A strangled cry escaped my throat as I looked into her eyes. They were pained, but still glowing with love. I pulled her into my arms again, and held her as close as I possibly could.

"I'm so sorry," I muttered under my breath, and then whispered in her ear, "I love you." She pressed herself into me, and I'm sure she understood me. I heard her heartbeat begin to slow. Her body stiffened somewhat, and I gripped her tighter. I buried my face in her hair, and started to hum her lullaby. There was nothing to do now but wait.