AN: If you have read Akatsuki Christmas Cheer, then this is like a sequel. I highly recommend reading that one first. So, this is a tribute to Valentine's Day, starring the Akatsuki! Story includes weirdness, randomness, love, and censored cussing. I hope you guys enjoy!
Disclaimer: I do NOT own any character from NARUTO, including the Akatsuki.
It's been exactly fifty-one days ever since the Akatsuki moved to their Amegakure base, all thanks to the stupid photographs of them on Christmas. No matter how hard they tried, the pictures refused to go away. Not even Itachi, an Uchiha prodigy, could remove the accursed images from the internet!
"Never again. We will never celebrate Christmas EVER AGAIN!" The facially pierced Akatsuki leader declared. The Akatsuki were a laughing stalk among other criminals. He couldn't go to a grocery store without being laughed at, d#mmit!
Pein placed his face in his hand, groaning in exhaustion. This had been too much humiliation for him to handle. He had held back on mission assignments due to their newly gained publicity, as embarrassing as it was. It had been nearly two months, why couldn't the world just forget about it?! He was d#mn tired of all of it.
With a sigh, the orange-haired male picked up and started to sort through a stack of documents. It was tedious work that he and Konan usually did together, but he decided to begin work early and let the only female member sleep in. It seemed like it was he that was always behind the desk, in the shadows of the organization….
Rain poured heavily outdoors, the country always seemed to have it. As the lightning flashed in through the window, a glint of glossy paper caught the Akatsuki leader's eye. He turned and faced the calendar that sat upright on his desk. Today was the 13th, and circled in red the very next day was the 14th, February the 14th. Pein's eyes went comically wide at this discovery.
"Sh#t! Tomorrow is…Valentine's Day!" Pein cursed. Not another holiday! Surely, Tobi would do something…
Not wanting to take any chances, Pein sprinted down a flight of stairs to the base's living area. He had to find every single calendar within the hideout and burn them! Tobi could NOT know about the next holiday! The Akatsuki leader stumbled down the last step in time to see something truly awful. Everything was pink! The couch, the tables, the chairs, the walls, the floor…EVERYTHING! Pein stared in dismay at this horrible sight. There were even lacey hearts all over the walls and ceiling!
"WHAT IS THE MEANING OF THIS?!" Pein screeched. At the sound of his voice, every Akatsuki member stumbled over one another trying to get down the stairs in order to see why their leader was so distressed. Once they were all present in a single file line, Pein repeated his question, though a little more calmly.
"What is the meaning of all of this?" He gestured to the pinkness of the room. All the members seemed to be at a loss. Nobody spoke up. This just p#ssed their leader off even more.
"Somebody better answer, or I'll-"
"Love." A high-toned voice interrupted.
"…What?" Pein looked at Tobi in confusion. The masked male just waved his arm, gesturing to the entire room.
"Everyone knows that pink and hearts equals love!" Tobi clarified. Pein stared at the subordinate silently before face-palming himself. Of course Tobi was responsible for this! But why was he putting up decorations today when-oh. No, no, that couldn't be right! Pein felt himself panic. Today couldn't possibly be-
"Ahem, Tobi? What is today?" Pein asked in a dead-panned voice. He honestly didn't want to hear the answer.
"February 14th, Valentine's Day."
Pein swore he felt his heart stop. Tobi would surely make another holiday blunder that would seriously murder the Akatsuki's hard-obtained reputation! He couldn't take another hit to his pride. Neither could the rest of the members. At that exact moment, Sasori asked the worst question anyone could ask at this point:
"What's Valentine's Day?"
Everyone turned to face the red-haired puppet master. True, he was a puppet but he wasn't always that way. Pein began to wonder if the red head even knew what the word "Love" meant. Another thought hit him: Why did he let so many abnormal people join in the first place?! Meanwhile, Tobi bounced with glee, making the other members groan in aggravation.
"Tobi will tell you, Sempai's Sempai!" Tobi cheered.
"Way to f#cking go, Pinnochio!" Hidan grumbled. Sasori just met his furious magenta orbs with his icy brown ones. Hidan didn't say anything to him directly, just continuing to curse under his breath.
"Well, Valentine's Day is a special day dedicated to love! People will confess their hidden love to their secret crushes, give people candy and flowers, as well as Valentine cards! It is a day to celebrate love and friendship!
"There is also Cupid. He is a magical baby with little angel wings, and every Valentine's Day, he makes people fall in love by shooting them with enchanted arrows in the butt!"
It was silent in the hideout as Sasori took this information in. He then turned to Tobi with a serious expression on his emotionless face.
"…It all sounds pretty pointless to me." The red head finally concluded. Tobi's shoulders slumped as an audible 'awww!' sounded through his swirled mask.
"B-But why, Sempai's Sempai?" Tobi whined pathetically. Sasori glanced at him boredly.
"What is the point of confessing secrets about love on just one specific day out of the entire year? What's so special about it? I mean, people can do that any day, so why choose to make up a holiday about it?" Sasori asked, his voice staying calm and even for the duration of his rhetorical questioning. Tobi pondered this for a moment, before answering somewhat smugly:
"Because it is the only day out of the entire year when love is manipulated by Cupid."
Everyone in the room just groaned in response. Sasori pinched the bridge of his nose in frustration. Did Tobi still really believe in all this magical crap? But before the puppet could remark about the subordinate's immaturity, a bright flash burst from the window. A shimmering pink streak sped through the living room, bouncing off of the walls and ceiling, until…
BOINK!
"OW! SOMETHING STABBED ME IN THE BACK! IT HURTS LIKE A B#TCH!" Hidan howled in agony.
The Jashinist continued to stomp and curse until he turned to look behind him. His magenta eyes were suddenly hazy, like the albino was caught in a trance. His mouth curved upward in a smirk while he took a step forward until he was directly in front of a mirror.
"Why, hello there sexy~" he purred at his reflection. Before the rest of the Akatsuki could even question the albino's behavior, several more pink streaks shot through the base's windows. Even though they all tried to dodge the unknown objects, a few of the members were still hit, including Tobi, Sasori, Kisame, and Konan. Pein looked around frantically. What was going on?!
"What is this?! Show yourself, intruder!" The Akatsuki leader ordered. In response, he heard slight chuckling right above his head. Looking up, the pierced male's eyes widened at what he saw. There, floating above his head was a small deer. It had little white feathery wings and a sling of arrows upon its back, while in its right frontal hoof rested a curved wooden bow. The little fawn's fur was a coffee brown with a caramel-colored heart on its chest. To top it all off, the little creature had the most irresistible hazel eyes that seemed to glow with emotion.
"Allow me to introduce myself. I am Cupid!" The deer said with much enthusiasm. Pein cocked his head to the side in thought: 'I thought that the Cupid Tobi was talking about was a human baby.' He remembered what Tobi had told him about Christmas, and Cupid was one of Santa's nine flying reindeer.
"Doesn't Santa Claus own a deer named Cupid?" Pein questioned the little fawn. Cupid just flashed a bright grin.
"Yep! That's me! Most people tend to think I am a human child though, but that obviously isn't the case. I work part-time on Christmas and full-time on Valentine's Day. Aren't I amazing?" Cupid boasted. Pein frowned. Okay, this clearly did not make any sense to the Akatsuki leader, but he still needed to know as to what Cupid had done.
"Alright, 'Cupid', what have you done to my underlings?"
"It's simple, really. All I did was shoot a couple of them with arrows that are magically enchanted to make you fall in love with the first person in sight!" Cupid squealed gleefully.
"And," he added, "they won't wear off until the stroke of mid-night, the end of Valentine's Day!"
Pein glared at the ground in frustration. This Valentine's Day was turning out worse than he had anticipated! How could he watch the other members that had been affected and assure that more humiliating consequences would not come of it?
"Well, it's about time I take my leave. I have a few more couples to pair up! Toodles~" Cupid chorused before disappearing in a plume of pink smoke. Pein then redirected his attention to the rest of the Akatsuki. Hidan was currently complimenting his reflection, Tobi was hugging Deidara (the poor guy was trying to pry the subordinate off of himself), Kisame was holding a fishbowl that had a little goldfish swimming around while saying how much he cared about it, and Sasori just wordlessly plucked an arrow out of his back while appearing to be unaffected. Okay, maybe this wouldn't be too bad…..
"SASORI I LOVE YOU!" Konan squealed while latching herself onto the red-head in a tight hug. Pein's jaw dropped before his eyes hardened into a deadly glare. If Cupid ever showed his fuzzy little mug ever again-
"Konan? What are you doing?" Sasori asked in a dead-panned tone. He apparently didn't care for this kind of treatment. If only he saw how Pein's face was twisted into raging death glare that was directed at him. Konan just wrapped her arms about his shoulders tighter.
"Hugging you to show my love!" She giggled like a school girl with a crush.
"Hey! Let go of me, un!" Deidara growled at Tobi.
"But Tobi LOVES his Sempai!" Tobi whined in response.
"This is creepy on a whole other level! Someone get this lunatic off of me, un!" Deidara called for assistance, but of course nobody helped. Meanwhile Itachi just observed his partner cuddling with a goldfish while wearing a slightly concerned expression. Kakuzu shook his head in disapproval while watching Hidan comment on how sexy his own reflection was.
"I don't know if I can last the rest of the day with them acting like this," Pein muttered. Looking at the time, he could see it was noon, meaning there would be another twelve hours before the effects of the arrows wore off. The orange-haired male groaned at this realization.
Four different pairs of feet pounded across the muddy ground. Squad Seven was assigned yet again to investigate the Akatsuki's whereabouts. They were currently sprinting through Amegakure's common downpour in search of the hideout.
"Hey, Sensei, I think I see it, that building up ahead," Sasuke pointed out. He gestured to a gray building, its color having been worn away in the rain long ago. It nearly blended in with the gloomy, gray background. Kakashi nodded in approval.
"Well done. Good eye, Sasuke."
The four Leaf shinobi gathered outside the hideout's window. The glass was shattered and chaos appeared to be occurring inside the base. A smile slowly crept up onto Naruto's face. He pulled a camera out of his pocket while sharing mischievous grins with the other three.
"This just has to go online!" Naruto snickered while pushing the record button on the camera that was aimed it at the base's window.
"Yeah, the last time we posted something of the Akatsuki it got several thousand views! This video might actually go viral!" Sakura whispered excitedly.
"I don't care if it gets one or one million views, I'll feel satisfied if Itachi gets humiliated again." Sasuke stated casually while looking over Naruto's shoulder. Kakashi shushed all three of them.
"If you guys are too loud, they'll get onto us!" The Jonin hissed. And so Squad Seven recorded the Akatsuki, who remained unaware of it, until…
The Next Day
The sky outside was the same as always, dark and cloudy with rain falling down heavily. A certain masked subordinate sat at a desk in the room he shared with the Akatsuki spy Zetsu. The plant man was still sleeping, the Venus fly-trap snapped tightly shut to ensure undisturbed slumber. Either way, Tobi had some free-time so, like the good boy he is, he went online to entertain himself, being careful to not wake up Zetsu.
"Let's see…Y-O-U-T-U-B-E aaaaaannnd ENTER!" Tobi whispered very loudly while typing on the keyboard. The site for YouTube popped up on the computer screen. Tobi scrolled down the page, looking for another silly cat video, when he came upon a video that almost made his eye bug out of his swirled mask.
"N-No way…." He whimpered after watching the video. Tobi just knew that everyone would get upset when they heard about the newest post on YouTube. It currently had 27,000 views! Should he just tell Leader?
Pein was sleeping restlessly in bed. After yesterday's events, who could sleep without being tormented by endless nightmares? The facially pierced male woke up ten times in the night after having a nightmare within a nightmare that was within a nightmare. He was dead tired. A sudden, shrill shriek tore him from his current nightmare of Konan falling in love with Sasori for real.
"EVERYONE WAKE UP! THIS IS IMPORTANT! TOBI SAW SOMETHING ON YOUTUBE THAT WILL MAKE YOU UPSET!"
Pein sat up out of bed, a displeased expression on his face. What excuse does Tobi have for waking everyone up at 5:30 in the morning? Grumbling to himself, Pein pulled on an Akatsuki cloak over his sleep-wear and stumbled over to Tobi and Zetsu's room. When he got there, the other members were already crowded around the computer, looks of rage, embarrassment, and disbelief written on their faces. Pein made his way in front of the monitor only to have his heart nearly stop at the images playing in the video:
(On the Computer Screen)
Tobi clung to Deidara's waist as the furious clay-bomber tried to pry him off.
"But Tobi loves his Sempai!" He whined.
"Then I-don't-wanna be your-sempai, un!" Deidara grunted between each yank. The subordinate refused to budge.
"If you hug Tobi back, Tobi promises to let go~" Tobi proposed in a sing-song voice. Deidara stopped to think.
"Really? You'll let go, un?"Deidara raised an eyebrow. Tobi nodded his head vigorously. The blonde sighed.
"Fine." He growled before hesitantly wrapping his arms around the masked boy. Tobi hugged back with more enthusiasm. Ten seconds passed, but Tobi still did not let go.
"Um, Tobi? You are letting go, right, un?"
"Nope. Tee-hee, Tobi lied. He doesn't want to let his Sempai go!" Tobi giggled. Deidara's eye widened before he started to struggle out of Tobi's iron-like grip.
"D*mmit, un! I should've known!" Deidara cursed under his breath. Meanwhile, Kisame was clinging to his goldfish as if his life depended on it.
"I love you, Goldina," he cooed softly to the fish. Itachi just stared stupidly at his partner in a state of disbelief. Snapping out of it, he tapped the shark man on the shoulder.
"Kisame. Hey! Kiasme! Are you-" The raven-haired male was suddenly cut off as Kisame swung a fist behind him, knocking the Uchiha into the wall. Itachi gasped at the harsh impact of the wall on his spine, he was NOT expecting that. Kisame just looked around in confusion.
"What? Who's there? Oh well, guess it was nothing," He shrugged casually before cuddling the fish bowl again. Hidan, on the other hand, seemed obsessed with his reflection. He twisted his body around at different angles to get a better view of himself in the mirror.
"Hey there, good-lookin', you new in town?" He winked suggestively at himself. Kakuzu stood watching his partner make an absolute fool of himself. He shook his head in disapproval, before turning around at the sound of loud squeal. Sasori leaped over the miser's head while Konan just ran him over.
"I LOVE YOU, SASORI! C'MON, KISS MEEEEE!"
The red-head was running for his life from the crazed blunette. Never had he been so concerned or terrified for his well-being.
"LEAVE ME ALONE! I DON'T EVEN LIKE YOU!" Sasori shouted while running with unbelievable speed up the stairs, Konan following.
Pein just looked enraged at the whole ordeal. It was obvious that he was burning with jealousy at Konan's sudden interest in Sasori. Finally, he just snapped.
"SASORI, I'M GOING TO SERIOUSLY MURDER YOU! Wait, Konan, come back!" Pein shouted after the duo before sprinting up the stairs. Zetsu stood by the entire time, not doing a single thing to help anybody. He turned to face the camera.
"Hey, is that-D#MN! It's a camera! Put that down! Don't record us!" Zetsu growled dangerously.
End Video
The Akatsuki were all silent. Then they all turned to Zetsu.
"Why didn't you say anything, ya dumb#ss?!" Hidan roared at the spy. Zetsu held his hands up in defense.
"Don't get mad at us! Yeah, lots of incredibly idiotic crap happened later, so we didn't get a chance to inform anyone!" Zetsu remarked. Pein slammed his head onto the desk. It had happened again! Konaha ninja had found the base and caught the Akatsuki in some ridiculous sh#t!
"How many people have seen this?" His voice was muffled in his sleeve. Tobi looked at the bolded number on the page and clicked a button to refresh the page.
"…Over one million." Tobi said quietly, half hoping his leader didn't quite hear him. But he did.
"OVER ONE MILLION?! THE AKATSUKI IS RUINED!" Pein screeched. All the members cringed simultaneously at the loud volume. This was BAD. All of the Akatsuki members dropped their heads in shame and embarrassment.
In the end, the video had indeed gone viral. Squad Seven was quite proud of their achievement in humiliating the S-rank criminal organization yet again. Unfortunately for the Akatsuki, they had to switch bases again in order to lay low under the public eye. The world had seen an uncharacteristically foolish side to them, after all. Yep, needless to say, criminals just aren't cut out for love either.
AN: Whoo! It's done! I hope you guys enjoyed that as much as I did! Sorry, but the video does not exist, though it would be awesome if it did! Let me know what you thought by leaving a review!